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fopylo
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A very tough and grueling night was last night. Work all day, 2 hours of sleep. Movers came. I went to a meeting of the camp.

Fuck...

I mean, this is sad man.. I'm just feeling pessimistic about this.

I am far from civilization.. far from friends... I fucking hate my dad. I don't enjoy much his company. Not only him, also my brother. I hate the way they approach stuff. They are very practical, and I seem to be less grounded. My brother gives me orders, like who the fuck does he think he is? I am here with my shaved head, presenting as a soldier for this country, and he is acting as though I'm nothing. I really hate his logic. My brother's rationality is really stupid many times. It's funny because I am more rational and emotional than him, but he is more grounded and practical than me. He is a bit like my dad. He and my dad have a better relationship than me and my dad. He also has better relationships with people in our family like uncle and aunt, even our new neighbors... what has changed with him?

 

Ugh man! I hate my fucking room! Nothing is aesthetic, I can't find the balance between the placements of the stuff here!

This is so fucking nuts man! Like, on Sunday I'm literally starting the army, coming back only on weekends. It is fucked up that I need to spend my whole weekend, and probably further weekends on preparing this house (moving stuff around back and forth).

I was happy I went to this camp meeting - more for them to deal with for when I come back home there will be work done. (and not to be around my annoying fucking brother that likes to take a role above me, taking the lead on me. Fuck him! Like really fuck this kid! Trying to be someone big...).

 

I am indeed angry at him and my father. It is really hard living with them. It's hard with my father because of his practicality being insensitive and acting childish (like a child when he's angry). It's hard with my brother because he makes me feel inferior to him. Fuck him, really. It hurts my self esteem and the idea that I can be a person who leads authentically.

 

I still have a lot to pack. I fucking hate this design of my room, what are those fucking stupid bland colors?! It isn't appealing. There are many things that were better about the previous house, much better things.

 

I am torn. It is hard for me though. I don't know how will be the next week or two, but it does scare me.

Parents realistically now split apart, not so good relationship with parents, house I don't like the design, tons of consistent house work, far from town, and far from friends (it is very quite and empty here). It will be tough for me. Also I'm hiding the fact that I am going to an Asperger's path (optional. You could also serve regularly), and thus getting better opportunities. I must keep up with protecting the fake stories.

I am kinda happy though that some of the people on this same path are very cool people and it was fun talking to them. I felt more socially capable around them, and we are all high functioning people. The thing though is that we'll only be for 6 weeks together (after that each one is getting their job/duty/service role) and then we split (probably) for the remaining 2.5 years.

 

I uploaded a story on Instagram of a sad emoji comparing the different rooms I have in both houses. Hopefully I'll get some replies to feel better, and perhaps an opportunity to surprise people that I moved (not many people know it)

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@fopylo Hello again! As expected this is a difficult time for you right now (Hugs) 🤗

 

When I moved out of my childhood home (already told you the story) I forgot to mention it was into an apartment with all white walls and most of my apartment had to be furnished by thrift store and budget store stuff, because I was broke. So, it wasn't fabulous at all, but time ticks by and things became normal and my old house became a distant memory while I made my new home a better home. 😊 

 

As far as your dad and brother I heard a saying this week that I feel is true. It is that "hurt people, hurt people". When you can look at it in that way you can see they are just reacting to their conditioning and it's not really personal to you, even though it feels that way. Try to take a big deep breath and not respond right away, if possible, and when you do respond try to do no harm yourself with your words, so you can walk away from the interaction without needing to ruminate about it in any way...and you can let it go. 😉 

 

You're gonna be okay. It hurts now but in time that hurt will diminish and you'll move on. 💙

 

 

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18 hours ago, fopylo said:

He and my dad have a better relationship than me and my dad.

Careful not to believe you have to agree on anything, to have a great relationship. That in & of itself is practical & grounding. 

