Expression Journal

[Eternal]

I am sitting in my room feeling bored currently, not knowing what to do. I want to distract myself by watching T.V, I do enjoy watching T.V & it relieves my feeling of boredom. I wish I was not always so fidget. I keep telling myself that I need to do work & have a successful business life in order to feel happy but I procrastinate & live a complacent lifestyle. I beat myself up way to much for little things. I have to be more gentle towards myself because self hatred just makes me feel worse. I must tell myself more positive, uplifting stories like "I am going to have a successful business of my own one day". I am in a great living situation, with my family around me who adore me. 

 

I must stop getting so caught up on the negative & switch to a more positive way of thinking because it makes me feel better. Negative thinking can become an addiction, I find in my own life. It is the constant self attack which feels bad. 

 

I just want to not do anything with my days but live a lazy lifestyle because I find doing work really draining/overwhelming. Laziness is not a good life to live though. The more I am lazy the more I self attack myself for being lazy.... Now I feel tired as if I want to go and lay in bed doing nothing. 

[Eternal]

I managed to meditate for 1 hour laying down, I found I was very much in the sleepy phase/lost in the stories for the second half of it. I do feel better for just being aware of my thinking mind, noticing thoughts. I want to start a gardening business soon but keep on procrastinating which is not great. I seem to procrastinate everything in life, perhaps I just need to fully enjoy the experience. 

[Eternal]

Had an anxiety attack today after going to the jobcentre to see my work coach. After leaving, I felt incredibly deyhydrated to the point where my legs tensed up. I could barely walk in a straight line. My world felt like it was spinning, legs tense & a huge fear of falling over. I managed to get to the petrol station which was a huge struggle. I got a bottle of water & drank all of it which felt nice. 

 

During my panic attack, I was experiencing a lot of negative thoughts. It would only increase my inability to walk. Made me realize how much power our minds have over us. My mind was constantly drifting to negative, I was trying to bring it back to the positive with thoughts such as "I can walk", "I am capable of making it home" "relax my body" etc... It was a struggle to begin with but I did eventualy get home. 

 

Going to be doing online dating again, hopefully it won't waste my time. Everyday, I want to continue my approach skills when it comes to women. I want to get better with women in general. I get negative thoughts about socializing a lot because of bad past reference experiences. 

 

Going to live a balanced lifestyle which will include going to the gym, dating, gardening business with mum. I got my visionboard today from the printing shop & it has all of those images on it. I feel excitement towards it also. Enthusiasm & something to work towards. I love creating good looking websites, & my mum said she will write the blog posts. Both of our financial situations are not the greatest right now but I am sure they will get better. 

[Eternal]

I am tired today, burnt out from doing some work the last few days. I very much want to get into bed and have nap, seem to be getting a lot of thoughts to do with worthlessness currently. I am going to reverse the script & tell myself I am good enough, I am capable of creating what I desire in this lifetime. I just feel worthless/unworthy of others. I cannot think of the right things to say, I have a bad sex/dating life, bad at communicating. It makes me feel unworthy of being around others. 

 

I try my best to keep a positive outlook on life, there really is not anything to feel bad about. Gota spend more time thinking of the awesome stuff I do have, I just get very lonely being in my room all day if I am being honest. I think I will feel better if I had people who are close me other than my family. Why am I so dissatisfied with present experience? There really is nothing to feel bad about, it is just thoughts going on.... which don't feel good. Trying to notice them & watch them pass by without any kind of attachment to them. Detach from my thoughts... a thought is nothing more than a thought. Confusing thoughts with reality is a terrible mistake to make. 

 

It is just one thought at a time... that is what reality is.... feelings.... thoughts..... emotions...... trying to become consciously aware of every single negative thought & I am going to throw it in my virtual garbage can where they belong. I am already loved/loving/successful/awesome.. because I told myself that. Gota tell myself more good things & less bad things. I beat myself up for not being my idealized version of myself but who is that? Some future version that I perceive myself to be in the future? Isn't that just never ending? 

 

Reality is great just as it is.. it's just not clear to people, even myself. Earlier on today, I was getting terribly lost in unconscious thought patterns. This journaling has helped me put the light of awareness on how fickle thoughts actually are. When I am watching a certain youtube video "oh I should be doing something productive" "why am I wasting my time watching this"... when I get the urge to check social media/online dating acts "I shouldn't be checking my phone so much" "I am addicted to dopamine stimulation".......... everything comes & goes..... unworthiness will go to eventually, because it always does

[Faith]

11 hours ago, Eternal said:

. This journaling has helped me put the light of awareness on how fickle thoughts actually are. When I am watching a certain youtube video "oh I should be doing something productive" "why am I wasting my time watching this"... when I get the urge to check social media/online dating acts "I shouldn't be checking my phone so much" "I am addicted to dopamine stimulation".......... everything comes & goes..... unworthiness will go to eventually, because it always does

 

I'm happy to hear this and yep, everything comes and goes. 💙

 

[Eternal]

16 hours ago, Faith said:

 

I'm happy to hear this and yep, everything comes and goes. 💙

 

@Faith

Feelings of worthlessness seem to be popping up a lot lately today. I did some work trying to do a business with my mum but she does not know anything about businesses & kept on triggering my really hard. Ideally I just want to setup a passive stream of income during affiliate marketing websites, creating an authority website. I have most of the information that I need but I am not the greatest at writing blog articles. It just feels like a part of me wants to go my own way, I hate interacting with others. I find it so draining. I am becoming a huge hermit as of late, not enjoying the process of present socialization. It's such a grind for me. 

