Journal40vol

[MazE]

I have a plan.

[MazE]

Some passion is waking up and i love it.

[MazE]

I fucking loove making songs.

It makes me happy. Happiness is not just walking around with a smile on your face. I could tap into joy. My job is a huge challenge to do that. The only way is to create health. It took me 10 days of no work to feel ok again. I better do some yoga and self massage. I had the option to go to another job but this is the fastest way to get what i want and i know that i will make it no matter how hard it is. I'm excited for the future but i need to stay excited in the present.

 

[MazE]

A deep trauma was scratched unexpectedly today. Oh well. This isn't going anywhere. I did everything but i need to continue living with it, it seems. I don't care anymore. Take a seat bitch ass trauma. Make yourself comfortable. I can only be happy now. Inspire my lyrics. Whatever.

[MazE]

Ahh the irony... Those synchronicities man...

Make me wonder sometimes. Why do they happen. It's not just random, i figured out so much.

[Phil]

Two cents 🙂

On 5/17/2022 at 7:25 PM, MazE said:

The only way is to create health. It took me 10 days of no work to feel ok again

If health is the default, fundamental, the true nature… then you don’t have to create it… but rather, you’re in the position to just allow it. 
 

Same for allowing the job that you do want. Manifesting the job you want would happen in accordance with appreciation of the job you have. In the sense, appreciation is the absence of the discord. The absence of discord is the allowance of the job you want. It might not be health, but alignment with that which be’s jobs. 

 

[MazE]

@Phil this job came up exactly when needed. Exactly what i wanted delivered exactly when i needed it and i took some risks before because i was sure i would get it. I do appreciate this job in the sense that it builds character by being so hard and that it's the last time that i will experience something similar. It's also the only way to go where i want to go. One more year of this or 2. It's really difficult to allow things while doing this job. That's the challenge. I often work to my limits. 

[MazE]

This weird guy on the mirror can spit some 🔥

It is what it is. I can't take the credit. It needs to find expression.

[Phil]

It’s sort of a feel good, aligned and healthy, or be right scenario. 

I’ve no skin in the game though. 

🙏

 

Not being right doesn’t mean being wrong, it’s just dispelling a belief / living life without suffering and limits. 

[MazE]

@Phil ok i get it. I don't want to choose being right over feeling good, aligned and healthy.  

What i am saying is a fact but i am not saying it to be right. If this is unaligned i want to change it. 

What is the best way to do it? Should i start believing that my job is easy?

[MazE]

I guess the answer is to stop focusing on it and mentioning it and focus on better thoughts instead. I do this habitually. It's time to focus on what i want habitually.

[Phil]

@MazE

Yeah, I agree with that. I think the ten days off from the reactivating of the discord of some beliefs / perspectives around the subject allows the momentum of the discord to settle. When the subject comes back up, the discordant view / perspective will still be there, and the suffering of it will be felt. But it won’t be as projected. It’ll be less ‘ how I feel is because of x (the job, etc)’, and more ‘how I feel has more to do with the relationship between me and me’ so to speak. With that space around the subject, that the discord is in the perspective will be more readily seen, and what’s behind that can be more seen, and most importantly, love & appreciation and clarity will naturally go where discord was / is. Perspectives which seem or seemed so true, so factual, so obviously accurate really, will be seen to have been more defensive or protective, than aligned, inspiring, loving. 

[MazE]

I have every right to complain today but some space around the subject was created.

[MazE]

I remembered. I read just a bit E.T.'s new book and the process was started. How could i forget? 11 years of unnecessary suffering. The circumstances were like that.

I paused it but i don't think that i can stop it.

I feel inspired. I have goals to accomplish. It all starts now. If you ignore the now you ignore your whole life. I have experience dealing with hard stuff. These periods will come. I will be ready to respond to the best of my ability when the now comes. There is nothing to fear. All my attachment generate fear. I will lose everything i love eventually. One day i will die as this body. Maybe i'm creating this dream. I think it's time to go lucid and have fun. 

[MazE]

Everyone lives in a bubble. 

Should i poke my bubble with a needle? 

Then i will fall. Flat on my face or fly like a fly. 

Nobody really understands. Unfair? Sure. Is there unfairer? Plenty of it. I don't want to complain. If i do it it's because i'm used to it. Life is beautiful. Universes inside of universes. But i live in this bubble. To reach a goal i need to be patient and suffer a little more. Why do i need to suffer? I prefer to be happy without a reason. There is always a reason if you search for things to be grateful for. I will muscle through it. Happy face it is. The detail is to not have a fake happy face. 

My millennial generation was born fucked. So what. I will make it by being a clever ape.

Everyone around me will remain depressed. How the fuck do they accept this kind of life.

Not for me thank you.

[MazE]

I have some big spiders in the garden.

I used to kill them if they came too close. Because they are creepy looking i guess.

I saw a spider that lives under a window 2 days ago. I am observing it. It's beautiful.. yesterday a mosquito was caught in the web. I never saw it in real time. It was stupid to kill those spiders. It's spirit in the form of a spider. It's alive. Who made this? 

Building webs and stuff. It's fucking interesting. Every morning i go and look at it. She comes out to say hi lol. 

I was watching a beetle some time ago. It was beautiful. After 5 seconds a bird comes by and eat it. Nature is brutal. 

Factory farms make me sick. I did gave up meat but i am healthier eating meat i found out. I also enjoy eating my junk food. I am like the bird that ate the beetle but the difference is that well we live in a sick world. Who knows where my salami comes from. It would be more honest to look that animal in the eyes and kill it to eat it. But we are the smartest animals and we satisfy our needs at any cost. I won't be a vegan again but at least i know what a piece of shit i am. Not exactly any guilt in there.  I will eat my pizza because i love eating pizza. The vegans worthy of respect are those that shut up about it. 

They started growing meat in a lab. I'm not eating this stuff. Maybe after 20 years.

 

[MazE]

My spider is gone. 

I feel tough. I wouldn't want it any other way. When i catch myself complaining i laugh. This life was a training so far. I can move my emotional pecs.

[MazE]

Taxes, governments, family and financial situations try their best to keep me down. I've had enough of this. I am a good problem solver if i want to. I will get a piece of paper and find out what i need to do to get what i want. Brute force attack.