Toxic leader at my job

[fopylo]

I am really starting to dislike this person.

How have I once been admiring him 😂?

So toxic. I am really not comfortable around him.

 

Let's just get rid of all that discord, discord, discord.

 

All his fucking stupid ideas about "success", "achievement", "masculine" - so fucking toxic stage orange cringe. I don't even view him as so masculine any more than an immature person trying to act alpha.

He is good at business and at getting the job done, and a lot of respect.

But oh my gosh the way he talks about being gay as something offensive, and being vegetarian is weak and not masculine (god forbid vegan). Very much judgmental. Asks me what I think about gays, and then trying to offend (?) me by indirectly calling me like that. Jokes on him because I don't think like a fucking monkey like him.

 

Ok, I am making it a little about me, which doesn't do the best in releasing the discord. I'll just keep going and getting into that feeling.

 

Fuck him. For real. Yesterday we had a nice activity that we all took the MBTI personality test and I got the INFP, and the first thing he said (which was really unsurprising) was something like "nah... gay..". So now it definitely started feeling more personal.

The way he jokes sometimes is by being physical (he is very big and strong). I should mention that he is in his late 20's and me and the other guys are around 18-23.

I probably showed signs that I don't like him and feel very uncomfortable around him to the point of zoning out when next to him.

 

But because he is my superior, I am cautious with the way I behave to him because he has power over me. "Never outshine the master" comes to mind.

 

This moment of feeling powerlessness, fear, and insecurity had really affected the experience having dinner at the workplace. I was acting relatively cold and unfriendly to people that I'm usually friendly with. A guy that I am starting to befriend - I acted like I don't really want to talk to him and even said some wrongful things in an attempt to try and joke (I was sitting in the table with some friends including the superior, and then the guy who I haven't seen for some time surprised me in a friendly way and at some point he complimented my physique and then I said "I don't really swing that way" - which is more in the way that I said it that gave a bit of this awkward vibe rather than the laughter that would usually bond us).

 

So yeah, I'm not raging and hating anymore. But for real, I worry that the experiences with him will keep being uncomfortable.

 

Relief, relief, relief - reach for better feeling - prioritize relief by expressing here.

 

Everything out.

 

I was definitely waiting to get back home to express all of this.

I had this insight while being on the bus that the thoughts are very much a product of the vibration I'm in. When in hate, there is this strong powerful burning emotion and then lots of thoughts that strongly vibe with "hate/rage".

 

No suppressing. I ain't his slave, like he likes to say. Go fuck yourself man. You are a slave to your fucking mind and society.

Last bits of anger.

 

I don't think things will be different much. He was raised after all in an old fashion way thinking and the society he comes from. People like him and other. What can you do with such people. Not much I guess.

 

Doubt. I doubt. Not to make it about me.

Disappointment. It is what it is I guess.

Overwhelment - we acknowledged the disappointing reality, not as planned. What now?

At least no disappointment. "effort" and trying now. What should I do? How do I get out of it?

Overwhelment - trying to get somewhere. Fixation on outcome. Shit, almost forgot - the focus is on relief, not on trying to philosophize about overhwhelment.

Slight frustration. Breath deep. Feels good though. YES - I like frustration, like a refreshing apple taste.

 

All those emotions... maybe not yet fully realized. Gonna sit for a minute with it.

 

Is that... pessimism? Perhaps...

A weird feeling. Just like a general light fog of discord. Not so clear. Just not happy for no reason. Like, the "aftermath" of letting go of discord, like side effects.

Could I be pushing too much through the scale? Wait...

Remember. Fuck modals for a second. First focus on feeling more relief. Where is the relief?

 

Gonna sit with it for a bit.

 

Ok, I have been sitting for quite a few minutes already. This general "not in the best mood" type of cloud. I have been sitting not doing anything looking around for a while. It is the challenge until I get bored, but as long as I feel some discords in the body, I am still occupied. Wait, again, remember, to reach for relief. going back to staring at nothing.

 

Did some body release work. A lot of the discord has gone.

A slight warm disturbing feeling in the diaphragm starts to arise. Still some slight discords. Impatience has been realized as suppressed boredom.

Starting to feel a bit better, as the focus starts to be more on relief and feeling better.

 

Gonna go now for a 10 minute meditation.

