Self-Expression

[Eternal]

Feel rather fatigued and tired right now, was just with my family trying to communicate and talk with my brother and grandmother but it felt so incredibly challenging. I was not trying to actually get to know them but more trying to talk from a place of 'filling in the silence' or just try to have an interesting conversation. It did feel like I was trying way to hard to be communicative so after that I seem to be mentally drained. I have been judging myself far less for constantly checking my phone and dating apps. I do still crave female attention alot and really want to have sex. I find the dating apps to be incredibly distracting for me in terms of pursuing what I want to do when it comes to business growth. I do want passionate sex though. The 1 hour meditation I did in the morning went amazingly well, I just noticed every single thought for what it was. If I had a discordant thought, I would feel agitated or frustrated. It provided me with more clarity, I thought. Now I don't even know what to say and this almost kind of feels like a forced journal entry. I mainly just feel very drained for having to actually trying to make an effort to talk to my family. I usually am with my family but I fail to make an effort to talk to them because I don't seem to enjoy socializing with my family. I usually am in my own head in fear of expressing myself or saying the wrong thing. Mainly not really knowing what to say at all which can be very mentally challenging. I want to start pinpointing all the discordant beliefs I hold about myself and try to dispel them, one by one. 

 

I really want to get better at writing journal entries, and improve my communication, as well as speaking. Improving my English so that I can fluently communicate what I think in an efficient manner. I sometimes find that my tone of language is rather messy right now. I only know so many words and my vocabularly feels limited. I suppose the only way to improve it is by reading and educating myself more. I don't really want to go and have a nap as I want to try to get stuff done today. I was intending to go into the locker down below to try and get my Lilo but I don't have a pump. It is very hot here in the UK and am wanting to go to the beach with my Lilo sometime this week. I often find myself presenting an incredible amount of resistence to the present moment. In my past I have never really expressed myself so not use to doing all of these journal entries but it is a step in the right direction. I hope my use of self-expression will become more fluent in the future, with spending more time journaling throughout my days. Maybe I can write one long journal entry and try to proofread it, which will improve my grammar and english to a more efficient level that it currently is. In the future I would like to write a book and it will be challenging to do that right now as I don't think my grammar is that good. Even when it comes to talking to people in the real world. So used to being in my own head with my own thoughts.

 

The girl messaged me back today after I did not hear from her since Saturday which I don't really like, I think I need to set boundaries on what I can and cannot tolerate as a man. I don't want people to be walking all over me and she will think it is okay to just not message me for like 5 days. I even sent her another 1 on monday and asking her how her weekend went and she only replied to that today! It caused me a lot of mental suffering when she ignored me, I kept on feeling like I did something wrong and what should I have done better. I said in one of the texts that we should meet up soon and she seemed to of conveniontly ignore that one and responded to how her weekend went. I don't know what to do now. To text her back or wait a few days. She did say she was sorry and she got very drunk over the weekend as pride was being celebrated (gay festival). I just don't appreciate someone ignoring me for that long, it made me feel worthless. I feel okay now though but back then I didn't. I kind of have a love/hate relationship with suffering. I really hate it at the time but suffering feels like the thing that grows me. Especially if I inquire into how I am suffering and causing my own suffering. It kind of makes me love it more than I hate it in a way because there seems to just be a realization that the only one causing any suffering is yourself. 

 

It's a good growing process, suffering mindfully. Anyway, going to go out later tonight and practice game and hit on women. I need to burn the karma of having sex, I am still so addicted to it and cannot let it go. I think I just need to regularly have sex a lot and be mindful when I am with a girl having sex vs when I am not. More experience is needed. I don't know about money though, my ego mind wants to pursue something all the time but at the same time I don't particularly crave money that much. I don't find it motivating and deep down, I know it won't fulfill me. I don't want to get caught in the trap of constantly chasing money and new material objects, being completely engrossed in materialistic society. That kind of lifestyle is so superficial. It would be nice though, to have a mansion and a yacht... but at the same time I don't know. I'm quite 50/50 on this topic. Maybe I need to become a millionaire in order to realize money is not something that will ever bring you innate happiness. 

[Eternal]

Checking in today and a lot of today I have been feeling incredibly sexually frustrated and hot at the same time. The heatwave in the UK is so draining and really hard to deal with. I am just laying in bed with my fan on. Been beating myself up today quite a bit, feeling like a failure. Like I need to do work or something to get to an ultimate destination where that is probably a fantasyland. Went out last night and managed to get this spanish girls number, we had a great convo and she was so sexy. Been talking to her for a bit today over text, experimenting with just being myself and not being fazed if the she does not respond. I am just going to be happy being me and if she does not want to meet up, so be it. 

 

I seem to be making her laugh a lot over text because a lot of the discordant thoughts I have about have kind of gone. I will just say the first thing that comes to my mind and some very funny stuff does come into my mind sometimes which suprises me. I thought I was not that funny but lately my humour seems to be shining. Might be seeing another girl who I have had sex with before later tonight but unfortunately she is meeting her friends so it might be quite late. I really want to meet her and smoke weed while fucking her. It kind of does distract me from doing any kind of meaningful work with my life. 

 

I do need to be more kind with myself though, like I am only 26 and can afford to have some fun. I really do enjoy it and I find I enjoy it so much more when I am actually interested in being around the other person. 

 

Could of gone to of met my family today but I was not really up for it so I decided against. Anyway I am out, peace!

