Journal

[Kevin]

I’m going on a date tonight. Me and this girl planned it like a week ago so I’ve been pretty stoked about it. I’ve been excited because I think this girl is gonna be cool and I think I like her based on her pics and our text conversations.

 

so I was definitely more excited about this date than any of the other recent dates. But now the day is here. I’m going out with her later today but now I’m super nervous and I’m not feeling like my normal outgoing self. I’m worried because I’m focusing on what could go wrong. I’m focusing on thoughts like what if she doesn’t like me? What if I screw it up. What if it’s not fun. Etc. 

 

now I’m frustrated because I want to feel excited about it. I guess the solution is instead of focusing on what can go wrong I should focus on what can go right.

[Kevin]

Well I went on a few dates with her. First date was good. Second date I felt like I had to put a lot of energy into holding a conversation with her. It felt like a drag and I felt like she wasn’t matching my energy. This was frustrating because I’m attracted to her but I’m feeling resentful because I think I'm putting a lot of effort in and it doesn’t seem like she’s meeting me there.

 

I’m also frustrated because we haven’t had sex yet and I’m only in town for a few more days and she said she can’t hang out the last two days I’m in town. 
 

for some context we both made it clear we are looking for something more serious. But I’m feeling frustrated because I think I’ve put a lot of effort into hanging out, putting effort into starting conversations and planning and paying for dates. And not getting a lot of enthusiasm back in terms of conversational effort or affection. Also us not having sex, it’s so little to go on.

 

and I’m frustrated because I’m attracted to her but it just seems like she has some intimacy problems.

 

Also I’m feeling a little guilty because part of me thinks I’m being entitled and I’m asking for too much. But also much more of me thinks I’m being reasonable. I think it’s ok for me to expect effort and affection and if I’m not getting that then I should move on.

[Kevin]

So I thought I experienced what people refer to stream entry. A few days ago I was experiencing a lot of suffering. The suffering became very intense. Then the suffering was felt fully. And it seemed like there was an experiential shift.

 

A lot of life it seemed I am struggling against a current. Things would happen and I would attach meaning and thinking I need to fix things. Sort of like picking up baggage. The shift that happened felt like instead of constantly swimming upstream it felt like I turned around and started floating downstream.

 

All the usual patterns and stuff remained but everything became so much easier to deal with. Emotions were more intense but also easier to deal with because emotions are felt now and not over a span of time. So thoughts like “what if I feel like this forever” started to lose meaning.

 

So over the past couple days it seemed like there was a lot of barfing emotional material. But also it seemed manageable. But last night I couldn’t sleep and today I’ve just felt very uncomfortable in my body. I’m not sure what emotion is being experienced. But I’m experiencing lots of tension in my face and jaw.

 

The ease of the last couple days doesn’t seem to be here as much today.

[Kevin]

Emotions have been very intense today. Lots of anger and hatred. Maybe this is what it is like when emotional processing speeds up. I did want this to speed up so hopefully that is what’s happening.

 

I used to rarely feel anger and rage. I think it was suppressed because I believed it was j helpful and counterproductive. So right now it’s overwhelming. But it’s probably what needs to be felt.

[Kevin]

So constantly I feel tension/unhappiness. As long as I can remember I’ve felt this and how I always coped with it was by trying to fix perceived problems and self improvement type stuff.

 

now it seems like all the focus on problems and self improvement was not only unhelpful at time but also it was often counterproductive. For example I can look back and see how fear around thoughts about girls not liking me would lead to that exact outcome. Me trying to fix that issue was just perpetuating it and spinning my wheels.

 

So now I’m trying to proceed and forgot about so called problems and just try and enjoy life. At times I enjoy and things feel like they are improving but often I experience discontent. I want to have more friendships and I want a girlfriend.

 

However I still experience social anxiety. I’m using that term loosely. I don’t have social anxiety but I’m using the term to point to a collection of habitual thoughts around wanting to connect with others but experiencing fear when I focus on thoughts about how others don’t want to connect with me.

 

I want to meditate because I think that will help. But I’m experiencing my behavior as much more compulsive. No drug use but I’m compulsively drinking coffee earlier in the day and I find myself compulsively scrolling on instagram. So yeah basically it seems like I don’t have any agency. But since I’ve always been a fixer as a strategy to feel better it feels weird because I’m supposed to fix things so I feel better but I can’t cuz I don’t have agency. So then I feel worried. But then it’s clear that’s all me spinning my wheels. It seems like there needs to be a big shift otherwise the same old same old is gonna keep happening.

 

I’m going on a meditation retreat in the middle of may so hopefully that shakes things up.