Enlightenment journal.

[Kevin]

I’ve noticed that I am constantly putting the cart before the horse in terms of

emotions. For example pessimism is experienced a lot lately and then I believe the solution is getting a girlfriend which will prove pessimism wrong and then I can be optimistic. Now it seems like the better solution is to feel the pessimism and let it go and then from a place of optimism, what I want can be more easily. Another thought I noticed lately is girls are way more attracted to guys with girlfriends. So I need to get a girlfriend to be attractive. That is also putting the cart before the horse.

 

I’ve been experiencing a lot of anger lately. Then there are thoughts about doing something about it. All the things I want to do are negative. Maybe I need to feel the anger and it will eventually dissipate and I don’t have to get revenge on make people feel bad.

 

A few weeks ago I posted about how I don’t have a lot of energy. Well that has changed in one aspect. I’m back to working out like crazy and doing lots of Jiu Jitsu. I’m fired up about wrestling and martial arts again. I want to compete again. I even want to try out MMA. Hopefully my motivation to make music comes back because I haven’t really been doing that.

[Kevin]

I’m so confused and lost lately. Oddly though this feels necessary. I feel as though I’m finally done running. I’ve been spending most of my time alone in my apartment. It’s so strange because I’ve always been in go go go mode and my biggest fear was being alone and being a lazy failure and being worthless. This period of solitude I’ve stopped all that. I’ve spent a bunch of time playing video games and taking edibles. I’ve pretty much been alone and according to the old paradigm I would be a lazy worthless person.

 

It feels like I’m falling apart generally am feeling stress and tension but so many of these old patterns are dying away. It’s actually insane. Rage at my mom is what triggered this period of solitude. I realize I’ve been suppressing myself my whole life in order to not rock the boat. My anger was so suppressed that I thought I just didn’t get angry.

 

I'm moving out of my apartment and I went in to the office to check on some things. Long story short, I thought they were screwing me over with one of their policies and I got really angry. I wasn’t disrespectful but I basically told them that this is horrible customer service and I expressed my anger. I found out later that I was totally in the wrong but still it feels good to get angry in a way. It almost seems like if your anger is so suppressed then you cannot have self respect.

 

Honestly though I am still experiencing very heightened emotions. I feel incredibly sensitive to so much stuff. It feels like the emotional sensitivity dial is turned all the way up. I’m not out of the woods yet but I feel so much more clear and energetically it feels like my body is opening up slowly so I’m hopeful.

[Kevin]

I went to Jiu Jitsu today. I’m out of shape. Emotionally speaking though I noticed that currently I’m assuming the worst out of everyone. I know it’s irrational but I have to force myself to be friendly and smile and say hi. Once I smile and say hi I’m greeted with warmth. But there is a constant stream of thoughts currently about how other people aren’t nice and other people are going to do me harm in some way. I’m also seeing the emptiness of things a little bit in the sense that I can see that all this pain I’m feeling and the distrust of other people is just projection. I don’t actually know.

 

 I don’t know how to stop and I’m frustrated because I think I need to stop but it seems like there’s no way to stop.

[Kevin]

I believe why I resent my mother is because people I barely know can listen and understand me better than my own mother can.  I would think and hope that one’s mother would be able to hear and understand their child but my mother seems incapable thus far. That’s what’s so painful is that I expect that she, if anyone, would be able to understand where I’m coming from. However I’d have more look being understand by just talking to strangers. And that’s painful.

[Phil]

Are there two of you? As in you understand yourself?

If not, maybe there’s a lil horseshit at play. 

It’s like sitting on a perfect beach, in the perfect sand, in the perfect temperature, gazing at a perfect sun set, faulting it for not understanding ‘the me’, which you yourself, don’t. 

 

The ‘horseshit’ is - then I’d be happier, more satisfied, more whole. 

 

Just love. 

Now.

Drop the mind games brother. (*sorry, keep letting it go.)

It’s not you, it doesn’t resonate. 

Focus creates. 

You weren’t even born. 

[Kevin]

16 hours ago, Phil said:

Are there two of you? As in you understand yourself?

If not, maybe there’s a lil horseshit at play. 

It’s like sitting on a perfect beach, in the perfect sand, in the perfect temperature, gazing at a perfect sun set, faulting it for not understanding ‘the me’, which you yourself, don’t. 

 

Reading this my first reaction is to get angry. You don’t get it I was treated very poorly by the one person who is not supposed to do that. And she shows a complete inability to comprehend this. It’s not about understanding me. It’s about when your child tells you something is seriously wrong you don’t just dismiss them.

 

I believe you don’t care about the details though. Not in a bad way but the message is that it doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter how right I am you’ll still tell me to let it go. Which makes sense in a way.

16 hours ago, Phil said:

The ‘horseshit’ is - then I’d be happier, more satisfied, more whole. 

 

This really lands though. I only want things to be right because I believe that’s what I need to be happy. It’s Mental slavery. But idk how to let it go.

16 hours ago, Phil said:

Just love. 

Now.

Drop the mind games brother. (*sorry, keep letting it go.)

It’s not you, it doesn’t resonate. 

Focus creates. 

You weren’t even born. 

If I wasn’t even born this shouldn’t be so hard.

[Kevin]

I meditated for  an hour and a half this morning then I went to the farmers market near my apartment. I experienced massive social anxiety. Same feeling of emotional anxiety I often feel around lots of people when I’m by myself but it was particularly pronounced today. I notice I feel more sensitive after long meditation periods.

[Phil]

On 11/20/2024 at 12:45 AM, Kevin said:

If I wasn’t even born this shouldn’t be so hard.

