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What's wrong with me - the 2 curses


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2 curses:

1. "floaty"/"high"/"disconnected"

2. "cute"


For a very long time people have been calling me curse no.1. I have been in different groups of people throughout those 5-6 years and I have always at some point been called with those names. It has been annoying, and the fear of people not taking me seriously, disrespecting me, and not trusting me have been there. I've been motivated to write about that because recently my officer has been calling me like that, literally the team leader. Bro like are you serious? I was actually working diligently all this time, and he did respect it... yet he calls me that. So when people call me that they always say it with a smile/laugh, and I understand they say it from a place of me making them laugh and that they like it, however, I do not always like it. I believe part of the reason is forcing this stupidity out since it makes people laugh. But truly, I actually respect more the people that even when I do kinda force myself to act funny they are still ready and open minded that I have also a serious side and understand that there is more to me than jokes. Evidently, I do take it personal at times, especially when I feel like this is my new label. Who wants to trust such a guy? Who wants to date such a guy?


About the curse no.2: Throughout those years I've always been called "cute". This has always been bugging me because the first thought that pops it "no girl wants a cute guy" (There is no need to kid yourselves with this bullshit. You want a guy that can protect you and that you can feel safe next to. A cute guy, like a little kid, will not make it to the front line).


Both curses go hand in hand. My apparent cuteness goes a lot together with my floatiness. People say I'm funny by the way I talk and behave. But yeah, all of those name callings make me feel like something is wrong with me and that I can't keep living like that if I want to live a better life.


So at some point today I was walking with a friend from the team and he told me in a manner that seemed honest "you know, you're a really cute guy" (not in any gay/romantic way). And then I felt the urge to ask him why does he think so, and he told me that I make people smile and laugh.
I felt a little different about it. I sometimes enjoy it, but sometimes I feel like I need to act that way to be loved.


Anyways, I kept thinking about that cuteness thing...

Perhaps what's cute is my innocence... The type of questions that I ask that might sound like a little kid curious about the world...

Maybe I find more mystery in life than other people...

I was on the brink of tears when the group leader started making jokes on me.


Going to work out now. At least there's some kind of visual representation that I'm not all "jokes"

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You familiar with mind over matter psychology?


You are being intellectually manipulate to question yourself 24/7 and your brain doesn't like the outcome, but you have to mind to fit into the social network as how society works controlling tomorrow's outcome arriving today.





Edited by solereproduction
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