Waking Up

[Finitude]

Hello!

Thank you for this community! I’m going to write using dualist language because I want to be understood.

 

That said: I’ve been thinking about speaking to someone about these matters for a couple months. Over the last three years I’ve gone through a radical recontextualization of experience with all the attendant ups and downs. It began as it does with most: seeking an end to suffering. Manly P. Hall’s content led me to Leo’s content which opened the rabbit hole, so to speak. I have journal entries spanning ten plus years, many of which contemplate suicide, not as a certainty, but as a possibility, which gave a sense of control to a mind out of control. From the vantage point of wisdom, inasmuch as its been acquired, suicide as certainty or possibility now seems an absurdity.

 

Real change in experience began when I heard Eckhart Tolle say, “You are not your mind”. In retrospect, hearing those words gave me the first experience of being aware of being aware. From there I began to experience plant life differently in that an aliveness was perceived beyond the physical form, which came and went; occasionally I’d glimpse the aliveness in humans.

 

Rupert Spira’s name became apart of my mental landscape but only after some time did I explore his work, after, in retrospect, a synchronicity occurred. One of his talks triggered an experiential understanding of consciousness as a totality which collapsed the martialist paradigm.

 

I began listening to the RA Contact. The word “distortion” is used frequently. After hearing it so many times in the context of the subject matter I realized, intellectually, everything is a distortion of Unity: phenomena, perception, thought, emotion, ect. An understanding of language’s limits was realized.

 

Lying down one evening I thought of a circle morphing into all existence and I realized God as totality, that we “can’t get behind God”, which lead to the experience of Unity with all things animate and inanimate, including perceptual ephemera.

 

Since then the aliveness experienced in plant life is now in everything, though I have to exert effort to remain in that octave, which causes the body to become exhausted because I assume I’m not attuned to such a frequency. Strangely, when I first began to consciously notice beingness in different body/minds, I felt as if I was doing something I shouldn’t, like I’d get caught, and the experience of a subtle embarrassment arose. That has dissipated and now I talk to people, watch people talk among themselves, and I’m absolutely struck at just how remarkable it all is, everyone wearing these psychological garments pretending to be something they’re not. There’s such a profound humor to it all sometimes I feel like I’m going to pop or the body can just expire and I can merge back into the Source.

 

Francis Lucile eventually manifested, which further refined the understanding.

 

Now, I’m still experiencing strong distortions toward the personality, including well-worn neurotic thought patterns and associated emotions, though, admittedly, they’ve lost their charge, but I’m not immune to being carried away if I’m not diligent. It has been back and forth and back and forth but experience is trending toward stabilization. I came to the realization that there is something preventing total surrender, something with the internal dialogue. There’s probably more ignorance, but this is where experience currently resides.

 

Phil’s Youtube channel manifested, which affirmed the intuition.

 

There's more detail, but these are the broad points. 

 

Sorry for the length, but I’ve communicated to no one about this.

Thank you.   

[Faith]

Hi, welcome to the forum. My journey started after an actual suicide attempt 13 yrs ago. I was introduced to one of Eckhart Tolle's books afterwards and then became a member of a forum. I asked lots of questions and was introduced to many different spiritual teachers and books. After several years I decided to learn Advaita Vedanta and see what it was about. There I found the answers to many questions I couldn't seem to find anywhere else. Now, I'm no longer seeking which is a nice place to be at. I don't post a lot now a days. Just here and there if I feel inspired. Thanks for sharing! 

 

💙

[Phil]

Welcome!!

 

What comes to mind… progressively specific questions manifest progressively specific answers. In this means of inspection, awareness illuminates, bringing about clarity & the true nature, regardless of where the answers arise from. It is the asking of the more and more single pointed, aligned with ‘where one is at on the path’ questions that are relevant. 

 

‘Pendulums’ of thought activity like having to exert effort to remain ‘in’ a frequency and the accompanying exhaustion / discord of this are felt, and can be inspected and found to be based on underlying beliefs previously lended assumed validity such as ‘states of consciousness’. The efforting transpires as the activity of (discordant) thought, about a separate self, and is often referred to as ‘state chasing’. This is an aggrandizing, an upholding & perpetuating of the very ‘separate self’ which transpires in thought & is at root of the discord / exhaustion felt. 

 

The distortion said to be towards the personality is also indicative of the underlying states of consciousness and state chasing. It unknowingly makes an adversary which isn’t actually there. In the dispelling of these beliefs / thoughts, the apparent personality is naturally and effortlessly illuminated by & as the truth. 

[Finitude]

Faith, thank you for the message and warm greeting! I know I’m dealing with a lot of ignorance so question will arise.

 

Phil, thank you for the welcome and response.

 

There’s still a feeling in the body of separation when the mind gets antagonized. I know when it happens its illusion, that I’m making it all up, but the deep rooted feeling in the body causes a seeming forgetting of myself which is experienced as discord. From a certain perspective its interesting, because there is a degree of this distance while “in it”, but the negative feeling/sense is sticky and triggers cascades of negative emotion ranging in intensity.

 

How do I see clearly through this ignorance when I understand separation is impossible?

 

Why, when I know emotion is only an appearance, do I feel like there’s a me (even though I know there's not) to whom this negativity belongs?

 

Thank you.

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Finitude said:

There’s still a feeling in the body of separation when the mind gets antagonized. I know when it happens its illusion, that I’m making it all up, but the deep rooted feeling in the body causes a seeming forgetting of myself which is experienced as discord.

