Having individual or joint bank accounts while married?

[Mandy]

 I read a marriage book a few years ago that was law of attraction based and the author suggested that you should always have joint accounts, no matter what you make. I see the reasoning behind it, but always felt like I had to have my own money. When I examine my reasons for this are mostly fear based. I wanted to feel like I deserved and worked for what I bought. I'm starting to wonder if this is actually feeling undeserving disguised as deservedness. I always worried that my motivation to make money would go away if I can't monitor my own account, but I now see this need for motivation as lack based too. I'm not suggesting that there is a "right" answer for every couple, but am just wondering what other's thoughts and experiences with this are. 

[Faith]

@Mandy

We have our own accounts. We split certain bills and costs. Also, most the money dumped to the savings account comes my account.

 

We have never had a joint account and at first I thought I wanted one, but then I was glad to just keep track of my own stuff and yes, its easier to see if I have money to spend. Lol.

 

We are both on all the accounts though, just he's primary on his and I'm secondary and vice versa. With the world of technology all accounts are easily accessible to each of us, if needed. 

 

Been doing it like this for 31 years. No sense in messing with it now. 😂

 

[Mandy]

@Faith Yes, thanks, that's how it's been for us too, (13 years married) and it seems like it matters very little, as you said if everyone can access everything. But recently we're getting very confused about who should pay certain non-recurring bills. And we have our own concept of "our money" which isn't actually "our money". 😂

[Faith]

50 minutes ago, Mandy said:

But recently we're getting very confused about who should pay certain non-recurring bills. And we have our own concept of "our money" which isn't actually "our money". 😂

 

Well, hm, I am not as good at remembering to pay bills 😂 and balancing a check book (i dont do it). So, I pay a few bills that still come through the mail, my car payment, all groceries, pay for entertainment and add to the savings account. When he feels I'm not pulling my weight we add a bill to what I pay, but sometimes that means me giving him the money each month vs me actually paying the payment. Just depends. 

 

 

 

[Whimsical]

I’m not married but I live with my boyfriend.  It gets annoying having to decide who pays what and trying to make things equal. Sometimes I think it would be easier if we had an extra account for sharing money. Like a joint account for food and bills then also my own account for my own savings and buying what I want etc.

I think it’s important to always have your own savings though for the future as you never know what might happen.  

 

[Faith]

 

Me and my husband lived together for 3 years before we got married and we bought a house together early in our relationship too. Back then, we basically wrote out all our community bills, then our own personal bills. His car payment was 2 x's what mine was and I wasn't going to suffer for his choice to drive an expensive car (which made his insurance more, etc), so we split community bills keeping in mind who made more money and then paid our own bills. 

 

Now that we are married we do it a little different, but it works for us.

[Phil]

@Mandy

Curious… what was the author’s reasoning behind joint accounts? 

[Mandy]

@Whimsical Yes, I definitely wouldn't suggest in unless you're legally married. A joint count for living expenses might be smart though. 

 

@Phil She basically says that separate accounts are a layer of separation and a missed opportunity for intimacy in a marriage.

 

The book is The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle. I read it a few years ago as a favor for a good friend who was going through some major problems in her marriage. I was thinking it was ultra conservative dogma, and I wouldn't get anything from it but my friend really wanted me to read it so I did. The day I bought it I told my husband I was reading it and super skeptical of it and he said "oh that's so strange, I JUST heard about it on the radio". I was wrong that I didn't need it. I started following her suggestions and that's what lead to discovering Abraham Hicks and way more revelations. The money part is in the last part of the book and not a step she suggests starting out, but she also suggests turning over the management piece. The book is controversial, on the surface it totally goes against the "modern empowered woman" assumptions of how you should live but in practice I was essentially trying to control everything in my marriage wasn't happy and assumed it was all because of him. For me there was a lot of need to pull my own weight to feel worthy of anything and after having kids this lead to a lot of overwhelm, frustration and more trying to control stuff. Or the kids just made it ultra apparent that it wasn't working. 

 

We did end up combining our accounts and we both feel good about it. 

 

[Phil]

23 minutes ago, Mandy said:

She basically says that separate accounts are a layer of separation and a missed opportunity for intimacy in a marriage.

Oh oh oh!!!  😮 🙂

That really clicked. Makes much sense. 

Now that makes me wonder if getting back to friends / socializing was mentioned. 

[Mandy]

11 minutes ago, Phil said:

 

Now that makes me wonder if getting back to friends / socializing was mentioned. 

How do you mean?

[Phil]

@Mandy

It seems like a common theme or occurrence for mums… having kids… time spent with friends slips through the cracks… worthiness / control arises… doesn’t seem related to friends & social aspect… time is again spent with friends… worthiness / control ‘issue’ disappears. 

[Mandy]

@Phil Oh ok, I thought you meant as friends with your spouse. Yes for sure. She does, most of the book is putting much more focus on doing stuff that makes you happy and feel good, taking care of your own mood first, and then seeing how it reflects in how you treat your partner. One of the reasons my friend wanted me to read it so much is that the author wants you to be on the same page as your friends, for example, what a waste to get together with friends and possibly spend that time criticizing your spouse.  Also maybe a smart marketing tactic, but hey I'm appreciative of it. 🙂 

[Phil]

@Mandy

Makes sense. Just wondered really. Thanks!

[Mandy]

@Phil 👍

[Mandy]

On 4/16/2022 at 10:15 AM, Faith said:

 

Me and my husband lived together for 3 years before we got married and we bought a house together early in our relationship too. Back then, we basically wrote out all our community bills, then our own personal bills. His car payment was 2 x's what mine was and I wasn't going to suffer for his choice to drive an expensive car (which made his insurance more, etc), so we split community bills keeping in mind who made more money and then paid our own bills. 

 

Now that we are married we do it a little different, but it works for us.

For us it has gotten very confusing. He works everyday, gets a steady paycheck. I make money very sporadically, and only get to work if the kids are well and school is in session, etc. Started feeling guilty when I had to charge the groceries on his card, but it was so much stress to try to keep my income steady, especially during the remote learning fiascos.

[Faith]

@Mandy Hey, whatever works! It just so happens that no matter the fluctuations in pay/money to accounts we would just readjust and make it work. It's weird but in all these years we never did the joint account thing, even through times when I was broke, but I would take money from other accounts, if needed. Yeah, it's weird. Lol