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feeling purposeless, jealous, envy, and a bit lonely


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Today wasn't such a great day.

So I'm currently on a break from work due to a tooth extraction I had not long ago so I'm staying home for a week. This is the second time I have it (last time was a month ago, other side of the mouth), and I want to utilize it properly - idk maybe clean a bit my room like my brother's, maybe read more, get back into playing the piano slowly.

I usually try to make sure first activity in the morning is to read since it low level dopamine and a good start for the day.

But today I just for some reason decided that I should probably first thing go and watch some YouTube. Oh man, how much it fucked my day. I was literally the WHOLE day on YouTube or Instagram. Just scrolling, mindlessly consuming content.

My brother was playing guitar this morning with my father (yeah they have a somewhat good relationship). He also comes back home almost every weekend (he is working on a ship).

He barely has any time at home and he still accomplishes more than me when he is home, while I am home every day and I don't do shit.

He is also very cool with family. I am not so good with them.

He has a clean room and is tidy and quick to make changes if needed. I live in a messy room and make changes very slowly, like really.

He buys his own clothes and has style, nice cologne. Bro I am walking with a torn shoe and I don't care too much to replace it, and have a mid cologne.

He surrounds himself with friends from all over, and I struggle with social interactions.

He is more responsible.

He is more reliable.

He is living life more freely, enjoying it more, while I am compulsively comparing myself to him sitting here in this junkyard alone.


Today I felt a little lonely, but not too much. I don't remember when was the last time I really felt lonely. I was just imagining potential relationships, friendships, experiences that I never had and probably never will have and will always ever be in fantasy land, and then I "fell" back to reality realizing that I am this guy, in this body, in this city, in this country, speaking this language, talking to these people. I have very few friends but not a group of friends, which isn't too bad, but I would've want a/some close friend/s that I could feel comfortable enough to talk about how I feel. With my current best friend I am capable of being more honest with my thoughts at times but never really felt comfortable talking about how I feel.

I know this will sound a bit conditional but I would've wanted a best friend that is about the same height as me, that likes physical exercise like me and more shared interests.

My current best friend isn't too interested in what I'm interested and is very tall. The main thing that holds our connection is our autistic humor (we are both on the spectrum).


Yeah man, that day was quite pessimistic. Usually on days like these I tend to whistle more and be more sentimental. Perhaps I'd listen to more sentimental  melancholic music, with some nostalgic taste. I let the music do the healing, as well as writing here.

A quote that I had in mind:

"It ain't a bad life, just a bad day" - LongBeachGriffy (from the song Dark Days)


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