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Dumping another days issues....*yawn*


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Lately I have been less self judgemental on my own actions that I do on a daily basis, I try to do small things that will eventually help me get to where I want to go. Trying to be less harsh with myself. The inner critic can run rampant sometimes. Right now I want to try do some stuff such as sort out my finances, do an hour podcast, look into vegeterian bodybuilding meals to improve my diet and many other errands that I wrote on my to-do list but I always seem to get this huge wave of lethargy that hits me in the day. Of just wanting to lay in bed and take a nap. There is so much resistence to doing any kind of activities feeling like I just want to go to sleep. I don't know what makes me feel like that? Just very tired, is it a normal feeling? Do people get tired at certain times in the day... 


I guess I am somewhat beating myself up right now by wishing that I should of done more today or that I wasted another day. Almost like I have this necessent need to self-actualize every single day and if I am not actualizing my full potenial or making myself to be a better person, I feel bad and can often beat myself up. 


Maybe I am thinking of writing tasks that I would like to do tomorrow on a To-do list and trying to commit to doing it that day. I guess there seems to be a lot of resistence when I try to do activities which leaves me staying in my same comfort zone without growing/changing. I am beating myself up somewhat less but it does kind of feel bad when I don't really do to much in the day, especially when I don't have a job and have unlimited free time. It is like there is a huge pressure for me to do some kind of work or that I really need to sort out my financial situation, that can definitely cause feelings of worthlessness within me. Feeling like an inferior person for not having much money, having a bad work ethic, and so on.......


I suppose I have an incredibly ambitious mind and do not take any action, which has been like this for the longest time. I am curious as to why I genuinely don't take action on specific tasks. Like I really want to fulfill my potential as this person that I am. Grow and improve but I get a lot of tiredness throughout the day and lethargy. Not wanting to try something new and doing the same patterns. 


My days feel very much like the same kind of behaviours over and over again without much actual change, it kind of scares me that I am getting older and knowing that I should change but not really doing anything about it. Maybe I don't want it enough. 


Oh I really need to quit technology but again I get compulsive thoughts to check my phone to distract myself, I need to become a millionaire and be financially independant but fail to do any kind of meaningful work, I waste my time scrolling dating apps and seeing women on which I don't really enjoy. I need to provide a massive impact on society so people will remember me when my physical body is gone and not here anymore. I feel like I am capable of so much more but not actually living up to it. 


I am 26 and still living with my grandmother and have no job, no work ethic, gets irritated and distracted super easily, constantly checking my phone, crave sex all the time, cannot focus on one task, feels lost, not sure what I am passionate about and many more thoughts... I do tend to get a lot of thoughts which resist the present moment, like "I really need to do something with my life", "make money", etc....  of course they are all discordant thoughts which make me feel bad but I seem to get them rather frequently during the day.  


However I have been commiting to doing 1 hour meditation practice a day which is definitely helping notice the thoughts I experience but I just really don't understand why I don't change. I guess my comfort zone is to cosy, right? Maybe some resistence to change or something. 


It's the constant need to improve and self-actualize that is probably holding me back, maybe Leo planted my mind with toxic ideas and beliefs 😞


I remember when I was younger and really enjoyed playing computer games, I would live for that, wake up early and be so excited to play them. I feel like I lost that kind of zest for life and don't particularly feel passionate about anything which sucks. I can't really say I have got anything to look forward to in life. It seems like a big grind or chore of constantly improving but failing to take action. 


It's like another day wasted and then I delude myself saying tomorrow is going to be different when in fact it is exactly the same, I really want lasting change but it never happens. What part of me just does not want me to change, I don't get it. I got into self-help 5 years ago and have barely changed anything about myself and only seemed to of cause myself suffering and misery by telling myself in my own mind that I need to improve. It is just another belief that I need to improve though but at the same time I would like to be passionate about something. I like bodybuilding but it sometimes feels like a chore, thinking about getting into DJing and maybe comedy.


It's funny how my parents said I should be a comedian when I was younger but now that I am older, I am introverted who spends most of his time in fear when it comes to communcation/expression. Even on the phone, I proactively avoid texts because I don't know what I want to say. 


Such a difference between actually expressing yourself vs thinking about what you need to say. I often think about what I need to say instead of letting words flow naturally through me which makes it difficult. There is a huge fear that my thoughts may turn into the wrong words. 


Right, tomorrow will be different! I will change! 


Suprisingly I feel more energized after writing this 


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