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Decided to go out last night to practice pickup/game and of course I did not enjoy it whatsoever. Found myself judging others a lot of the time. I would approach and say hey to women but after the approach I would become so stifled. My mind was just wanting to run away from her while I said hey. Like I did not even want to be a part of this conversation. That was most of my approaches. I find it so hard conversing with girls. I don't understand why they make everything so challenging. Why does everyone hide behind these walls. A lot of the time I was just trying to speak. I felt very stifled in social settings though. Did not know what to say or talk about. How to escalate things forward in a sexual way is probably my biggest obstacle. Most approaches were just friendship dynamics. I am scared of showing my masculinity so I usually play it safe and ask for the number to arrange a date. This all stems from me not loving myself and not being enough which is why I am seeking validation. Every weekend I just end up laying in bed all day Saturday and Sunday in the worst state.. Really bad feelings of unworthiness and loads of negative thoughts. I distract myself with my phone and T.V from the uncomfortable emotions but always the weekends are the hardest because it makes me realize how shit my social skills are and especially at attracting women. 

 

Now I don't even know what to say because I am trying to force myself to say something but being in bed all day is not enjoyable. I just don't want to do anything with my time but be in bed. I hate wasting my life.  I wish I was not so addicted to my phone and I want all these negative thoughts to stop. I want to love myself but I feel like I don't. That's why I want sex and to connect with other people but it signifies neediness which repels people away from me. I don't feel happy in my own skin. Sense of lack.. I can't be by myself. Chasing future experiences all the time. Going to go out tonight and hopefully it will be better. I need to probably start journaling my interactions with women as I don't find myself learning that much right now. A part of me just feels so lazy though! I hate socializing so much and talking to people 

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Well yesterday today have been both equally horrible days. It is because I went out clubbing Friday and Saturday night, it makes me feel so bad because I really don't enjoy talking to anyone at all when I am out. What is there even to talk about and what is the point is talking to other people, it feels like such a waste of time. Feel like I wasted a lot of time going out and the next day I just spend in bed checking my phone like a drug addict. I know checking my phone does not feel good but I check it anyway because I am so addicted to technology. I really did not want to journal today as I am afraid of what to say or saying the wrong sentance. I feel like I have a messed up brain who cannot talk to people properly. I don't even have any education and spend my days just in bed on my phone wasting time until I go to sleep. I don't feel like I even enjoy doing anything in the day. I consume toxic content on youtube on which I don't even enjoy but I do it to purposefully waste time to I go to sleep. At least my mind switches off then from all these negative thoughts. Supposed to have a girl coming over later but she is on her period but I feel bad saying to meet another day, she will then probably just think I am using her for sex. I am particularly in the best mood to be meeting her but I am going to. I sometimes get such depressive thoughts like my mind spirals into negative loops. I just don't understand how everyone else seems to fit in so effortlessly with others but I find it such a challenge to even have a 1 minute conversation with a stranger. I get such huge anxiety when I am out and talking to someone. Whenever I am talking to them, my mind wants to run or wants them to run. I think I need a break from socializing, I find it to mentally draining and I don't even enjoy it. It all feels so fake. You can only say certain things and it is wrong to talk about other things. 

 

There is even a fear of authentically expressing myself. Not even wanting to type this. I don't feel confident in my ability to communicate. I don't know how much more of this I can take though. There is something that is not being expressed but I think I am expressing but it is just conceptualizing with my mind. I don't know what it is. I try my best, my family love me... it's just outsiders that I have never really had any experience with. I really wish all the negative thoughts would stop, I find it so hard struggling and living behind fear of truly expressing myself. What's the point in living if I don't even enjoy anything... Feels like the same day over and over again. I hope I get better but it just constantly keeps on going on and I don't know how to change. I rely to much on seeking.. and journaling is so much effort so i'm out to be trapped inside my head for the rest of the day. 

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When the mind ‘hijacks’ feeling and how one feels / will feel is what’s believed to be on the line… much pressure is put on getting what results in feeling better. But that feeling better is the true nature of happiness, which arises during intimate encounters because focus is not on the discordant thoughts. 

 

It might be good to journal on the judgment. To try to get to the bottom of it. Maybe you grew up with a perfectionist in the house or something similar. 

