Acceptance & Wanting

[Lotus]

When a family member is talking rude to me nearly all the time, how much of it should I accept? Where should I draw the line? When I politely speak up, all I get is even ruder talk from the other side. When I remain silent and 'allow', I suck up all the negative energy.

 

When that person constantly wants to interfere with my life, and I want a life with less interference of that person, should I accept/allow that person to interfere, even when it's not what I want and when it's hurting me mentally? When it is draining me emotionally?

 

I seek distance from that person. Phil might say (idk) that it's the thoughts which don't feel good and which I should distance myself from. But when that rude talking person is like a jackhammer to my wellbeing, even if I try to accept/allow as much as I can, shouldn't I draw the line somewhere? For the sake of my wellbeing? When it's going on since months and years like this?

[Mandy]

Where do you think the rudeness is coming from? Do you think the rudeness comes from their feeling good about themselves? How much suffering do you think this person has in their life? 

[Lotus]

@Mandy

 

Thanks for responding!

 

I think the rudeness is coming from conditioning and past/present not-so-good running relationships

 

4 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Do you think the rudeness comes from their feeling good about themselves?

I wish I could say different, but no.

 

5 minutes ago, Mandy said:

How much suffering do you think this person has in their life? 

Lots and lots. That person's been through some rough shit, but there's also a say on self-perpetuated suffering and inflicting it onto others.

[Mandy]

15 minutes ago, Lotus said:

even if I try to accept/allow as much as I can, shouldn't I draw the line somewhere? 

Not sure if you've taken a reiki class, but there's an empowerment symbol in reiki II. You can literally draw it in the air, or with the third eye. When a thought comes up that feels bad, often it's a great time to use it, and empower (send healing love, not just power as we think of power sometimes) the person that we're frustrated or upset with. It aligns us with the intention. We want to love them. Sometimes it feels horribly annoying that we have to take the first step but by consciously intending wellbeing for all living things, we instantly align and feel better. We get what we want instantly without believing that we need them to change for us to feel better. 

 

Other than that as for drawing a line, of course have a heart to heart conversation with them if you can, or tell them that their behavior isn't ok, and get your own place if you can (if you live together) or minimize contact if that feels better, or do your best when you can to make sure you meditate and get in the zone before you deal with them. 

 

The practice of tonglen is another good one for situations where someone is being nasty because they are suffering. Realize it's coming from their pain, and you don't have to make it your own. It just takes a little aligning with your true intention for feeling better. You go first. YOU get to feel better first. Then maybe they follow. 

[almond]

I love all the answers here, is a good question u asked Lotus. I can honestly say communication is key, so to say how you're feeling about the person's rudeness. If that doesn't do anything then you can use a word like pls Stop.

Verbal kungfu is not helpful so changing up the words like instead of Stop.. you can say Refrain. or just move to the nezt room or place.

Goodness knows there's ways to improve such situations like coughing, drink water or eat at those moments. Maybe the person has become unconscious of how much mean words they say, especially if it's been an ongoing thing.

[Phil]

@Lotus

Family members is sensitive, and ‘blood does blind’. 

On a nondual scale of 1 - 10, what kinda response, insight or suggestions are you lookin for here?

🙂

 

[Lotus]

6 hours ago, Mandy said:

Not sure if you've taken a reiki class, but there's an empowerment symbol in reiki II. You can literally draw it in the air, or with the third eye. When a thought comes up that feels bad, often it's a great time to use it, and empower (send healing love, not just power as we think of power sometimes) the person that we're frustrated or upset with. It aligns us with the intention. We want to love them. Sometimes it feels horribly annoying that we have to take the first step but by consciously intending wellbeing for all living things, we instantly align and feel better. We get what we want instantly without believing that we need them to change for us to feel better. 

I love your way of thinking! Drawing a line. Brilliant.

I wanted to take a reiki class, but never got to it. Nevertheless, simply reading the above quote really really resonated with me. It rings so true, especially that it feels horribly annoying to take the first step, that aligning with the intention feels good, and that it's already available to us. Might sound stupid, but I prayed once, and it seemed to set an impulse in my family member. There's a positive momentum going, but I guess it will take some time to come into fruition. It seems like it's in the very early phases - manifest wise it seems little, but big in vibration.

