Spirituality, made me worse? Dispassionate state

[Forza21]

It seems like all this non-dual teachings really got me into a nihilistic, dispassionate state.

 

I tried to make a dream board, and there's nothing  i would like to try or achieve.  I feel like it doesn't matter anyway, or it won't make my happy.

I wake up every day, and just pray for this day to be over. Actually my biggest wish is, that i was gone. 

Why even bother if it's all a dream?

Why even bother if i don't know what's real or not? 

Why even bother if it is infinity indeed, i might just die this lifetime, whatever.

 

When i was chasing ego-based goals, like money, bigger house, car etc., at least i had a purpose. After stepping into spirituality, it all lost meaning and i have nothing to do or achieve. It totally meaningless, boring, and stupid.

Right now i have 0 interest in anything "world'ly" , i read all day on spirituality, and it doesn't help anyway. It actually makes things worse.


Is anyone it this state?

Does anyone know what to do? 

Edited July 5, 2022 by Forza21

[Loop]

Inspect what is going on, guiding the swaying away from to focusing upon what is actually going on. 

 

What to do, let the thoughts settle,

do nothing. 
Feeling is It and what takes you to that which you seek. 
 

Dispassionate towards thoughts, 

You don’t want mind rot, 

Just to be brought, 

Back to feeling the whole lot. 
 

Why bother? This Dream is here for you to do you. 
Allow it to be, no need to know, feel what is so.

 

[Phil]

2 hours ago, Forza21 said:

It seems like all this non-dual teachings really got me into a nihilistic, dispassionate state.

Could you share the verbiage and or video you’re referring to?

Are you willing to talk about this to the extent you experience clarity & feel much better?

What is meant by state?

[Phil]

If you are experiencing ideation, immediately google and call a prevention hotline. Don’t wait, call right now. There are people who want to help & are specifically trained to. This forum is not similar to that hotline. Make the best use of both, not one or the other. 

 

 

“Spirituality, made me worse? Dispassionate state.”

I think it’s worthwhile to question what it is you hold spirituality to be, because it might be more accurate (to you) to say ideology is discordant, and that the discord felt is being called spirituality & a dispassion state. 

 

Spirituality (noun)

1: Something that in ecclesiastical law belongs to the church or to a cleric as such.

2: Clergy. 

3: Sensitivity or attachment to religious values

4: The quality or state of being spiritual

 

I paste that definition just to acknowledge it, be transparent, upfront & clear that this is not at all what I hold spirituality to be / what I mean by spirituality. Rather, I hold spirituality to be the investigation of reality such that, or until, The Truth is realized. 

 

9 hours ago, Forza21 said:

It seems like all this non-dual teachings really got me into a nihilistic, dispassionate state.

 

Actually my biggest wish is, that i was gone

 

A wish is essentially a thought, or the activity of thought. The ‘separate self’ is not a self, but are thoughts about a self. The relevance is that thoughts about a self, are thoughts, and the self always remains prior to the thoughts, as awareness, aware of. Much more directly said, it is not the self - awareness - which is desired to be gone. It is the thoughts about ‘a separate self’ which are discordant… and therefore the desire is actually to be without those thoughts. 

 

I asked if there is willingness to talk about this to the extent you experience clarity & feel much better, because settling for discordant thought doesn’t result in dispelling discordant thoughts. In dispelling, seeing through the falsity of discordant thoughts, clarity, awareness, love, the self, is unveiled, unobscured.  The reluctance to do so is an indication of shame. Shame is also dispelled, seen through, obliterated for good - by the willingness to express & inspect. There is no belief, no thing, no discord, and no suffering, which can withstand the illumination of awareness. 

 

Sometimes thoughts about ‘the separate self’ are discordant, sometimes they aren’t. The thoughts you’re experiencing are discordant. But, as a reference, there isn’t the first of the four noble truths yet. There is not yet the acknowledgement of suffering. The discord / suffering is said to be anything else other than, how some thoughts feel. 