[Eternal]

I woke up today feeling somewhat bleek but as the day has gone, I am feeling better. I seem to feel better when I am actually doing activities in the day, I meditated, went to the gym, humour exercises and trying to currently bulk. Bulking seems to be coming across as rather challenging as I am finding that I am always full up and having to force food down myself, not even putting on that much weight. I think my gym session went awesome. I put self-love affirnmations on youtube that kept on saying I love myself and I am doing daily self-love check ins. The exercises are from the book "love yourself like your life depends on it", I even got a calendar to mark the days that I have completed all of my self-love tasks which include meditation, saying it to yourself inside your head, looking at yourself deeply in the mirror saying it out loud etc... 

 

I honestly seem to be feeling great, especially continuosly doing it at the gym. My mind would rarely wonder as the affirnmations were just constantly there so it kept me from going into negative thinking, going to be doing a lot more of self-love for myself. I think that is what is fundamentally causing the suffering I experience - lack of love for myself. Wanting other people to try and fill this void within when infact I am already complete. 

 

I am going to be going out tonight to practice my social skills and I really do want to improve them but I am afraid because I seem to get a lot of negative thoughts when I go out clubbing and a huge fear of approaching girls. A huge fear of talking to people in general but it something that I really want to improve on and get better with people in general as I am very lackluster in that department. It is that I usually spend all of Saturday & Sunday in bed though because I feel so bad from the night before and I just don't even want to do anything at all the next day. I have no energy whatsoever to achieve or accomplish anything. My body just feel so incredibly drained and usually a load of negative thoughts go my way but I do have a good feeling about this weekend because I went out on Wednesday and had a great night, I spoke to a few girls and they all seemed so incredibly attracted to me. I got all there numbers, and they all replied to me. One is even coming over to mine tonight and I am super excited to see her. She is literally coming straight over to mine and she is a super cute spanish girl. This is giving me more motivation to talk to girls on the weekend and get better at socializing. Because I am actually very lucky that I am 6'6 and good looking. I rarely get blown out when I approach girls. It is just primarily this huge fear that I have of myself when I actually go into the set on how am I going to come across and what is the correct way to present myself to the opposite sex. A huge fear of just saying the wrong thing. 

 

It is a good practice for me though, to recognize the thoughts that am I experiencing and change them for more positive, uplifting thoughts instead. Going out is the only time when I get really emotionally triggered. It probably comes from having no friends for most of my life and really bad social skills so I am always super afraid that I am just going to mess up this interaction when in fact I need to be more kind to myself and every interaction I go into will grow me. I find it is about having that kind of mindset when it comes to socializing. I want to write down reports on how my nights go when I get back home. A lot of the time when I go out in the night, I can just be in my own head not talking to anyone which is really not the best because that does not particularly grow me. 

 

It is a mindset shift of actually wanting to get to know more about the person instead of thinking that I need to talk to her to just get laid or have sex, which can feel incredibly bad for me. Like I need to say the right things so that she will eventually sleep with me. I want to go into the experience with more of an open mind and curiousity to actually getitng to know there desires and love for reality because it will be so much different to mine.

 

Kind of nervous about the girl coming up to mine later though, she did say I was cute when I met her in the smoking area of the club but I am scared that I may escalate in the wrong way or blow my chances when she comes up. I do live with my grandmother but at the end of the day I am not going to try to put any expectations on anything. I am going to just try and be me and whatever happens will happen. I do kind of feel that I need to make an effort to try to escalate or flirt with her however otherwise she may perceive me as not dominant. It does feel somewhat strange to have a stranger that I don't even know come into my place. I'm incredibly suprised she is comfortable with it. 

[Eternal]

Wooh! Found myself doing a 1 hour podcast just trying to improve my social skills, I feel very proud that I manage to accomplish something like that. Intending to do 1 hour a week podcast of me just talking about some topic, I notice that some of the moments I was in an incredible flow state and other moments where I was not very present at all and incredibly lost in thought. I think doing this is a great way for me to learn more about myself and was recommend by Julien. After that though, I did find myself falling incredibly deeply into habituated movements, just moving around the flat not really doing anything. Thinking about what to do but felt very lost in the thinking process. This is going to be another 15 minute journal entry and going to try to do 2 journal entries a day if possible. 

 

Really excited for this attractive spanish girl to be coming over to mine at 7 which is in like an hour but I feel nervous at the same time. Like how am I going to have sex with her? I suppose that is the wrong frame of mind to have, I should be curious and interested in her and what she is into. I said that we can have some ice cream on my romantic balcony but I live with my grandmother and I have not told her that so I will try to just bring her into my room, which is near the front door and be with her there. It feels quite odd and awkward having a stranger coming to mine for the first time, that I don't even particularly know but she said she found me attractive when I met her on the night out. 

 

I have to be happy with being myself when I am around her and if I lose her so be it. I was just doing what I do and we did not connect, no hard feelings. I need to try to train my mind to think like that. Not having so much expectation on the other or really wanting to sleep with the other person so desperately that it feels very incongruent and leaves me speechless most times because I simply think should I say this or that so that I can have sex with her? 

 

It seems like some kind of accomplishment for me to have sex with a girl though that is why I think like it, like the fastest way I can sleep with her. Lately I have just been trying to fake it until I make it. Give a high value persona so that she perceives me in a high value way. I just hope she does not judge me for living with my grandmother. I am kind of afraid of her finding out and it turning her off or something. I will just say that I am looking after my grandmother. She has been texting me quite a bit. Just hope she is comfortable going straight into my bedroom, I don't see why not? 

