If you want an ideal man....

[Reena]

 

If you want an ideal man who is going to be a marriage material gem or just a great boyfriend, screen for commitment early on. 

This is what a girl should keep in mind. 

I'll also research on how to screen men for commitment and state my findings here later. 

In my last relationship I made a terrible mistake. I didn't let the guy know that I wanted commitment from him. He took it the wrong way and thought I wanted casual sex which I didn't. I suppressed my own emotions as a woman. 

 

This is a terrible mistake you can make as a girl invested in an ideal partner. Never be scared to tell the guy what you want out of him. 

 

With my last relationship that ended unfortunately the problem was my thought process ran like this - I thought of most men as commitment phobic. I thought they simply wanted to pump and dump. So I thought here is a real handsome guy interested in me. I'll lose him if I tell him my plans of bagging him. 

 

He was other worldly handsome and flirting with me showing a lot of interest. He was initially annoyed by my cold response. I kept fidgeting. There were a million thoughts running through my mind. "what if" kind of thoughts. 

I really sabotaged my chance with him by not letting him know that I wanted him. And I regret it badly. Because he was a good catch. 

He was partially German. He was cool and considerate. I was interested too. But I don't prefer casual sex at all. Him neither. I'm a virgin. I never had sex. So sex was a big deal to me. I simply overrated sex a bit much. So I didn't let my concerns be known to him. 

 

I really regret not being vulnerable enough. Letting my fears and insecurities get the better of me. My first thought was that I shouldn't be paranoid about commitment or I'll drive him away. I remained silent for the first couple of hours of his texting and he was very pissed off. I was trying to think and mulling over it. He took it the wrong way and thought i was giving a cold response. 

 

I probably should have said something like "I need some time to think." to let him know that I need time off. 

 

It was a bit chaotic because he was rushing and not being patient. He was already assuming I would reject him. Then he said something like "how many times should I tell you that I love you?" I felt a bit pushed and rushed and embarrassed as well. So I instantly said yes so as to not piss him off further. 

I wish I hadn't taken the bait. 

 

Only now I realize male psychology. Men take women very seriously and I didn't realize this at the time. So he took me the wrong way and thought I might have wanted him just for sex and later dumped me. I felt bad because that wasn't my intention. 

 

You have to be careful about every word and letter you say to a guy especially in the early stages or the beginning of the relationship. 

 

My own bad assumptions about men ruined my chances with him. I preemptively thought that he would only want casual sex and nothing more. This was a typical cognitive dissonance on my part. I wasn't clear enough about what I wanted in a man. 

 

I did a lot of self shaming at the beginning of this relationship which I come to regret now. I blew my chance. I thought he would be offended if I mentioned commitment. So I didn't. I shamed and repressed myself into thinking 

 

Some insights I gained along the way from the lessons I gathered out of this experience 

 

Take risks. Don't be afraid of consequences 

 

Be bold even if it means he is going to think you're some slut. The fear of being slut shamed held me back from my own sexuality for a long long time. 

 

Tell him openly and let him know what you want out of a man or specifically out of him. Him knowing this gives him enough time to adjust himself 

 

Take time off if you want to. 

 

Respect him deeply as a man. Pay attention to his words. (I was raised by a mother who could never teach me how to respect men, she would constantly disrespect my dad who was a wonderful husband to her. As a result I never learned to properly respect a man. Although I should own this and make it right when I can). 

 

Edited October 17, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

These are the insights I gathered from my past relationship failures and losses. 

 

Remember that a relationship should be mutual. Don't be overexcited. If you want him, it's not necessary that he wants you too or at least he might not be on the same page as you. If his reciprocation does not match your passion, it's best to let go. Know where to draw the line. Don't go overboard with your concerns and demands. Don't suffocate him. Sometimes I made the mistake of overexaggerating his liking for me. 

 

Keep your hopes high and chin up. I have always been positive but obviously there are low points in life. 