18 hours ago, fopylo said:

It is fucked up that I need to spend my whole weekend, and probably further weekends on preparing this house (moving stuff around back and forth).

Enjoy it. Let go, put some music on, allow appreciation for whatever you’re doing. Feel a little less I need to and a little more I want to. 

18 hours ago, fopylo said:

brother that likes to take a role above me, taking the lead on me

Allow him to think that if he does. You can observe that, without having to think that way. Let him. Maybe it’s what he needs right now. We never really know what’s going on ‘in’ anyone else, but you can be aware of and lean towards alignment with what’s going on ‘in’ you. 

18 hours ago, fopylo said:

I am indeed angry at him and my father. It is really hard living with them. It's hard with my father because of his practicality being insensitive and acting childish (like a child when he's angry). It's hard with my brother because he makes me feel inferior to him. Fuck him, really. It hurts my self esteem and the idea that I can be a person who leads authentically.

Don’t lead. Be selfish. Put how you feel first. Allow them to do the same, they have a source, let em off the hook and you’re off the hook with that discord. 

18 hours ago, fopylo said:

I fucking hate this design of my room, what are those fucking stupid bland colors?! It isn't appealing. There are many things that were better about the previous house, much better things.

It is your room. Best love & appreciate it, which is putting how you feel above what you think. Skip the judging of it, and allow thoughts of what you’ll change, and feel that it feels better to do so. 

18 hours ago, fopylo said:

I am torn. It is hard for me though. I don't know how will be the next week or two, but it does scare me

Nobody does. But not everybody feels the letting go, the comfort in feeling, of the recognition of not knowing. 

18 hours ago, fopylo said:

I uploaded a story on Instagram of a sad emoji comparing the different rooms I have in both houses. Hopefully I'll get some replies to feel better, and perhaps an opportunity to surprise people that I moved (not many people know it)

I wouldn’t look so much for good feeling to come from, or be a result of…

18 hours ago, fopylo said:

I am torn. It is hard for me though. I don't know how will be the next week or two, but it does scare me.

Parents realistically now split apart, not so good relationship with parents, house I don't like the design, tons of consistent house work, far from town, and far from friends (it is very quite and empty here). It will be tough for me. Also I'm hiding the fact that I am going to an Asperger's path (optional. You could also serve regularly), and thus getting better opportunities. I must keep up with protecting the fake stories.

I am kinda happy though that some of the people on this same path are very cool people and it was fun talking to them. I felt more socially capable around them, and we are all high functioning people. The thing though is that we'll only be for 6 weeks together (after that each one is getting their job/duty/service role) and then we split (probably) for the remaining 2.5 years.

I’d ‘remove’ the content from that passage and notice there are ways of thinking that resonate and ways of thinking that don’t. 

Let go swiftly of those that don’t. Be the ‘bigger person’ by being the slower thinking, understanding, forgiving person. 

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@Faith

19 hours ago, Faith said:

As far as your dad and brother I heard a saying this week that I feel is true. It is that "hurt people, hurt people". When you can look at it in that way you can see they are just reacting to their conditioning and it's not really personal to you, even though it feels that way.

It doesn't seem really as if they're hurt to be honest. Maybe my father sometimes is acting from this place, but I don't see it much on my brother. To be honest, I don't really recall seeing my brother being reactive and hurt. I see him as someone who became better with people and managing projects and team work, and sometimes it annoys me, not some times. I like having control, or some control.

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@fopylo So, maybe it's not that and that's good for you know, then you're just different type's of people.

 

Most of my life I didn't really like my dad too much. He's loud and obnoxious really. He's a very smart person, so he can make you feel dumb easily, lol.  He's pretty intimidating to be around and can make you uncomfortable. I haven't lived by him for most of my adult life. I love him, but it's complicated. He's old now (80) and has smoothed out around the rough edges just a bit. So, I can tolerate him a bit more, but he's still loud and obnoxious. 😂

 

 

 

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