j3w3lsth3l1zardw1zard Posted September 9, 2022 Share Posted September 9, 2022 Socially, I don’t know how to be. I found out a few days ago that I’m autistic, and while on one hand it’s a relief to know why I have always felt like a monster, unworthy of love, a freak, or a weirdo. On the other hand, I feel all those things. Am I unworthy of love? My emotions tell me this is true. I think? Maybe it’s bad translation. I feel emotions so so strongly- it’s so god damn potent. It hurts so much and feels really good at the same time. It feels good to feel emotional pain. I just feel it so deeply, I feel it everywhere. And realizing that I actually don’t give a damn about art (what I usually think is the most important thing in my life) and care so much about love, connection, with another person- uh, yeah, bad sentence. Basically I don’t give one shit about art when I feel that human connection. The most important thing to me. And because I’m autistic, this makes it… this really, really, hurts. Do they care about me? I don’t know. I don’t know. And If I come to realize that they don’t really care about me, I will believe again that I am unworthy of love. That I am nothing. I want to be loved because I don’t love myself. Time and time again I have been duped, tricked into thinking someone cares about me. I feel and care so much and I ALWAYS PAY FOR IT. So, backstory. I’ve just come to the most hippie college in the states most likely, and I came here searching for connection. I thought I found someone who cared about me, we bonded, I really care about this person. But it’s like I’m kind of a side note to them. It feels like they don’t care about me. But I don’t know. That could easily just be the self hatred coming up to “protect” me. I talked with them last night, stoned, and when I get stoned my mask comes off. I admitted things I never wanted anyone to know, I hated myself, I was afraid, I was ashamed of what I was feeling, and there was no catharsis to the conversation. It slowly burned out, and she went back to her room to cuddle with the person she has a crush on. I cried. I punished myself, as I still am, which is what I do when these types of things happen. She’s going to tell the crush, she might tell other people, and word could very well get around about what I feel and what I hide from people. It honestly makes me laugh at the absolute catastrophe of it all. i don’t know what to do. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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