 

The thought that you are in a state is a thought about a separate finite self, which is in some thing… a state. Identifying as finite occurs via believing thoughts. These beliefs are discordant precisely because these thoughts, this ideology, is untrue. This doesn’t resonate, and veils, and creates confusion rather than unveils clarity, awareness, consciousness, love.  

 

Then there is the activity of thought about essentially how to feel better, without considering or noticing what isn’t resonating, is the thoughts, and that the thoughts are indicative of, an ideology.

 

Ideology

1a: a manner or the content of thinking characteristic of an individual, group, or culture

1b: the integrated assertions, theories and aims that constitute a sociopolitical program

1c: a systematic body of concepts especially about human life or culture

2: visionary theorizing

 

Again, I’m just pasting the definition to be upfront & as clear as possible with exactly what I mean by ideology, which is indicative of, the same as, the definition. Ideology is not the truth, but is: content of thinking, assertions, concepts, theorizing aimed at a program. 

 

Naturally, then, there are thoughts about ‘how do I change the state I’m in’ or ‘how do I get into a better state’. What’s missed is that there isn’t a you which is in a state in the first place. There is an experience of these thoughts, about a you being in states. This ‘you’ and these ‘states’, are thoughts, aka, a ‘thought loop’. (You’re not actually in thoughts, you’re awareness of thoughts). 

 

In conceptualizing about a separate self in a state, spiritual bypassing / suppression occurs, because the discord / suffering, isn’t actually acknowledged, addressed, nor inspected or expressed. It persists via the thought loop about a you in a state. More specifically, this is ideological bypassing, or using an ideology as the means of not acknowledging & understanding the discord, and thus there is not the relief & clarity of expressing, and there is not the feeling of alignment. (Yet)  

 

Ideology can actually be employed in this way such that it is the very ‘thing’ which is prohibitive or cumbersome to feeling alignment, and therein, feeling better… and the “solution” is then the program the ideology is actually aimed at in the first place. But the “solution” is to the “problem” which is the ideology, which is only… the activity of thoughts. 

 

The point is what you really wish was gone is the discord, the suffering, and not yourself - not the unconditional love that you are. That, You, is what you actually want more of. The discord is the variance between the love you are, and the thoughts focused upon, and though it may sometimes seem so in language, the discord is not between ‘two selves’. 

 

The in states ideology results in believing, as you said, that nondual teachings ‘got me into’ a nihilistic, dispassionate state. 

That there is a separate self which is in states is not a nondual teaching. 

You are not in a state. You are not in anything at all. 

An ideology is not a nondual teaching, and the confusion is quite understandable & dispell-able, and your participation & willingness to do so, to look, to inspect, makes it so, sets you free. 

 

Perhaps you overlook for some reason, that the mind or teacher or experience so to speak of which this ideology arose also experienced ideation upon the inception of the ideology. We can have compassion in imagining the discord. Yet no other ‘nondual teacher’ to the best of our knowledge (correct me if this is not accurate) experienced anything even remotely close to ideation upon awakening. Very much, and entirely the opposite. Love. Truth.The Great Relief. The Good News. Not death but Born again.  An Unconditional embrace of life, of thoughts, of sensations, of emotion, of all that is, as Self (awareness, consciousness, love). With respect to direct experience, I can only attest there was nothing what so ever like ideation upon awakening in, so to speak, this experience. 

9 hours ago, Forza21 said:

I tried to make a dream board, and there's nothing  i would like to try or achieve. 

From this post it’s clear what you want is to feel meaningfulness & passion. Focusing on nihilism, an ism, the activity of thoughts, like Mormonism, Catholicism, Jainism or Solipsism, is only the activity of thought, and is nothing more. Focusing on states, such as what state you’re in, what state someone else has achieved or is in, and what state ‘you’ are trying to achieve and or be in, or what state the happiness will be in, is only the activity of thoughts, and nothing more. This is the believing of comparative / separate self thoughts and is not an orientation of inspecting. This is a way of ‘covering up’ Truth by conceptualizing, instead of expressing, understanding / clarity, and healing / feeling alignment, being Self,  self-realization… that you are the clarity, awareness, consciousness - love, that is, and is perfect, whole & complete. 

