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Desire to form and maintain relationships


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I feel like I lost the spark in relationships...

 

I have little motivation to form or maintain any relationships.

 

I still enjoy communication and socializing. It's just that these relationships are primarily built on proximity... I can have great conversations daily with someone if we just so happen to see each other for whatever reason.

 

Someone : "You want to come out to ___ tonight?"

My thoughts are:

 

"I will most likely have more fun at home"

(In many cases this is true, I like alone time)

 

"This person doesn't really care about me at all"

(I think this is true as well, of course there is a difference between an acquaintance and a friend you have known for decades. But I find myself mentally accusing both of them of not caring about me)

 

"If I speak to some women there, they won't like me anyways, it will be a waste of time"

(I think this is partially true, but I haven't had any intimacy or relationship in so long that I think there is no point in trying/ I think "trying" will repel it anyways/ I've been fine without it for so long, so it doesn't matter, I will just never date again)

 

I feel awkward coming up with excuses to avoid events so much... I would say the three thoughts above are the strongest forces in determining this.

 

I think I will have a bad time talking to women, so I will just avoid mixed-gender events a lot of the time. I am almost giving up on having any relationships or sex. Sometimes I wish I was gay because I think it's so much easier for me to understand men versus women... of course it's not a choice, so I try to just repress my attraction to women instead because it feels fruitless. I still avoid the single gender events because of the first two thoughts, that these people aren't even my friends, and I won't have fun. I feel like apart from familial bond, there is no incentive to form any relationships. I still do simply for ease of life, it makes it easier to get what I want with a network of connections.

 

 

Why am I posting this, what is the issue if I just don't want to interact?

- FEAR OF MISSING OUT

I fear that as I get older there will be less and less opportunities if I do want to go out and be social. I am turning down stuff every week and questioning if that is the right choice.

-FEAR OF FALLING BEHIND

I fear that my social skills are declining, I will never find a partner that I think is worth spending my life with, and I won't even find someone for a casual and fun relationship.

 

 

How can I get excited for socializing and putting myself out there? Why is there so much resistance to this?

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1 hour ago, Omelette said:

Why is there so much resistance to this?

Because the self you’re talking about doesn’t exist. The thoughts feel resistant to the self you actually are. The self which is infinite and it is no trouble whatsoever for, to be everything you want. Doubting yourself feels terrible for a very good reason. 

 

You never had the spark & can never lose the spark because you are the spark. You are the great feeling you are wanting. 

 

Let the contingencies which are pinching the love that you are off, go. That people have to care about you, like you, etc. Those are your contingencies to feel great, assured, capable. Let those go. Allow the spark to arise like it always does when unfettered. 

 

Instead of ‘I feel awkward’, express the actual emotion experienced, allow that insight & understanding. 

 

The incentive of relationships is the relationships. 

 

Stop making excuses, be brave and be honest. Stop turning things down because there might be less opportunity when you’re older. I’m older, there isn’t less opportunity. There is more means and more opportunity for socializing & connection now then there has ever been. There will only be more as you seem to get older. Wether or not you think old is always up to you. You aren’t actually aging at all. 

 

1 hour ago, Omelette said:

How can I get excited for socializing and putting myself out there?

By socialist & putting yourself out there and directly experiencing it isn’t like the thought at all. It’s exciting. 

You can also imagine it that way anytime you want, and you will feel the excitement. 

 

Watch Yes Man. 🤍

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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13 hours ago, Phil said:

Let the contingencies which are pinching the love that you are off, go. That people have to care about you, like you, etc. Those are your contingencies to feel great, assured, capable. Let those go.

 

Thank you, this makes sense. It's like a self imposed limitation  on myself. But how can I let this go, this seems like a much heavier belief, more ingrained.

 

For instance, I think if I go out: None of my "friends" will care if I'm there, no women will like me there.

If I drop beliefs about this, like stop caring if either of these are even true, why would I go out?

It seems bizarre now when I write it out and can see the beliefs I have... why would I only go out to try to get people to like me?

 

I imagine people not liking me and think why would I even want to be around them then? Or people are indifferent, and likewise why would I want to be around them? What am I supposed to do at a party? I "flow" a lot less now, I used to move around and do stuff a lot more. Now I just have some drinks, a few conversations, be a wallflower for 30 minutes, get bored and leave. I don't know how everyone seems to be enjoying so much...