 

Also, the notion, or wishing that all the negative thoughts would start tends to actually keep them going. Writing those thoughts out and seeing them as thoughts and willfully allowing them to be as they are tends to yield insights and more equanimity / good feeling.

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On 7/31/2022 at 9:33 PM, Phil said:

When the mind ‘hijacks’ feeling and how one feels / will feel is what’s believed to be on the line… much pressure is put on getting what results in feeling better. But that feeling better is the true nature of happiness, which arises during intimate encounters because focus is not on the discordant thoughts. 

 

It might be good to journal on the judgment. To try to get to the bottom of it. Maybe you grew up with a perfectionist in the house or something similar. 

 

Also, the notion, or wishing that all the negative thoughts would start tends to actually keep them going. Writing those thoughts out and seeing them as thoughts and willfully allowing them to be as they are tends to yield insights and more equanimity / good feeling.

 

You're right. I got incredible insights the other night when I smoked weed with this girl, I don't know how but it really put me in touch with my true nature. I was journaling for hours, it was like when I stop chasing the next thing, then naturally insights arise. I was writing my values, what I wanted to do etc. I felt like I was viewing myself from a place outside of myself. Every belief/expectation of myself was completely dropped. I was communicating from a place that was not me. It felt strange. Like I was in touch with something other than me. Wisdom and insight would just come to me. I had a completely blank mind, no expectations and then I would just wait for a thought to come and I would journal it. 

 

Back to suffering now though, getting uncomfortable feelings around the pursuit of women for sex and feeling like I am not enough. Being deeply harmed and hurt by the rejection of females. Self analyzing and judging every thought that comes my way. It is like if I get a thought about "I am must not turn my phone off do not disturb" and if I do it, I tend to mentally beat myself up. But I am currently doing self esteem stems and trying to be more happier in myself, pursuing my own values and desires instead of chasing sex to feel the emptiness I have. The best insights come from a place of not knowing, a blank mind. That is what I found out when I smoked that weed. It was quite scary to begin with but I relaxed into it. I am doing 1 hour of meditation everyday also which I find it extremely beneficial. I am trying to become a more loving person towards others but I do get selfish sometimes. I know what is going to make me feel good, just need to stop living up to others and live for myself. 

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On 7/31/2022 at 4:33 PM, Phil said:

Also, the notion, or wishing that all the negative thoughts would start

* typo.. should be ‘stop’, not start. 

 

9 minutes ago, Eternal said:

 

You're right. I got incredible insights the other night when I smoked weed with this girl, I don't know how but it really put me in touch with my true nature. I was journaling for hours, it was like when I stop chasing the next thing, then naturally insights arise. I was writing my values, what I wanted to do etc. I felt like I was viewing myself from a place outside of myself. Every belief/expectation of myself was completely dropped. I was communicating from a place that was not me. It felt strange. Like I was in touch with something other than me. Wisdom and insight would just come to me. I had a completely blank mind, no expectations and then I would just wait for a thought to come and I would journal it. 

Great to hear… and nothing against weed, but no thing can put you in touch with the true nature. The true nature is appearing as all things, or rather, the thoughts that there are “things”. That which is being said to be a place outside yourself, a place which was not you… is actually You… and seems foreign or ‘not you’,  only do to the believing of thoughts, about ‘you’. Be sure to notice you can do that, the ‘waiting for the thoughts to come and journaling’ any time, with or without any substance or thing. 

9 minutes ago, Eternal said:

 

Back to suffering now though,

Back to the believing of arising thoughts in spite of the discord. 😕

9 minutes ago, Eternal said:

 

getting uncomfortable feelings around the pursuit of women for sex and feeling like I am not enough.

There isn’t a feeling called not enough, there is the the discord of the thought, because you are enough. 

9 minutes ago, Eternal said:

Being deeply harmed and hurt by the rejection of females.

Rejection is the activity of thought. It’s a belief about a separate self which can be rejected. Find that self the thought is about, and the belief will be dispelled, and the suffering will quite literally disappear in the recognition it was just a belief about a self which doesn’t exist. 

9 minutes ago, Eternal said:

Self analyzing and judging every thought that comes my way.