If someone said there is a separation in the empty sky when clouds appear, what would you tell them? 

If someone said a mirage in the desert happens, what would you tell them?

 

1 hour ago, Finitude said:

From a certain perspective its interesting, because there is a degree of this distance while “in it”, but the negative feeling/sense is sticky and triggers cascades of negative emotion ranging in intensity. How do I see clearly through this ignorance when I understand separation is impossible?

Which negative emotion?

 

1 hour ago, Finitude said:

 

Why, when I know emotion is only an appearance, do I feel like there’s a me (even though I know there's not) to whom this negativity belongs?

 

Thank you.

What is appearing as the I which knows emotion is only an appearance? 

[Finitude]

Phil,

 

Thank you for your responses. 

 

4 hours ago, Phil said:

If someone said there is a separation in the empty sky when clouds appear, what would you tell them? 

If someone said a mirage in the desert happens, what would you tell them?

The clouds only seem to separate the sky, but there's only the sky upon which these things appear. 

Yes, mirages happen in the desert, when we don't see things clearly. 

 

4 hours ago, Phil said:

Which negative emotion?

The bottom two. Yes the cascade of negative emotions are associated with self-referential thoughts that are currently presenting themselves to be investigated. Today's events have forced like an eruption old patterns and beliefs to the surface, which I'm accepting with gratitude.

 

4 hours ago, Phil said:

What is appearing as the I which knows emotion is only an appearance? 

Clarity. Thank you. This is where subtle beliefs in separation are perpetuating themselves by way of the separate-self subtly appropriating the understanding  as an I knowing experience. I laughed. It really is all so funny, the game being played.

 

It's understood there is no separate self, that the separate-self was only ever a mental activity, which, in ignorance, was mistaken for an independent entity acting in an independent world among other independent entities with separate existences. This is seen clearly, though it has yet to filter through the body. 

 

Intuition says inspect the I in every self-referential thought and associated emotion, which, in inspection, I know will never yield evidence of a separate-self. It's a total absurdity, but the practice will kindle communion with the truth and prevent "falling asleep". 

 

Is there ignorance in anything written that can be brought to consciousness? 

 

Thank you.

[Phil]

8 hours ago, Finitude said:

The clouds only seem to separate the sky, but there's only the sky upon which these things appear. 

What about which appears as things… vs upon which these things appear ? Subtle, but not quite the same. 

8 hours ago, Finitude said:

Yes, mirages happen in the desert, when we don't see things clearly. 

Similarly, is a mirage something that actually happens?

8 hours ago, Finitude said:

which I'm accepting with gratitude.

That’s the Spirit. 👊🏻 

Extract the ‘juice’. What do the emotions ‘say’ about the self ref thoughts? 

8 hours ago, Finitude said:

This is where subtle beliefs in separation are perpetuating themselves by way of the separate-self subtly appropriating the understanding  as an I knowing experience. I laughed. It really is all so funny, the game being played.

Laughing as well! Beautifully put. Thank you. 

8 hours ago, Finitude said:

This is seen clearly, though it has yet to filter through the body. 

Also excellent imo. The illusion of the sep self is ‘found’ in thought… and then in sensing & perceiving. Though of course you never left, be sure to relish & enjoy the journey home. It is, imo, the pinnacle of your genius & beauty. 

8 hours ago, Finitude said:

I know will never yield evidence of a separate-self

But it will allow the changes in terms of sensing & perceiving. 

8 hours ago, Finitude said:

Is there ignorance in anything written that can be brought to consciousness? 

There isn’t really any ignorance in infinity. 

[Baller]

My question to ascertain where you are stabilized is "how do you currently experience "I""? Is there a center that you experience?

 

I'm not talking about intellectual knowledge but actual subjective experience.  Can you find a center that implies a separate self, ever? Sometimes? Never?

[Finitude]

Hello!

 

Phil, yes, the subtly, it changes the experience. It's understood. Thank you. 

 

As thoughts and emotions (+/-) arise they are investigated and over and over the investigation yields no owner, then the experience of cellular level inner peace occurs as there's an almost immediate "sinking back into myself". This has been revelatory, though it's shocking at its root the psychophysical organism, this knowing of myself in a new way.

 

Thank you for your generosity. I'm should probably speak with you directly at some point sooner rather than later. 

 

 

*(Baller, thank you for your response, though I want to address Phil specifically in this thread.)

 

 

 

 

[Phil]

@Finitude

Thank you, much love & anytime. 🍻 

[James123]

On 8/2/2022 at 9:39 PM, Finitude said:

I came to the realization that there is something preventing total surrender, something with the internal dialogue.

This is the key. Don’t fight with thoughts, dont ignore, do not challenge, be witness and watch. 

[Orb]

@Finitude hey 🙂

 

I really liked when you mentioned that the life in plant life is seen as the life of all things, I can relate 100%! 

 

Seems like it's starting to be seen that Being and Awareness are the same. 

 

I'd suggest focusing on the raw sensation of your existence, literally feel into the eyes, the face, the body, etc. Put all your focus on that sense, and notice that those sensations are synchronized with all sensations (sound of cars, food, people, etc. Basically every "thing"). 

 

Feel the BE-ing that you are, as you focus on the I AM or sense of your existence in other words, the apparent "gap" between the witness and the witnessed will get shorter and shorter, or maybe it'll completely be seen through in the blink of an eye 🤷‍♂️.