A box of chocolate

[WhiteOwl]

I experience a lot of judgements towards knowledge and people. "This doesn't exist. This is not true" thoughts like that. Its putting a damper on feeling passion and enthusiasm for things. I always feel doubt about the books i want to read if its not in the self-realization category. Same in my university courses. Feeling a lot of judgements. Maybe its not the ultimate truth but i wan't to enjoy and feel interested anyways. 

 

I want to feel passion and inspiration. 

 

Feeling judgements around my own choices. Everything is divided into useful or not before its even begun. Some trap of all this "nothingness". 

 

I feel a lot of doubt about knowledge from books. It was more fun earlier when i had more zest and thought it was important to read a lot. I feel pessimism towards most things thats not centered around self-actualization 

 

 

[WhiteOwl]

"I am not ready" "I am not feeling good" "I am boring" "I am not in flow" "I am not feeling how i want to feel" - feeling the guidance of guilt, unworthiness. 

[WhiteOwl]

I once read, i think it was from a user here, that "the ego is nothing but your clenched asshole". I've noticed i'm constantly clenching the anal sphincter muscle. Kind of like tensing the shoulders. Its like its used to hold onto thoughts. Actively relaxing that area i feel a lot of emotion coming up in the throat / chest area. Jaws also. Whenever i notice a stream of thoughts and check the muscle its always clenched. Not clenching but relaxing seems to do something drastic to how i hold onto things. I will experiment with relaxing deeply the next couple of days. 

[WhiteOwl]

I really want some better routines. Waking up and going to bed same time each day. It feels like the main task most days is just working my way up to feel somewhat "good", maybe so good that i want to do something with my time. 

The problem is that i want to feel good before i start working on my projects, maybe thats a useless tactic. But this pattern is just always fucking there. Sleeping too much, waking up very tired, not eating the right times when hungry. It takes so fucking much to have food ready the same time, exercise, sleep same time etc etc.

I don't meditate right now which i'm not happy about. That has happened mostly due to dating a new women and starting school. Don't have a lot of time in the morning. Not as i currently live at least. I'm no thriving in it though. I feel powerlessness, or is it discouragemnt. who knows. I feel anger. I feel anger not living up to what is truly best for me, even though that is fucking hard work. A lot of things has to be functioning before i really thrive and that is not right now. I do my best but then i have to mix with another person as well now which always puts things out of balance. Having sex, sometimes during the day, sleeping too late. Not sleeping well due to cuddeling and being so tired next day not getting anything done and putting momentum off. It seems like i have to run my life like a fucking machine to feel good which i've almost never done. I also don't see a lot of my friends right now. When they called me in the weekend i feel a knot in my solar plexus/heart area. Not wanting to answer. Just wanting to feel good and have flow before i do stuff. 

 

I want to be happy so i want to do stuff in my life. Not just do things all day to try to feel good. Eat healthy, workout. These things are necessary but shouldn't take a lot of focus. 

 

I feel frustration and impatience. 

 

Im wasting so much time thinking/staring into the air. Experiencing thoughts so much. How the fuck come this is the experience when the only task is to settle thought activity, and this has path has been my main focus more than school, than music, than anything else for many years now. Its also an illussion that its necessary. People who never heard about meditation wakes up early, does the things they like, goes to be happy. Its not about any of this. 

[WhiteOwl]

How rare is change. Too rare. Looking in here, i'm not impressed. Maybe thats my crap glasses. Looking at society. People or politicians also never change. The people who really did, some freak like Krishnamurti maybe, yes he did. But he surely also worked like the buddha for it. Sitting meditating for 30 years. Contemplating everything. Not everyone can do that. 

I have a lot of ideas about how i want to do things but i don't have the energy. Im too drained and lazy all the time. what a rant

[WhiteOwl]

Going to eat a lot of mushrooms today. Please save me from myself

[WhiteOwl]

The interpretation seems to be that i need to do a lot of things and get things in order to not feel how i feel, to feel better. That feels like frustration and impatience. Once things are under control i can relax and enjoy. Feeling worry and overwhelment. 

Believing that i also feel doubt if am able to do all those things. 

 

I feel pessimism. "Im not sure im doing it right. I feel discouraged on this path, not sure if things are moving in the right direction". 

[WhiteOwl]

I don't know whats up and down. Even though its exactly how its always been. Am i going to move on with this day soon. Its like this Chaga supplement is giving me a headache actually. Won't be doing that for a while. Your welcome

[WhiteOwl]

Too little time to do everything one wants

[WhiteOwl]

"I want to be the one who plays this music" "I want to be this kind of artist" feeling frustration and impatience. 