Self analyzing isn’t actual or possible, but is a thought. Again, try to find that self that thought is about. 

9 minutes ago, Eternal said:

It is like if I get a thought about "I am must not turn my phone off do not disturb" and if I do it, I tend to mentally beat myself up. But I am currently doing self esteem stems and trying to be more happier in myself, pursuing my own values and desires instead of chasing sex to feel the emptiness I have. The best insights come from a place of not knowing, a blank mind. That is what I found out when I smoked that weed. It was quite scary to begin with but I relaxed into it. I am doing 1 hour of meditation everyday also which I find it extremely beneficial. I am trying to become a more loving person towards others but I do get selfish sometimes. I know what is going to make me feel good, just need to stop living up to others and live for myself. 

Well that there is just beautiful. 🙂

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@Phil

 

I just did 1 hour of meditation but I had to stop 48 minutes in. Was getting rather uncomfortable. I would be getting a lot of thoughts to check my phone and created a lot of agitation. I don't want to check my phone. I defo have been finding journaling helpful though, lately I have been doing so much. Thanks for the help... perhaps I am slowly. dispelling beliefs. I am going to continue journaling. 

 

How do I stop the recurring thoughts to check my phone? It's so frequent. 

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@Eternal

You’re doing awesome imo. 

53 minutes ago, Eternal said:

How do I stop the recurring thoughts to check my phone? It's so frequent. 

With love & appreciation, and counterintuitively. Soon loving & appreciating will be intuitive. 

Instead of attempting to stop the thoughts… love the thoughts. Bring appreciative thoughts to mind. The resistance felt from the thought of trying to stop the thoughts is discordant… and then to feel better there is some desire to check the phone. So when the ‘must check my phone’ thoughts come up, flip the whole script fundamentally to loving & appreciating, thus feeling good from how the thoughts feel, without the phone having to be involved.

 

Allow to come to mind thoughts of appreciation for having a phone. ‘I love that I have the information of the internet at my finger tips’. ‘I love that I am in control of my phone’. ‘I love that I can mute it when I want to’. ‘I love that I can call or message anyone anytime’. ‘It’s pretty amazing’. 

 

Also there is a ‘wanting to know’ interlaced in those ‘must check my phone thoughts’. So add some love & appreciating for not knowing. ‘I love this excitement, excitement feels good even without checking the phone’. ‘I appreciate the mystery of not knowing if anyone texted’. ‘I love that I can feel at peace in not knowing’. 

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7 minutes ago, Phil said:

@Eternal

You’re doing awesome imo. 

With love & appreciation, and counterintuitively. Soon loving & appreciating will be intuitive. 

Instead of attempting to stop the thoughts… love the thoughts. Bring appreciative thoughts to mind. The resistance felt from the thought of trying to stop the thoughts is discordant… and then to feel better there is some desire to check the phone. So when the ‘must check my phone’ thoughts come up, flip the whole script fundamentally to loving & appreciating, thus feeling good from how the thoughts feel, without the phone having to be involved.

 

Allow to come to mind thoughts of appreciation for having a phone. ‘I love that I have the information of the internet at my finger tips’. ‘I love that I am in control of my phone’. ‘I love that I can mute it when I want to’. ‘I love that I can call or message anyone anytime’. ‘It’s pretty amazing’. 

 

Also there is a ‘wanting to know’ interlaced in those ‘must check my phone thoughts’. So add some love & appreciating for not knowing. ‘I love this excitement, excitement feels good even without checking the phone’. ‘I appreciate the mystery of not knowing if anyone texted’. ‘I love that I can feel at peace in not knowing’. 

 

Thanks, I will do it

 

There seems to be this need about wanting to get a positive response from a girl I have just seen. Which can make checking the phone much more alluring. "I must check my phone to see if she approves or rejects me".  If she rejects me I will feel bad about myself and if she approves of me I will feel good. It's a need of validation from others. 

 

Then goes it goes even deeper, if I get rejected I will have to go out and socialize to try to find another girl to have sex with and my social skills are bad. 

 

I recently did some self inqiruy for a bit, just laying in bed and all of a sudden my mind just started spouting incredibly negative thoughts. 