 

I have bigger plans to pursue & teach others, but first I want a steady stream of income from an online business before I do inner work on myself. Before I go on meditation retreats & take meditation more seriously. I currently have wounds in my psyche regarding a bad financial life/dating life, I would like to take care of this area first otherwise it will just continue to haunt me. Working with my mum, I really don't like but it teaches me how everyone perceives reality differently. It triggers me a lot because, she is just not good technically, has a bunch of limiting beliefs, gets distracted by everything around her, somewhat draining energy but she loves me. Is it somewhat messed up to think that? but I don't really enjoy being around anyone. 

 

I decided to lay in bed earlier for 3 hours or so because I was extremely tired. When I was dozing off, I think I experienced somewhat of sleep paralysis mixed in with fear. I was trying to move for a while but couldn't so I just left it. Don't remembert that much. 

 

I may go out socializing later but not sure, it is unhealthy to always be in my room. I hate socialization so much. Draining, people, questions, talking. 

 

I must get better with people..... I even find texting draining, how do I showcase my authentic personality to others?

 

I am bad at writing but that is a limiting belief that I hold. I see that.

 

I am a capable of so much more but first I want to get into a financially secure position with a business. I want to help my mum because she struggles with going outside of her comfort zone & still works for my Dad... but is it my job to help her or does she have her own karma to work through? I see people living the same existense on a daily basis without changing, like they are living in the matrix. 

 

I am very much aware of this, it makes me feel like an outsider... 

[Faith]

5 hours ago, Eternal said:

I did some work trying to do a business with my mum but she does not know anything about businesses & kept on triggering my really hard

Is it worth going into business with her if it will trigger you this way? You mentioned twice in your comment that it is triggering for you. 

 

5 hours ago, Eternal said:

I want a steady stream of income from an online business before I do inner work on myself

 

You can't do both 🤔. 

 

Try not to be so hard on yourself though. Be gentle. I saw many judgemental comments towards yourself.  This will perpetuate the feelings of worthlessness you mentioned that are popping up lately.

 

When we know better, we do better. Isnt that the phrase. 😊

 

 

[Eternal]

On 5/8/2022 at 1:37 AM, Faith said:

Is it worth going into business with her if it will trigger you this way? You mentioned twice in your comment that it is triggering for you. 

 

 

You can't do both 🤔. 

 

Try not to be so hard on yourself though. Be gentle. I saw many judgemental comments towards yourself.  This will perpetuate the feelings of worthlessness you mentioned that are popping up lately.

 

When we know better, we do better. Isnt that the phrase. 😊

 

 

 

@Faith

I will give it a try for now, I don't feel like I am capable of writing my own blog articles so she could be useful for that. The extreme brain fog/lack of clarity I experience on a daily basis is not great. Feelings of worthlessness have been getting incredibly strong as of late, I have a HUGE fear of letting others into my life & expressing myself. Online dating seemed to of lowered my self esteem a lot, I will get initial attraction from girls & lose it rather fast, it does not feel good. Lately I am going out of my own way to not talk to anyone, I don't enjoy it, view it as a waste of time, I feel horrible when around people. Especially on dates... I used to actually look forward to go on dates & the possibility to create a connection with others. Now I just seem to view it through the lens of being a waste of time. Perhaps it is the feeling of powerlessness that I cannot change how I socialise or act around others. I overalayse every little minute detail. I know all the theory on how to change in dating/life/business but don't change. 

 

I think the dating/socialisation aspect of my life really causes me immense suffering... I know most ways to make money online but I feel incapable of doing the work... I want to start an affiliate marketing website recommending stuff to others to generate passive income but I feel incapable of writing blog articles because I am bad at expressing myself/would not know what to say on the article to make people want to stay on the website. That is why I want to do a business with my Mum. 

 

I was in laying in bed all day watching T.V yesterday because I did not want to get out... some days consist of that. I rematched with a girl on tinder that called me a stone wall to talk to & blocked me a few weeks but she seemed into self improvement ect... I was to afraid to respond to her message & after around a day she unmatched me. It's a shame because I thought we would of had a lot in common based on her bio... girls message me on dating sites, I get dozens of messages/matches but the fear of responding back to them or knowing the right thing to say feels way to overwhelming so I just avoid it entirely. The deep suffering that comes with spending around 5 years learning loads of theory to do with personal development/dating/making money but anyone looking at me on the outside will just see a person living a mediocre life. My comfort zone seems to be slowly shrinking.. I just get a lot of negative thoughts.... to much suffering, I feel like I cannot take this much longer. No one gives a shit about my survival needs as long as theres are being met. I don't even enjoy being around anyone, I don't enjoy being by myself, I am going into debt, I have no friends, constant brain fog

 

 

[Phil]

[Faith]

@Eternal How are you doing? How did the therapy go, if I remember correctly you had an appt?