 

I also have a tendency to avoid interactions with women. I will just end our conversation with them, give them boring answers, etc. I think this is because they are trying to manipulate me, mostly just for attention and boredom. It honestly gets me aggravated when a woman my age interacts with me in real life in a non-professional environment. I don't feel this way in general, only in in-person, recreational conversation. I think since most women do not like me and she is just going to tell me some nonsense for her own amusement, why even interact? I'm tired of "trying" anything... I wish I could turn off my sexuality... I think I would end up regretting something like chemical castration. I just don't want to care at all about dating anymore.

 

I feel more hatred towards men though. The thing is, there is nothing that I think is special that a man can give me, so I literally just don't care so much. If I hate men, get into fights, want to hurt them, it means nothing to me because I do not value them as much as women. Since women are the only ones who can fulfill my intimacy needs it feels much worse to not be with them.

 

Why is it easier for me to literally pull money out of my ass with the dream board, then to put my pee pee inside a woman's pee pee? How is this the one thing on my dream board that I didn't get? It makes me feel resentful, that I'm being "tested by God" or something, that I must not be meant to socialize now.

13 hours ago, Phil said:

Instead of ‘I feel awkward’, express the actual emotion experienced, allow that insight & understanding. 

 

Can expressing just be feeling into the body and taking breaths? How can I express in scenarios like walking down the sidewalk or something where I don't have time to journal or use any physical tools outside to express?

 

13 hours ago, Phil said:

There will only be more as you seem to get older.

 

This is good, I hope so. I always think of the chances I missed and it doesn't seem like there are more coming, just less so far.

 

 

13 hours ago, Phil said:

By socialist & putting yourself out there and directly experiencing it isn’t like the thought at all. It’s exciting. 

You can also imagine it that way anytime you want, and you will feel the excitement. 

 

Watch Yes Man. 🤍

 

The aversion is just stronger than any motivation to go out though. The thought "Maybe just go for a few hours, see if it's fun, who cares" is massively drowned out by the other thoughts I wrote in this thread. And when I go out with a mood like this it is bad regardless. To me, sitting in bed, smoking and maybe having a beer, sounds more enticing than going out with friends. I don't want it to be like this but it just is.

 

I read the synopsis for Yes Man and I wonder what my life would be like if I did that. I just don't know how long I could do it for before I go back to this old mindset, because it is deeply ingrained and taints almost all interactions I have.

 

I don't know what to do, just keep expressing/feeling the emotions until this all goes away?

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@Omelette just go to have fun, who cares if you'll have more fun at home, do that too some other time, who cares if they don't care about you, it doesn't matter, just have fun.

 

Don't care about dating, just go out with the women to have fun. I know that's getting old. I think you're focussed on judging yourself and others, which is pointless

 

My family and people I've bern around have all been super critical and unaccepting, and I get like that, of others and myself. It's bullshit, it's worthless, it's worse than worthless, you can appreciate everyone and everything and every situation, and you should cause the alternative is wasting that time being critical for no reason when you could be having fun being happy being joyful, living how you want. Screw all that judgement

Edited by Devin
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7 hours ago, Omelette said:

 

Thank you, this makes sense. It's like a self imposed limitation  on myself. But how can I let this go, this seems like a much heavier belief, more ingrained.

Letting go is recognizing thoughts are, thoughts. Basic meditation is ideal for some space around the thoughts, and then exploring the rest on the page. 

 

7 hours ago, Omelette said:

 

For instance, I think if I go out: None of my "friends" will care if I'm there, no women will like me there.

If I drop beliefs about this, like stop caring if either of these are even true, why would I go out?

For fun. 

 

7 hours ago, Omelette said:

It seems bizarre now when I write it out and can see the beliefs I have... why would I only go out to try to get people to like me?

For fun. 

 

7 hours ago, Omelette said:

 

I imagine people not liking me and think why would I even want to be around them then?

Why would you want to imagine what doesn’t feel good to you when alignment is always available & possible?

 

7 hours ago, Omelette said:

Or people are indifferent, and likewise why would I want to be around them? What am I supposed to do at a party? I "flow" a lot less now, I used to move around and do stuff a lot more. Now I just have some drinks, a few conversations, be a wallflower for 30 minutes, get bored and leave. I don't know how everyone seems to be enjoying so much...

It’d be readily clearer without focusing on other people and what they might think so much. A powerful way to do that naturally is not averting from what you want to create & experience in your life. It also naturally lifts your mood which makes you more sociable, and also gives you lots to talk about. 