 

Now I don't know to go out later at 11pm to try to do pickup and get better with women, my friends will invite me out and I usually go out but end up in bed all day Saturday & Saturday feeling horrible emotions. I don't really enjoy it, but I want to get better with girls to have more options. But I guess the weekly patterns of being in bed Saturday & Sunday are so recurring. At the same time, I do feel PUA can be quite toxic, like a form of manipulation but idk. Maybe it will be good but I always get so triggered whenever I go out. The fear of talking to others and being myself. Not knowing what to say etc.. 

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@Eternal

In large part you’re learning direct experience. Is any of that happening in direct experience?

Or are the thoughts about that happening… what’s happening in direct experience? 

How does rejection, as a subject or category to focus on or not focus on, feel? 

 

I think the more you relax & let the thoughts go / focus on anything else that does feel good, the more you will naturally realize a middle ground with dating. Saying hi, introducing yourself, striking up the conversation with some purpose & intention behind it, asking about her interests etc… versus the psychologically manipulative tactics which could be employed but feel discordant. 

 

I would take this opportunity to directly experience the effortless power of putting attention on something else. Just turn on your phone, iPad, laptop or whatever and go to Netflix or similar and play a comedy. Don’t be picky just kind of pick any comedy. Even if it’s just playing next to you in the background, in 5 to 10 minutes you’ll notice you feel much lighter.

 

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@Phil I had yet again another bad weekend of laying in bed and not wanting to get up due to the feeling of there is nothing that gives me enjoyment. I was mainly just on my phone watching youtube videos to waste the time until I could fall asleep. Like I don't even want any part to do with living and the best part of my day is going to sleep at night. I managed to do 1 hour of meditation but I feel a huge lack of motivation when I wake up in the morning like I don't know what I should be doing with my day. Everything feels like so much effort and a grind to cope with so I just shut down. Sometimes it feels like I don't get enjoyment from anything in life. I think it got triggered by going out Friday night and having to actually interact with others. I prefer being in my own head and hate talking to others. Fear of being judged by whatever I say. I didn't talk for a long time and started to feel bad, like I didn't want to be in this environment. How I really don't enjoy socializing or expressing myself and how I prefer to just be in my own head. I ended up leaving early and was in bed all day the next day, having takeaways being on my phone, distracting myself from anything which is my usual routine. I should of probably used an expression journal but I couldn't, I felt that depleted and irritated. I wanted my mind to shut off from all this negative thinking which I seem to be addicted to. I don't understand why I constantly feel so bad, I rarely seem to get any kind of enjoyment from life. Just feels like I live in fear, I even get scared of texting people the wrong thing or how I am going to come across. I guess it just feels like what is the point in living or being alive if life seems so bleek and miserable most of the time? It feels worse when I want to change but get stuck in the same patterns of behavior... makes me feel so powerless, like I am incapable of achieving anything. I have my dreamboard but I seem to do the things I don't want instead of the things I want because I am used to doing it. I hate always getting the same repetetive thought patterns. I am scared I am not going to change and be stuck this way forever. I have tried for so long now and keep falling back into the same patterns. I know what I should do but fail to put anything into practice. 

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3 hours ago, Eternal said:

@Phil I had yet again another bad weekend of laying in bed and not wanting to get up due to the feeling of there is nothing that gives me enjoyment.

 

On 8/5/2022 at 12:24 PM, Phil said:

In large part you’re learning direct experience. Is any of that happening in direct experience?

Lean away from thoughts about how life seems and lean more toward inspecting what’s true in direct experience. Is ‘nothing gives me enjoyment’ really a feeling, or is it a thought… more of an outlook? How does that outlook feel?  

Why does it feel that way? 

Why do thoughts about yourself being or feeling incapable & powerless feel the way they do?

What does that say about you and about what must be true of you? 

What does that say about these thoughts?

3 hours ago, Eternal said:

I was mainly just on my phone watching youtube videos to waste the time until I could fall asleep. Like I don't even want any part to do with living and the best part of my day is going to sleep at night. I managed to do 1 hour of meditation but I feel a huge lack of motivation when I wake up in the morning like I don't know what I should be doing with my day. Everything feels like so much effort and a grind to cope with so I just shut down. Sometimes it feels like I don't get enjoyment from anything in life. I think it got triggered by going out Friday night and having to actually interact with others. I prefer being in my own head and hate talking to others. Fear of being judged by whatever I say.