 

... More relaxed. There were some tiny discords during the session, but more grounded than before. Not 100% content though.

Some sudden thoughts popped up "I need to prepare for my day tomorrow", "what if my dad suddenly comes home and calls my name or something"... yeah.

 

But a quick insight - being very honest with myself of what I'm feeling is key to truely dissolving the discord, and perhaps the only way to truly feel good, without "faking" it. Hence, the focus on relief and allowing for better feeling.

 

Also, focus is much easier to manage when the emotion/vibration is Contentment - this grounding feeling that brings with it the freedom of focus.

 

But I had this nice cute tune play "in my head" towards the end of the session from a video game I played Deltarune. Going to take my dog for a walk now.

I'll see how things will be when I get back.

 

Will update once I get back.

 

Remember, focus on relief.

Relief, relief, relief. No thought. Only feeling the betterment in relief.

[fopylo]

Might have overthought my direct experience a little too much sometimes during the walk, which caused some discord. Perhaps the relief was in focusing on one thing which feels like it's taking me somewhere. Something propelling.

 

Anyways, am going to watch with my dad now the first episode of the series Death note to get his reaction on it.

[Isagi Yoichi]

16 minutes ago, fopylo said:

Anyways, am going to watch with my dad now the first episode of the series Death note to get his reaction on it.

I remember you saying something like that before do you guys watch the same anime many times?

[fopylo]

So I watched 2 episodes, and gonna be getting about 5 hours of sleep now. I wasn't present that much, wondering what he's reaction would be.

[fopylo]

@Isagi Yoichi Damn you forreal remember that I said that (I wasn't even sure I mentioned it). Thanks for writing this, and reading what I wrote.

Yeah, about almost a year ago I set him up to watch attack on titan and we've watched pretty much everything together (rewatch for me).

[Isagi Yoichi]

2 minutes ago, fopylo said:

@Isagi Yoichi Damn you forreal remember that I said that (I wasn't even sure I mentioned it). Thanks for writing this, and reading what I wrote.

Yeah, about almost a year ago I set him up to watch attack on titan and we've watched pretty much everything together (rewatch for me).

Thats cool I wish my father liked anime , they usually make fun of people who watch anime 

[fopylo]

@Isagi Yoichi

Yeah, I would say my father was very reluctant, and I would bet the only reason he did this was because we don't have a good relationship and it seems more precious to him, and thought it might save it. Quite an assumption on my part. After all, this was one of our best bonding times (not that we spoke much, but just in being in the same environment engaged in the same thing).

 

By the way I love Isagi. But I can't lie, Nagi is way cooler 😂

[Isagi Yoichi]

3 minutes ago, fopylo said:

By the way I love Isagi. But I can't lie, Nagi is way cooler 😂

Yeah he is

[Enlightened Cat]

You don't have to "digest" any of his projections, so to speak. He's already feeling them, if he's experiencing them at all. Because all creation is self-contained. If he hates a certain type of people, he feels hate, it isn't yours!

https://www.actualityofbeing.com/just-let-source-take-out-the-garbage

The idea of someone judging you is a judgment you will feel. Judgment often uses the idea of a "person" as proxy. It's not enough to let go of the idea of judging yourself, but also the idea of other people judging you. Neither is possible or requires any effort from you, since it ain't you.

There's nothing to be "done" about it. By trying to do something about judgment, you feel the judgment. Otherwise there is nothing to do anything about. You can't hunt Santa without believing in Santa. You can't stop judgment without believing in judgment. Yes, it's circular and self-contained, as all creation is. This is a very empowering aspect in hindsight.

Mental anger often comes from a lot of suppressed desires. These desires often spring forth from the idea that other people can judge you.

"I don't deserve to be judged... but i'll let it pass since he's my boss"

"I want to prove him wrong... but I can't because he's my boss"

etc. etc.

 

These are all what anger looks like. It's springing forth from the base belief in judgment. It's the idea that something needs to be proved or fixed, which is suppressed. That suppression hurts. If it is believed that something is hurting you, anger will go towards that thing. The desires and ideas must play themselves out.

Rather than proving and fixing, letting go of all expectations and assumptions naturally and effortlessly disillusions. The outcomes will change naturally according to what is aligned with how you feel, don't sweat those details. If you're angry with someone, you make them angry. If you're nervous with someone, you make them nervous. etc. etc.