 

7 hours ago, Omelette said:

 

I also have a tendency to avoid interactions with women. I will just end our conversation with them, give them boring answers, etc. I think this is because they are trying to manipulate me, mostly just for attention and boredom. It honestly gets me aggravated when a woman my age interacts with me in real life in a non-professional environment. I don't feel this way in general, only in in-person, recreational conversation. I think since most women do not like me and she is just going to tell me some nonsense for her own amusement, why even interact? I'm tired of "trying" anything... I wish I could turn off my sexuality... I think I would end up regretting something like chemical castration. I just don't want to care at all about dating anymore.

It’s the discordant thoughts you want to be without. Unfettering the true nature doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else. It can be helpful to notice the thoughts, beliefs & emotions you’re projecting onto people… you don’t actually know if it’s true. Definitely wouldn’t purse castration. I’d express & explore your sexual preference(s). It’s possible you’re orientation is gay but you’re judgmental / homophobic, and trying to suppress, when there’s nothing at all wrong with it. Not accusing or suggesting, but it seems like much is suppressed and being projected. 

 

7 hours ago, Omelette said:

 

I feel more hatred towards men though. The thing is, there is nothing that I think is special that a man can give me, so I literally just don't care so much. If I hate men, get into fights, want to hurt them, it means nothing to me because I do not value them as much as women. Since women are the only ones who can fulfill my intimacy needs it feels much worse to not be with them.

It does sound like you are attracted to men and suppressing this. Again there’s nothing wrong with this, if this is the case. It is not natural to hate. There is a reason you’re experiencing hatred towards men. I’d explore & express and see what that might be, to process it and dispel from any related suffering. 

 

7 hours ago, Omelette said:

 

Why is it easier for me to literally pull money out of my ass with the dream board, then to put my pee pee inside a woman's pee pee? How is this the one thing on my dream board that I didn't get? It makes me feel resentful, that I'm being "tested by God" or something, that I must not be meant to socialize now.

God is loving unconditionally. You are somehow testing yourself. It sounds like you’re exploring your sexuality, which is great imo. It’s not a black & white thing and can sometimes require much inner exploration & expression. 

 

7 hours ago, Omelette said:

Can expressing just be feeling into the body and taking breaths? How can I express in scenarios like walking down the sidewalk or something where I don't have time to journal or use any physical tools outside to express?

Express to God. God’s always present, interested, loving and listening. You can do this with just thoughts. Use the entire body as a receptor, like an antenna. Communion is delightful.  

 

7 hours ago, Omelette said:

This is good, I hope so. I always think of the chances I missed and it doesn't seem like there are more coming, just less so far.

That’s how the thought feels, not how the chances feel. 

 

7 hours ago, Omelette said:

The aversion is just stronger than any motivation to go out though. The thought "Maybe just go for a few hours, see if it's fun, who cares" is massively drowned out by the other thoughts I wrote in this thread. And when I go out with a mood like this it is bad regardless. To me, sitting in bed, smoking and maybe having a beer, sounds more enticing than going out with friends. I don't want it to be like this but it just is.

Be honest with yourself, so to speak. 

Feel into the sensations and feelings. As if you were trying to find exactly where they are in the body. 

There is no ‘way’ anything is like. There is how one thinks & believes things are like. 

 

7 hours ago, Omelette said:

 

I read the synopsis for Yes Man and I wonder what my life would be like if I did that. I just don't know how long I could do it for before I go back to this old mindset, because it is deeply ingrained and taints almost all interactions I have.

Thinking about the movie isn’t the same as watching it, like thinking about going out isn’t going out. 

The rumination is likely indicative of the aversion from feeling & from creating what you want in your life. If you haven’t, I highly recommend creating a dreamboard

 

7 hours ago, Omelette said:

 

I don't know what to do, just keep expressing/feeling the emotions until this all goes away?

What you resist persists. If your intention is for feeling & emotion to go away, that is aversion. That’s suffering. When you feel into feeling and express emotions, there is no more suffering. Self-honestly is very key. 

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19 hours ago, Devin said:

just go to have fun, who cares if you'll have more fun at home, do that too some other time, who cares if they don't care about you, it doesn't matter, just have fun.

 

Don't care about dating, just go out with the women to have fun.

 

Thanks bro, yeah I am probably spending so much time thinking rather than just enjoying these events and actually having fun. Sometimes it is tough to get past the belief that it won't be fun, and I look for excuses to why it's not fun.

