Omelette
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Posts posted by Omelette
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On 8/14/2022 at 8:05 PM, Mandy said:
Yes, sort of like working up the emotional scale, it helps to "start where you are" and appreciate small things directly in front of you. Or even just giving them your attention, and being more present does the trick. The way a deep breath feels is always great and always accessible. Don't force appreciation for something if it isn't there, for example don't force yourself to positively affirm how much you love you job after a blah day. Just appreciate what you can or drop thoughts that are doing other than that. It matters less what we appreciate than that we do.
Having confidence in life, and knowing that things are working out for us is far more fun and fulfilling that self confidence. That we love life and don't doubt our illusory selves is enough. Boredom is an emotion. There are no boring people. Doubt is also an emotion. We can doubt ourselves or others and call it unconfidence but really what it is is just life working out for us, an emotion in that moment guiding us away from thoughts that second guess a self that is assumed to be a concrete way.
There are still thoughts that come up about me being nervous, me messing up, rejection, all the fun other people are having. I logically know that if I get what I want, my mind will just move to something else and continue this entire pattern with another topic. Yet I still feel the urge to chase after and dwell on this topic.
I feel/think? anxiety and also a lack of excitement towards attending social events now. I am actively avoiding invites and people probably think I'm being an asshole because it's easier than saying how I really feel. Do you think shifting more to the present and what I want will help me find the spark for life again, is this just another thing to be pursued? or it is just a feeling in the present so its okay?
On 8/16/2022 at 9:25 PM, Phil said:Yes, absolutely.
Feeling more yourself pretty much helps with all goals.
Both. 🙂
If you find yourself you will not have questions about love.
My bad, I replied to a comment that wasn’t even to me.
Is it just "me" or actually just that thought coming up over complicating things? I read you mention across various resources across the site something along the lines of caring more about how you feel instead of figuring stuff out, being right, etc.? I remember the caring how you feel part at least
Some thoughts coming up while responding to these posts:
"This is just wishful thinking, I failed in the past and clearly I need to do something to change or else I would be getting results now."
"I should be using some sort of tactic or method to make me appear more confident to women"
"If I just sit here and move to the present moment, I'm doing nothing, I have limited time to improve and this is a waste of time"
"It isn't so simple as this"
Shift towards my breath all I need to do in any moment or situation. Not need to do because once I do it, I will get or avoid whatever the thought was about, but only because it feels good?
So if I have one of these thoughts and the thought "I want to watch a funny video of a monkey playing the guitar" comes up, which feels funnier and lighter, the best thing to do to feel good is to just shift focus to that thought or to breath?
And if I feel good, I will naturally get what I want more, but if I try to feel good only in hopes of getting what I want, I both wont feel good and wont get what I want (trying to cheat reality?)
I am also wondering about focusing more on what I want... imagine I have the thought
"You won't ever attract a very attractive woman"
instead it feels better to just think about what aspects would this imagined very attractive women have... is this what I "should" be thinking about, just because it feels better and I'm never going to get what the thought is about anyways?
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18 minutes ago, Phil said:
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Indeed. Pain is guidance, just like emotions.
All desire for things, all things which are desired, are the desire to know - to remember - to Be the Self, without the overlooking of Self - and the seeking of Self - in things.
Framing affirmations, even questioning if they will lead to material fulfillment… is an undermining of the only point of affirmations.
I can’t feel attached to I. (Not-two).
Yes, awesome… conditional happiness (activity of thought) doesn’t quite fit on unconditional happiness ( ).
Yes, exactly - these are in direct experience, just thoughts. That is what can be noticed.
And again, yes, exactly - there is no one which needs to become anything, including more confident.
Unconfidence isn’t a feeling… technically it isn’t even a word 😂. It is a thought, which as you said, does not resonate, with you.
While I agree with the described sentiment of the video… I don’t have a video by that title.
