Heavy thoughts, need to be special and admired

[Blessed2]

Real open + honest expression here guys. It's a lot better to open up and let the light in.

 

I've noticed that I have hard time enjoying my time without thinking I am special or need to be admired.

 

Often when I'm having a walk and listening to music, I kinda "get high" and it's more of an ego trip.

 

It feels good but at the same time it's quite heavy and I'd like to feel more simply, to feel better as who I am. I don't really want or need to be admired, but it seems it's hard to enjoy life without these thoughts and judgements.

 

Often it's something like visualizing myself healing others, giving advice, even messiah- complex type thoughts and ideas.

 

It can get you "high" but it really doesn't feel pure or authentic. And really it's just averting insecurity or frustration. Believing I can't be at peace, enjoy, be fulfilled without admiration + social status.

 

Often I feel like I have nothing to give, nothing to prove I'm enough and worthy. I'm really not good in anyting. I'm not intelligent, not good in music, not good in writing or studying. Not special or remarkable in any way. At some point in my teens I somehow got an idea that being an intelligent philosopher is the way to go. I thought that's how people would notice and admire me. That's how women would think I'm cool and interesting. At some point it shifted to sprituality, being spiritually wise, able to heal, able to show off my greatness. That don't work either.

 

It's quite funny even, the amount of philosophy I thought was important, the books I read, the videos I watched just because I wanted to be admired for my intelligence and philosophical wisdom. Lol. 

 

I'm getting really tired of these thoughts. I'd like to be alright and feel fulfilled and whole as I am. That would be a lot better than thinking I need to prove my worth and be admired.

 

In full honesty, probably 90% of what I thought was "spiritual" has really been just egoistical, narcissistic need to be admired. 😀 I really am just a scared shitless ego-tripping immature little boy (and it feels good to admit that).

 

This emptying feels so much better than those thoughts of admiration. Why have I been holding this in for so long? Why has it been so "hard" to admit the egoic, self-absorbed nonsense?

 

Feeling the light getting in ❤️ honest expression really works.

 

This great artist comes to mind... @sakoasko

 

 

[Phil]

Hallelujah.

The mask of vanity is easier to bear than the truth of your beauty. 

[Blessed2]

Today I got annoyed and irritated. Some known finnish influencer shared that she found god in Ayahuasca retreat, that she noticed it's 'real'. Spiritual insight.

 

The ego and narcissism got fired up, did not like at all that 'someone else found out the same things'. Really wanted to show off that I know it too, that I've known it for a longer time, that I've gone deeper in it, that I know more - that she is only a beginner.

 

Would like to share my own insights, would like to share "advice" - but really that's just ego-tripping. Burning 'need' and frustration. Need to be acknowledged. Need to be 'on top'. Need to show off how long I've been doing this, what I've been through, how far I've come, how much further I am (relative to others).

 

Also, the Ayahuasca thing makes me feel unease. After a bad trip I had, been thinking that maybe I wasn't good or strong enough for psychedelics and the insight they can offer. Pretty much every time anyone mentions psychedelics, I feel uneasy. I feel insecure and unworthy. Kind of like FOMO. Others are doing it, they are getting great insights and having good time, sharing their experiences and winning the 'social game'. But I can't partake because can't take psychedelics anymore, too scared after the bad trip. Others are having the crazy insights and wisdom, and acknowledged for it. But I can't do that. I got nothing to give, nothing to show off, nothing interesting or admirable.