Furious argument with my mom

[fopylo]

I was planning to go to a friend's concert, and my mom volunteered to take me. She told me she'll be ready in 5 minutes, then another five minutes... then making coffee.. I was starting to get worried that I'll miss his performance because of all my mother's preparations (she knew ahead of time). By the time we got there, I was only able to see the last 2 performances and that's it (missed my friend's). I told my mother to come fetch me.

On the way back in the car we were arguing a lot, and she is saying that I need to be more appreciative, and if we were finally heading out like 40 minutes late then I could've just said "well, since it's already late then I think I won't go". This made me furious! How dare she even say that? I told her that she is shedding of responsibility and that she should've said that she's sorry for making me late, but she was so defensive in her position on me being the one that should thank her and also making the choice to go with her. But she was the one that offered me to go with her! Her way of thinking is very shocking (I told her) and also that she is a bad example. She told me that the way I see things now are like that but in a few years I would appreciate all the care. As if. I told her that also 2 years ago she told me that and she always says that to me, and for quite many years I find myself hating her over and over again. Now, I told her, I'm soon 20 years old and I still think she is wrong.

My parents are getting divorced (I already talked about it in other topics in actualized.org and here, and that my parents are finding their new houses). My mother is planning on moving to a city about 30 minutes from the small town in which I live, which means I won't be visiting her often. I also don't really intend to.

Anyways, she was then telling me that she has lots of things on her head like her work and her future, and that she is doing the best to help me. I've heard these stories not once. She keeps floating around in her life and is very selfish. She is always trying to protect her identity from getting hurt more than it already is. She will blame anyone but herself. I believe also my brother doesn't like her that much, but probably not like me.

My mother is stuck and thinks she's right and doesn't know how to get help, and I don't intend to be the one who helps. She thinks she knows how stuff work here. She is close to 50.

I don't know how my mother took this argument. She might have been offended by some things I said, but I don't know. She tends to behave naturally (back to default mode - minding her own business, floating around, going out, in her room).

[Faith]

Most ppl, including parents, tend to walk around very unconscious of their conditioned patterns. She may be taking things out on you that are aimed at your dad that she's divorcing. Who knows. When ppl are very emotional it tends to bleed over into several relationships. The fact that she's moving may be just what your relationship needs...some space, then perhaps she can appreciate you more. She doesn't sound abusive, so I bet she loves you a lot, but she's  just is going through a rough patch right now?

 

This too shall pass.

💙

[fopylo]

22 hours ago, Faith said:

but she's  just is going through a rough patch right now?

@Faith

Yeah, I believe so. I am surprised to say that I don't know much about her. She was never really engaged with the family, quite absent from some meetings. Also, we barely ever meet with the family from my mother's side. I am not in contact with them. But anyways, my mother is working 2 jobs. In fact, yesterday, when I wrote this post, she also moved to a new job - similar to her other jobs (her 2 jobs have to do with secretary work in the dental field). She still has 2 jobs, and is working a lot and always coming back tired. She also doesn't have much hope and a slight vision for a better change
 

[Faith]

@fopylo This may sound crazy to you in light of what just happened and I don't know you both, BUT I just got the sudden inspiration to tell you this. Maybe, instead of sweeping this under the rug and hoping her moving helps things. What if you went up to her when shes relaxed and just said something along the lines of that you know she works really hard and that you want her to know that regardless if you both fight you love her very much! Maybe even buy her some cheap flowers. Mother's rarely get to feel appreciated, until their children are much older and can reflect back. So this would be a huge gift to her. Just think about it. 

 

 

[fopylo]

@Faith

Hi, so just now I've thought of what you said and decided to give it a shot. Now it is past midnight, but at around lunch time I saw her coming out of the car to the house from my window and she looked tired up, a bit stiff, and like she's not having the easiest time.

Just a few minutes ago I approached her while she was brushing her teeth and asked her:

"hi, um how was it at work today?" (this was quite a step for me)

And she replied "It was hard. You mean the knew job? - because you know I work 2 jobs.. Yes it is quite hard", to which I asked:

"Do you enjoy it?"

She said "You know.. that this job.. it is almost exactly like the previous job, just better quality."

"It is harder but I get paid more."

"Do you like this new job more than the previous?" I asked.

"Well... maybe.. maybe I liked it more.. (she seemed quite unsure, perhaps leaning more to her previous job)"

"Thanks you for asking me. How was your day today?" Her face expression didn't change the whole conversation, with that same worn out face, even when asking that question - perhaps she's just tired, which is understandable.

In contrast, I was smiling excitedly and answered "Fine, I mean, nothing special. Here all day".

We then moved on to talk about me and some upcoming events I have, both of us with are similar expressions.

We then cut it goodnight.

It was a fraction from what you advised me to do lol, but I took a step further, and perhaps let my mother express (in a monotone, tired dead voice) that it was hard and thanking me for asking (?) Maybe it will give her better energies for tomorrow, but idk... She goes to sleep very late (now it's 2:30 am and she basically gets up at like 8:00).

[Faith]

You did great!!!👏 

 

As I said, I don't know you both and the dynamics of the relationship. You rolled with what you felt comfortable with and it was awesome. 🥰

 

We forget that our parents are just people and have their own problems and emotions. You let her express hers and I'm sure you made her feel better. I can barely work one job. I couldn't imagine 2. So, kudos to her for doing it. 

 

I'm proud of you, good job! 🤗

[fopylo]

@Faith Thank you

[Phil]

😊