"Framing affirmations, even questioning if they will lead to material fulfillment… is an undermining of the only point of affirmations."
So, are affirmations "useless" if I want anything from them? If I say "I love you" in the mirror because I want to get happy, then in a way it is counteracting my goal? If I wake up and feel like I hate myself should I still say "I love you", or instead just point to something I actually love? If I find myself "trying" to love, instead just notice the thoughts and feelings of the one who thinks they are lacking love and wants to get more?
Oh and sorry for the mix ups lol, I noticed spell check acting funny on unconfidence, and also the video I am referring to is Mandy's
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I'll give my perspective as a part of the men who post here for sex advice:
To start, I've experienced women "using me" for sex. I don't think it's so straightforward as what you are saying about just asking a woman on a date. Anecdotally, I've met a woman at the club and hooked up. We kept in contact and I invited her out twice on an actual date and she declined. I thought she wasn't into me and just moved on essentially until she messaged me again at midnight to have sex. Some women like casual sex, and don't want to do dates.
For women it is a lot easier to get sex so there aren't posts about it. There are probably more women than men posting about struggling in long term relationships dealing with a dysfunctional partner. I also think that women in general have more social supports, a lot of us men who post in these forums don't have anyone to speak to about this stuff, so the internet becomes and outlet where our shameful thoughts get poured out.
I don't think it is a fair characterization to say it is manipulation for anyone to want to become more attractive to women simply for sex. I wouldn't call it manipulation for a woman to wear makeup, or for a women to get a mutual friend to introduce her to me because she is attracted. Women view men in the same shallow ways that men view women as well. There was a study that said a 5'6" man needs to make $175 000 more to be ranked as attractive as a 6" man. Both genders value each other for sex and their bodies.
In terms of the predator stuff and what you said in your most recent post about rape, I think you are really blowing things out of proportion. Do you really think that shy men who congregate on spiritual forums are more likely to be rapists then an average man? Most of us are here because we want to be desired by women and are upset because we aren't, if it was just sex everyone would hire a prostitute. I think sexual assault is horrific but we aren't the ones doing these crimes, we are just moping on the computer.
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I spent the day reflecting on these posts and noticed some things that make me feel optimistic
On 8/12/2022 at 9:59 PM, Phil said:It works, noted by that you feel better. That is the point of affirmations.
You can’t lie to yourself because you are yourself. That is what feels untrue, because it is…
… in discounting feeling, aversion from feeling to ‘the separate self’ of thoughts occurs. Not you, as in presence, but a thought story about a you. That is what shyness and emotional discomfort is. Suffering. All suffering is of the separate self, which is only the activity of thought. You, presence, does not and would not know what suffering is. Notice whenever there is suffering, there are thoughts about a separate self. Look for that self the thoughts are about. Point to it.
In believing life is against you, experience is as if life is against you. In judging, experience is of, or through the lens of, judgment.
Reality is not a separate thing, you are not a separate self. Reality is filtered through your mind like a movie projector, while you are faulting the movie. In thoughts, there is a subject & an object. In believing thoughts, you believe you are the subject and there are exterior objects. In reality there is not a subject or object. This is the root of the suffering. Essentially the believing thoughts.
Experience like paranoia or life conspiring against you are projections of the feeling of judgment / being judgmental… ‘out’ onto someone else, life or the world at large. To turn this around, just have sex in spite of the sprinklers. It’s probably quite liberating, and hot too I’d imagine. 😉
Yesterday I was carrying something and someone starting speaking to me, I became distracted, fell, and cut my leg. I instantly noticed my mind jumping to blame them, me no longer wanting to finish my task of carrying the object, etc. When I actually just felt it it went away almost immediately and wasn't bad at all, the pain created by believing blaming thoughts hurt far worse.
I think either 1: Positive affirmations will lead to more material fulfillment compared to negative or neutral affirmations, or 2: Positive affirmations will cause literally no difference in what I receive or don't receive in life, but if it feels better why wouldn't I want to feel better with all other factors in my life equalized?