A sad vulnerable state generally attracts the wrong kind of people into your life. When you're going through a rough patch in life, your mind is not in the best state. I personally noticed thar this makes a huge difference to how my life operates. Whenever I'm feeling off, my mind definitely makes a ton of mistakes and foolish decisions. I'm simply not able to think straight. It feels like the world is caving in on me. But the moment I feel lifted and the depressing stress is gone, my mind is in a much better state, my thoughts are more wiser, sharper and my decisions much better. Don't form relationships when you're down. This is a trial and error thing. Sometimes adversity attracts some of the best things in life and sometimes you can run into the worst people or situations out of sheer desperation. Adversity is a double edged sword and a huge gamble. Be careful. 

 

 

 I had low standards for a while. 

The kind of people you want depends on the kind of standards you place.  Higher standards attracts higher people. Standards are judgement are two different things. It's good to have high standards. The possibility of meeting someone more compatible and ideal increases. 

 

Honesty is a huge key in my opinion. It's a supplement. I used to underestimate the power of honesty. No matter the consequences and fears that beseige you, honesty will serve you the best. For your own good. Be honest. It might feel daunting at first. Your dissonances might get the better of you. Try to minimize hesitation and resistance. 

 

 

Communication is another point. For me communication is absolutely the most vital thing in a relationship. If your partner doesn't leave enough room for proper communication, such a relationship is better off dead. If all you and  your would-be  partner do is type two words to each other and the communication appears cold, distant, blunt and absolutist, it's just not worth it. Nothing gets solved this way. It's like talking to a newspaper. Such a relationship is too hard to maintain. It will be hard on you if you already struggle with communication. My line of thinking should be - "he is just not the right

 

Don't give much leverage to aberrations. Aberrations are those relationships situations in my opinion where you think that you ticked all the right boxes and did all the right things and still the relationship didn't pan out. This is nobody's fault. It happens. Don't focus too much on this. Don't focus on the why. Maybe 2 out of your 10 relationships will be aberrations. I had several relationships. One out of them seemed too perfect to be true and turned out to be an aberration. 

 

Don't be too concerned about online relationships. I mostly relied om online relationships. Online relationships barely guarantee commitment and loyalty. You can try them to see where your dart lands or if it lands at all, yet mostly online relationships are too risky emotionally.

 

Put all the eggs in one basket 

Don't have vague expectations. Write down your expectations in specific and concise form. Be fully aware of your expectations. Be blunt and brutal about them too. Convey your expectations properly and honestly without any vagueness. Bravely confront your would - be partner. Tell them of your expectations. Don't be shy. Don't be hesitant. Don't be half hearted. Be firm footed. Be firm about your emotional investment, not half hearted or half baked. The better you're at this the less manipulative and vague people you're likely to attract. 

 

Play by the rules. Yesss

You know what an ideal relationship should look like. Be matured and have that. Be your best self. You know the rules then don't obfuscate them. Don't play games. If you catch yourself playing games and not being sincere, stop yourself and correct yourself. 

 

Humility. Be humble. Meaning. Don't engage in ego battles when there's no need to. Don't create unnecessary suffering for the other. Admit your mistakes whenever you have the opportunity for it. Be direct and sincere. Apologize when you need to. This will reflect your sincerity. At the same time humility should not mean compromise. Do not compromise on what you want in life. For example you don't have to give up your career for marriage. Don't make compromises that you'll regret. 

 

Humility also means zero self deception. Self deception. A good example of self deception is denial. When you are incapable of doing something just accept it. Denying it is deception. You're deceiving yourself in the hopes of appearing perfect. You'll achieve nothing out of such deception. You're only harming your own good. So don't lie. Be very frank about your insecurities and flaws. Don't shame yourself for those flaws that you are aware of. This will help you to be more humble and not live in denial. 

 

Be open about what you want. If you avoid saying things or hide things because you think you'll lose the guy, that's already self deception right there. Don't do that no matter how tempted you are to do it. Say what you want, no matter what the consequences. If you lose the guy, it's better than giving a wrong impression of yourself to that person. Better to lose the guy than lose your dignity. If he leaves you because you were sincere, he is being judgemental and it shows he wasn't meant for you one way or another. Deceiving him will achieve nothing. Have higher moral integrity. Be critical of your own self. 

 

 

Edited October 17, 2023 by Reena