[WhiteOwl]

I want to look into beliefs about music. That there is competition seems to be the big hang up. That i am in competition. Leads to feeling discouragement and frustration, doubt, worry. 

 

Competition to find the freshest and best music. Competition to get gigs. That sounds.. awful..  

 

Lets not believe more in competition more shall we

 

 

[WhiteOwl]

Becoming is such a bitch. I want to be able to listen to and make music from a completely different lens. Not one from usefulness and competition. My last mushroom trip last week was showing a stream of thoughts about how interesting things are, and how useless all this self-business is. I acknowledge i believe i'm going to gain something from this. Its believed music will give me something, make me someone. Education will make me someone. Money will make me someone. 

[WhiteOwl]

Forest trip with some friends. Thoughts "I am not funny. I am not in flow. Im doing things wrong. They are great and in flow. This never helps. Im stuck. No one is feeling this. I suck. Im in a low vibration. Its obvious i'm not feeling good. I am so restricted. I don't dare to say things". The feeling? Unworthiness, insecurity, powerlessness, guilt. 

 

Always fun to meet up with friends. 

[WhiteOwl]

"Im doing the right things to no prevail". 

 

What right things?

 

"Working out. Not drinking or doing drugs. Working on this crap all the fucking time?? How is it not paying off this is ridiculous. Everything i'm doing here is so i can finally relax and enjoy myself around other people. The main goal for YEARS. Experiencing how apparently still the same feeling loop i find myself in makes me feel powerlessness and discouragement. And yes there is just feeling and thoughts and no "me". But those are words. If you don't know how to allow good the feeling nothing of this matters."

 

This is all just ego. Emotions are guidance for thought. Thoughts are only apparent. "Everything i'm doing here is so i can finally relax and enjoy myself around other people. The main goal for YEARS."  Try to point to the self that can finally relax and enjoy itself around other people. The self that has had a main goal for years." Those are thoughts and interpretations put upon reality, and you are experiencing the emotions as guidance for those thoughts/interpretations. Ever present loving guidance. You are more loved than you could possibly imagine. 

 

"That is seen easily. Its just thoughts and emotions. But the interpretations and thoughts mentioned keep persisting, so that is what is experienced over and over and over and over. I acknowledge these are thoughts and interpretations. I acknowledge its just believes that I am a person that can be boring or be in flow. I see the thoughts coming and going pointing to nothing. Still feeling the guidance of those thoughts which is not wanted, and feeling those emotions makes me not be fun to be around and drains energy and focus. The problem is the guidance is still felt of the thoughts that is known has nothing to do with any "me". 

 

That you are someone "seeing something easily" is the very veiling that obscures the happiness that you are. You should eat something now, since you are feeling the guidance of hunger. Just feel.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[WhiteOwl]

"I remember the good times when i was in flow and feeling really fucking great. I want to get to there. I should start doing affirmations again." Feeling the guidance of frustration and impatience. Blame. 

 

"You are so silly for sitting here writing about emotions. Its not going any fucking where is it?"

 

I want to fucking scream. I can't get rid of fucking feeling. Did i sign up for this. Is it good? Is it bad? Its too intense. Point to "intense" in direct experience. 

[WhiteOwl]

meeting someone i know.

 

"Hey how is it going?"

 

"Great thanks. I started school again. Doing a mycology course so i am spending a lot of time in the forest these days. 

 

"Oh wow that sounds amazing"

 

"Its great. Its also a bit stressful having deadlines over your head though. A constant feeling of being behind, you know?"

 

"Yeah i imagine."

 

If the time is right in the conversation.

 

"I also got booked for a party in Norway next month. Really looking forward to that even though its a bit scary also hehe. Do i even know how to do it? Lol"

 

 

As you can see, i don't have so much to fear right now. I have some good cards in my hand when talking to people tonight.

 

 

 

 

[WhiteOwl]

"feeling good i feel like a douchebag. Its like i become a bit arrogant or something". 

 

Cool story bro

[WhiteOwl]

I feel insecurity and unworthiness. Also the body feels tired after yesterday.

 

I feel jealousy of people being in a big group of friends that are going out and having fun. Being part of a community. I've isolated myself a bit believing i needed to be different to be good enough. 

 

Feeling jealousy i also feel anger. The anger seems to be projected onto people making the anger about them. I feel anger towards people and the world and also feel blame. 

