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I have been feeling so good the last few days being more aligned with what I want. I saw this girl for the third time on Wednesday I believe. We had sex around three times and she was very interested in me to begin with. When she came over to mine on Wednesday, she stayed the night, we had sex but the whole time, I was deeply afraid. Afraid of expressing myself, the fear of judgement when I was around her. 


It is such a shame because if that fear was not there, we would of gotten on so well, we seemed to be interested in similar stuff and I really actually liked her but of course I did not not say that because of fear. She opened my eyes to what I want. I want a girlfriend. Even just certain things she said to me really changed my perspective and almost brought me out of the rut that I was living in but she does not know that. I was really excited to meet her for the 4th time and I asked her when she's free. She said she would let me know last night. I woke up at 5 in the morning to start my day and proceed on what business I want to do. I did not check my phone until 1pm because I want to do focused work and she said to be honest, she just wants time by herself and rejecting me in a nice way. 


I feel like crying writing this because, well she opened my eyes and I was so hoping to see her again and really try to get more comfortable expressing myself. It sucks because when I was with her, she kept on saying how funny I was etc... when I looked at the message on my phone, it completely shifted my attention on thoughts to feeling worthless and unlovable. Before that in the morning I was doing loads of work on my business. 


What she said to me initiated a deep yearning to follow what I truly want and to more listen to my own emotions. 


Perhaps it is another lesson for me, who knows. I get a deep fear after seeing a girl for 3 times because in the past they usually rejected me. Upwards of around 7-10 girls now. Been on around 40 dates and 90% of the girls don;t want to talk to me after. Creates all these unwanted and limiting beliefs about myself and afraid to express myself. Of being judged. 


What's worse is having a girl sleep with you and reject you. 


This rejection seems to hurt less than the others though which is somewhat positive. My mind does feel in chaos though, constantly judging whatever I say as if I should say it. 


Do I message her back and explain how she made me feel? nothing much to lose, right? or should I just let her go and not express myself. 


My mind asks so many questions all the time instead of just being. 


Kind of feel like giving up with women but I know I want a girlfriend now. 


Just emotionally challenging, dealing with all these rejections. Makes me more fearful in the future. Anyway time to try and work on my business.. Hopefully I won't keep thinking about this. 


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There is preference. There are girls you prefer to spend time with and girls you don’t prefer to spend time with. Girls also experience preference. Some girls will prefer to spend time with you and some will not. 


If you judge someone as not good enough as they are, you feel the judgmental thoughts. If a girl judges you as not good enough as you are, she feels the judgmental thoughts. 


There is no reason to fear the judgmental thoughts of another, as you won’t feel them. 

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