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My body is tired. My eyes are tired. My mind is tired. Weary and tired.


Yet i feel taken care of. Underneath i can feel the soft hum of spirit flowing through.


I would like to feel spirit more strongly in my life. Every day. I want to let spirit guide me, let spirit make all of the decisions. Step out of the way. Just follow. Just flow, allow.


I was about to write something but i lost it. The words left me. But i kept clinging onto them. Until i realized i don't have to. Right now stepping out of the way means letting go of those words, of that thought that slipped through my fingers. And when i step out of the way, new words come. The flow keeps swirling. The truth comes to me regardless. Because spirit is ALWAYS flowing.


I still feel tired but i also feel abundant. 

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I can't focus. Flooded with thoughts of doubt. My brain wants to act fast, say things out of a hurt place. It doesn't feel good.


I won't say anything when in that space. Or in any state but peace. I will know the truth in a loving feeling, peaceful state of mind. I don't have to let a bad mood take control and make big decisions. 


I have questions but no answers will be found in this state of mind. Do some yoga. Sleep on it. Let peace come to you. And answers will come.


So simple. I can feel some of it already whispering. Some clarity. A pleasant feeling. Love that has been strong this week.


I trust. Surrender. Completely. 

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I'm so tired of being afraid. I have had so much fear in my life. I have been afraid of countless of  things.


I have rules in my head that don't make sense. I am afraid of things that are laughable. I have been afraid for so long. 


I am tired of it. So so tired.


By trying to feel safe I have just ended up being more afraid. 


I have had more panic attacks than I can count. First panic attack I had around maybe seven years old. Feels like I have always been afraid. I know it's not true.


I have had existential terror since I was a child. These fears have caused depersonalization. I first experienced depersonalization around nine years old. I didn't have the language to explain what I was experiencing, I thought it was something that had only ever happened to me, that I was always a thought away from falling into a void of terrifying nothingness. That something was horribly wrong with me. 


I used to be afraid of eating in a restaurant, of taking a shower, of going to bed. I tried to drown out the existential thoughts by filling my head by scrolling or doing anything really.


I have been severely agoraphobic. Terrified of just walking out the door. Still am somewhat. And because of that, everything feels like a bit of a battle. A normal work day feels like a battle field, always one thought away from a panic attack. Will I make it home or will I disintegrate on the way?


I am so tired of carrying all of this for years. I don't want to anymore. I just want to rest. I want to rest in the now. I want god to carry me. I can't do it myself.  

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Have been practicing making space for fear. Sometimes it's very hard. Sometimes I say to the thought or feeling "you are allowed to be here" and welcome it, and then the feeling dissolves as a part of the present moment. It's quite remarkable. Especially since I have been running away from those thoughts and feelings most of my life. 


I have tried to "accept" panic before. But I only tried to accept it so that it would go away. Which is not truly accepting it. Now I have been saying "you can stay as long as you'd like". And awareness has enveloped the feeling in a warm embrace. It's really quite magical.


I feel relieved. I feel like this is the key to stop fighting all the time. The battle has been exhausting. I have heard "just step off the battle field" so many times, but I was always desperately screaming HOW???   How do I do that????? I don't understand????


But it's so simple. The truth is always simple. 

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Meditation is really about connecting to god. It's holy. My goal is not to get rid of thoughts or empty the mind. I'm meditating to connect with god. I can't fail at meditating. It's not something to achieve. I'm just surrendering to god.

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Last night i experienced some kind of dreams while meditating. Even though i was awake i had short snapshot dreams. They were short flashes of people and families from around the world. They felt like things that could have been happening at that exact moment. Very strange and my first time experiencing something like that.

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Everything feels unclear and foggy. I'm having a hard time recognizing what i want and what i should do.


I want to write but i hate the capitalist competitive publishing scene. I've had small glimpses into that world and it makes me want to puke. How it's important that you have a lot of followers instead of actually being a good writer. How it's about making yourself known and meeting the right people. IT'S SO GROSS. THAT'S NOT WHAT ART IS ABOUT. 


I want to do theatre but i hate how elitist the schools are. I hate how the theatre world is similarly corrupt and fucked up as the publishing world. I hate how some actors just care about getting famous. Theatre should not be elitist?? It should be about sharing and connecting and the joy of humanity.


I have a well paying job but it's not where i belong. I don't want to spend my days getting all caught up and having my brain buzzing with work things. I am so tired every day after work i have no energy to do anything else. I want to surround myself with art!!!! I want to spend my days writing!! I want to do theatre together with people who also love art!!! I feel alienated around the people at work who feel they are doing their dream job. Who want to make money to buy nice clothes and a nice house for their family. There isn't anything wrong with that but my soul is screaming THERE IS MORE. THERE IS MORE TO LIFE. 

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Truly so exciting how each day as i meditate, i get closer to god. How i'm going deeper and deeper into a well of love, falling into a feeling of peace. How it just keeps on growing. How i just trust more and more. See new things. Gain new insights. And it just keeps on evolving!! Just surrendering. What the fuck. 

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