Allowing expression

[noomii]

Allowing myself to express freely.
Editing- & judging less.

27/1
I feel doubt about what to do. I procrastinate a lot, there's a lot of thoughts and hours pass by so quickly.
I've been mindful of what I feel. Tried to do the emotional scale earlier but it felt too heavy. I did go from discouragement to blame though and the blame felt really good. I was blaming the one creating suffering lol.
One habit I've been trying to do almost everyday now is questioning thoughts. I've started to do it for a shorter time because I feel so tired when doing it. Maybe it's better to do it just once in a while for a longer duration to really go deep into it, idk.
I feel tense and a bit stressed writing this. Feel stressed about wanting to write what I want before my focus/head feels like mashed potatoes. I feel stressed thinking I need to be productive before I go to bed. I'm not even productive I'm just ruminating.

I want to be free and have fun. I want to deeply relax and I want deep sleep 😤😭
I want to connect with friends tomorrow, cuddle & be out in nature. I want to do something fun & crazy too, I don't know yet what that is. I just want something very scary, new, stimulating, very exciting & joyful. I feel extremely understimulated. I might as well make a list of things I find scary and just do it all. ❤


28/1
I feel stressed and I don't know what to do.
I'm sitting by the stove as I just made up some fire.
Very scattered in thought and hours pass by so quickly it seems without me being productive.

I just did the emotional scale and went the whole way up. I think I should just bask in this everyday.

-

I feel tense as fuck in the body and I don't know what to do.
I've isolated so much, not because I want to. It just always seems like I need to put in so much effort to get anything I truly want and the more I try the more it seems like it's kept away from me. I hate it.
So I've tried to stop trying to see where I end up & to feel whatever comes up.
And here I am.

I feel awful, grief, guilt & powerlessness. Feels like I've failed with this day and I feel incredibly alone. 

I feel annoyed by how I write too, makes me cringe. I think what feels bad are the thoughts about how I believe people will perceive how I write.

[noomii]

I feel almost too tired to write but I really want expression so I'm trying anyways.
I feel a lot of worry & fear every night. My experience usually feels unreal.
I hate to have so much thoughts about not wanting to live. Always feels like I'm never really living fully because I feel so much fear.
I could write a whole book with just negative thoughts. There's just so much I want to express but it just takes so much energy to write. I wish I had a person that I could just verbally vent everything I feel carelessly to but that's not so kind.

[noomii]

I've seen a lot of green light in the visual field the past weeks which I assume is connected to an angel. Today I also received a Malachite crystal from my mother that is green. I've wondered if it's some sign or connection to something, might also be just me making it up because I wish it was someone guiding me. 😂

[Loop]

What resonates more? 💚

It’s all You guiding you!

 

[noomii]

15 hours ago, Loop said:

What resonates more? 💚

It’s all You guiding you!

 

That I'm being guided to love.

Feels like a child's trust in a parent, I'm being taken care of & guided back home. 💚

Reading about Malachite it sounds like it's for me too. I just need to give it a cleanse because my mother have used it. ☺

[Loop]

@noomii

 

You inspired me to go find some Malachite for my crystal collection. Thanks 🙏 

 

Literally with my mother right now and we are going on a crystal store adventure. 💚
 

[noomii]

2 minutes ago, Loop said:

@noomii

 

You inspired me to go find some Malachite for my crystal collection. Thanks 🙏 

 

Literally with my mother right now and we are going on a crystal store adventure. 💚
 

That Malachite didn't even feel good, it wasn't for me. 😂 What kind of angel was that, sending me shit. Oops I mean thanks Mum. 💚
A lot of crystals don't even resonate with me, some make me feel anxious. Sometimes some of my crystals feel good, right now none of them feel good.

Hope Malachite resonates with you 😊

[Loop]

@noomii

 

It’s nice to have a bunch of different ones so you can gravitate towards whatever one you resonate with at the time. Intention is what they are all about I feel. If none resonate maybe just meditation alone? 
 

[noomii]

19 hours ago, Loop said:

@noomii

 

It’s nice to have a bunch of different ones so you can gravitate towards whatever one you resonate with at the time. Intention is what they are all about I feel. If none resonate maybe just meditation alone? 
 

That's what I usually do.

[noomii]

I feel awful because there's so much that wants to be released emotionally. It is so exhausting that I don't get the sleep I need when I feel like this. 😩
There's so much doubt about what I even need to do to heal the quickest. What if I'm missing out on some knowledge? Or some practice that I don't know about or haven't been enough openminded to try?

[noomii]

I feel so frustrated. I just want to be a child, why is it so difficult to let go of thoughts? I'm meditating for fucking 50 minutes everyday and 30 minutes more later in the day. Some people seem to feel better from 15 min???? That's INSANE. 

[noomii]

I still ruminate very often daily after all that meditation. 🙂