Judgement & fear are directly felt. If other people judge or feel fear, you don’t feel it, they do. 

If there is fear & judgement, or even fear of being judged… then love instead, and don’t judge yourself or anyone else. See how that feels and how it resonates or not with what is true of you. 

3 hours ago, Eternal said:

 

I didn't talk for a long time and started to feel bad, like I didn't want to be in this environment. How I really don't enjoy socializing or expressing myself and how I prefer to just be in my own head. I ended up leaving early and was in bed all day the next day, having takeaways being on my phone, distracting myself from anything which is my usual routine. I should of probably used an expression journal but I couldn't, I felt that depleted and irritated. I wanted my mind to shut off from all this negative thinking which I seem to be addicted to.

There isn’t a you addicted to negative thinking. That’s a thought about you, not you.

There are thoughts about you & life that feel very discordant as opinions or outlooks, but ultimately feel discordant because they aren’t true or indicative of truth. 

How the self-judgemental thoughts feel is being projected onto other people, as if the feeling were being caused or could be caused by their judgemental thoughts. But again, even if they did think that way, you wouldn’t feel their judgement (thoughts), they would. 

Inspecting direct experience is really the way to go to see how fear works. The fear isn’t coming from the activities it’s said to be coming from. It’s aversion, or, resistance and avoidance of feeling, because feeling reveals the truth about the thoughts.

Feel directly into the fear. See that fear comes & goes, and arises in you… not you in it. Let all of the of the narrative thoughts about the fear go, and just feel the sensation itself. 

3 hours ago, Eternal said:

 

I don't understand why I constantly feel so bad,

That’s the most important thing to notice… you naturally feel good… some thoughts just aren’t in accordance with & don’t resonate with that goodness. 

3 hours ago, Eternal said:

 

I rarely seem to get any kind of enjoyment from life. Just feels like I live in fear, I even get scared of texting people the wrong thing or how I am going to come across.

Notice in the thought there is a separate self in a future that might do the wrong thing. Feel the presence, the here & now of the sensation. Notice it’s the thought which doesn’t feel good, and inspect why. 

Notice agin you can’t possibly live in fear, because fear comes & goes and you never come & go. Allow the guidance of the emotion to be felt & received. Be curious, impartial, and inspect. 

3 hours ago, Eternal said:

I guess it just feels like what is the point in living or being alive if life seems so bleek and miserable most of the time?

To realize the truth, transcending that outlook, and enjoying life. 

3 hours ago, Eternal said:

It feels worse when I want to change but get stuck in the same patterns of behavior... makes me feel so powerless, like I am incapable of achieving anything.

Don’t try to change behaviors yet. That leads into self judgement for taking or not taking action to quickly. Notice and change how you feel with respect to how the thoughts feel, and which you believe. Avoiding feeling keeps the resistance & discord going. Careful with believing thoughts about feeling. Inspect direct experience instead. 

3 hours ago, Eternal said:

 

I have my dreamboard but I seem to do the things I don't want instead of the things I want because I am used to doing it. I hate always getting the same repetetive thought patterns. I am scared I am not going to change and be stuck this way forever. I have tried for so long now and keep falling back into the same patterns. I know what I should do but fail to put anything into practice. 

Trade focusing on hating what you don’t want, for loving the thoughts, all thoughts, and loving focusing on what you do want. Don’t skip to self judgement about what you have or haven’t put into practice. Just pick better feeling thoughts. 

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@Phil

 

Thank you. 

 

Have you heard of a book called love yourself like your life depends on it? 

 

Going to do mental loops on telling myself I love myself as well as meditation, I need to shift the focus from negative feeling thoughts to positive ones.

 

I am going to keep telling myself that I love myself, I created a vow that I am going to commit to and that is self love. 

 

Can you recommend any good self-love meditation music that I can associate with my practice?

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@Eternal

No I haven’t read that one, sorry.  Sounds great though!