 

6 hours ago, Mandy said:

Other than that as for drawing a line, of course have a heart to heart conversation with them if you can, or tell them that their behavior isn't ok, and get your own place if you can (if you live together) or minimize contact if that feels better, or do your best when you can to make sure you meditate and get in the zone before you deal with them. 

Yes, I do have my own apartment, but we live in the same house, so he's just a knock away, and it's not so easy to keep a distance, nor does it feel natural. A heart to heart conversation will definitely follow. Had a bunch already, but I feel like the next one will really be heard.

 

6 hours ago, Mandy said:

The practice of tonglen is another good one for situations where someone is being nasty because they are suffering. Realize it's coming from their pain, and you don't have to make it your own. It just takes a little aligning with your true intention for feeling better. You go first. YOU get to feel better first. Then maybe they follow. 

Yes!!

I think it was in February this year when I had a fungal journey. Had to think of him at one point in the trip, and I shed a tear or two for him. It was different, because it was not my "egoistic/selfish" hurt that was heard, but his. It was felt deeply, and there was empathy, and there was also the will/wish to heal the suffering on his end. Not in the sense that I am the healer, but simply, sincerely wishing that he finds his way after suffering so much.

 

Thanks so much for the response, Mandy. 💛

[Lotus]

@almond

 

Yes, thank you. I appreciate your response. And I agree, communication is definitely the key.

[Lotus]

@Phil

 

The replies I love most/most resonate with from you are those, which are practical, with a pinch of non-dual mindbend. So I guess like up to 5? Btw, I really appreciate that you ask this question beforehand! Far too kind. 🙏

[Phil]

@Lotus

🙏

 

On 12/9/2022 at 12:09 PM, Lotus said:

When a family member is talking rude to me nearly all the time, how much of it should I accept? Where should I draw the line? When I politely speak up, all I get is even ruder talk from the other side. When I remain silent and 'allow', I suck up all the negative energy.

I wouldn’t accept any of it. It’s his / hers so to speak. Inherent in that framing is something going from him or her to you. As Willy Wonka says, “Wait, stop - reverse that”.  Rather than some thing going from him or her to you, allow no thing 🤍 from you to ye, allowing What Is. 

 

And, draw lines wherever you want. There’s certainly nothing ‘wrong’ with boundaries. It’s a matter of approach. I as one will never draw lines or create boundaries, as I’ve found when I do I create a box for a myself with the very lines. I’ve boxed a myself in a nonexistent box and seen the futility first hand. I do love boxing, but not that kind. I love the boxlessness I am, the negative-less-ness energy-less-ness, and I love the sharing. It’s different approaches, and none are ‘wrong’. 

 

“When someone offers you a gift which you refuse, to whom does the gift belong?”

-Buddha

 

Easiest way I am aware of to communicate in communion. If he or she’s not willing, it also works.

“Come back when you’re willing brother / sister, I’m here for ya, and so is a great, great love… but this banter, this day to day dragging out of suffering - it’s just not for me”. 

On 12/9/2022 at 12:09 PM, Lotus said:

 

When that person constantly wants to interfere with my life, and I want a life with less interference of that person, should I accept/allow that person to interfere, even when it's not what I want and when it's hurting me mentally? When it is draining me emotionally?

On a most practical note, people usually just communicate strong boundaries, and or move. On a most actual note, I thought I had a brother as well, and when I believed it seemed he got under my skin too. Now reality is seen as it is. 

 

On 12/9/2022 at 12:09 PM, Lotus said:

 

I seek distance from that person. Phil might say (idk) that it's the thoughts which don't feel good and which I should distance myself from. But when that rude talking person is like a jackhammer to my wellbeing, even if I try to accept/allow as much as I can, shouldn't I draw the line somewhere? For the sake of my wellbeing? When it's going on since months and years like this?

I would never suggest distancing yourself from thoughts. That’s trying to bend the spoon. 

If experience is framed as a rude person attacking my well being… that is what’s attempted to be accepted. If it doesn’t ‘fit’, resonate, it might not be in the acceptance or non acceptance, it might be the frame. 