 

17 hours ago, Phil said:

Why would you want to imagine what doesn’t feel good to you when alignment is always available & possible?

 

I think the conflict is between me believing there is some sort of objective "way it is" to life... and the thought that my thoughts should accurately reflect it. Versus thinking about what feels good will make it a different way.

 

When I think about what feels good, there is some underlying need for manipulation... I am only trying to feel good to get what I want, and sometimes I would rather get what I want than feel good.

 

 

18 hours ago, Phil said:

Definitely wouldn’t purse castration. I’d express & explore your sexual preference(s). It’s possible you’re orientation is gay but you’re judgmental / homophobic, and trying to suppress, when there’s nothing at all wrong with it. Not accusing or suggesting, but it seems like much is suppressed and being projected.

 

It's so painful to me how much I want to be around women. Sometimes I really wish I could feel that attraction towards men, because it seems like gay guys have a lot more sex and casual relationships.

18 hours ago, Phil said:

It does sound like you are attracted to men and suppressing this. Again there’s nothing wrong with this, if this is the case. It is not natural to hate. There is a reason you’re experiencing hatred towards men. I’d explore & express and see what that might be, to process it and dispel from any related suffering. 

 

I hate men because I feel that males are responsible for much more of the heinous things I see around the world, like violence, sexual abuse, war, slavery, torture. Of course women play a part, but I think a much larger portion of suffering in this world is caused by men. I also use hate sort of recklessly... I would say more, I hold a general negative outlook and cynical view towards humans. The thing is, with men, this plays a much smaller role in my life. The reason why is because I don't want anything from them. Male companionship mainly offers me entertainment which I can do by myself.

 

It is the pain of not having any sort of sex, intimacy, relationships, at all which is why I struggle more with women. It'd be one thing if I lived in a conservative country where premarital sex just didn't happen. Instead, I am in a liberal country and around many women every day. I never had to "try" to make friends... I just do stuff and naturally I meet other guys there that are my friends. I don't experience the same in dating. It pains me that I don't have that magnetic pull that I can just have sexual relationships form naturally. That's why I think being gay sounds easier. And why sometimes I wish I just had no sexual urge at all. I just don't have desire to have sex, cuddle, etc., with a man, I don't really see any problem with doing it. I probably would be doing that now and not posting here 😂

 

Another part is that I see people around me enjoy this every day. Go out, no anxiety just talking to everyone, having fun with attractive women, being able to have sex or enter a relationship most of the time they want to. I wouldn't say it's common, but there is definitely a portion of men who live like this. I see no common thing between them, all different races, builds, extroversion or introversion, looks, etc. and they don't struggle. So that means I must be the issue. To be honest, it feels like a core rejection of everything that defines me, like something is fundamentally wrong or else I would do better in my dating life.

 

18 hours ago, Phil said:

Express to God. God’s always present, interested, loving and listening. You can do this with just thoughts. Use the entire body as a receptor, like an antenna. Communion is delightful.

 

So for instance when I have thoughts about being nervous, how can I express that? Just think "this is the emotion nervous"? It feels easy when there is a good feeling but I get caught in some other ones

 

18 hours ago, Phil said:

Feel into the sensations and feelings. As if you were trying to find exactly where they are in the body. 

 

Okay, this makes sense. Is this like a "practice" that can/should be done at all times if my aim is to reduce suffering?

 

18 hours ago, Phil said:

The rumination is likely indicative of the aversion from feeling & from creating what you want in your life. If you haven’t, I highly recommend creating a dreamboard.

 

I was thinking about making another one, I'm gonna order a whiteboard. I already know I'm getting everything I want though, it's strange but I feel fairly confident in that, in every area except dating. It is where I feel the least abundance, and I even feel hesitant putting it on my dream board because I didn't get it when I did before. When I first did it, I was mainly looking for validation from women, even more than an actual relationship. But regardless I didn't get any validation either

 

18 hours ago, Phil said:

What you resist persists. If your intention is for feeling & emotion to go away, that is aversion. That’s suffering. When you feel into feeling and express emotions, there is no more suffering

 

Does this go both ways though?

As in, the only reason I even consider feeling into and expressing emotions is for them to go away, as in, I think they are causing the suffering.

If I was getting my hand cut off but felt bliss, it would feel like bliss.