 

When there is momentum of focusing on what you don’t want, and conceptualizing, and a ‘separate self’ ideological veiling, it might very much seem that there isn’t anything you want, because desire & clarity are obscured by confusion & apathy, but the evidence that there very much is that which you want, is that there is much knowing of what you don’t want. 

9 hours ago, Forza21 said:

I feel like it doesn't matter anyway, or it won't make my happy.

Part of any ideology, is that it will lead to happiness. The activity of thought does not lead to happiness. It can be aligned, it can be discordant, but happiness is not found in thoughts, because happiness is prior to, and aware of, thoughts. 

 

What stands to occur & be experienced is the shift of focus from what you don't want, to what you do want. 

That shift is being inhibited by the belief that something in a future or a future state will make a you happiness. 

This is the same as believing happiness / feeling  is or could be in, a future… similar to believing you (happiness) are in a state, or that happiness is a state. Happiness does not have a me that happiness could or could need to, make happy. 

It’s an expressing, a letting go, an un-obscuring. 

 

This is, most unfortunately imo, the thought loop hamster wheel you seem to be caught up in. 

The ideological confusion can not be solved with more thinking, because the ideological confusion is the thinking. Trying to arrive at peace with more activity of thought / figuring out / thinking, is like trying to dry the lawn by spraying it with the hose. It doesn’t work, and feeling tells you so. There is emotional guidance which clarifies, is literally guidance to what you actually do want…  but it is again most unfortunately, obscured, set aside, via concepts & ideology.  

How free we are indeed. It is a gift imo. Yet, so free we can suffer. We don’t have to though. ‘It’ can be inspected and seen through. Seen for what it is and isn’t. 

9 hours ago, Forza21 said:

Why even bother if it's all a dream?

Taking one at one’s word of self-realization… why suffer the believing of the thoughts of a dream, when there is the ever-present real-time guidance to what’s wanted? ‘In the dream?’  To the point of dreaming in the first place… the alignment, the re-membering, the experiencing, the creating?

 

…You are not lost, You are not missing, You are dreaming (analogously) but innocently and unbeknownst, in ignore-ance of the very fabric of the dream, You, the guidance… and so it certainly seems that You are missing or are lost. Less focus on the ‘you’ of the activity of thought, and more understanding of why some thoughts are discordant is the alignment / relief. 

 

The dreamer & the dream, as to lucid dreaming respective of awakening, are also conceptual. An accurate finger so to speak, but still a finger to be discarded in favor of seeing the moon. 

9 hours ago, Forza21 said:

Why even bother if i don't know what's real or not? 

To realize. Without doubt. Without question. 🤍

Not to mention…  to experience all that your creation has to offer, and to live as the thrill of the truth, as you intended - that you are a… the creator. 

9 hours ago, Forza21 said:

Why even bother if it is infinity indeed, i might just die this lifetime, whatever.

In thought, there are only opposites. Up & down, north & south, it & infinity, real & not real, self & other, living & dying, etc. 

In the suggested ‘methods’, meditation, the emotional scale, expressive journaling, and any expressing such as talking with someone, therapy, etc - there are not these. As in, the focus in not on the thoughts.

 

While this isn’t a claim to know, the pause on expansion & on seeing through paradoxes, is indicative of shame. Of ‘keeping a secret’, of suppression therein. The methods are the opposite direction, orientation, and result in relief, alignment, and therein the ‘shining through’ of clarity, awareness, consciousness, love, and therein, love & reverence for all life, experience, creation, creating, and for the living of life. 

9 hours ago, Forza21 said:

When i was chasing ego-based goals, like money, bigger house, car etc., at least i had a purpose. After stepping into spirituality, it all lost meaning and i have nothing to do or achieve. It totally meaningless, boring, and stupid.

