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Compulsive urges


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I constantly get thoughts on checking my text messages on my phone even though I don't particularly enjoy it. I usually have my phone on do not disturb because my "ideal" self would not waste time on consuming mindless content. I get so many thoughts throughout the day of wanting to turn of do not disturb and check if anyone has messaged me. Especially girls. It feels like a drug. Whenever I get the thought, I feel tension within my being and if I compulsively act out on it - I hate myself for doing so. Like I have no control. Like my thoughts are controlling me. 



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You mentioned whenever I get the thought (about comparing a self to an ideal self)… I feel tension, act compulsively, and hate myself. That’s four selves of thought. The one who gets thoughts, the one the thought is about, and the one said to hate, and the one said to be hated. That is what feels so off. There is only one self. 


It might come to mind, ‘well yeah but I’m not self realized, so I don’t know there’s only the One Self’… to which I would say the same again - there aren’t ‘other selves’, so there also aren’t ‘other selves’ which are self realized. There is just noticing how it feels when the thoughts about the selves are experienced. So I would remove attention from the more topical content, girls, sex, compulsion, control, etc, and take the simple approach. Notice thoughts about selves feels of, to, The Self. The simple solution isn’t a learning or knowing, but understanding why thoughts about separate selves feel off. Because there aren’t any. 


The so to speak ‘separate self’ or ‘ego’ avoids noticing this like the plague. Yet in noticing this, the suffering ends. Noticing this looks like being genuinely interested in inspecting for these selves. Trying to find the ‘myself’, the ‘self that hates’, etc. In assuming the thoughts are true the suffering is perpetuated, because that is what suffering is. It is only the One Self which is feeling these thoughts. 

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