So, when I feel bad, the bad feeling is responsible for me feeling bad 😂 (it's so strange trying to communicate about what I mean, I don't know if what I'm saying is clear at all)

 

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2 hours ago, Omelette said:

I think the conflict is between me believing there is some sort of objective "way it is" to life... and the thought that my thoughts should accurately reflect it. Versus thinking about what feels good will make it a different way.

Imo that is a major realization. Milk the insight-bejesus out of it. Essentially that’s the direct recognition of conditioning. 

I thought stress / pressure / responsibility were indicative of reality or an objective ‘way it is’. Had no idea it was the way I was thinkin so to speak. Even that I was thinkin was conditioning apparently.  

 

2 hours ago, Omelette said:

 

When I think about what feels good, there is some underlying need for manipulation... I am only trying to feel good to get what I want, and sometimes I would rather get what I want than feel good.

Is there anything you want… which doesn’t feel good? 

 

2 hours ago, Omelette said:

Thanks bro, yeah I am probably spending so much time thinking rather than just enjoying these events and actually having fun. Sometimes it is tough to get past the belief that it won't be fun, and I look for excuses to why it's not fun.

A million times, yes. 🙂

2 hours ago, Omelette said:

It's so painful to me how much I want to be around women. Sometimes I really wish I could feel that attraction towards men, because it seems like gay guys have a lot more sex and casual relationships.

That probably has a lot to do with the thinking that good feeling is a product of getting or experiencing something. 

 

2 hours ago, Omelette said:

I hate men because I feel that males are responsible for much more of the heinous things I see around the world, like violence, sexual abuse, war, slavery, torture. Of course women play a part, but I think a much larger portion of suffering in this world is caused by men. I also use hate sort of recklessly... I would say more, I hold a general negative outlook and cynical view towards humans.

It seems that way here as well. Only compassion / breaking the cycles will bring about the change though. (Imo)

 

2 hours ago, Omelette said:

The thing is, with men, this plays a much smaller role in my life. The reason why is because I don't want anything from them. Male companionship mainly offers me entertainment which I can do by myself.

Awe come on lol! Tons of fun to be experienced with guys. 

 

2 hours ago, Omelette said:

 

It is the pain of not having any sort of sex, intimacy, relationships, at all which is why I struggle more with women. It'd be one thing if I lived in a conservative country where premarital sex just didn't happen. Instead, I am in a liberal country and around many women every day. I never had to "try" to make friends... I just do stuff and naturally I meet other guys there that are my friends. I don't experience the same in dating. It pains me that I don't have that magnetic pull that I can just have sexual relationships form naturally. That's why I think being gay sounds easier. And why sometimes I wish I just had no sexual urge at all. I just don't have desire to have sex, cuddle, etc., with a man, I don't really see any problem with doing it. I probably would be doing that now and not posting here 😂

One major perk of hanging out with guys is you end up meeting way more females, way more easily. 

 

2 hours ago, Omelette said:

 

Another part is that I see people around me enjoy this every day. Go out, no anxiety just talking to everyone, having fun with attractive women, being able to have sex or enter a relationship most of the time they want to. I wouldn't say it's common, but there is definitely a portion of men who live like this. I see no common thing between them, all different races, builds, extroversion or introversion, looks, etc. and they don't struggle. So that means I must be the issue. To be honest, it feels like a core rejection of everything that defines me, like something is fundamentally wrong or else I would do better in my dating life.

Gotta self-love. You are not the issue. It’s not really about the ladies, or anyone else either. It’s (imo) really about aligning thought with feeling.

I would bet that 99% of the time that ‘common link’ is current relationship & healthiness of, with mum.

 

2 hours ago, Omelette said:

So for instance when I have thoughts about being nervous, how can I express that? Just think "this is the emotion nervous"? It feels easy when there is a good feeling but I get caught in some other ones

I would use the emotional scale. Anxious isn’t on there. Anxious is sort of a concept which cover ups up understanding and receiving insights & the guidance of emotion. Like anxiety, or depression. (Also there is an exceptional to every rule). 

 

Also… the ‘separate self’ of thought. In thought content, there is one who is nervous and one who gets caught up in. But this ‘one’ is never actually present. Always the content of thought about a self in a past or future.

 

2 hours ago, Omelette said:

Okay, this makes sense. Is this like a "practice" that can/should be done at all times if my aim is to reduce suffering?

YES. It will eradicate suffering entirely. Non-aversion. Also, any rumination will cease, and experientially there will be more focus, concentration, relaxation & natural confidence.