 

The distinction might be helpful between thought loops, which involve thoughts about a self… and (as you mentioned) just willingly acknowledging discordant thoughts and focusing instead on aligned & resonating thoughts - about anyone or any subject matter.  If discordant thoughts about yourself arise, imo focusing instead on resonating, uplifting self affirming & self loving thoughts is great. Yet also there is the matter of liberation… or that you are awareness, aware of, thoughts… all thoughts. So finite thoughts about your infinite yourself could bring about confusion, or could just be very good feeling & healing. The Mental & Emotional Equanimity section of the Meditations page might be useful in alignment, healing & releasing which can occur in bringing loving thoughts about relationships and others to mind. In the vein of ‘if I love my enemy, there is no enemy… I was only fighting against myself’. 

34 minutes ago, Eternal said:

Can you recommend any good self-love meditation music that I can associate with my practice?

As far as music, sometimes the right frequency & lyrics of a song can ‘pop a bubble’. Like sometimes a sad song is actually great because it brings about a solid release / cry. But then also sometimes an uplifting song is call for. As far as love, wisdom, alignment & resonating goes, Cat Stevens comes to mind. As far as less music, and more affirmation / self-love, anything found on youtube by searching Abraham Hicks and ‘affirmation’, ‘meditation’, etc is great imo. As far as audio books if you’re looking for one, Bryon Katies Loving What Is might be a great listen. 

 

Really great & beautiful to hear ‘where you’re at’ btw. Very happy for you and for the continued alignment to come. 👊🏼 

 

 

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2 hours ago, Phil said:

@Eternal

No I haven’t read that one, sorry.  Sounds great though!

 

The distinction might be helpful between thought loops, which involve thoughts about a self… and (as you mentioned) just willingly acknowledging discordant thoughts and focusing instead on aligned & resonating thoughts - about anyone or any subject matter.  If discordant thoughts about yourself arise, imo focusing instead on resonating, uplifting self affirming & self loving thoughts is great. Yet also there is the matter of liberation… or that you are awareness, aware of, thoughts… all thoughts. So finite thoughts about your infinite yourself could bring about confusion, or could just be very good feeling & healing. The Mental & Emotional Equanimity section of the Meditations page might be useful in alignment, healing & releasing which can occur in bringing loving thoughts about relationships and others to mind. In the vein of ‘if I love my enemy, there is no enemy… I was only fighting against myself’. 

As far as music, sometimes the right frequency & lyrics of a song can ‘pop a bubble’. Like sometimes a sad song is actually great because it brings about a solid release / cry. But then also sometimes an uplifting song is call for. As far as love, wisdom, alignment & resonating goes, Cat Stevens comes to mind. As far as less music, and more affirmation / self-love, anything found on youtube by searching Abraham Hicks and ‘affirmation’, ‘meditation’, etc is great imo. As far as audio books if you’re looking for one, Bryon Katies Loving What Is might be a great listen. 

 

Really great & beautiful to hear ‘where you’re at’ btw. Very happy for you and for the continued alignment to come. 👊🏼 

 

 

 @Phil

This kind of feels like one of those deja vu moments, yes I am trying to heal slowly. Partialy afraid of crashing and burning if objective experience does not go in my favour. I am seem to be getting more clarity on the negative thoughloops that I can get stuck into which causes endless suffering. 

 

Especially regarding women and sex, that can be very challenging to deal with. A lot of the time I feel this deep sense of lack within me so I supplicate by chasing women. 

 

Do you have any tips on how to pursue a life's purpose? I do sometimes put a lot of pressure on what to do with my short life here. Maybe Leo's LP course put more pressure on me. Almost like I feel like everything needs to be put into place perfectly. I know I need to do the dreamboard but that and having a concrete LP are different things. 

 

It feels overwhelming at times trying to figure out how I want to contribute to others & doing nothing also makes me feel bad. Almost like I am wasting time that I am not going to get back. That feels like one of my huge problems that I am facing right now, just what should I do with my life? 

 

Reality feels so massive that it can be overwhelming and what if I have not found what I truly enjoy yet by living with limited life experience. 

 

I like spirituality, meditation, personal development, bodybuilding, technology, being my own boss, self actualization but what if I have just been biased by Leo's wants for his life. What if I don't enjoy that and that is what I think I want but don't actually want. I find this whole Life Purpose stuff very confusing. I do have a sense of making a big impact on this world but how? I don't like the idea and notion of chasing money as that does seem very superficial. 

