Fear of judgments

[Winter]

When I look at my past and relatively recent behavior, I see so much struggles to avoid judgments. Not only do I fear the judgment of others, I anticipate what they might think and I judge myself based on my anticipations rather than what they actually think, as a way of "preventing" their judgments. No matter what my behavior is, I will assume everyone will secretly judge all the mistakes I do in my behavior but not say anything.

Actually, this issue was the reason I started self-help in the first place. The very first self-help material I consumed was Leo's video about "Not caring what others think" which essentially advice you to internally say an affirmation "I am fully independent of what others think". While this wasn't bad advice it only got me so far. What makes someone obsessively concerned about judgements? Why can't I live my life without imagining and fearing criticism?

Trivial answer:
"That you are concerned about judgements is just an idea you have about youself, in reality you aren't that person who fears judgement." While this answer is trivially true it doesn't really feel good or fit the jigsaw puzzle. Looking for new perspectives here, because the one I got isn't really working.

[Phil]

If I believe others are judging, there is discord, and I call that fear. 

If I recognize I am judging others in regard to what they may or may not be thinking, I feel relief. 

If I recognize it seems some people are not judging at all, I want to feel that way. 

In this recognition of jealousy, I feel more relief. 

If I know that some anger, hatred & blame may arise in this recognition, I am feeling unfettered, as I am letting it go & expressing. 

When I recognize how having projected judgement was only… projecting judgement… and how I called that experience fear… it makes great sense that’s how I end up experiencing discouragement. It wasn’t per se, working. 

These emotions are discordant. Not indicative of the love I am. I learned it. I willingly express blame for this conditioning. 

I recognize this as the experience of worry, and that if I can do something (not judge) then there is no use worrying. If I can not do something (control anyone’s opinion) then there is no use worrying. 

I’m not even sure, as I reflect on this, that I even want to control anyone’s opinion. 

I might doubt this  is within my power to do. To let any judgements go. That is ok. I’m going to be more forgiving, being mindful of self-love. 

I might do it again, and I might experience disappointment in doing so. That’s ok too. Love is far greater. 

I might even feel overwhelment. But I won’t resist. I’ll relax and receive the guidance. 

Maybe even frustration, irritation and impatience. But I will breathe, relax, ground, focus on feeling & perception. Maybe take a walk. 

I might experience pessimistic thoughts… that I’ll continue believing judgmental thoughts, and continue judging & feeling this discord. 

I might also just - do nothing. Be bored. Really just relax and let it all go. Zero pressure or expectations. Pure boredom. 

Which feels much better than pessimism or any emotions below pessimism. 

In letting it go, I feel the peace that I am. I experience contentment. 

Like a  cork let go in water, the true nature I am floats. Hopefulness naturally arises and is felt. 

Solutions arise. Insights arise. Great feeling ideas arise. This is the true nature. Creator-creating-creation. 🤍

I continue to let discordant thoughts go if & when they arise. Whereas before I focused on them, and didn’t recognize the discord as clearly; now, I understand I’m feeling my thoughts, and others are feeling theirs, and this make sense. This is liberating. 

In this recognition & understanding, I’m experiencing not only enthusiasm, eagerness & happiness - but also empathy & compassion. 

I’m writing these insights, solutions and great feeling ideas on my dreamboard. I’m seeing from a different vantage point than before. I’m feeling passion, seeing these dots connect, feeling source, liking this ‘communion’ situation, creation, appreciating the guidance of emotions, relishing in the thrill of it. 

Much joy, appreciation, empowerment & freedom are felt. 

The universe, my place and my way, and the truth of the infinite unconditional love that I am, is making sense. 

Whereas I once saw others, judgement & projected, now, I understand they feel discord and alignment, and this guidance too. 

I now feel that their judgement isn’t really my business. Their thoughts, discord & alignment, are naturally, inherently private. 

And we are all in this together.