Would you say that either of these are accurate, or there are other options?
I'm still having trouble with the idea "What should I do?". There is a belief that there is a me that should be doing something now. Whether that be saying I love you, meditating, etc, because I feel if I don't do these things, I will not get the good feelings and objects I want. Without this belief that I should be doing something, I don't know if the I will be there anymore, probably why I feel so attached to it.
On 8/12/2022 at 10:20 PM, Mandy said:Because when you don't care, you aren't suffering around them, and when you aren't suffering around them, they like you more. They feel more loved, more appreciated and more like throwing some or a lot of that back your way. When you care about someone you're willing to suffer for them and when you're willing to suffer for them, you aren't loving them. See how directly loving them, is also loving yourself? And loving yourself is also loving them? So just feel or tune into the love, and she will too. Could this not have been designed anymore PERFECT?! It's so direct it's not even designed at all.
Jesus said when we give, "don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing". Do the good stuff, but don't expect a damn thing back for it. Do it for that direct love, we talked about above. Just cause it feels good. When you're trying to do everything right, and get it all right you cut yourself off from freedom and self love, and the fun of chaotic spontaneity. When you're just letting everything go, it feels kinda great because you're letting stuff go, but you're not actually focused on pushing your boundaries, or doing what you want to be doing, so it also is kinda unsatisfying. Stop looking for "results from" and really open to the satisfaction in the moment. When we do this, substances and crap food tend to lose their appeal.
It's not that you do or don't have ability to do. I'm saying give your focus to the present moment. Seems I'm in control of my hands typing, I think words and then they get typed, more or less how I want, but in that utter presence of watching, feeling, there's really have no idea how that's happening. No amount of meditation will allow you to understand how that utter presence works any better, yet it's the only understanding we've ever known. You don't actually know that confusion is bad and is a sign of no progress being made. You just assume to know that. Question the knowledge you seem to have and that will be enough.
Yes, this clarifies it a lot. I think my "caring" is envisioning some future where I will achieve happiness, provided this person is with me.
In one of your videos, "Does Self Love Matter?" you brought up something I have been dealing with for years when I discovered all the self love side of spirituality.
Paraphrasing your video, making loving yourself something we have to do and criticizing yourself when you aren't doing this. Instead, the self love is already there and the process of self love is dropping the thoughts covering that love.
So is it more effective actually just noticing in this moment now what I feel love/gratitude for now, such as just noticing how I appreciate my pillow, rather than "seeking out" so to speak things that aren't happening now? I was trying to start with thought, just saying "I love ____" but not really feeling it and hoping the feelings will come once I say it enough.
When I go out to meet these people, I think that I may be boring or not confident. I'm assuming these are just thoughts to be noticed? Would it even make more sense to say there is anyone who needs to become more confident? Yet, in this moment there is the feeling of unconfidence coupled with the above thoughts.
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On 8/10/2022 at 3:15 PM, Mandy said:
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There's a lot of all kinds of content, the content on the internet and widely available is unprecedented growing exponentially. To add to that we have algorithms that show you more content like the content you last watched. So it seems like there is a ton of misogynistic content and that's true... but it's also just what is showing up for you on your feeds. If you want other content to show up, watch other content, you gotta break the loop, decide on what you want to watch and search for it.
You don't need to, but you want to. If you want love and intimacy with/from women, that intimacy and love has to happen seemingly from a distance first... another way to put it is that you want to show yourself how unconditional you are... that you don't need a woman to first deem you worthy but that you first know yourself to be worthy. You don't wait for someone to love you to feel loved, you just love. You don't give power to women that they don't ever have and then you also won't blame them for misusing it.