 

I feel incredibly much like an outsider to society most of the time, when I am with others, I find I cannot actually enjoy being with them. Even my family. It is like "I need to get to activity X or event Y", continuosly in my own mind. 

 

It's like I want to build a powerful life for myself but I really don't know where to start. I don't know if I have been biased by Leo's wants/desires for his own life. Sometimes I don't even know who I am and what I want. Most things I do feel like a waste of time. 

 

What would make me happier is having clarity on what I want to do with my life and being on purpose. The problem I face on the weekend is waking up and getting thoughts about "what is the point in getting out of bed". Like having nothing to strive for in my day. Which is why a repetitive pattern emerges every single weekend. I feel a sense of burn out continuosly trying to improve myself. That I just want to relex which can bring about suffering as I fall back into conditioning. 

 

I really do hope I find my Life Purpose soon, I do seem to be living the same day over again but slowly getting more clarity over my mind. Just not taking action and get the feeling of being in a 'rut'.

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This women who I saw on wednesday afternoon has been taking up a lot of my mental capacity as of late. We had a great time, great chemistry I thought and I felt naturally myself around her. Anyway, I last messaged her on saturday suggesting we should meet up soon and she did not reply to me which feels like somewhat of a red flag to me. It made me feel incredibly unworthy. I know it was just 2 days ago but now my mind is almost anticipating her to send me a long message saying we are to different or that I don't think it is going to work out. Assuming the worst pretty much. I suppose I am used to rejection but being ignored like this does not feel that good. 

 

I just wish she would reply to me, I crave her company... probably in unhealthy ways... but it somewhat feels like another rejection that is going to happen. I am scared that it might make myself spiral out of control and go into negative thought spirals. I just wish we could meet and smoke weed again, it was so fun. She's probably just going to say we are to different. Maybe I could of presented myself in a different way but I was being authentic to who I am. Maybe she might respond, but I sent her another message just saying how her weekend went a few hours ago and I did not here back. Perhaps she's busy doing stuff but I guess it feels bad being ignored like this. Oh well... probably yet another rejection 🙂 quite unexpected as I thought we had a good time but girls change ther mind I guess. I just want to ge out of the dating marketplace, it seems to cause to much suffering for me. I get rejected on dates, even after sex...  

 

I wish I could know what was going through her mind because I genuinely thought we had a good time together 

 

I am not going to message her anymore, if she wants to talk she will.  I don't like to be the one to constantly chase.. I am done with these dating apps.... and females, it sometimes feels like a never ending grind. 

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@Phil

 

I really did not want to do this journal entry as it is almost 5 in the morning and I am feeling extremely tired from clubbing but I must shed more awareness on dicordant beliefs that I hold that seem to keep on repeating. It is another night of clubbing which I really did not enjoy, I don't get how everyone around me looked like they were having so much fun smiling, dancing but I am there not enjoying any second of it. Socializing felt so draining to me, even speaking with my friends in the smoking area at the nightclub. The thought of opening my mouth felt like such a huge effort so I just decided to stay inside my head most of the time. I went out because I wanted to get better with women and improve my personality becauseI think it is dull and boring currently. I did do around 10 approaches or so but whenever I was communication with a women, I find it so hard and stifling. Asking questions about each other. I was not even interested about the other person. I just felt a huge sense of nervousness and them judging me on how I am acting the whole time. Of course girls were into me but my extreme fear to escalate to anything further was to much. I got a few numbers here and there but I fundamentally just don't enjoy going out socializing in the nightlife. I don't relate to anyone in the clubbing scene and find it all fake. I find the whole thing so judgemental and fake. I just want to get a few girls who I can sleep with, or connect with but it seems impossible as my social skills are so bad. I have been going out for.a few months and don't notice much change. Whenever I approach a girl, her attention is so short and I instantly always assume why she doesn not like me. I sometimes won't say anything hoping she will leave and she does. Of course I get blank mind also, Even when I am talking to a girl, I sometimes leave set prematurely because I go uncomfortable sensations. Anways I am borderline about to pass out so going to go to sleep now. Way to tired and spacey. I want good social skills

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