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Wanting to be right


Blessed2
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So in the past few days there has been a couple of instances where a wanting to be right, "prove others wrong" or start an argument has come up.

 

All has been on the internet. I see people talking about their beliefs and opinions... Some talk about objective morality, some about science and rationality, politics... And when I see it, there is this burning feeling of wanting to start arguing with them and explain how they're mistaken.

 

It's really just egoic nonsense. I don't really know what I'm talking about, and I find far more peace in not knowing or identifying with 'the knower' etc. All those thoughts/beliefs/arguments that come up are just passing and none of them hold any actual stuff, they're just passing untangible thought-form.

 

Though it can be quite hard to just let it go and not go along the burning feeling and wanting to argue. Wanting to be better, more intelligent, to show off. "I know this, I understand better than you, I've done this way longer than you have, I've gone deeper than you have..." Though I wonder if really I'd even like being better... Really would just have good time with people and feel good about myself, and feel the love and expansion, no need to push others down or show off... But the comparing and trying to be better and be admired somehow just comes so often... Almost constantly... I wonder where it comes from. Maybe it's due to believing I can't find happiness within, so I need others to make me happy, and believing I need to somehow win people to like and admire me...

 

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I often feel quite bad when certain people come to mind... People I would have liked to impress and I would have wanted to like me, to want to be with me. And who I tried to impress, tried to come across intelligent, wise, interesting... But failed. Then the mind kind of goes down daydreaming and thinking if how I could have or would like to impress and win over and be admired... And it feels so toxic.

 

Same with the people at my school. Very recently started studying. Somehow I just can't help it... It's like my mind automatically goes to trying to find ways to impress, to be better and more interesting than others. It sucks because these thoughts are so heavy and make me feel like poop. And it's even counter-productive because obviously this energy I'm putting out isn't something people want to hang out with.

 

At times I'm not that focused on trying to impress or win others admiration etc. and I feel way better. Can feel that alignment. And generally just so much better. In fact, I just felt it as I was writing that but lost it...

 

I really don't want to want admiration + winning people. Because it's so tiring and heavy. But it kinda seems like it just sticks with me, the same selfish, egoic crap.

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Honestly, I struggle with the same thing. And it is a burden..

Maybe it's the self-construction desperately trying to grasp onto something, anything to maintain its identity, to not be in unknowingness.

I'm starting to lean towards the idea that that unknowingness, and the deep humility that comes with it is the "way" to go..

Best of luck friend

Edited by DreaMT
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