 

I really wanted to go swimming today but have been very busy with going to gym, podcast, self love exercises, comedy exercises and so much more.... I am going to commit to doing 30 minutes of journaling a day on this forum also to build up a lot of experience when it comes to expressing myself because for the longest time in my life, I have just been inside my own head, not talking to anyone. I already find myself speaking and communicating more authentically and words just coming more naturally to me. Perhaps it is the dropping of the belief that I am bad at expressing myself and letting things almost flow through me. 

 

In the future, I would ideally like to not be so much obsessed about women. That seems to be one of my greatest weak points. I am talking to quite a few women right now and finding that it can become quite distracting and almost making me live off purpose with my life. Constantly seeing all these women every week is a huge time commitment. Ideally I just want a rotation of around 3 girls that I regularly see for sex and I think it is how I frame the whole interaction also. I have thought about getting a girlfriend but not 100% sure as I still feel the need to get better at interacting with others and putting myself out there which is why I am actually going out tonight. I am honestly super suprised that this girl is coming straight over to mine, basically on the first date. Perhaps she is looking to just get fucked also. Who knows. It just feels very suprising for me, I am used to meeting women out in public and going for drinks at bar which is very unenjoyable for me. I would much rather be out somewhere in nature but I do that because it seems easier to try to have sex with her.

 

Maybe the more I practice these self-love exercises, the more I will not need to see anyone in order to feel better about myself. There is a huge sense of incompleteness within my own psyche of just not being enough by myself, due to being bullied at school, having friends who use to constantly put me down. It basically conditioned me with all these toxic beliefs about myself. I feel it mainly when going out to try to socialize and not knowing what to say. For the longest time I really avoided socializing but that is not healthy either because socializing is a great skillset to learn and develop. I do want to become a social master and I am going to look at the girl coming over to mine as yet just another reference experience on which I can analyze what I did right/wrong and if she wants to go without having sex, so be it. At least I learnt something. I do also find myself enjoying more social interactions.

[Eternal]

@Phil

 

Okay so on my date last night I really tried to follow Phils advice and do something different of just trying to be more of myself. Of course I did notice at some parts of the date that there were discordant thoughts and really out of presence. Overall though, probably one of the best and most enjoyable dates I have actually been on. She was a really attractive Spanish girl with an amazing tan - I would probably rate her around 7/8. I originally got her number at a club by doing cold approach and she was very receptive but we did not talk much as she was with her friend at the same. She was very much into me over text though and it was 2 days later we ended up meeting (yesterday). The plan was that she was going to come over to mine and I was going to have sex with her. It felt good to me at the time, so I just went along with it. I put some music on in my room and we started talking a bit. I wanted to get to know her first before I tried to escalate, the feeling of just trying to have sex with a girl without even getting to know anything about them feels dirty. Like just using them for their body but I was trying my best to show a genuine and upmost curiousity about her desires and interests. I asked her if she wanted some water as we are going through a big heatwave in the UK currently and she did, she wanted to come with me to the kitchen. I was kind of hesitent as I live with my grandmother but I told her to stay in the lounge, I showed her some of my flat to build an extra level of comfort. Got her water and we both headed back to my room. Where we talked some more, played music and eventually sat down on my bed watching something on netflix - laying next to each other. I put my hand around her and she was very much wanting to snuggle me so we did that few a little but until I just said I really want to kiss you and then we started to make out for a bit. 

 

That did not go on for long however as she said something which I was not expecting - "I am on my period". I find having sex with girls on there periods rather disgusting so I just kissed her some more and layed back. I found this to be a good opportunity to use to just get to know her better without any expectation regarding sex whatever but we were both sweating at that time in my room and she suggested about going for a swim in the sea. I thought that was a great idea so we both got ready, went for a swim, got amazing ice cream, talking a lot. She kept on saying I was really funny as I was just talking with no filter really and being myself without caring if she liked/did not like me. She kept on calling me crazy/funny and said she liked me. Anyway after our swim at the beach, we ended up going back to hers to chill for a bit and cuddled, talked, listened to music. I tried putting something on T.V on her projector but did not really watch much of it. We cuddled a lot and it felt very nice to just be around someone without this expectation of sex. I took it completely out of my mind. 

 

She was so kind she even payed for a takeaway for us, so when we next meet I will definitely return the favour. We were together for around 5 hours in total and it flew by, there was no unenjoying the process or anything. I very much enjoyed it because the resistence non existent and I was thinking more positive thoughts about her and myself and how we are just going to have a great time together. I genuinely don't think I have ever been a carefree date as that without the trying to be liked or to impress her in some way which feels so discordant. Instead I was just being funny most of the time and that felt good to me. 

 

Something I am starting to think I enjoy doing is making people laugh, seeing smiles on there face. It is amazing to me to be so at ease like that and to try and love others in such an uncoditional way without being selfish and on how you can manipulate reality which feels bad. People are amazing and everyone has such unique interests and desires. 

 

Of course some parts of the interaction felt discordant as I am trying to improve my social skills but I find that I am actually learning more about what I like/don't like just by simply talking to others. 

 

A part of me craved sex, of course but I did not let the control the interaction. I will probably be upset if I don't meet her again but I know that I was myself and I had a good time in the interaction, that was the main thing. I enjoyed myself compared to most dates which I don't. 

 

Just slightly concerned of leading her on, perhaps I should of asked what she is looking for as I have this thing about causing suffering to people. There are some parts I felt I did not perform as well but I am being kind to myself as it is a process of learning how to socialize + enjoying the process. Being good with people is not something that just happens overnight. 

[Phil]

Great to hear! 

