Discovering thoughts

[MazE]

So I've logged in here again. 

It's a place that feels safe and supportive. 

I live in a constant grind.

Only a few people would survive the kind of jobs that i go to night in night out.

At least i get a good paycheck. 

I try to fit everything in my schedule even if it seems impossible.

I've evolved as a character. 

I'm more mature. 

I have lived situations that most haven't.

Doing my best to reach goals and form good habits. 

I'm lonely but it is what it is. 

I'm proud of how strong and stable emotionally i've become.

I understand that i'm a slave. 

Most are. You can disagree and that's fine. 

I don't care about anger or sadness or loneliness. 

The only thing i care about is following my daily schedule and doing my habits. 

To make things better for me and for the people i care. 

I will never give an advice again to someone that doesn't want to hear my advice.

I used to like to think myself as spiritual as i was healing. Nope. I don't care. 

I've had some experiences. Who cares. 

I care about my goals and habits and making things better for me and the people i care about. 

Certainly i have more anger hidden somewhere. In fact maybe it's unlimited.

The unfairness. The bad luck.

Shut up dude. I don't care. 

I have it so much better than most. 

I've earned that.

I've earned my healing. 

I also earned my "maturity". 

I earned my paycheck. 

I earned my loneliness. 

I'm earning the future right now.

Good or bad it's all me. 

I took responsibility for everything. 

It's my fault.

It was my win.

Not complaining anymore. 

Ok maybe sometimes.

The only question is what do i really want?

What kind of life do i want? 

It's not even hard to make it happen then.

At the very least i will know exactly the path to walk on. 

It's my new superpower. 

No one needs to understand. 

 

 

[MazE]

My thoughts are just noise sometimes.

Just trying to survive.

Working so hard to wake up in a plastic world that i don't like.

I do have things to be grateful for.

Also things that i lack but trying to get.

Being selfish gets things done.

It's hard to take responsibility for things that i don't truly believe were my fault.

There are outside forces that controlled and are still controlling my life in one way or another.

This is exactly why i want to get rich.

For the freedom.

They make the rules and i have no other option but to follow them.

I've lost so many years just to become a robot.

The truth is that i didn't have any other option.

Others had more fun. Others had an easier life. Others are happier. Others this others that.

Why do i habitually compare myself to others?

I know that all of this is bs.

But not unecessary. 

There needs to be a balance in  everything.

And so the years pass by. 

Not knowing where to go and where i belong. Obstacles everywhere. People that can't take care of themselves. Brain dead laws and bureaucracy that i don't even want to think about.

Idiotic systems.

Dopamine addictions that are exactly like chains for everyone.

Looking at screens all day. Robots.

Always waiting for something.

Always wasting time.

Society that is controlled by the media. Morons. 

Following religions.

Bringing kids to this world without being able to raise them right.

Morons.

Everyone is stupid at something or at some level always but the majority of people are beyond stupid.

Programmed. 

Following stupid rules. 

Modern slaves. 

People that wait for green at night with zero traffic to cross the road. 

People that ask for permission to go to the toilet. 

People that destroy their health everyday because they have nothing better to do.

Social media. 

Girls that turn to objects because it's normal.

Destroyed relationships.

People that believe they have some power by voting. 

Money that buys only half the stuff from 5 years ago.

 

[MazE]

Working out is necessary for a good life.

Reading books is fun. Anyone has the time to read a bit everyday. 

I practice listening as good as i can when talking to people.

I learned that there are different kinds of people. Oversimplification but they fall into 4 categories that can mix with each other. " Communication happens to the listeners terms". Something like that was the quote but i need to keep that in mind. 

I want to learn how to become a better communicator. I have to practice. 

It's more important than i thought it is. 

There are some people that know everybody and almost everyone likes them. 

I'm not like that. Most people annoy me.

But again it's just that there are different categories of people. Some people are born with charisma and being social. 

I was born with different positive traits but everyone has something. That's the point. 

I work in shifts. They change all the time. It's certainly not healthy. Many people there seem 10 years older than they are. 

That's why i cannot not get rich. It's not an option. I'm sacrificing health for cash.

I'm doing what i can to balance this out by going to the gym for example.

I cannot journal like this offline. It just doesn't work. 

Hopefully i will elevate a bit with time and i will develop an interest in spirituality again.

But it's not the same for everyone. 

I talk the way i talk sometimes because i fight everyday. 

I don't have a desk job neither do i want one.

I can't be talking about rainbows and butterflies when i run maybe half a marathon/day or night at work. 

Anger is my fuel. Not in a bad way anymore. I mean the only reason i can do such jobs very well is because i use my anger. It's just a tool i use to get paid. It doesn't run out.

 

People may have completely different worldviews than me. They may believe in things that i find so stupid that i get angry. Usually i open my mouth because i can't stand it. What do i get from this? 

Nothing. Just some emotional relief but then what happens is that i possibly made an enemy or at least someone will dislike me or think that i'm weird.

On the other hand i hate not telling things exactly as i believe they are. 

Communication happens on the listeners terms. How open are they to listen? How do i go about talking about something with someone and how likely is that they will listen?

Everyone wants to be right all the time and there is no communication.

 

Unless you prepared the ground for them to listen.

Aha. I liked that.