There wasn’t, and still isn’t, an I which had or has, a purpose.  That is duality, the activity of thought - ‘self as a thing’ (the ‘separate self’), which has a ‘thing’, (‘a purpose’)… with happiness, meaningfulness, fulfillment, wholeness, awareness, consciousness, clarity - love - being dependent upon fulfilling, reaching, obtaining or achieving, said purpose. If ideology were a snake, it’d already have a Forza21 sized lump right in the middle. 🫤

 

The scale is helpful in clarifying & understanding, and therein, in feeling, being, yourself. 🤍

“Meaningless” & stupid” are judgements, thoughts, and the emotional guidance in regard to these thoughts is felt as pessimism.

Actual boredom feels better because it is the acknowledgement, and therein the admittance of & the illuminating & releasing of, pessimism.

 

The relevance is that it is the end of suffering & the beginning of the unveiling of the peace which is ever-present, which seemed veiled by the activity of thought, ideologies, concepts, etc, etc. Believing there is the experience of boredom when pessimism is what’s actually felt, is like believing one is self-realized when suffering is what’s actually felt. 

 

With respect to the dreamboard, I see there are more experiences you actually desire… money, a bigger house, and a car. 

Something else the emotional scale sheds clarity on… right now, experiencing pessimism and or boredom, isn’t yet contentment, and thus isn’t conducive to writing what you want on the dreamboard. Pessimism is resistance, boredom is more allowing, contentment is peace, hopefulness is alignment, positive expectations / belief / optimism is consciously creating. 

9 hours ago, Forza21 said:

Right now i have 0 interest in anything "world'ly" , i read all day on spirituality, and it doesn't help anyway. It actually makes things worse.

There is a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path. Books, concepts, teachers, ideologies, etc, etc.. are knowledge, knowing. 

Meditation, be it formally seated or otherwise, expression, willingness, inspection, illumination, etc… are walking the path. 

 

Stubbornness, ornery-ness, arrogance, ignorance, pride, vanity, delusion, resistance, judgement, hatred, anger, rage, resentment, bitterness - these are not experiences to be ashamed of. These are just how it is, because what appears to forget, actually forgets by appearing. This transpires in the ignorance & innocence of forgetting. The clarity of this is difficult, if not most likely impossible, amongst so much activity of thought. But it arises naturally of walking the path, not of knowing the path. 

9 hours ago, Forza21 said:

Is anyone in this state?

Does anyone know what to do? 

No, nobody’s in states, and nobody knows what to do. 🙂 We’re just all in the same boat, and all inevitably let go of what is discordant, which turns out to be what to do, but of course isn’t a doing.

 

The dreamboard really shines, really makes it effortless… the what to do, the what resonates, the what’s meaningful, and the adventure, alignment, passion & communion naturally ensue & unfold therein. 

[Forza21]

@Phil 
Thank you as always, Phil. It really melts my heart every time, how much passion, time, and involvement you put, to all those answers here. You are like our father. ❤️ 
I just want you to know, that your movies, answers, and blog post, are always joy for me. So as "spirituality" i'm not referring to you anyhow. ❤️ 

 

Yes. You are 100% right. Those are thoughts about separated self, which doesn't really exist, which are bugging me. Thoughts -> believes -> feelings.
and i know that, "it's just a thought" but it doesn't change anything right now.

Mostly:

Sadness:

1. Thought that i know the truth and i don't like it. It was better not to know.

2. Thought that maybe i don't know the truth and i want to know, everything is meaningless without it.
3. I was so much better without spirituality, at least i believed it is all real, and i enjoyed it somehow.
4. If it's all the dream, it's all pointless, stupid, and meaningless.

5.  I don't know what and who is real, so why involve in anything?
 

Anger:

1. What kind of sick "God" would let me suffer like that? Why sick experiences like that?

2. What kind of sick "God" would make me believe that world is real at first, just to take it away from me.

3. What kind of sick "God" would play me like that, what the fuck is that, some sick game of psycho?
4. I don't like being "me" 

5.  Why i can't know the truth, why i bother with living like that and not "knowing" what "game" i'm playing....

6.   I don't know what and who is real, so why involve in anything?


Fear:
1.  How come being alone (i'm not talking about solipsism even, but still, it's just GOD even if it comes with 7 blion different finite form)  in infinity is joyful?
2. I can't die if i suffer, that's terrible...