[Eternal]

Starting to feel a lot more tired as the day goes on, I did not get much sleep last night as I went out to practice pickup and did not go to sleep until around 7 in the morning. I am learning my social skills though and it is something that I want to improve. Been reading A course in miracles which was recommended by a friend and I found that it has really been speaking to me. It seems to be very much Christian based but explains how miracles can happen when you connect with god or source and remove the identification with the ego. Made me borderline tearful and definitely something to think about. I want to go out tonight to practice socializing but I am so tired so perhaps I need a nap soon. I want to try to go harder tonight when it comes to pickup, last night was not the best venune choice and I spent a lot of my time doing it in the streets where girls would just tell me to 'fuck off' a lot of the time. It did not seem to affect me because there are just situations that are outside of your control but in the future I will go to bars/clubs and talk to people there as they are generally more receptive to being talked to.

 

I need to do an elevate workout today as well as humour exercises and some other stuff, I really hope that I can get all this done before I go out later on tonight. Kind of tempted to get a takeaway later on - like a pizza or something but at the same time it is so unhealthy. I do find that one of my core values is definitely going to be health and I seem to consistently eat unhealthy all the time but I am obsessed with going to the gym and putting muscle on. I hate that sometimes I get thoughts of just not knowing what to say or beat myself up for saying the wrong thing, even on journaling. Going to do 30 minutes of this a day though and right now I currently feel so tired and want to go to sleep so badly, I think I will just take a nap soon. I do seem to feel somewhat hurt that the girl I messed who I had sex with in the past has not responded when I asked if she wanted to come around to mine Sunday. I have not seem to of met her in a while but I did try my best and it is on her if she does not want to meet. I will send her another text tomorrow to see but lately I find that I am just not really wanting other people to make me happy. It is nice though as she had weed, but most of my life I have wanted other people to make me feel some sort of completion and that is just not possible. Don't get me wrong sex is nice and I crave it a lot but it is how I am in relationship to sex which can be toxic. 

 

I should be living my own life and being passionate about that and if sex happens then cool, and if not also cool. Life still goes on. I honestly don't even know what to say at this point but my mind does feel overwhelmed as my Dad is expecting me to get cracking down on doing business work next week which is going to hard. I literally have zero work ethic and he wants me to do a new website within a month. I am so used to being addicted to hedonism and short term pleasure, so I guess a part of me is somewhat scared on what is going to happen next week. I find that there is a constant need for me to do something all the time, like so many habits and different things I must get done during the day which I find takes out the joy of the day. I always find that I am constantly grinding to achieving the next thing instead of taking a step back. It is never ending, I am always wanting to improve my life as if I am not already perfect. I can't just seem to sit down and chill. If I do that I feel like I will be wasting precious time that I could be on self-actualization.

 

Still worried about not having much of a sense of direction but I believe that it will come to me if I just expose myself to more life experience, continue journaling on here and expressing myself. Journaling feels so odd to me because I am really not used to it when I have been so stuck in isolation without any outlet for self expression. Basically just constantly in my head 24/7. Now when I communicate, I sometimes beat myself up saying the wrong thing. 

[Eternal]

Just got up after around 7 hours of sleep and I woke up with a lot of negative thoughts about just wanting to stay in bed all day and be on my phone, doing nothing. One girl I messaged on Friday who I previously slept with has not responded to me so I decided to double text her, kind of makes me feel worthless. Makes me think that I completely ruined the whole frame of our interaction by texting her to much in the past. I perhaps should of texted her as much, I think a few double texts earlier on in our encounters may of messed it up. Now I just always seem to be chasing and she rarely replies to my messages. I am half anticipating that she will send me a text saying how she does not want to see me again, I have got that thought quite a lot of times about her. I have a huge fear of her saying that because it has happened to me so many times on in the past.

 

I did have a great time with her but I last met her like 2 weeks ago or something so it has been a while, I want to just send her a text without expecting anything but no, I am expecting sex in some kind of way. That is probably why I messaged her, because I am lonely and want to fuck her. We did have a great time getting stoned together also and she is good company. Aside from that I did go out last night and really did not enjoy it whatsoever, I found it to be so draining and not in the mood for talking or socializing. I was hoping to talk the whole time but socializing felt so hard that night. Like there was just so much resistence. I was really trying to push myself to be humorous and funny but nothing seemed to come from it. I went in to talk to girls and basically a lot seemed attracted to me but I was in a very logical state of mind caring so deeply about what they think of me.

 

At a pub prior however, I met a girl who was in a philosophy meetup and we had a good chat. It felt somewhat more refreshing to actually have a conversation with someone but I would like to talk to the 'nornmies' and be funnny which I struggle the most with. I am debating whether to go out 2 or 3 days a week or to not go out at all. I kind of think that I am the person to kind of settle down if the right girl comes into my life and who likes me for me who I am. As I find all this seduction and game incredbly mentally challenging and draining. Getting a girls attention and not really knowing what to say. I want to talk about something funny. I suppose in that situation I just  very in my head/stifled because I am not used to it. Should be grateful that many girls find me attractive I guess. I could be short and not good looking. Gratitude is something I need to do more often instead of completely harping on the negative. 