You weren’t, and therefore there is no separation, no ‘this’ which is hard. Social anxiety & emotional anxiety are mind games which appear. No effort involved whatsoever. It resonates, that it doesn’t resonate. Imagine feeding into the belief in separation (“anxiety”) for the next 20 years, inflating the idea of yourself, the ego, such that an experience of superiority and isolation is created. It resonates, that it doesn’t resonate. 

[Kevin]

1 hour ago, Phil said:

You weren’t, and therefore there is no separation, no ‘this’ which is hard. Social anxiety & emotional anxiety are mind games which appear. No effort involved whatsoever. It resonates, that it doesn’t resonate. Imagine feeding into the belief in separation (“anxiety”) for the next 20 years, inflating the idea of yourself, the ego, such that an experience of superiority and isolation is created. It resonates, that it doesn’t resonate. 

Yeah it doesn’t resonate. Right now idk how to be different or change.

[Phil]

@Kevin

It’s a thought loop.

The thoughts revolve around two selves there just isn’t. The one which could or would be right or wrong, which could be different or change… and the one which has or doesn’t have an ability to comprehend or understand. There is only your immediate inseparable direct experience, which you are being, and the true nature of your appearing - which none of this right & wrong, does or doesn’t understand etc is actually happening in. These thoughts are appearing of the lens, about the world, and don’t actually define or apply to, the world.

 

The appearing content (thoughts) just don’t jive with the reality, the true nature, what the whole show is made of. Being right, her not understanding, doesn’t jive because it’s not indicative of you. 

 

Imagine watching a movie in which this is all going on. Watching, aware of the movie - you’re obviously not in the movie. You’re watching the movie. What goes on in the movie doesn’t actually affect you in any way. You are watching the movie because you love watching movies. There is no self ‘in’ a movie which could be different or change, or know anything, about anyone. This is not ‘fixed’ by any doing on behalf of anyone in a movie - only resolved naturally by the true nature of that which is aware of, and being, the movie. 

[Kevin]

I’m so frustrated. I tried downloading bumble to try to meet a girl and it’s been about 3 days and I’ve swiped on a ton of girls and I only have one match and it’s a girl in a wheelchair. This dating app shit makes zero sense. I’m not fucking ugly. And I’m not looking for a runway model. My standards are not crazy at all.

 

and previously when I had bumble the last person that swiped right on me was a trans person. Like not even obese girls are swiping right on me. This shit is so frustrating.

[WhiteOwl]

@KevinIts shows you one thing very clearly. Its all about vibration/attraction. There is no world going on with tons of girls deciding not to swipe you, but how you feel doesn't attract the experience you are looking for. Look into that instead. You can change this way easier than you think. Its about feeling better. Feel like what you want to attract. I'm in the same boat, happy to read what you write its clarifying 💚

[Orb]

3 hours ago, Kevin said:

I’m so frustrated. I tried downloading bumble to try to meet a girl and it’s been about 3 days and I’ve swiped on a ton of girls and I only have one match and it’s a girl in a wheelchair. This dating app shit makes zero sense. I’m not fucking ugly. And I’m not looking for a runway model. My standards are not crazy at all.

 

and previously when I had bumble the last person that swiped right on me was a trans person. Like not even obese girls are swiping right on me. This shit is so frustrating.

😂😂😂 ive gone through the same thing.

[Blessed2]

10 hours ago, Kevin said:

This dating app shit makes zero sense. I’m not fucking ugly.

 

Maybe it's not about how you look?

 

 

 

How would you feel like being in a relationship where you could be suddenly dumped if you got into an accident and had to sit in a wheelchair for the rest of your life?

 

Would that even be a real relationship?

 

[Kevin]

11 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

Maybe it's not about how you look?

 

 

 

How would you feel like being in a relationship where you could be suddenly dumped if you got into an accident and had to sit in a wheelchair for the rest of your life?

 

Would that even be a real relationship?

 

Idk why you’re commenting that. My post was about my frustration that the very rare matches I get are the occasional obese woman, a trans person and a woman in a wheelchair. How about you go date a woman in a wheelchair since you’re so ok with it.

[Blessed2]

5 hours ago, Kevin said:

Idk why you’re commenting that. My post was about my frustration that the very rare matches I get are the occasional obese woman, a trans person and a woman in a wheelchair. How about you go date a woman in a wheelchair since you’re so ok with it.

 

Well it seems to me like judging women and then being frustrated that women don't want to date you.

 

[Kevin]

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

 

Well it seems to me like judging women and then being frustrated that women don't want to date you.

 

Dude you’re so fake spiritual. Having preferences for who you want to date is fine and normal. You obviously have preferences for who you want to date as well. Or maybe you don’t. Maybe you sleep with 400 pound women just to prove to yourself how awake you are.

[Phil]

Got those close parking spaces though. Disneyland - front of the lines bitches. I’m just sayin there’s always silver lining. 

[Blessed2]

13 hours ago, Kevin said:

Dude you’re so fake spiritual. Having preferences for who you want to date is fine and normal. You obviously have preferences for who you want to date as well. Or maybe you don’t. Maybe you sleep with 400 pound women just to prove to yourself how awake you are.

 

That's a total misunderstanding of what I'm saying. 😂

 

Just don't be a shitty and judgemental guy. That's all I'm saying. Cause shitty and judgemental is what you write here sounds like.

 

Edited November 30, 2024 by Blessed2

[Phil]

Just imagine how long she’d last if you were lost out in the woods though. 400 lbs give her what, two or three months maybe? I mean, that’s huge. Could be the difference between you surviving or not. So maybe you just chill and conserve whatever backup fat gas you got to burn, 5, 20 lbs Idk, and she’s like honey I got this just relax and appreciate you didn’t pick some 3 day skinny chick, and just kills it getting it all set up. Tree hut, clay fireplace, meat smoker, king size leaf bed, you know the drill. Or just use the compass in the first place but again, silver lining.