3. All that suffering in the world, that's me also...
4. I'm alone on the human level, whenever i go it's just me, myself, and "i" and i don't accept myself. I feel like being stuck in "being me".

5.   I don't know what and who is real, so why involve in anything?


yeah...  With that, it goes all kind of harmful behaviors...

All that phrasing especially from Vedanta, like " all is dream" " it's not real" "there's nobody" etc feels like a shithole, and i don't understand what's the point of existing like that.

How come is all love, joy, and pleasure, when it looks like that?

I used to have small things which made me feel good. Games. Sport. Books. Relationship. Friends.

Now there's literary 0 of those. Because of the thoughts activities as above, which overlays everything i do.


I try to mediate, observe it, expressing journal. But i can't work, do something for passion, i sit all day doing nothing, and i feel like " i need to find answers" . So i search, read about spirituality, and it goes back to the shithole...


I feel like nothing "wordly" would bring me pleasure, unless i "get enlightenment" and know the truth. And it won't come, i know. 

Thank you ...

 

Edited July 6, 2022 by Forza21

[Phil]

On 7/6/2022 at 4:10 PM, Forza21 said:

How come is all love, joy, and pleasure, when it looks like that?

‘Looks like that’ refers to the thoughts previously listed. Essentially it’s because it doesn’t look like that… there’s thoughts like that. The thoughts are basically rogue, not connected with understanding of which emotions are experienced and why. The insight and clarity arises (and love, joy and pleasure) from the connecting the dots to the emotions. It seems like the thoughts are true, and the content is what’s felt, but the thoughts aren’t true, and it’s the thoughts that are felt. 

On 7/6/2022 at 4:10 PM, Forza21 said:

I feel like nothing "wordly" would bring me pleasure, unless i "get enlightenment" and know the truth. And it won't come, i know

This is the same. 

This included thoughts about God. 

Meditation & the ‘tools’ do work, and are not per se, ‘work’ at all. 

This might seem like a ‘cold response’, but with sometime using them it will be seen to have been quite the opposite. 

[Phil]

On 7/6/2022 at 4:10 PM, Forza21 said:

i know that, "it's just a thought" but it doesn't change anything right now.

What needs to change? 

In moving from worry on up the scale, contentment is verified by ‘what needs to change such that you can feel contentment with this moment as it is. If a thought, a condition arises, by that thought you know which emotion is felt, and then can start from that emotion and go up the scale. It does work, willingness is necessary, and it’s common to let a pessimistic thought go to then feel boredom and then contentment. 

On 7/6/2022 at 4:10 PM, Forza21 said:

Sadness:

1. Thought that i know the truth and i don't like it. It was better not to know.

2. Thought that maybe i don't know the truth and i want to know, everything is meaningless without it.
3. I was so much better without spirituality, at least i believed it is all real, and i enjoyed it somehow.

Sadness is much more conceptual than an emotion, and isn’t on the scale accordingly. Clarity is in using the scale, and in understanding the emotions, and in receiving the guidance with respect to the thoughts. (Which are about a separate self, not actually you). 

On 7/6/2022 at 4:10 PM, Forza21 said:

4. If it's all the dream, it's all pointless, stupid, and meaningless.

If it’s a dream, it’s you, and you’re saying that about yourself, which wouldn’t feel good to you if anyone said those things about you. 

On 7/6/2022 at 4:10 PM, Forza21 said:

5.  I don't know what and who is real, so why involve in anything?

Involve in finding out. Don’t dwell or complain, simply for how it feels to do so. Using the scale and an expression journal are involvement. I would get involved. Expression begets clarity & feeling better. That is what you actually want, but earnestly of that is necessary. 