What you focus on becomes more. If you focus on eliminating the bad, rather than on what you want to keep and what you do want to grow, nourish and move toward, you'll never get rid of the bad, it will be and endless process. Even the question, "why are other people getting when I am not" is focusing on lack. Don't worry about what others are doing or not doing, just turn directly to the essence of what you want. Appreciate. And don't look back. I live in a rural area. I can focus on the lack of people and lack of resources and excitement or I can appreciate the quiet and natural beauty and I can plan and get excited about my next trip to the city. To be crass, you know the saying "don't shit where you eat"? Don't shit where you eat. Don't hate where you are. It's the very contrast that makes life so sweet. Water never is so refreshing as after a day working in the hot sun, food never do good after you haven't eaten in a while. Desire in and as itself is a beautiful sweet thing to relish. It becomes no different from dreaming. But it sucks and we know it when we add time to it, or when desire becomes a noticing of what we do NOT have. I can dream of making blueberry ice cream and plan the process of it, or I can sit here and feel like crap that there's nothing for dessert and feel stupid because I forgot to buy ice cream. See the difference? Appreciate the process. Get creative. Make the woman you're with next, (whether in bed with or in the room with) feel like a goddess, not just like a life preserver thrown to you in the ocean. You do this by seeing life as a whole as the Goddess, providing for you in every moment, with perfect timing. Maybe not the timing you think you'd like, but perfect nonetheless for your utmost fulfillment in all areas.
Control implies effort and resistance. Appreciating is a dropping of resistance. It's a letting things be as they are, you know this because to fully appreciate something feels really good, while to judge ourselves feels awful. The emotion is an indicator of resistance. So it isn't that you are controlling per se but consciously dropping the unnecessary effort, the way thoughts and beliefs are filtering the situation. Does that make sense?
If you say that and you FEEL it, and you MEAN it, it's going to have implications. If you say it and it's just kinda like "meh, random sounds in my head" it has implications, but it has "meh" implications. Pay more attention to the feeling, that's the very essence of the love/appreciation. You know it by how it feels.
Thanks again for responding to all those ideas. In terms of the blueberry pie thing, I think what brings me back to feeling like crap is why I seemingly can't control or influence this aspect of my life. For instance, in areas like friendships I seem to attract people which is great. Yet I see these friends with no apparent common denominator, a mix of fat, skinny, shy, outgoing, tall, etc., some are constantly in relationships. It's hard to appreciate because in a sense I feel slighted when rejected or simply when I don't seem to be attracting anyone. I am still doing what you warned against, the focusing on lack question 😅 . I don't even want to desire because in the past I very rarely get them, I feel like it's just setting myself up for failure. If I was daydreaming about blueberry pie for 3 years and still never got a slice then I would start to feel anger towards that pie
On appreciating, the women I attract have never been the ones I am very attracted to, only when I feel indifferent do they seem to be heavily involved. It seems like some magical phenomenon, that when I become more invested the woman becomes less interested. Sometimes there will be a woman I am really into that seems to be into me, but in these situations I have so many thoughts in my head that I ruin it, like "I won't be experienced/good enough for her", "I will mess something up and she will probably joke or gossip with her friends". I think this may be what has caused this negative cycle originally, I can't understand why people respond positively when I don't care about them as much.
In a while I'll be back in an environment with a lot of women, and I already find myself thinking up excuses to avoid going out. I used to have the mindset of, I should be rewarded for being "spiritually good". As in, after I meditate, read, say I love you enough times, I am getting angry because now I say "Where is the stuff I want, I did all the steps?". I tried the opposite approach, doing the "spiritually bad" stuff, neglect my body, use substances, poor nutrition, and my "results" so to speak from life seem to be equal. I don't know if one feels better or worse... this frustration has come from my past mindset, and now I don't know where to proceed.
On the section about control, I only sort of understand. What would you say are the "functions" of "I", as in what do I actually have the ability to do? If I am not in control of my thinking, I am not my thoughts, do I have the ability to consciously drop it? I think that if there's self love, I can't do anything or control it at all, it feels good but I can't control the state I'm in or what put me there? I don't know what I points to or what I am capable of doing, if anything. A combination of reading/watching spiritual stuff , meditation, and psychedelics left me more confused on this topic than I was before I started.