 

2 hours ago, Omelette said:

I was thinking about making another one, I'm gonna order a whiteboard. I already know I'm getting everything I want though, it's strange but I feel fairly confident in that, in every area except dating. It is where I feel the least abundance, and I even feel hesitant putting it on my dream board because I didn't get it when I did before. When I first did it, I was mainly looking for validation from women, even more than an actual relationship. But regardless I didn't get any validation either

Connect those dots… there was aversion. So now create a dreamboard, and couple it with non-aversion… also using the emotional scale.

 

2 hours ago, Omelette said:

Does this go both ways though?

As in, the only reason I even consider feeling into and expressing emotions is for them to go away, as in, I think they are causing the suffering.

If I was getting my hand cut off but felt bliss, it would feel like bliss.

So, when I feel bad, the bad feeling is responsible for me feeling bad 😂 (it's so strange trying to communicate about what I mean, I don't know if what I'm saying is clear at all)

No. There is no such thing as bad feeling. There are only thoughts which seem to make it so. Emotion is literal visceral guidance to what you want. More technically, to the allowing the receiving of what you want. Not to be preachy, but I’d really milk that one as well. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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On 10/13/2022 at 4:01 PM, Phil said:

Is there anything you want… which doesn’t feel good?

What I want feels good, the fact that I will never get it doesn't. Of course, when I say "the fact" it's not really the case, there is always a possibility, it's just some things I know will not happen. If I want to take the Finnish PM Sanna Marin out on a date and afterwards bring her back to my place, which I truly and genuinely do want to, I know it will never happen. Not only is she married, but it's incredibly unlikely that our paths cross any time in the next few years, and even if we do she may just not be interested in me.

 

This feels awful that I have these desires that will never ever be fulfilled. This was a pretty bizarre example but I feel the same for even much more achievable things, just think of the pretty girl walking down the street that I'll never see again but desire to connect with. I want this but it doesn't feel good. I will never get this so I don't know why it is desired. It's why sometimes a complete elimination of sexuality sounds appealing to me, such as castration.

 

On 10/13/2022 at 4:01 PM, Phil said:

Gotta self-love. You are not the issue. It’s not really about the ladies, or anyone else either. It’s (imo) really about aligning thought with feeling.

I would bet that 99% of the time that ‘common link’ is current relationship & healthiness of, with mum.

 

Why though? Why can I get other things that I want without self love? And I see friends with depression, poor hygiene, etc,. clearly not self loving and still having a more fruitful dating life.

 

Tonight I will turn down another invitation to join a group going out to drink. I will say I have too much work, which is true, but it's definitely possible to allocate my time more efficiently and still have time to go out drinking if I want to. My thoughts are : "I don't want to go with ____ (some girls)" (partially because I dislike their personality but more so just from the aversion I've been talking about. Thinking logically if my goal is to meet women then it will probably be easier with the social approval from already being around other women), " Why would I waste my time and money, what am I going to get out of it?". How do I align these thoughts with feeling? I can sort of drop the thought by just focusing on anything else, but nothing changed, next time I get an invitation I still feel the same.

 

I don't know what you mean by the bottom line there, that the relationship with my mother is the source of this? I have a better than average relationship with my mother, so I don't think it's that.

 

On 10/13/2022 at 4:01 PM, Phil said:

That probably has a lot to do with the thinking that good feeling is a product of getting or experiencing something. 

 

It's like I'm mentally stuck on this. If I wake up tomorrow with 5 dates lined up, I don't have any expectation of everlasting happiness, I just don't understand why it isn't coming. Why are all these methods, verging from the most "typical"/"non-spiritual" advice possible, to stuff borderlining on schizophrenia, none work.

 

If I book a trip to Portugal, I don't expect my life to change drastically, I just think it is cool and fun. If it gets cancelled I will be sad but move on.

I book the trip again and it gets cancelled again, now I'm kind of fed up, but again it's fine, I have an idea and will do it better next time.

Now I book the trip with a group, we all get tickets together, and on the day we leave my ticket is somehow missing. This is ridiculous now, how is mine the only one lost?

Fuck it, I still want to go to Portugal. I'm tired of messing up, I will go to a travel agent. I find a travel agent who organizes the entire trip for me and it seems great. They specialize in Portugal so I know it will be done right this time. I leave and go back to pay another day, but it turns out they became ill and are in the hospital, and all the data is inaccessible for now. So the trip won't be going on.