 

Thoughts that its my mothers fault makes me feel blame. That its her fault for teaching me so many awful behaviour patterns and ways of dealing with things. For being manipulative with feelings. I feel anger and blame thinking about that. 

 

I feel worry about needing to heal. "Am i doing enough". I feel worry with thoughts about how i will act around people in a future. "If i am ready or feeling aligned enough. Am i in the right mental space". Makes me feel worry.

 

Feeling worry i believe the worry is caused by worrying things in the world and that makes me feel doubt if i can create what i want.

 

I feel disappointment when how i want things to be doesn't turn out that way. How i hope i am going to feel during a night.

 

Inner turmoil of emotions makes me feel overwhelment. 

 

I feel frustration and impatience. Thoughts that i am in a difficult situation makes me feel frustration.

 

I feel pessimism. 

 

I feel boredom.

 

I acknowledge its believed i don't have much to offer in a conversation. I acknowledge its believed i am not interesting and have something to say people want to listen to. I acknowledge i sometimes believe i don't know many things.

 

Contentment? Not this moment. Why not? The feeling from yesterday still lingering. Feeling disappointment and unworthiness.

 

I feel contentment. Expressing right now feels really good. Feeling contentment doing that. I feel contentment for the music i've made recently. Producing while smoking weed has been very good for creativity. Never liked that in the past.

 

I feel hopefulness finding some nice mushrooms tomorrow. I feel hopefulness for for this week being really great. I feel hopefulness for the skin on my back after getting the new shower-head. 

 

I feel positive expectations for creating some good experiences with music. I feel optimism about my courses in school. I feel optimism feeling fresh tomorrow. 

 

Continue later

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[WhiteOwl]

This is supposed to be a fun and exciting ride. Not a fight for a person that has to "gain" xyz. Damn the delusion. I feel a lot of optimism and happiness. Exciting times ahead. I look forward to seeing her tomorrow. Lets make it a date and give it a little extra maybe. Before that, a little workout before school. How have i not seen how awesome this is all the time. It might turn out to be exactly what i fucking want 

[WhiteOwl]

I acknowledge i believe i want to be seen as funny. Seen as talented and skilled at the things i do. I want to be seen as clever and conscious. Fucking christ. I am not feeling alignment even though i feel all the time. During social situtaions i feel very uneasy lately. Shoulders go up constantly, thoughts analyzing myself and others judging how the interaction is going what a fucking nightmare. Thats a good interaction. Thats a bad interaction. Oh no i feel wrong. Oh no i'm too quiet. Oh no i only think about boring things like this. Oh that comment was great. A little funny. Too calculated though. All this crap going on. I don't want it. Nobody cares. Can it be something else soon??? "I don't dare to talk freely" "I don't dare to be myself. Im not being myself" Thats a belief. 

 

The "problem" is the feeling. I feel insecurity. Thoughts about how i am relative to others. Maybe if i write it 129480124 more times. 

I feel jealousy when i see people laughing and talking carefree. Feeling jealousy i also feel anger and rage. Seeing people having fun and laughing i feel anger and rage, how charming. I feel anger because its believed i'm lacking something before being free like that. And i feel unworthiness because of it also. I'm not good enough makes me feel unworthiness. Watching others have fun i feel unworthiness. 

Its believed how you feel reflects your worth. Feeling insecurity or fear is unworthy. Feeling unworthiness is unworthy. Feeling happiness is very worthy. 

 

I feel discouragement. If i could read my journal from 2.5 years ago when this page started i think it looks similar. Still feeling same emotions regularly. 

 

I feel blame. "I am not getting it. I shouldn't feel like this". I feel blame when judging others for their emotions. "She is feeling insecurity". "This is my mothers fault" "My mother traumatized me" 

 

I am not doing enough. Im wasting precious time. Feeling worry. I feel worry thinking about how i will feel seeing my friends in the future. I feel worry thinking about the exams, wether i'm going to do well enough. 

 

I feel doubt if what i do are actually the right things. I feel doubt about a lot of things. I feel doubt if i know squad about anything. I feel doubt taking most decisions.

 

That there is nothing to get and nothing to become makes me feel disappointment. The desire for things to be a certain way makes me feel disappointment over and over.

 

I feel overwhelment. 

 

I feel frustration and impatience. I really want to experience flow and joy. 

 

I feel pessimism. Not creating what i want i feel pessimism.

 

I also feel boredom. 

 

Going to the gym before it gets too late