 

The mind is a real suffering maker, I don't know what I am going to be doing today. Just currently laying in bed having not much energy to get out but I want to have a productive day and at least try to grow in some way. Need to stop relying on girls for some kind of happiness and fulfillment - like I am wasting my days until I see them. I only really look forward to seeing them. I just so crave to live in abundance when it comes to women, I suppose I find it hard to socialize and beat myself up for having a defective personality. Like I am some kind of brick wall that does not like socialize. I just checked my phone to see if I got a text from the girl I slept with about meeting later and she said she is in another city but can do another night which is good I guess, I don't believe I have any plans tomorrow night so will see her then. I am looking forward to that. That has made me feel more loved/better and not so rejected. I am so used to feeling rejected. It just comes to show how much of my own happiness that I put into girls and the opposite sex. Basically everything, if it is a good reaction I feel good and a bad one I feel bad. I keep getting thoughts on not knowing what to say or how to express myself. I wish words can come onto tje journal without me getting these toxic and negative thoughts. I do feel more motivated to get out of bed now. I need to really stop relying on girls to fulfill me and become fulfilled by myself, just by doing the things that I totally enjoy. 

 

Going to attempt to do a lot of work for my Dad's business tomorrow and really put in the hours, I am actually talking to quite a fair few girls right now and it is not that bad because a lot of girls are actually attracted to me. For now I just need to focus on my own health/going to the gym. 

[Eternal]

Was in bed for around 30 minutes before I eventually decided to get up at 7:30 am. I felt so incredibly tired and groggy when I got up as I had a horrible Sunday, in bed all day basically wasting my time watching YouTube until I fell asleep. I was to lazy to even get out of bed so I decided to get a pizza. I was basically just laying in bed all day constantly checking my phone, going through negative thoughts. Feeling incredibly tired and not motivated to achieve anything at all, I only wanted to go to sleep. It was from going out Friday & Saturday nights to practice game which I really did not enjoy as socializing is incredibly hard for me but I did try putting myself out there. It is just whenever I approach a girl, I get very stifled and unsure on what to talk about nor do I even particularly want to talk. I would much rather be in bed sleeping but I crave sex so much which is why I went out. I want to have multiple girls on rotation that I can regularly see. I want an abundance of women so that I can pick from a place of abundance instead of always being in scarcity. 

 

I seemed to of had a great day on Saturday, actually getting out of bed. Sunday was my downfall though unfortunately. I just did not have any energy to do anything whatsoever and it kind of feels like I am chasing women and sex in order to make me fulfilled, like I am not enough as I currently am. I kind of wish I would of journaled on Sunday but I am afraid of communicating which is why I put it off. I judge myself if I express myself in the wrong way. I don't understand how I can be in bed all day though. There just was literally no motivation for anything whatsoever but to waste the day and go back to sleep. I really did not enjoy Sunday at all, felt like I didn't grow in the slightest. Anyway it is a new day today, so no good on harping on past events. Gota move forward into the future and see what I can do today to create positive change. My Dad wants me help him start this business and do a website for him so I can going to try to attempt to do that. Feels stressful though as I am so used to not having a good work ethic and I find this may be just to much. What if it leads to a burnout or something. I am so used to just not doing any work at all. I want to start to improve my diet so perhaps today I might try to find different food that I can actually eat. I also really want to take bodybuilding more seriously. I find I am not that commited to it and I want to be. I need to try to have more protein to build more muscle. I find nightlife and going to to pick up women/clubbing, really affects my progress at the gym. Kind of feel like I have stalled out for a while. 

 

I want to do that, eat healthier, remove technology addiction, have a rotation of girls... not exactly sure what I want to do as a LP yet but need more experience within life I am guessing. 

 

I just constantly get urges that I always need to check my mobile device to see if I have any text messages coming in and to check them. Most importantly, I find that I really want to move out and live by myself and don't live with my grandmother. She actually had a horrible fall yesterday and really bruised both her arms & head. A part of her arms looked bloody and she told me but I felt like I did not have any kind of empathy for her or anything. I didn't know what to say in the moment so I just kind of let it go by without really saying anything.

[Eternal]

Just watched a YouTube video on getting rid of phone addiction and watched a bit of it. I don't understand why I know all this self-help knowledge but yet don't do anything to make any kind of change. Just living the same existence repeatadly. I never get angry but I think that is because there is a fear of expressing myself incase others may judge me. I used to feel anger but I feel like it has just been so supressed lately and nothing seems to make me angry. I don't get it. I just don't want others to judge me. 

 

I managed to do self -esteem stems today and want to go to the gym soon and do some work later on, hopefully today will be a good one. I realize that I spend a lot of time living upto other peoples expectations of me instead of me doing what I want to do. I kind of live for other people.... I want to live in a cave for the rest of my life sometimes.. that would be nice..... No distractions then.. Perhaps a lot of suffering though... 

[Eternal]

Just had my hair but seem to be feeling in a huge fear and getting a lot of negative thoughts. It felt incredibky uncomfortable getting my hair because I so extremely thought that I was being judged by him and did not know what to say. I did not particularly want to socialize but even if I did, I would not know how to speak. I found it to be uncomfortable. Felt very stifled within my own mind. I just came back to my flat and my 2 aunts are still here with my grandmother. Found out that my grandmother has a property viewing within a few days and that means if she takes it I will have to move out. I am so scared of all of this. I have got to a point where my mind is so numbed down and so use to living in my comfort zone of not working, doing anything and just getting stuck in negative thought loops. I find it way to challenging to even do any work at this point. Even doing 1 minute of work feels extremely uncomfortable because I have gone so long without doing any work at all. Whenever I sit down to try and focus, my mind wants distractions and dopamine also. I usually fall for the trap.

