Death, Friends & Support

[Lotus]

Hello folks,

I appreciate the opportunity to be with you here. My question is aimed at supporting people, dealing with the death of a loved one.

My band member's dad died about 4 months ago. As it is still a very fresh wound, the topic comes up frequently. I want to support him as good as I can, and have a hard time doing so.

So, when the topic comes up, I listen and give space to him with all of my heart. I find this to be most essential. But when it comes to responding, I somewhat freeze. I don't know what to say or how to respond.

Technically, I could give advice on how to deal with death in general, buuut.. this doesn't seem fitting in the context of listening to my friend. The last thing I'd want to hear, when a loved one dies, is "what to do about it". Sure, sooner or later this has to be dealt with.  But, especially when the wound is still fresh, I think people need time to heal and not some piece of advice.

I try my best to let them feel the love, but honestly, I have a real hard time doing that. Oftentimes, I say, "I don't know what to say", because that's the most honest statement I can give. I have all this love and compassion in my heart, but I don't know how to express it.

There certainly is the fear of 'saying the wrong things'. But I think in this case, it's somewhat justified. Not in the sense of holding the fear within, but in the sense of wishing the best for my people.

Any help is greatly appreciated, thanks. 🙏

[Faith]

2 hours ago, Lotus said:

Any help is greatly appreciated, thanks. 🙏

Hi, happy to have you here!

Well, both my mom and step mom have passed, as well as my sisters husband and more. There are no correct words and they know you don't have them. I only needed someone to maybe say they were sorry for my loss, let me talk about it and offer to help in the future, if needed. 

During my step mom's funeral (she raised me), someone said, " this too shall pass", although that's true. I remember it wasn't helpful at the time.

2 hours ago, Lotus said:

Technically, I could give advice on how to deal with death in general, buuut.. this doesn't seem fitting in the context

Yeah, I agree, unless the conversation switches to death itself vs his dad's death or he asks you specifically for that type of advice. However, with that being said, when my brother in law and sister in law were in their early 20's she got in a car accident and died. I had read a book called, "Embraced by the light" about a woman that had a vivid near death experience.  I bought another copy at the book store and just gave it to him saying if he felt like reading it cool, if not, cool, no pressure. He read it and said it was helpful to him. So, sometimes you'll be moved to do things like that.

[Lotus]

4 hours ago, Faith said:

Hi, happy to have you here!

Well, both my mom and step mom have passed, as well as my sisters husband and more. There are no correct words and they know you don't have them. I only needed someone to maybe say they were sorry for my loss, let me talk about it and offer to help in the future, if needed. 

During my step mom's funeral (she raised me), someone said, " this too shall pass", although that's true. I remember it wasn't helpful at the time.

Thanks, happy to be here.

Yeah, when someone passes away, there's just nothing to do about it. It gives me peace that they turn back into an ocean of love, but it still sucks, especially when it's recent. From a different perspective, it's kinda beautiful to see how we come and go, and share limited time together. It really makes me appreciate the time I'm with my grandma or friends. 🥰

4 hours ago, Faith said:

Yeah, I agree, unless the conversation switches to death itself vs his dad's death or he asks you specifically for that type of advice. However, with that being said, when my brother in law and sister in law were in their early 20's she got in a car accident and died. I had read a book called, "Embraced by the light" about a woman that had a vivid near death experience.  I bought another copy at the book store and just gave it to him saying if he felt like reading it cool, if not, cool, no pressure. He read it and said it was helpful to him. So, sometimes you'll be moved to do things like that.

Giving advice really depends on the situation. Sometimes, just making music together is the most pleasant thing to do.

And I agree, a piece of advice at the right time can give a fresh outlook, and we can uplift one another. Sometimes the inspiration to do it just hits, acting on it doesn't seem so bad.

[Faith]

@Lotus 💙

[Lotus]

14 hours ago, Serenity said:

Have you thought about asking him what type of support he would like to have from you? And what are his needs? The issues he deals with? Thanks to these informations, you could narrow further how helpful you could be through leveraging your intuition and compassion.

I never asked him directly, besides telling him that he ever needs anything, a talk, a coffee, a helping hand, he can let me know. Perhaps, directly asking the questions you wrote might be more concrete and 'practical', so to speak.

That's actually pretty helpful, thank you. 🙏

[Stillness]

@Lotusz;  Here is the link to an article in the New York Times on helping those who are going through the loss of a loved one  including what to say, how to say it, what kind of practical actions you could take to let them know they are being supported by you and others.  There's also a list of links to other articles listing support groups that are helpful for the grieving depending under what circumstances their loved one died.  I think I'll print it out so that when someone close to me loses a loved on I will know how to go about showing my support and sympathy.  I have the same problem o f knowing the right thing to say.

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/01/07/well/live/sudden-death-loss.html?action=click&pgtype=Article&state=default&module=styln-grief&variant=show&region=MAIN_CONTENT_1&block=storyline_top_links_recirc

[Phil]

It’s always ok to just ‘hold space’, simply be there, and or be silent. This reality is already the expression of the love you are. 🤍

[Faith]

@Stillness Nice username!

Welcome to the forum💙