 

At some point I'm going to say, "FUCK PORTUGAL I HATE YOU SO MUCH PORTUGAL... WHY DOES EVERYONE ELSE GET TO GO TO PORTUGAL EXCEPT ME..." I never even wanted to go so badly in the first place, it is just confusing why. Then I say: "It must be my fault, maybe I'm not good enough for Portugal? If I am never allowed to travel then why even live?" Then make up stories like: "I never wanted Portugal anyways, I don't even care about it, the entire country means nothing at all to me. I will never be around Portugal or any Portuguese people for the rest of my life."

 

Where's my ticket?

 

In reality, there has been limited action taken by me in the world to actually move towards this. I have barely spoken to any women in the past year, but I think this is a symptom, not a cause.

 

On 10/13/2022 at 4:01 PM, Phil said:

YES. It will eradicate suffering entirely. Non-aversion. Also, any rumination will cease, and experientially there will be more focus, concentration, relaxation & natural confidence.

 

I've been doing this recently and it seems to work in the sense that stories about feeling bad, down, sad are terminated before going too long, mild discomfort emotions are no longer really feeling like discomfort for now at least.

 

On 10/13/2022 at 4:01 PM, Phil said:

Connect those dots… there was aversion. So now create a dreamboard, and couple it with non-aversion… also using the emotional scale.

 

Mine showed up today, I'm excited to make it

On 10/13/2022 at 4:01 PM, Phil said:

Emotion is literal visceral guidance to what you want. More technically, to the allowing the receiving of what you want.

Can you clarify this please? Like the mechanism of how this is happening? I wake up and feel overwhelmed. I think "I have so much to do today. What if I mess it up, don't perform as well as I want, etc.". I browse social media and emotion drops to disappointment and I think "Why don't I get to be with any of these beautiful women". Then I keep scrolling and see stuff like stories about poor relationships, more pictures of attractive women, etc. Now I feel doubt and think "Wow, so many people get hurt in relationships. I wonder if I can ever commit to one, I will always have to have my guard up." and "I won't ever be in a position to date any of these women anyways. I doubt I'll be successful in dating, I doubt they would actually care about me even if we did date"

 

So what I am wondering is what part did emotion play in this? What was my guidance telling me, to just shut off the phone and do something else?

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16 minutes ago, Phil said:

What is it that you want, and scientifically speaking, how is feeling coming from it to you?

That “fact” is a thought. How does that thought feel? 

 

I want to take the Finnish PM on a date

 

I guess science would say that some mixture of chemicals will be released from gaining validation, sexual stimulation, that feel pleasurable?

 

From the thought of wanting, I don't know how feeling  comes from it. It seems like feeling is always here, as opposed to sensation on the physical body. Does feeling come from thought? Idk I don't think so but they feel related. Same thought feels different in different moments

 

The thought feels bad, sad, disappointing, uncomfortable. I think it feels like this because I think I am limited, certain experiences will elude me because of things like environmental factors. and thinking that feels the same, bad, etc.

 

Thinking yes I can, it's all coming true, etc. feels better.

 

Then I think how unrealistic it is, that it wont happen, setting myself up for disappointment, etc.  which feels bad.

Think it is not grounded in reality to hold such improbable and lofty goals like not only meeting a world leader and being able to speak personally, but having her choose me over her husband as well. I think it is delusional and arrogant for me to believe such things; certainly it is possible but the stars would have to align.

Also feels blame,doubt,disappoint,worry,jealous,unworthiness when thinking that.

 

 

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On 10/15/2022 at 3:45 PM, Omelette said:

 

I want to take the Finnish PM on a date

 

I guess science would say that some mixture of chemicals will be released from gaining validation, sexual stimulation, that feel pleasurable?

That what you really want? To take a married woman on a date so you can feel validation?

 

On 10/15/2022 at 3:45 PM, Omelette said:

 

From the thought of wanting, I don't know how feeling  comes from it. It seems like feeling is always here, as opposed to sensation on the physical body. Does feeling come from thought? Idk I don't think so but they feel related. Same thought feels different in different moments

 

The thought feels bad, sad, disappointing, uncomfortable. I think it feels like this because I think I am limited, certain experiences will elude me because of things like environmental factors. and thinking that feels the same, bad, etc.

 

Thinking yes I can, it's all coming true, etc. feels better.

