How to ask her to chip in

[Rose]

I have this friend, we aren’t super close and she doesn’t have a car.

 

A couple of weekends ago we went cherry picking outside of the city. It wasn’t that long of a drive, maybe 150 km in total. She bought me a latte at the beginning of a trip and I thought it was her way to chip in.

 

This weekend we are going to a trip that is 300km+ in total. That will cost me about 40$ in gas. She msg-ed me that she will get me another latte in the morning, but I rather her chip in for gas (since I don’t know her that well, and I feel a bit used whenever this kind of situation happens)

 

A few months ago she did say that she wanted to get out of the city a bit more, but she doesn’t have a car, and if I drive she will chip in with gas money.

 

How could I tell her that I rather her chip in for gas this time around than get me a latte? Is it normal for me to say that? When do I say it? Am I going to look bad when I say it? 

[Mandy]

Align with doing it as a gift or for your own pleasure regardless of whether she pays or not, and don't care about it, let it go. Or align with saying it regardless of what she thinks or "how you look", and let it go. It doesn't matter which you choose, just align with it. Maybe look where you could offer others appreciation or thanks or contribution, since this has shown that you appreciate being appreciated and considered. Whenever you feel that you are lacking something, find somewhere else to give what you are wanting and it will come back. Maybe not from her but from someone else. 

[Rose]

@Mandy I think the key for me now is to feel like I am being appreciated. I just don’t know how to ask her to chip in - when do I bring it up, how do I bring it up, etc. 

[Mandy]

@Rose Appreciate yourself and let yourself feel the appreciation, or others will always fail to supply it for you. You wait for the exact right moment, or rather attract the right moment or circumstance, maybe she chips in at the start and you don't even have to. Would you take the trip alone? 

[Rose]

@Mandy but I feel that appreciating myself does involve me protecting my feelings (feelings of being used by others). In the past I would invest a lot in friendships, and get nothing in return. Honestly I would feel much more comfortable around her if I feel it’s fair.

The reason that I found this was an issue for me, is because for the past few days I’ve been feeling like I really don’t want to go. I started to think about why it is, and this came out (basically that the whole trip will cost me a lot, at least $40 for the gas, plus 60-100 for the berry picking, plus lunch). I am in a bad situation now with the mortgage, so I am trying to really watch my finances.
 

 

I probably wouldn’t make a trip alone, if I did then it would be on my own terms (not so early, not on Sunday, etc) 

Edited July 14, 2023 by Rose

[Mandy]

@Rose If you wouldn't go otherwise, just say no to the trip up front then, that you don't have the extra money in the budget for gas. Then if she offers to pay, you go, if not, don't go.

 

This is blunt and confronting but I feel the same way about our conversations on the forum that you do about your friendships. I don't feel appreciated for my responses to your questions, nor do I feel like anyone else is truly appreciated for their responses and I don't remember ever having received thanks for taking the time. I think you're identifying with what the investment is, and then the friendship is dead, it's got not life in it, it's just a concept. Just like if I put a dollar value on the time I spend here on the forum for what I make an hour working and consider that rarely does anyone thank me for my input, that's a pretty crappy way to look at it, talking about it feels crappy. Rather, I'm here because I want to be, I don't expect anything back except the direct satisfaction I get in participating. 

 

[Rose]

@Mandy I think this is a bit different though, I don’t mind spending my time on people or helping them with advice/listening to them.

 

But when it comes to financial things, that’s when it really bugs me. Perhaps you don’t understand because you live in US and there is more of financial abundance there. I live in the most expensive city in the world. Plus you have a husband and someone to share the financial burden with. I only have me to rely on financially, and I have a 500K mortgage.
 

Also, I do appreciate you guys, and you Mandy in particular replying to me here. I sometimes even screenshot it because it was so deep for me. Other times I just don’t get it and it takes some time to process it.

 

I just never say how much I appreciate it because I am not used to being vulnerable like this. But the amount of times I wanted to write an appreciation post here when high is just crazy. I always hold myself back. I hope you do know people wouldn’t keep coming back here if the advice they were getting wouldn’t help them. 

[Mandy]

@Rose ❤️That means a lot and feels really good to hear. I get the holding back thing, we don't have to though. I really appreciate your contributions here and our discussions. ❤️

 

I would just tell her that you love and enjoy the trips but need help with the gas money to keep being able to do it. There's also the cost of mileage on your car, half the gas is perfectly reasonable. I would not plan another trip and when she mentions doing another, letting her know your decision then. Unless you're having enough fun that you don't care about the expense, then I'd just let it go and see if I can save or make the money somewhere else. 