 

I just feel so tired and I went to do some work but I found that there is just problem after problem that I need to try and solve. I wish society was not so money orientated all the time. I am kind of beating myself up right now because I have so much to for the new business with my Dad but I cannot seem to focus and have counselling, went to the gym, meditated. I find it is all compiling onto me. I don't want to let my Dad down and he even said he would give me a nice bonus for doing the website but I don't feel motivated in any way at all. I just do not seem to be motivated by money. I barely have any clothes or anything but I am so used to not really spending any money at this point. I find it probably just enhances the ego. I guess it would be nice to have some so I don't have to worry about it but I want to do something because I actually enjoy doing it. I find life can get very hard and it is worse when I basically have everything going for me but still fall into the same traps day in and day out. Of saying it will be better tomorrow but everyday just repeats itself like it is groundhog day. My mind has gotten so accustumed to negative thinking and being lazy that it is basically my reality and doing any form of work feels nearly impossible. I know I need to start small but getting these constant negative thoughts is not fun to deal with when I have nothing to be sad about. I just beat myself up for not being my ideal version of myself.

 

Always the constant need to improve. I find work just so mentally exhausting and draining but I know it does need to be done if I want to actually have a good life for myself in the future. I just find all of it to be so overwhelming, trying to constantly juggle so many various different kinds of habits on a daily basis and feeling bad if I miss any one. Anyway I need to try to do a couple of hours of this website work before I go to my counselling session later. I just find that I feel kinda braindead today. Hopefully it will get better. I am sure it will, this cannot go on forever right.. Kinda feel like I am slowly going insane.... Saying that this would all get better years ago but I still feel stuck in the same place. Maybe I am improving. Who know's.

[Eternal]

@Phil @Mandy

 

Ok I realize that reality is just one thought at a time because I just met my friend and smoked weed with her. I feel love, peace & contentment right now because no belief is inherintly true. It is because I am stoned though, which removed all of the objective experience that I get so heavily identified with. Everything is a belief/thought happening within the present moment with no inherant substance behind it. It is bassicaly meaningless, like I am watching a cloud pass while being the sky. 

 

Weed has done this to me before, maybe it is because I do question my own beliefs and thoughts which do cause me inherrent suffering and accepting how I view the world is what causes my suffering. Suffering is mind created, strip the beliefs you were conditioned with while you were growing up all your life - you are free. 

 

Of course it is fucking hard to question what you perceive to be the world to be because that is your 'life' and effectively it is killing yourself to realize it never is true. I realize Leo indoctrinated me with his way of thinking by watching loads of his videos and gave me all his false beliefs that he is but again as I am typing this - you could perceive it as another belief but I am more just commincating without any thought attachment behind it. 

 

Tomorrow scares me because I will be unhigh and back to my egoic conditioning which causes all of my suffering at it's root. I distract myself by my phone, T.V, Junk food, Sleep from avoiding going within to find out that nothing I ever thought about myself is true. 

 

My main beliefs are that I need to get to a perfect self-actualized life in order to fill happiness and contement, I need to be doing self-help everyday or I am wasting my life, I cannot check my phone, I need to have sex (crave validation), Judge myself for actions I take as well as many more.. 

 

Talking to this girl - Completely and honestly opening up to her and being me felt amazing. When she was communicating - I completely went out of my own perspective and viewed reality from hers to realize no perspective is true.... just another thought or conditioning happening within the present. 

 

It's strange when you realize you have it all along and the thing that is stopping you is from wanting to go 'there' because it is another belief. Going inwards is so hard but it has to happen as that is true. Examaning more of my direct experience. 

 

Only cos i'm high.... unconscousness tomorrow - Can't wait!!! another belief I know but I am stoned so perhaps I am making slow progress into my reality without realizing it.. 

[Phil]

Woah, slow down brother. This is just noticing one thought appears at a time. Don’t want to run head on into nihilism. Thought is very ‘sneaky’, the ego albeit assumed and illusory, doesn’t vanish so readily. 

 

“Tomorrow”, he says. 

🙂

 

[Mandy]

12 hours ago, Eternal said:

@Phil @Mandy

 

 because no belief is inherintly true. It is because I am stoned though,

No, it's not because you are stoned. Yet, another belief that feels less than stellar. 

12 hours ago, Eternal said:

@Phil @Mandy

 

 .. unconscousness tomorrow - Can't wait!!! 

😆😂 That's the spirit! I'm not saying you should expect to be unconcious or credit substances for feeling good, but I think you hit on something really importany here. In positive expectation it doesn't matter what we expect. Being excited for an adventure is different from expecting everything to go perfectly. In expecting everything to go perfectly we jump in to control, and think that worry is a neccessary emotion for us to feel to avoid bad things occuring. However when we want the adventure, we want the whole thing, not just parts of it.  When instead of being willing to accept the discord of worry we open to the ups and downs and accept surprises of all kinds, we feel inspired all along. 

[Eternal]

@Phil

 

Experiencing extreme irration from not checking my phone is so challenging. I am then going to the love the emotions that I am experiencing because it is just happening in that moment. It's a feeling that I put judgement on. It's like what determines whether something feels good or bad? It's just the experience of unworthiness for example.. right? 

 

I am in a great situation in life and have nothing to really worry about whatsoever but my own judgemental thoughts about myself which causes suffering. But no I go straight into the emotion within presence and get super curious about it. It's there for a reason. I'm sure others are experiencing what i'm feeling right now. More insights about reality not checking my phone. I don't want it but I do it. Going to quite this device. It robs me of my own thoughts almost like I am being brainwashed. It makes me anxious and feel powerless within life. OK.... discordant thoughts create different feelings, I feel more agitated right now, going to make a TO-DO list.

[Phil]

42 minutes ago, Eternal said:

@Phil

 

Experiencing extreme irration from not checking my phone is so challenging. I am then going to the love the emotions that I am experiencing because it is just happening in that moment. It's a feeling that I put judgement on. It's like what determines whether something feels good or bad? It's just the experience of unworthiness for example.. right? 

