Kevin Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 I’ve basically been really angry at my mom lately. I don’t even want to talk to her at all. I’ve been processing it and I realize I experienced abuse as a child. But growing up I always downplayed it and I gaslit myself into believing it wasn’t a big deal and I was crazy. I also abandoned myself emotionally speaking because pretty early on I became super attached to others opinions of me. This shit me off from feeling anger and rage. And this lead to a ton of behaviors from me where I abandoned myself in order to try and be liked. This has been super apparent in my relationships with girls especially but also friendships. Also around freshman year of high school the conflict with my mom reached a critical point where I realized I hated my mom and I didn’t want anything to do with her. So I cut her off. Soon after that I get sent away to boarding school and while there I started talking with her on the phone because that’s what you’re supposed to do. I never got over the anger and rage and resentment but I thought it was silly so I needed to forget about it. I never processed it and I always felt incredibly uncomfortable being around my mom after that. But I would force myself to talk with her and see her. Also I went on a meditation retreat last weekend and I really saw a lot of the people pleasing behaviors and why they were happening and that has just increased the feelings of anger and rage. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 Sorry to hear. Glad you’re allowing it to process.♥️ How did it make you feel? How do you feel about it now? Quote Mention YouTube Website Sessions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 31 minutes ago, Phil said: Sorry to hear. Glad you’re allowing it to process.♥️ How did it make you feel? How do you feel about it now? At the time that all this stuff happened when I was a kid I felt incredibly angry and full of rage. And I felt like I wasn’t respected. I felt like I was completely disregarded and not taken seriously. I felt so angry about it. Now I guess I’m feeling all that rage and anger. I used to just shove it down because I was worried it would never go away but I think that’s actually why it never went away. my mom tried calling me like an hour ago but I didn’t pick up. I don’t really want to talk with her. Idk I’m definitely not sure about anything but honoring how I’m feeling isn’t something I’ve done before in this situation. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 @Kevin Does it feel intuitive to do so, even if it is challenging? Is there a sense this is what’s wanted in a bigger picture, maybe even all along? Quote Mention YouTube Website Sessions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 1 minute ago, Phil said: @Kevin Does it feel intuitive to do so, even if it is challenging? Is there a sense this is what’s wanted in a bigger picture, maybe even all along? Are you asking if it feels intuitive to allow the anger? I’d say yes. And I think it is what I wanted all along. On the retreat I discovered that I valued other people’s opinions of me more than my own. Seeing how I was giving away my power like that has allowed the anger and rage to come out. I think I had been giving away my power like that for so long that I didn’t even realize it anymore. It just seemed normal. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 @Kevin Yes that’s what I was asking. Like you said, honoring how you’re feeling. Perfect words really. Do you feel comfortable now, allowing whatever’s felt to be welcomed, without resistance? Quote Mention YouTube Website Sessions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 3 minutes ago, Phil said: @Kevin Yes that’s what I was asking. Like you said, honoring how you’re feeling. Perfect words really. Do you feel comfortable now, allowing whatever’s felt to be welcomed, without resistance? For the most part. I definitely think the rage and anger really opened up. I will say I’m totally frazzled and I don’t feel super functional at the moment but I’m just riding it out at the moment. I definitely experience doubt at times. Sometimes I don’t know if I’m on the right path. But I don’t know how else to do this. The one thing I haven’t done before is stop and feel so that’s what’s happening now. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Isagi Yoichi Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 3 hours ago, Kevin said: Also I went on a meditation retreat last weekend and I really saw a lot of the people pleasing behaviors and why they were happening and that has just increased the feelings of anger and rage. LMAO Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 "The smoke of the love and pain of his burning heart entered his Lord and turned into compassion." - Rumi Quote Mention Youtube Channel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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