 

Confession as the grass is always greener, I do appreciate having someone to share everything with, but sometimes I fantasize about having only having me to look after, living in a tiny cabin in the woods really simply. I can eat really simple and live simply and be thrilled, he can't. I had to mostly give up my career for a time raising kids because there are no good, local or affordable daycares here in the US and his job just carried on like normal, mine was the one that could and was expected to make the sacrifice. I'm thankful for that, it worked out but I'm also pissed about it as being the standard here.  A lot of what you see about the US financial abundance is just wasteful pig headed ideals about freedom and we pay for childcare and medical care and in many other ways.  I don't get to control what my husband spends his money on. He was raised with much more wealth and I was raised with doing hard physical labor at a young age, even giving up social opportunities to help my parents work. I have no problem sleeping in an un-heated bedroom, or wearing 2 layered wool sweaters all winter, he does. He has also made me realize that I am worthy of more, and it's ok to spend and not be so scared of what happens if you indulge or just let it go sometimes. 

 

 

[Rose]

4 hours ago, Mandy said:

having only having me to look after, living in a tiny cabin in the woods really simply

But where would you work if you lived in a cabin? 
 

4 hours ago, Mandy said:

I'm thankful for that, it worked out but I'm also pissed about it as being the standard here.

Do you mean that the standard for women where you live is to make the sacrifice on her career and not for the man? 

 

4 hours ago, Mandy said:

He has also made me realize that I am worthy of more, and it's ok to spend and not be so scared of what happens if you indulge or just let it go sometimes

Yea, that’s true. I also notice it with people who were raised in wealth though. They are more “generous” to spend money on themselves. They treat money differently, but it does come easier to them too. The paradox.

 

4 hours ago, Mandy said:

I would just tell her that you love and enjoy the trips but need help with the gas money to keep being able to do it. There's also the cost of mileage on your car, half the gas is perfectly reasonable.

Thank you, I’ll try telling her that. It’s just very uncomfortable for me to ask her for that. I feel usually people kind of know and offer themselves to compensate you some gas money. Especially since we’re not that close of friends. 

Edited July 15, 2023 by Rose

[Rose]

4 hours ago, Mandy said:

That means a lot and feels really good to hear

Awww, well I’ll try to say it in the future more, but I really do appreciate all your work ❤️.
 

If I still don’t respond sometimes though, it usually either means that I agree and I take something out of it, or that I just didn’t understand it yet.

[Mandy]

9 hours ago, Rose said:

But where would you work if you lived in a cabin? 

I work from home as an artist so I just need internet access and access to a mailbox a couple times a week. I was raised in a rural area with lack of opportunity locally but with the internet it turns out the whole world is at your finger tips anyway. I love my life, and all the craziness, but I think I just really want a cabin retreat right now. 😂 I have a cabin weekend coming up but it's still weeks away. 

 

9 hours ago, Rose said:

Do you mean that the standard for women where you live is to make the sacrifice on her career and not for the man? 

I believe that the way childcare is provided privately and randomly in the US makes it so that a woman (and in some cases, father, or grandparent) is never guaranteed the opportunity to continue her/their career throughout early childhood and I see mostly the kids, women and families and later teachers and the education system paying the price for it. 

 

9 hours ago, Rose said:

Yea, that’s true. I also notice it with people who were raised in wealth though. They are more “generous” to spend money on themselves. They treat money differently, but it does come easier to them too. The paradox.

Yeah, we think it's privelledge but the privelledge isn't the resources themselves, its that they've never practiced thoughts of lack. It's about what they are not doing, what they are not focused on, more than what they have. That's empowering. 

 

9 hours ago, Rose said:

Thank you, I’ll try telling her that. It’s just very uncomfortable for me to ask her for that. I feel usually people kind of know and offer themselves to compensate you some gas money. Especially since we’re not that close of friends. 

There's nothing wrong with being intentional with what you spend money on and letting your friends know that you're being intentional with your money. Then they can help you get creative about ways to have even more fun that are in line with your financial goals. Why are we so bad about talking about money?  Again, make the decision and align with it. If you want to do it as a gift anyway, just let it go, if it feels really off, have the conversation. You do no one any favors by just holding in discord so they can keep avoiding what they are avoiding too.  If you model for her being focused on your financial dreams (responsible with money) that might be the best gift you can give her right now, way more than the gift of the trip. 

 

9 hours ago, Rose said:

Awww, well I’ll try to say it in the future more, but I really do appreciate all your work ❤️.
 

If I still don’t respond sometimes though, it usually either means that I agree and I take something out of it, or that I just didn’t understand it yet.

❤️

[Rose]

On 7/15/2023 at 7:36 AM, Mandy said:

I believe that the way childcare is provided privately and randomly in the US makes it so that a woman (and in some cases, father, or grandparent) is never guaranteed the opportunity to continue her/their career throughout early childhood and I see mostly the kids, women and families and later teachers and the education system paying the price for it

Yea.. and then they are surprised birth rates are declining 😒. Is it true that in US women only get 2 paid weeks of maternity? 

 

On 7/15/2023 at 7:36 AM, Mandy said:

I was raised in a rural area with lack of opportunity locally but with the internet it turns out the whole world is at your finger tips anyway. 

Yes, that is true. It pays to be creative nowadays, I always try to think about something I could do remote like this! 

Edited July 18, 2023 by Rose