Focusing on not (checking your phone) is focusing on the absence of what you want. It’s focusing on what you don’t want. Since you don’t want it, it doesn’t feel good, to you.  

 

Because you are infinite potentiality, this feels inherently discordant to you - precisely because you can have, be, and do - what you want. The resolve, or alignment, is to shift focus to what you do want. This is not the same as saying shift to doing what you want… this is only saying shifting focus to what you do want. There is no effort in shifting focus. Action will naturally follow. Allow action to naturally follow. No ‘beating up on yourself!’ If you notice you are - just notice that is still focusing on what you don’t want. 

 

Why don’t you want to check your phone… …. What is it you actually do want? 

A deeper sense of self esteem? 

Confidence?

Sovereignty?

The peace of Self?

The love of Self? 

Non-attachment to validation from other / more self assuredness & capability? 

 

It takes a little bravery in moving into new territory in life to question these matters and allow that shift of focus to what you do want. It’s humbling & could be said to be allowing of vulnerability. But it does result in feeling better, and that results in naturally focusing on & experiencing what you do want. 

42 minutes ago, Eternal said:

 

I am in a great situation in life and have nothing to really worry about whatsoever but my own judgemental thoughts about myself which causes suffering. But no I go straight into the emotion within presence and get super curious about it. It's there for a reason. I'm sure others are experiencing what i'm feeling right now. More insights about reality not checking my phone. I don't want it but I do it. Going to quite this device. It robs me of my own thoughts almost like I am being brainwashed. It makes me anxious and feel powerless within life. OK.... discordant thoughts create different feelings, I feel more agitated right now, going to make a TO-DO list.

The judgmental thoughts aren’t about a self. That “self” is thoughts. Rule that out to simplify what you’re experiencing. 

 

Are you aware of the thoughts? Yes. 

Do you see that “self” the thoughts are about anywhere (in perception)? No. 

Therefore, are those thought about a self or you? No.

Are those thoughts about a “you” in a past - related to having checked your phone? No. 

Are those thoughts about a “you” in a future - related to checking your phone? Yes.  

These thoughts are future related. Not past or “self” related. 

 

Now consider these discordant thoughts about the future and checking the cell phone - actually have nothing to do with a cell phone.  

 

There is likely something(s) else, completely unrelated to the phone, or anyone who might be texting you, which you do want, which you’re essentially pretending (no offense I hope tryna help) that you don’t actually want…  but again - very much do want… and you’re superimposing the discord of not allowing the vocalizing & realizing of what actually do want… onto what you don’t want / making it seem as if it’s about a cell phone.

 

Attributing to a cell phone sentience, choice and behaviors, as if the cell phone is asserting upon you & causing you the anxiousness & powerlessness. Cell phones are pretty amazing, but they don’t have those properties or capabilities. 

 

When you mention that you’re life situation is great, but then mention you’re experiencing anxiousness & powerlessness, these are conflicting thoughts / perspectives / statements. What might make sense & resolve the conflict, is that life is great right now, but what you want next - when you think about that - then you feel anxious & powerlessness. 

 

If that rings true, begin to notice the discordant thoughts which thus far are believed to be about you, and true about you… aren’t true, evidenced by how the thoughts feel to you… but are being projected onto the future situation you actually do want… but you aren’t noticing this. So the resolve would be noticing this. 

[Phil]

Also, again, the ‘burning the karma’ is a false conceptualization of karma, and inherently a veiling of the conditioning. You’re creating more discordant karma while suppressing & not actually addressing the conditioning. There is no such thing as “mindfully suffering”. These are deeply misguided concepts, and this is kept out of your own sight by referring to the implementing of these concepts as an addiction. 

[Eternal]

@Phil

 

My Dad wants me to do a website for him and is constantly messaging me asking if it has been done. I find that there is so much resistance when I am working on the website. Even doing 1 hour focused works seems so brutal. I am not used to working and I find it mentally taxing as I have not been in the best mental state for a while. I find that everyone seems to just be walking all over me like I am nothing. Should I tell my Dad that I really don't want to do the website and don't enjoy it whatsoever? It feels challenging trying to do something that I don't enjoy. Maybe I will like doing the property business if I get more experience with it but I highly doubt it. I find it to be a very unhealthy relationship with my Dad. He has no concept of how long a website takes to build and he expects me to get it done within a week. 

 

I was just laying in bed today for a few hours doing nothing, it was nice but I need to do something to make money. I actively procrastinate building a work ethic by going to the gym, dating, etc... Sitting in a chair trying to work feels incredibly uncomfortable. There is just so much resistence. 

 

I find that my Dad has this hold over me and just thinks he can get away with anything. Almost like I don't set any kind of boundaries or cement what I actually want out of the situation because of fear. I could say "I can do the website but at my own pace because websites take longer than you expect", that may get my Dad of my back but I am afraid of going into this business. What if I don't like it? I don't seem to like it currently, what if it gets worse? 

 

I do need money though and I have a lot of free time on my hands as I don't have a job. I suppose my Dad is just trying to be nice by offering me a job. He said he would give me a nice bonus once I finish the website. Unfortunately he fails to understand the mental challenges that I am going through and has false expectations on how long I website takes to build. 

 

I want to start slow with building a work ethic, but he is just bombarding me with emails/messages expecting me to get it done within a week. That is inevitably going to lead to burn out but my fear of self-expressing myself to my Dad is so huge. I don't even know why. Perhaps I am scared of confrontation. 

 

I don't want to be lazy and do nothing but working on this seems to be such an unenjoyable grind. 