 

Again though just for clarity in communication, there is nothing ‘wrong’ with drawing whatever lines & boundaries one wants. Far as I can see you’re in a win either way or both situation. 

[Lotus]

On 12/10/2022 at 2:41 PM, Phil said:

I wouldn’t accept any of it. It’s his / hers so to speak. Inherent in that framing is something going from him or her to you. As Willy Mother F’ing Wonka says, “Wait, stop - reverse that”.  Rather than some thing going from him or her to you, allow no thing 🤍 from you to ye, allowing What Is. 

 

And, draw lines wherever you want. There’s certainly nothing ‘wrong’ with boundaries. It’s a matter of approach. I as one will never draw lines or create boundaries, as I’ve found when I do I create a box for a myself with the very lines. I’ve boxed a myself in a nonexistent box and seen the futility first hand. I do love boxing, but not that kind. I love the boxlessness I am, the negative-less-ness energy-less-ness, and I love the sharing. It’s different approaches, and none are ‘wrong’. 

 

“When someone offers you a gift which you refuse, to whom does the gift belong?”

-Buddha

Yes, a conversation has finally been had. Not that it wasn't the first time telling that I need distance and am emotionally drained, but I guess this time I addressed it more concretely than before.

 

I thought so too, that I box myself in a nonexistent box when I create boundaries, when really, the root cause needs to be addressed. I also think that it isn't a proper long term solution/resolve. Not only that, but I see how it is conditional (esp. being emotionally drained) and not really free flowing. Yet, I'm a fan of meeting people where they're at. So I asked myself, why shouldn't I meet myself where I'm at and allow some distance? Makes even more sense when I think how it brings me out of a certain condition, thus allowing some space for the conditioned to empty. Kinda like a retreat.

 

On 12/10/2022 at 2:41 PM, Phil said:

On a most practical note, people usually just communicate strong boundaries, and or move. On a most actual note, I thought I had a brother as well, and when I believed it seemed he got under my skin too. Now reality is seen as it is.

We'll get there, eventually. 🙏

 

On 12/10/2022 at 2:41 PM, Phil said:

I would never suggest distancing yourself from thoughts. That’s trying to bend the spoon. 

If experience is framed as a rude person attacking my well being… that is what’s attempted to be accepted. If it doesn’t ‘fit’, resonate, it might not be in the acceptance or non acceptance, it might be the frame.

Yes, that's what I meant by distancing myself from the thoughts. Same as the frame, the thoughts don't resonate. Perhaps it's not distancing myself from thoughts, but listening even closer to the thoughts and the accompanied feeling? Not getting lost in the context of the thought, but listening to the feeling and taking action - e.g. allowing myself what feels better, in this case, distance?

 

What would be the difference between a frame and a thought? Isn't the thought creating the frame?

 

Anyways, thanks for your response!!

[Phil]

4 hours ago, Lotus said:

Perhaps it's not distancing myself from thoughts, but listening even closer to the thoughts and the accompanied feeling? Not getting lost in the context of the thought, but listening to the feeling and taking action - e.g. allowing myself what feels better, in this case, distance?

What would be the difference between a frame and a thought? Isn't the thought creating the frame?

I just meant the framing up as a rude talking person, vs just seeing what he’s going through or dealing with. Putting yourself in his shoes and seeing what he’s holding onto that’s so discordant. By all means get some space though! That gives him some space too. That was the ‘sitting with it’ aspect mentioned in that video. That works by default if either person involved does it. Hopefully they start expressing & letting whatever it is go soon. 🙏🏻 

[Lotus]

@Phil

 

Okay, gotcha. Literally never thought about how space for myself is also space for him. Feels good to think about it like that!

 

Now I remember why the distance I kept didn't really hold. Whenever I see my family member, I hear the following comment: "I didn't come to talk to you about topic XY because I didn't wanna bother/annoy you. [starts talking about topic XY]"

 

Because of hearing this remark, whenever I saw him, I had a guilty conscience and gave in. Emotional scaling or not, I can't help but feel bad when I hear this comment, and allow the distance to be broken. 😕

[Lotus]

I could never feel bad enough to make someone else feel good.