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So, I came back especially for Christmas at my mom's.

 

It turns out that I fell sick at some point yesterday and I am now bedridden with what seems to be the flue. I got fever and feel overall so terrible that I couldn't do much today. I stayed in bed the whole time, stuffing myself with adequate drugs.

 

Earlier, I actually made myself a meal and broke a glass jar due to be being drowsy and having muscle cramps. My brother was sleeping on the couch and just left, not even offering to help. I didn't mind, hovered the glass pieces and got myself the food I needed.

 

During the day, my mom checked out on me a few times and helped me out. She made me some tea, some soup, and asked my brother to buy me some medecine because he was in town.

 

I am a polite and helpful person, so I'm pretty certain that if the position were reversed (and my brother would have come from abroad to visit), I would have been the first one to offer tea, food and check on him. At some point, I was even throwing up my guts loudly in the bathroom and still, no thing, no words. I don't even think he said 'hi' to me today, as some basic greetings.

 

So about 1 hour ago, before my mom went to sleep, I had just woke up from a short nap, was feeling both warm and cold, and noticed I had nothing more to drink. So I basically asked my mother who is sleeping in the room nearby for more warm water to spend the night after she greeted me goodnight, which she kindly did, even though she was complaining (which is already kinda a meh thing to do, because I do this things for sick people always out of my heart). 

 

So my mum had left my bedroom door open, and downstair I heard my brother start laughing and ask whether this house was a care center for the elderly and why I couldn't do my own tea alone. He was deliberately loud, laughing and repeated the sentence several times.

 

I suppose it's important to put things in context, but my brother is pretty much the poster child of an immature, middle school grade bully. He's two faced, very charming on the outside with other people (most of the time), and just absolutely horrific and abusive with me. He pushes my boundaries at the first chance, diminishes my accomplishments, have a pathological need to feel superior and engaging in thousands of anti-social micro aggression etc.

 

Constantly, he tries to put the cover and all the attention on his side, will regularly speak 95% of the time during conversations, interrupt, and mansplain me stuff he's got no clue about. It's quite unbearable.

 

For instance, I recall that on my highschool graduation day, and when I graduated college, he never said a word to congratulate me. Instead, when other people did, he'd breath loudly, and I'd see a scary red flash of anger pass through his eyes. He's got a nice job, but dropped out of highschool, and it's obvious that it makes him feel lesser, even though it's not related to me.

He is also cocaine addicted. 

 

He feeds himself out of attention, and whatever he feels I get that he wants, he wants to take. He is my half brother and I grew up in the house my mother lives in now, and he asked me to move out all my stuff in 2017, so he and his daughter could move in. He was getting divorced and I was living in between there and another city, and at the time I also had lots of saving to find a solution if necessary. I never intended to establish myself abroad for good, but him staying for five years instead prevented me from being able to relocate if necessary as I couldn't access geographically the location. Covid hit, my finances went to downhill and I was left to deal alone with my situation abroad, without nothing. This didn't bother any of them, which leaves me very salty.

 

If anything, my current life situation has been used to crack a couple joke on how they would have done better than me, and other mentally unhinged behavior any other normal would find shocking due to the circumstances.

 

If I say stuff he lashes out at me, taking advantage of his physique to threaten me with implicit violence (sometimes), abuses me verbally with unrelated stuff, and shoot loudly, covering up my voice with his louder, masculine voice, and occupy the social space to make sure I feel uncomfortable. I suppose the deal there is that he used covered means of social violence to silence me and put me where he thinks I belong.  I don't like conflict and I am overall each time pretty much astounded that a grown up man (he's is 45!!) can act like that, and it takes me off guard. In my circle, people are usually so polite and socially intelligent that dealing with this behavior feels foreign.

 

Usually, when I see this type of dynamic, I just walk away. But that one is tricky, because he is family and putting the record straight on what my boundaries are will disrupt the status quo, and I'm quite worried at this point that I'll be the one scapegoated as the blacksheep and peace breaker. The bad press will be for me, and probably that my mother will also take poorly to be confronted with the strong, unegociable boundaries I'll erect. It will also mean, that I am potentially losing them, which I find very sad. Historically, they'd both gang up around me, and this since I was a teenager. And my mum has one hell of a thick shadow, and take offense very fast, which is why this situation can even take place in the first place.