 

Maybe I need to become more content with myself and actually develop myself instead of chasing girls, it has only lead me to this position which seems to be a lot of unhappiness. I directly correlate my happiness with the amount of validation the girls give me. I know it's not good but I have 10 years of being bullied at school/childhood conditioning to undo. 

 

Why do I check my phone? because I want love and connection with a female perhaps, I have never had a girlfriend so I don't particularly know for certain. I rarely check social media apps. It is mainly to turn off do not disturb to see who has messaged me. I am so used to isolation because of everything that has happened to me in my past, so I try my hardest to create connections with females at the dispense of my own happiness. I am going about it in the wrong way. Looking back at it, it has probably wasted all of my 20's so far. Slept with 45 girls of which most did not want to see me again. Rejected on most dates that I have been. Probably 50 at this point. I can get girls as I am attractive but I fail to work on myself. 

 

I fail to see the beauty in life which makes me suffer.

 

I am young, healthy and have endless free time but yet I still suffer because I take everything for granted. I don't want to let my Dad down but I need to assert my own boundaries. Dealing with others seems so draining. 

 

Why don't I feel like enough, what is missing? The constant void or incompleteness that I experience. It is something within my own stomach, I want the feeling to go away. 

 

It would be nice to experience more aligned thoughts but I often get swept into the darkness of my own mind that the "Oh tomorrow it is going to be different". I messed up tomorrow but I can fix myself tomorrow. What a delusion.. 

[Phil]

1 minute ago, Eternal said:

as I have not been in the best mental state for a while

There are no states. That one belief is at play, which opens the door to believing you’re an object in time with a past & future. Without that belief, now would be under no influence whatsoever of thoughts about a sep self which has ‘been in a state’ for a while. It’s that belief which feels off, not the now or the work. The thought “not having been in the best mental state for a while” is what feels discordant… because you’re not “in” states, nor “in” time. 

4 minutes ago, Eternal said:

Maybe I will like doing the property business if I get more experience with it but I highly doubt it

Experience it, and then you’ll know. Doubt is an emotional which lets you know something’s off about the thought. What’s off is it’s assumed how it will go, what it will be like. Allow open mindedness & not knowing… then there is the potential you might actually enjoy it & feel good about the work. 

5 minutes ago, Eternal said:

He has no concept of how long a website takes to build and he expects me to get it done within a week. 

 

Probably not. But are you harboring resentment - or communicating this with him? You might be assuming he knows this, when he probably just, doesn’t. 

6 minutes ago, Eternal said:

I need to do something to make money

Want to. 

7 minutes ago, Eternal said:

What if I don't like it? I don't seem to like it currently, what if it gets worse? 

Then you’ll know more about what you do want. 

7 minutes ago, Eternal said:

I do need money though and I have a lot of free time on my hands as I don't have a job. I suppose my Dad is just trying to be nice by offering me a job. He said he would give me a nice bonus once I finish the website. Unfortunately he fails to understand the mental challenges that I am going through and has false expectations on how long I website takes to build. 

Recognize the emotion of blame… communicate with him… let him off the hook with ‘he fails to understand’. 

9 minutes ago, Eternal said:

Maybe I need to become more content with myself and actually develop myself instead of chasing girls, it has only lead me to this position which seems to be a lot of unhappiness. I directly correlate my happiness with the amount of validation the girls give me. I know it's not good but I have 10 years of being bullied at school/childhood conditioning to undo. 

That there is ‘10 years of conditioning’ is conditioning. Where is ‘10 years’ at, right now? 

10 minutes ago, Eternal said:

Why do I check my phone?

Aversion from realizing assumptions & projection, and feeling communion. 

It’s perfectly normal to blame everyone & everything for how you feel. Suffering does get old though & inspection is appreciated and employed as it’s discovered what feels off is some thoughts... the assumptions & projections. 

13 minutes ago, Eternal said:

Why don't I feel like enough, what is missing?

You do. Thoughts like these feel very off with the truth that you are enough….

13 minutes ago, Eternal said:

I have never had a girlfriend so I don't particularly know for certain. I rarely check social media apps. It is mainly to turn off do not disturb to see who has messaged me. I am so used to isolation because of everything that has happened to me in my past, so I try my hardest to create connections with females at the dispense of my own happiness. I am going about it in the wrong way. Looking back at it, it has probably wasted all of my 20's so far. Slept with 45 girls of which most did not want to see me again. Rejected on most dates that I have been. Probably 50 at this point. I can get girls as I am attractive but I fail to work on myself. 

 

I fail to see the beauty in life which makes me suffer.

It just hasn’t been realized yet that you’re telling a story which doesn’t feel good to you, about a self which isn’t you. That’s realized via inspecting the thoughts, and ‘listening’ to how you feel when you believe & say discordant things about yourself. (And others). 

15 minutes ago, Eternal said:

The constant void or incompleteness that I experience. It is something within my own stomach, I want the feeling to go away. 

Go to the feeling. It is the guidance. 

15 minutes ago, Eternal said:

 

It would be nice to experience more aligned thoughts but I often get swept into the darkness of my own mind that the "Oh tomorrow it is going to be different". I messed up tomorrow but I can fix myself tomorrow. What a delusion.. 

Allow the more aligned thought to fill the space where the discordant thoughts once were, but letting go of believing the discordant thoughts. Let interest in ‘your story’ being right & true go… in exchange for feeling how you want to feel. 

 

[Eternal]

@Phil

 

Thanks man. It has really been hard the last few years but I will try my best to reflect on what you are communicating.