 

 

[Eternal]

On 5/14/2022 at 3:17 AM, Faith said:

@Eternal How are you doing? How did the therapy go, if I remember correctly you had an appt?

 

 

@Faith

 

It went well today, kind of made me realise that Leo has filled my head with a lot of concepts and ideas on how I should live my life as if doing low consciousness activities is somehow wrong. So what if I want to get into copywriting & sales funnels to make a lot of money online if I enjoy doing it? 

 

Also putting way to much pressure on myself to find my LP.... because I don't know what it is but I am just going to do what I enjoy doing everyday & making an effort to try out new things.

 

Of course there has been a lot of suffering though, I feel good today however but I tend to shut of from reality & lay in bed for days at a time doing nothing, seems to be a weekly recurrance. 

 

I find myself being better keeping my mind occupied doing something. I am getting into making good squeeze pages & funnels, I seem to be enjoying it. It's hard to take a step back & do other things when your finances have always been bad. 

 

[Faith]

6 hours ago, Eternal said:

It went well today

Very good! 

 

6 hours ago, Eternal said:

So what if I want to get into copywriting & sales funnels to make a lot of money online if I enjoy doing it? 

Nothing wrong with that!

 

6 hours ago, Eternal said:

Also putting way to much pressure on myself to find my LP....

 

Well, you can't force it. Explore and be open, it will come to you, if that sorta thing is priority for you or take it one step at a time. Try out different things.

 

6 hours ago, Eternal said:

I feel good today however but I tend to shut of from reality & lay in bed for days at a time doing nothing, seems to be a weekly recurrance. 

 

I'm glad you feel good today.💙

Did you tell the therapist about not being able to get out of bed for days? That's not good. If you have major depression or something else, you might want to see a physician also. 

 

6 hours ago, Eternal said:

I am getting into making good squeeze pages & funnels, I seem to be enjoying it.

Then, yes, keep doing it! 😊

 

Things can get better. Trust me. I've been there. I don't have those problems anymore, but I did and they were bad. So, I understand. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Eternal]

@FaithOn Sunday I went back into a mindset of laying in bed waiting to go back to sleep. It was brought on by going clubbing on Saturday night, I was doing really good before... but it really hit me hard... I experience huge degrees of unworthiness/worthlessness when around others & clubbing. I proactively cut conversations short, I don't make an effort to talk to anyone. I get attraction from women but I don't approach. 

 

My lack of socialization/friends causes me immense suffering because I spend most of my time feeling lonely/being by myself & when I go out I feel huge fear about talking to people... It's a horrible cycle... I have not felt this depressed in a long time.. 

 

I hate clubbing so much, I  beat myself up for not making an effort to socialise.... why can't I just have a good social/dating life... I seem to never have any friends...

 

Even others make an effort to talk to me but I am so fearful of even communicating with them... It probably causes me most suffering when it comes to girls...  FEAR can get so strong 

 

I am playing this victim identity of just not even improving my life.. I need to get more money, better socially, better at dating, live by myself.... 

 

Life feels so bleek, like I have dug myself into a massive hole that I feel powerless to even get out of. Perhaps it is my subconscious

 

Maybe it was me being bullied in school.. never having any friends... I escaped reality playing computer games for most of my life... Did not get much of an education..

 

My mind is so numb from constantly zonking out on youtube ect... I even know all the personal development techniques but fail to take any action... Why is that?? 

 

Why do I experience so much suffering... Why am I never content with the present moment.... I don't even see the point in living in this existence much longer, it seems to be permenant misery... 

 

I feel I am worse than depressed, I go into nihilism of questioning whats the point in even trying to improve... Especially talking & socializing, that is so damn draining 

[Faith]

When is your next therapy session? You should consider making an appt for this week, if able. I know you have a chronic problem, but some of what you say really worries me. 

 

I wouldn't advise clubbing as the best place to make friends or socialize properly. It's loud, most ppl are drinking or drunk and many are looking for a hook up, not a relationship.

 

However, I did meet my husband of over 30 yrs when clubbing, but that's not typical at all and I was actually 18 and was sneaking in, so I wasn't a bar fly.

 

My point is, perhaps finding alternative places to meet ppl. Have you ever looked into meetup.com, it's all over the world and pretty popular. You find a local group and check out their activities, sign up for the activity if you like and join the meetup at the time and place. They do tons of activities indoor and outdoor. 

 

Then, also, maybe make some achievable goals for this coming week, even if they seem little. It's how you build up self-esteem, so, you can start to feeling better. Sitting all day on youtube/video games is going to make you feel like shit. You already know it. Not saying you can't play them at all, but moderation is key.  

 

💙