 

Anyway, I found the situation so shocking that I came out of bed, standing by my door room so my voice would be heard downstairs. And I told him I thought his remarks were undelicate to see say the least. His reaction was to laugh and say that after all, I was able to move out of bed. I don't know how to explain, but his replies are always full of contempt and sarcasms, even if they do not make sense.  Obviously, I was able to still move, as I had been going downstairs earlier, and even went to the toilet next to my room to throw up. The anger I felt due to the hurt I had gave me the energy to say something because it was just so damn shocking to hear his comment and I'd feel awful with myself for not standing up and telling him I thought his comment was indignified.

 

He kept laughing, dismissing me and say that I must not be so sick for trying to talk with him. This time, I lost my nerves after noticing he woudn't take seriously any of my complains (i was telling him his way of reacting and dealing with my emotions, and this discussion was unproductive) and I ended up calling him a jerk. His reaction was to laugh and imitate me.

 

So, I'm still sick and bedridden of course, but I am thinking of leaving the house tomorrow or the day before tomorrow as soon as my fever will be gone and I won't be contagious to other travelers. I suppose that if I weren't sick, I would have moved on the spot to a friend's place or an hotel room, but due to the holiday timing and my conditions, it wouldn't be fair to spread the virus.

 

Any thoughts?

“Know yourself as nothing; feel yourself as everything.” - Rupert Spira

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I'm sorry if the message is a tad disorganized, I don't have much energy lately but I felt compelled to express and write down what happened because out of politeness I have a tendency to gaslight myself and diminish the situation. Putting stuff into words helps me put things back into perspective and stop lying to myself.

“Know yourself as nothing; feel yourself as everything.” - Rupert Spira

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40 minutes ago, Serenity said:

I'm sorry if the message is a tad disorganized, I don't have much energy lately but I felt compelled to express and write down what happened because out of politeness I have a tendency to gaslight myself and diminish the situation. Putting stuff into words helps me put things back into perspective and stop lying to myself.


It ok, my life is pretty disorganized 😌 Don’t forget to just take a breath or a few every now and then, shake loose whatever you feel comes up from interacting with them. If you can take time to let the thoughts settle in a quiet spot, but breaths are also always good, you can even take a breathe to ‘cool off’ in the middle of talking to them. Sometimes I find when someone is being verbally abusive it is best to just talk through body language. Which can also mean just walking away for a bit, or awhile, or for years, or forever, depending on how things feel later.

People get deeply caught in their cycles, whatever they decide the best thing is for them. A lot of the times you can’t really help them/ the best way to help them is to just be free yourself, and allow them to see that.


Wishing you well on the holidays! 🙏🎁

 

Ten thousand tears,

One Belly Laugh.

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2 minutes ago, Loop said:


It ok, my life is pretty disorganized 😌 Don’t forget to just take a breath or a few every now and then, shake loose whatever you feel comes up from interacting with them. If you can take time to let the thoughts settle in a quiet spot, but breaths are also always good, you can even take a breathe to ‘cool off’ in the middle of talking to them. Sometimes I find when someone is being verbally abusive it is best to just talk through body language. Which can also mean just walking away for a bit, or awhile, or for years, or forever, depending on how things feel later.

People get deeply caught in their cycles, whatever they decide the best thing is for them. A lot of the times you can’t really help them/ the best way to help them is to just be free yourself, and allow them to see that.


Wishing you well on the holidays! 🙏🎁

 

Thank you for the reply Loop. Helps a lot to have a bit of compassion and some other perspectives.

 

I'll try to focus on breathing, but my body feels so uncomfortable right now that it's hard to be fully there. But both my body and my mind aches, so it's a tough one. I suppose that consciousness and transcendence of everything I am not is where it's at.

 

 Wishing you well on the holidays too! 🙏 🙏🙏

 

Talk to you soon 🤍

“Know yourself as nothing; feel yourself as everything.” - Rupert Spira

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