On 7/6/2022 at 4:10 PM, Forza21 said:

Anger:

1. What kind of sick "God" would let me suffer like that? Why sick experiences like that?

Inspect the difference between pain & suffering. Understand what suffering is. Thus, it is illuminated, and dispelled, destroyed, obliterated by the light of awareness. 

On 7/6/2022 at 4:10 PM, Forza21 said:

2. What kind of sick "God" would make me believe that world is real at first, just to take it away from me.

Understand you are infinite, and by being reality, you therein forget yourself. It’s not “sick”, it’s the only possibility for infinite being, which btw of course is you, and is love, and is unconditional, which is precisely why these thoughts don’t feel good to, you. 

On 7/6/2022 at 4:10 PM, Forza21 said:

3. What kind of sick "God" would play me like that, what the fuck is that, some sick game of psycho?

This expression is very likely about someone from your experience, and or past, and not actually about yourself. Expression might bring about emotions and tears, and that is ok. That is ideal. It’s actually what you want, but won’t know until you do.  That is letting it go, accepting, forgiving, healing, aligning. 

On 7/6/2022 at 4:10 PM, Forza21 said:

4. I don't like being "me" 

You are you. There might be some thought, habits, behaviors you’d like to change, but it just isn’t possible to think yourself. You are yourself. You seem awesome to me. 

On 7/6/2022 at 4:10 PM, Forza21 said:

5.  Why i can't know the truth, why i bother with living like that and not "knowing" what "game" i'm playing....

Cause you are the truth…. And… aren’t using the tools yet. 

On 7/6/2022 at 4:10 PM, Forza21 said:

6.   I don't know what and who is real, so why involve in anything?

 

Stop falling for it / believing people making claims they do. See their intentions & motives, don’t be so gullible. 

🤍 

On 7/6/2022 at 4:10 PM, Forza21 said:

Fear:
1.  How come being alone (i'm not talking about solipsism even, but still, it's just GOD even if it comes with 7 blion different finite form)  in infinity is joyful?

Because you are. This don’t mean discordant thoughts about being alone feel great. Thoughts aren’t for you, they’re for creating what you want, the life you want. In their proper place, it’s perfectly fine. Thinking won’t result in any ‘knowing’ so to speak, about you. Practices, meditation, expression, trips, retreats, the tools, etc, will. 

On 7/6/2022 at 4:10 PM, Forza21 said:

2. I can't die if i suffer, that's terrible...

You haven’t inspected enough yet to see how you’re creating suffering. Question that, inspect that - without judging (‘terrible’). Don’t assume suffering, don’t just settle, inspect & express.  

On 7/6/2022 at 4:10 PM, Forza21 said:

3. All that suffering in the world, that's me also...

That’s a thought. You have no direct experience of ‘all the suffering in the world’. You haven’t inspected yet, you’re believing surface level thoughts and believing you’re right, even though you’re suffering. You’re not ‘right’. 

On 7/6/2022 at 4:10 PM, Forza21 said:

4. I'm alone on the human level, whenever i go it's just me, myself, and "i" and i don't accept myself. I feel like being stuck in "being me".

There’s no levels. Garbage in garbage out. Careful what you put in front of you. Connect the dots to the suffering. 

I = myself. There isn’t another you which the thoughts are about. 

 

Awakening is unbelievable. So good, it’s incommunicable. Unbelievably good. What you’re talking about isn’t awakening, but you’re believing you’re right, that it is. That is suffering. 

On 7/6/2022 at 4:10 PM, Forza21 said:

yeah...  With that, it goes all kind of harmful behaviors...

Assuming you mean harming yourself or others, immediately get help with this. Do not accept this, get the help you need, if that is the case. 

On 7/6/2022 at 4:10 PM, Forza21 said:

All that phrasing especially from Vedanta, like " all is dream" " it's not real" "there's nobody" etc feels like a shithole, and i don't understand what's the point of existing like that.