 

Then I think how unrealistic it is, that it wont happen, setting myself up for disappointment, etc.  which feels bad.

Think it is not grounded in reality to hold such improbable and lofty goals like not only meeting a world leader and being able to speak personally, but having her choose me over her husband as well. I think it is delusional and arrogant for me to believe such things; certainly it is possible but the stars would have to align.

Also feels blame,doubt,disappoint,worry,jealous,unworthiness when thinking that.

 

 

Yes, exactly. 

Make a dreamboard, let these thoughts about dating married women go, and write what you actually do want. 

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On 10/17/2022 at 7:34 AM, Phil said:

That what you really want? To take a married woman on a date so you can feel validation?

 

The main reason I thought of bringing it up was because it seems unreal to me in the first place, yet it sounds enjoyable.It's like if I was the world's best table tennis player, do I want this from the bottom of my heart? No. But if I woke up tomorrow and it was true, I think I would like it more than dislike it.

 

I'm wondering what are these restrictions or limitations on the dream board?

For someone like her husband, he sees her every day, of course this will happen if it is on his dream board. What if an old lover from college who still occasionally runs into her for whatever reason puts it down, is it possible? What about someone from an uncontacted tribe in the Amazon, imagine he sees a picture of her and wants to date her?

 

On 10/17/2022 at 7:34 AM, Phil said:

Make a dreamboard, let these thoughts about dating married women go, and write what you actually do want.

 

How do I know if I I don't want it, or I'm just anxious about it?

 

I think I'd like to go hiking but I am afraid of being attacked by a junkie on the trail.

 

 

 

Can a specific person go on the dream board?

Can personality traits like confidence, humor, extroversion be put on the dream board?

Can abstractions like safety (i.e. safety from random events like being a crime victim, natural disasters, car crash) go on the dream board?

 

 

On 10/17/2022 at 8:22 AM, Phil said:

This is genius, do this. 

 

 

What behavior should I apply it to? Thinking?

 

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2 hours ago, Omelette said:

I'm wondering what are these restrictions or limitations on the dream board?

Have you created one yet?

 

2 hours ago, Omelette said:

For someone like her husband, he sees her every day, of course this will happen if it is on his dream board. What if an old lover from college who still occasionally runs into her for whatever reason puts it down, is it possible?

Yes, and she’s creating as well. 
 

2 hours ago, Omelette said:

What about someone from an uncontacted tribe in the Amazon, imagine he sees a picture of her and wants to date her?

You can’t attract for others. 

What do actually want, and feel is realistic for you to experience? 
 

2 hours ago, Omelette said:

How do I know if I I don't want it, or I'm just anxious about it?

The confusion is believing you’re anxious (about it). If you ‘feel anxiety’, notice that is a thought, and use the scale to express and release the emotion you are experiencing, and continue up the scale. 

 

2 hours ago, Omelette said:

I think I'd like to go hiking but I am afraid of being attacked by a junkie on the trail.

Attempt to point to the ‘you’ which you are saying is afraid. Then use the scale to express the emotion you are experiencing, and finish the scale. 
 

2 hours ago, Omelette said:

Can a specific person go on the dream board?

Yes. But keep in mind they’re creating too. 
 

2 hours ago, Omelette said:

Can personality traits like confidence, humor, extroversion be put on the dream board?

Yes. 
 

2 hours ago, Omelette said:

Can abstractions like safety (i.e. safety from random events like being a crime victim, natural disasters, car crash) go on the dream board?

Yes, but write what you want on the board, not what you don’t want. 

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On 10/18/2022 at 4:46 PM, Phil said:

Have you created one yet?

 

At the time I didn't. Writing it helped to clarify what I actually want now.

 

On 10/18/2022 at 4:46 PM, Phil said:

Attempt to point to the ‘you’ which you are saying is afraid. Then use the scale to express the emotion you are experiencing, and finish the scale. 

 

I initially thought, "It's the body that's afraid of course", but the body is not afraid, there is a thought about an I being the body and that I being afraid on behalf of the body. So strange 🤣

 

 

Thank you

 

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5 hours ago, Omelette said:

 

At the time I didn't. Writing it helped to clarify what I actually want now.

Isn’t it awesome how that works!?

 

5 hours ago, Omelette said:

I initially thought, "It's the body that's afraid of course", but the body is not afraid, there is a thought about an I being the body and that I being afraid on behalf of the body. So strange 🤣

Indeed. 🤍

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