9 hours ago, Phil said:Welcome!
Thank you. So when I have tried to repeat positive affirmations, it doesn't seem effective. If I try to adopt a belief like "I attract many woman" nothing ends up changing. It feels better, but it's just lying to myself. One belief that I have developed is that I'm not good with women. This manifests as shyness and discomfort. But the belief came from many times when I did feel good and I didn't get what I wanted, so I lost hope.
There have been numerous occasions where it is like life conspires to stop me from having sex. Situations similar to the sprinklers going off in the room as soon as you are about to have sex, and she's moving away in a day so you won't see her again. I don't know why this happens, it's actually become slightly amusing on the positive side😄, but still confusing
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1 hour ago, Mandy said:
Everything is seen and interpreted through your emotion, and the worse it feels the more you are veiling how things really are. I might feel unworthy of having money and absolutely detest anyone who has it, not realizing that I'm working through my feelings of powerlessness by feeling hate and jealousy, blame, etc and moving up the emotional scale. The way I feel has nothing to do with the particular person I am focused on, it is already decided by me because of the thoughts I am entertaining or believing around the subject. So if I want someone to hire me or invest in my business, I'm going to already hate them and cut myself off from any opportunity unless I first address how I feel and believe about the subject. When I speak with investors or employers (if I even bother to meet with them) they won't trust me, they'll sense my discord about money and in turn about them. They will not feel inspired or good about investing in me or having a relationship with me.
Ok, so it's not about the rich people, it's about the emotion. What do we do about that?
Why do I want money? Because of how I think it would make me feel. I want freedom. I want to have more choices about where I travel and how, and I want to invest and share it with people that I love. I want the creative freedom that money would bring me. Does money buy love? Does money buy freedom? No, it feels bad to think so because these things are already inherently what I am, and it feels bad to think that I can't be creative or I can't be free because I don't have the amount of money I would like right now. I do however, want money because I want my inmost being to be aligned with my outer circumstances. I want money because of how it makes me feel and I can tap into that feeling now.
There are people who have a lot of money who are mistreat their employees, manipulate advertising and are irresponsible with the environment. When I focus on these people I feel bad. I think that I am "above" having money or too good of a person to have money, but that doesn't resonate. There are many people who are doing brilliant and healing things with an abundance of resources. When I focus on these people I feel really good. When I appreciate what they are doing I only see more and more people like this. I appreciate parks and land where people have donated valuable land so that everyone can enjoy it. I appreciate abundance wherever I see it and the more I see it the more I notice. I realize that the concept of ownership has nothing to do with true appreciation and the reason I want to own a lot of land is because I appreciate it. And there is nothing stopping me from doing that right now.
Why did I write this on an entirely different topic than the one you wrote about? Everything is seen and interpreted through your emotion, and the worse it feels the more you are veiling how things really are. The topic does not matter, the process is the same. It's all about how you are feeling.
There isn't such a thing as "women", but the topic "women" is simply your feelings now about the subject. Lots of men talk a lot about how they hate women and justify it, but hating women really means that you hate the way your thoughts feel about the subject. And realizing this, which you have, means you are already free. Don't look back. Just like you cannot attract money by hating rich people, you cannot attract women by hating women.
You can't think feeling, so directly feel it without thinking about why you shouldn't. This can happen through exercise, writing, speaking to someone, etc. You aren't a horrible person for feeling jealousy or anger or blame. We can't accept it and feel it if we are trying to push it away constantly. It's a lot like having a stomach flu and trying to make yourself vomit when you aren't ready. Wait for it to bubble up then don't hold back. There's really not much to do but allow, and if we haven't be allowing for most of our life, it seems strange at first even though it's most natural.