The person so to speak saying it is awake, you aren’t yet, so to you it seems like it’s horrible, but you haven’t inspected much yet, and don’t realize what you’re feeling is your interpretation of what they’re saying. Inspecting & using the practices & tools, that suffering would be replaced by joy & understanding, which is really uncovered and not a replacement. Joy & understanding are covered by incessant activity of thought, which meditation, expression, therapy, other practices & tools do properly address and resolve.  

On 7/6/2022 at 4:10 PM, Forza21 said:

I used to have small things which made me feel good. Games. Sport. Books. Relationship. Friends.

Now there's literary 0 of those. Because of the thoughts activities as above, which overlays everything i do.

All of those activities actually still do, right now, feel good to you The thoughts about them do not. 

On 7/6/2022 at 4:10 PM, Forza21 said:

I try to mediate, observe it, expressing journal. But i can't work, do something for passion, i sit all day doing nothing, and i feel like " i need to find answers" . So i search, read about spirituality, and it goes back to the shithole...

You’re not using the emotional scale. This is what it’s for, it will change this. It’s not ‘work’. It’s clarity & understanding & resonating with love. 

On 7/6/2022 at 4:10 PM, Forza21 said:

I feel like nothing "wordly" would bring me pleasure, unless i "get enlightenment" and know the truth. And it won't come, i know. 

What you know, is really what you believe, and you feel the alignment or discord of it. 

 

You can do these things. There is support. Don’t keep ‘carrying the weight’, start expressing, emptying, letting it go. You’ll by default fill up with the joy, love, clarity and understanding which you very much desire. This is certain. It can be no other way. 

[Forza21]

@Phil
Thank you Phil ❤️

yeah...

you know, thanks to you, i finally realized, that I still pretty much duel in thoughts, concepts and beliefs.

This won't wake me up.

I still find so much comfort in "searching" and getting answers from others,

And this won't wake me up neither.

It's all a distraction from looking inside, from looking within, and searching for truth there.

I avoid fear and difficult emotions that way, but i can't run forever

You are so right. "Person" that fictional character "of my life" is in delusion of knowing the truth. Lol.
From now on, i shall give up all affords to get more knowledge, and focus on meditation,  emotions scale, and dream-board.
I shall start to really pay attention to my inner-guru, and listen to those emotions.
I still can't understand, why i touch that damn stove!!! it burns every-damn-time!! How stubborn the man can be!😅

I write this also as a message to myself, it's like a declaration, to give up harmful addiction/habit.

But it's the only way, to find out what is true myself.
 

It's sooo tempting to fall into this discordant thoughts, like it's soo " sticky" 

it's a weird trick that consciousness plays on itself, i don't understand, why?

 

🙂

Love you Phil, ❤️

Edited July 9, 2022 by Forza21

[Phil]

@Forza21

Love you too. 

Let why go, focus on what will be. 

[Aware Wolf]

@Forza21

 

What you're going through isn't unusual for seekers. So many people have had difficult times during their Path. Some people put a term on it, and call it The Dark Night. Some people think it's a stage that one must go through. 

 

Difficult times can respond to widely varying treatments. Sometimes one needs to ground oneself by doing something physical. Exercise, is good Go for a long walk or hike or run. Garden, do some tai chi. Or maybe play with some puppies or kittens. At other times, it may be necessary to talk to a professional. I think counseling is often under utilized and under emphasized here. 

 

I've written about the Dark Night. I think that writing and journaling can be useful here too.. Here is a section from my work:

 

Summary of Some Helpful Practices for Dark Places

 

Go for a Walk.

 

Talk to someone, perhaps even a professional. 

Consider too, seeing a medical doctor 

and getting a checkup. 

 

Read & Work through the CBT book Feeling Good. 

Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living is a classic. 

 

Physically Exercise

 

Listen to an uplifting Dharma Talk 

(Try Ajahn Brahm).

 

Read an uplifting Dharma book

 (Try Jack Kornfield or Pema Chodron). 

 

Contemplate the Buddha: 

Watch PBS The Buddha & 

Read Old Path, White Clouds.

 

Watch a Dharma movie or documentary. 

For me, watching and listening 

to the Dalai Lama is inspiring.

