Confronting my shadow.

[spiritual dreams]

This is a cross post from my journal on actualized:

 

While working with my existential dread and nihilism, instead of avoiding it, I jumped straight into the fire and fully embraced these feelings and I ended up facing my shadow.

 

All my preconceived notions of shadow work were wrong. The shadow isn't just a part, Its an entire world filled with darkness, dread, hatred and malevolence. 

 

And its been here all along pulling the strings.

 

I understand why its called the shadow now. My shadow isn't just a part, It is me! Its just as much me as the conscious me, just a dark aspect of me that never sees the light of consciousness. Everything I hated out in the world was inside me all along being projected outwards. I thought, I was suppressing it, but its been in control the entire time. If my self is a reflection of the light of consciousness, then my shadow self is a reflection of the void. Once I embraced by shadow, all my existential dread remained, but to my shadow, the dread was ok, it was just one of many emotions in the void.

 

The experience was equal in intensity to a psychedelic trip although none have allowed me to access my shadow like IFS therapy. The shadow hasn't changed, It's just been illuminated. I don't know what the consequences will be or if I can even trust my shadow, but its not like I was ever in control in the first place. I can only allow things to unfold.

I tried to draw my experience with midjourney:

 

[Phil]

Nice. If you have any info or videos on the IFS you mentioned feel free to share.  

[spiritual dreams]

@Phil Thanks, I have a journal on actualized.org if you want to read it. '' Shadow work using IFS therapy''