What women want, you are wanting. Women want to be appreciated and you want to appreciate women. You can do this right now. Start thinking about the things you love about a women, or watch an interview with a female musician you admire, or anything like that. When you see women, look for little things to appreciate, her smile, the way she walks, etc. Women would much rather be with a man who truly appreciates her than a man who has more money, better looks, higher status, etc. We would much rather take our clothes off in front of someone who loves and appreciates and is turned on by the female form in its many forms than someone who is set on evaluating his own worth based of his own judgement of how hot she is.
Thanks for the reply. I think the last part was interesting for me because it is something I haven't really considered. I've noticed that I will take action with some certain goal in mind, if I am successful it feels fleeting but if I fail then I get frustrated. I will try to start noticing my lack of appreciation.
Part of why I bring up how so much misogynistic content is mainstream now is because it really confuses me. It seems self defeating to just complain about problems with dating, but I guess I'm doing it too on here. Let alone how unrealistic and just hurtful a lot of content is... I like to imagine how my life would be as a woman and it makes me empathize a lot more. I think it's easier for me to say "Well, some of what they say makes sense, plus women did ________ to me so...." because I can push responsibility onto someone else. I even question how I develop some harmful beliefs because I haven't particularly had anything bad happen to me due to women.
What I don't understand is why I need to do anything though, as in, why do I need to appreciate women? In the sense that, why do I need to "do" anything to get what I want? That's what's confusing to me. I think just moving towards appreciation will help me feel better in all aspects of life, lately I've been more focused on trying to eliminate bad feelings. But why is it that other people seem to get certain things that I don't? Maybe they were already appreciating and that is why they are receiving?
I also like the point about focus in terms of how something like wealth can be used or misused. This is something that I have been wondering about. Who/what is controlling my focus? It's so confusing, if I do these sort of self inquiry along the lines of "who is doing ____", "who is feeling _____", I can't pinpoint anything. If there isn't a me, how can the me control focus? I am thinking that focus is happening in perception, so who can even control it if its just happening? If I get the thought right now that "I want to seriously commit to focusing on love, appreciating, etc.", what choice do I have if these are just random sounds in my head?
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There are quite a few posts that are similar to this. Quite frankly it feels bad to ask because I know there are a lot of women in this
community helping out, and possibly some may even come to try and help me on this post. Here are some beliefs/feelings I have around women:-
I judge women for choices they make in relationships and sex. I see many of them choose partners I deem "less than" me for various reasons, and I feel anger and jealousy
- I started viewing a lot of women as "stupid" because I think they choose partners based on emotional whims ( realistically I could say the same for men). I think this comes from a sense that I deserve them more
- I judge other men and also myself because I wonder why can they get what I don't have?
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I feel hopeless in relationships
- I don't know why I am not having success finding casual sexual partners. I don't know what isn't good enough about me and it is driving me insane. There is nothing physically wrong with me. I feel a lack of confidence though, I have become a lot more shy for no real reason the past few years. Sometimes I actively avoid women, not so much from fear but because of this hatred building up, I see no reason to be around them. I feel foolish when I am in this mood and a women acts kindly towards me, but I also believe that the woman does not care at all about me, only acting because society socializes women to be more cooperative.
- Sometimes I get the feeling like I should just completely disregard this part of life. It isn't like I will never find someone to have sex with or date, but the feelings of the whole dating process seem to cause me more grief compared to the reward of sex.
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I have to change to be successful with women
- I am not successful now, therefore to be successful I must do something like: be more confident, speak louder, improve body language and eye contact, go out more, etc, etc.
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Why even try in life?
- I wonder what am I working towards? I have these ideas in my head that even if/when I become successful with women, I just want to treat them how I feel that they treat me now. I feel that I am treated as expendable and dismissed, so I will feel justified in doing the same.