 

Practice Metta meditation, Tonglen, 

or the RAIN meditation.

 

Listen to chants or your favorite music.

 

Do some Moving Meditation:

Tai Chi, Yoga, or Five Rhythms Dance

 

Play with an animal.

 

Walk a dog. .

 

Garden or Work

 

Do some Art. If you don't do Art, 

why not learn?

(No Skills or Talent? -- Perhaps watch a Bob Ross painting tutorial, 

try a Mandala coloring book, 

or pick up a ukulele)

 

Start a new hobby. 

 

Take a long hot bath. 

 

Put the kettle on and have some tea. 

(Recommended for British peoples)

 

Watch a comedy.

 

Tapping for Trauma

http://www.selfhelpfortrauma.org/

 

Read a calming favorite book 

(if you like fantasy try 

Terry Pratchett's The Amazing Maurice and his Educated Rodents, if you don't, 

try Alexander McCall Smith's Number One Ladies Detective Agency or 

James Herroit’s All Creatures Great and Small). 

 

  *

 

In forty years of medical practice, 

I have found only two types of 

non-pharmaceutical ‘therapy’ 

to be vitally important for patients 

with chronic neurological diseases: 

music and gardens.

-- Oliver Sacks 

 

*

 

Truly, it is in darkness 

that one finds the light, 

so when we are in sorrow, 

then this light is nearest of all to us.

-- Meister Eckhart
 

*

 

In the story of the “Fifty Gates” Rabbi Baruch had a student, who frequently visited his rabbi and teacher to discuss his life, his studies, his doubts and his questions. Even after the student had moved to a different town, he returned to Mezhibuzh at regular intervals.

At one point, the rabbi realized that he had not seen his student for an unusual length of time. Possessing insight, divine inspiration and a keen sense of psychology, Rabbi Baruch sensed something was really wrong. He ordered his servant to harness his wagon, and traveled without delay to his student’s town. Upon arrival, Rabbi Baruch made his way into the house of his student, without so much as even taking the trouble of having his servant announce his presence. The student was home, seated at his desk, surrounded by books and papers, and the sudden appearance of the rabbi startled him!

The rabbi greeted with the words: “I know what is hidden in your heart! You have passed through all the forty-nine gates of reason. You became horribly entangled in your thoughts. You tried logic, reason, all kind of other sciences and philosophies! Every time you came up with a question, you tried to find an answer as best as you could (this made you pass a ‘gate’). After you passed through the first gate, each additional problem brought you to a second gate, which in turn brought you to a third gate, and so on. Soon you noticed that all of your reasoning and analytical skills invoked still other questions, which led you to discover still other answers, which led you to pass through higher and higher levels of gates. And so you continued on this path, till you arrived at the fiftieth gate. This is the gate that leads one straight down into the abyss.

“You have now posed and wrestled with questions for which no living man in this world has ever discovered any satisfactory or truthful understanding. If you proceed and continue trying to do so anyway, you will stumble, fail, and fall ever more deeply. There is no return from this abyss!”

The student was stunned that Rabbi Baruch not only knew what was troubling him, but that he had taken the time, trouble and effort to come in person in order to share his wisdom and show support to his wayward former pupil. The student felt great remorse.

“So, what can I do?” he asked, “Please! Don’t just tell me that in order to repent I have to go back all the way to the first gate!”

“No,” answered the rebbe, “you can’t undo knowledge or experience once you have acquired it, but you can handle it in a different way. When you turn yourself around, you will not be going backwards. You will be standing way beyond the last and fiftieth gate. You will stand in faith!”

 

The rebbe brought the student back to himself and  the community. 

 

   Discovering more joy does not, I'm sorry to say, save us from the inevitability of hardship and heartbreak. In fact, we may cry more easily, but we will laugh more easily, too. Perhaps we are just more alive. Yet as we discover more joy, we can face suffering in a way that ennobles rather than embitters. We have hardship without becoming hard. We have heartbreak without becoming broken.

      -- Archbishop Desmond Tutu 

               The Book of Joy