- This is only somewhat related, but in life sometimes I will do something like stop an addiction. I will go back sometimes because of the thought "Why does it matter if I'm addicted?". I don't feel like I can get what I want from life regardless, so it feels like a way of rebelling against the universe almost through the destruction of my body. Since I am not getting what I want, regardless of whether I meditate, lift, volunteer, eat healthy, etc., or drink alcohol in a dark room and eat chips all day, why should I even try? I feel bad regardless. This could probably be another entire forum post. I feel as though I have expended more effort than 95%+ of the people I'm around but achieve the same or less results, it just makes me want to give up. Why is something so simple like feeling good or having a sex life unavailable to me?
I really don't know what to do. I look at the scale for instance, I feel jealousy and the thought is "I am jealous because I am not getting sex". Now I just want the feeling and thought to go away, how do I express it?
I lost so many relationships because of this feeling of hatred... I simply ignored or blocked a lot of women because I think they are responsible for how I feel, and I am angry that I'm not getting what I want. I was never like this until I spent a lot of time alone during the pandemic and started reflecting on my relationships with women. I legitimately want to scream because of how frustrated this makes me. I ask myself am I seeking validation or sex, and it is a mix of both.
Regardless, I am making strides in many areas of life but regressing in relationships. I sometimes feel like I hate being around people now. I hate watching people have fun around me, yet I don't even want to join them because I judge them as stupid. Stuff like parties just makes me depressed now. I ignore invitations because I think I will not have fun anyways, these people don't care about me, the women around will just act a way I don't like, etc.
When a woman talks to me now I'm either feeling anxious and shy, or I feel anger so I just give blunt and short responses and try to end the conversation. If I were ever to even get a partner now I would probably end up leaving them or cheating on them just because I feel bad about myself. Yet, I think that I am lacking because I don't have said partner, so I continue feeling bad.
I wrote a lot but I'm mainly hoping for advice just overall to help get rid of these feelings and start attracting more women to my life. Every tool I have tried I must have been using wrong because this feeling has taken over.
There is a large rise of men making this sort of anti-women content. I think most of it is dumb to be honest, and I am guessing most followers are like me, frustrated men. Whether or not I tell myself "I love all women", "Some women are good, some are bad", "I hate all women", results are the same for me though. Guys recording themselves for an hour speaking about how much they hate women seem to be doing a lot better than me with them though, so maybe I'm the dumb one.
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I judge women for choices they make in relationships and sex. I see many of them choose partners I deem "less than" me for various reasons, and I feel anger and jealousy
Is chivalry dead?
in Friendship, Dating, Relationships, Family, Parenting & Sexuality
Posted
What is a good way to handle these conversations, and at what point?
For instance, in my mind I would think I am being rude if I was direct with my intentions to everyone.
To me it would be like going to lunch with a coworker and saying "In my free time I wouldn't choose to spend time with you, I'm only here because I have to work and interacting with you is slightly less boring than being alone".
I also would avoid it because I think it would be presumptuous to bring up sex before it has happened.
Let's say I'm on a date with a woman and have no intentions of any serious relationship. Do you think there's a difference between just not bringing up the topic, versus actively lying about it?
There have been times where I can tell a someone wants something more serious and I don't, in some cases I mostly wanted sex. I just avoid the topic. It certainly doesn't feel good, but it's justified by the thought that "I never agreed to or spoke about dating; if I wanted to date a women, I wouldn't be entitled to just because I want to, so neither is she"
I would also feel offended if I'm just enjoying time with a woman and she says "I only like having sex with you and want nothing more from our relationship", even if that was both how we felt.
This is all just how I have been socialized and I think the general ideas that most people in my area would have. I can definitely see how it's hurtful to directly lie but I am conflicted on the morality of being ambiguous with your intentions.
I also wouldn't know when to bring it up. I fear sounding needy if I told a woman I wanted a LTR after only a few dates. I fear sounding heartless and making the woman feel like a slut if I said I only want sex and nothing more when I only met her once or a few times.