Isolation and Rage

[Orb]

I notice through this process/path that sometimes I experience a strong desire for isolation. I don't find the games of socialization enjoyable and I want to be taken seriously or for people not to make fun of me and stuff. Like today I had an embarrassing interaction and heard people in the background laughing, this triggers feelings up anger and I just want to be alone. 

 

I think of romantic relationships and how they may not work because I don't like the emotional depth of relationships, I also don't like that I'd have to interact with my gfs family and friends and stuff.

 

I'm not a fan of social stuff. 

[Orb]

I experience intense rage in social situations. Anytime I experience being teased I get a defensive reaction in the body, then I feel like punching something really hard. I do plan on buying a punching bag once I move out.

[Mandy]

I'd guess that slowing down and allowing is wanted, aversion or running away is not but might be the knee jerk reaction. Which is great, because slowing down is what's wanted.  

[Phil]

"Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless."

[Orb]

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

I'd guess that slowing down and allowing is wanted, aversion or running away is not but might be the knee jerk reaction. Which is great, because slowing down is what's wanted.  

Yea I notice it's been a common theme, anger, then a desire for isolation. I've been talking to gpt about it. 

 

1 hour ago, Phil said:

"Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless."

It's been in my face all along lol

[Orb]

17 hours ago, Phil said:

"Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless."

On the way to work an even deeper feeling into sensation was uncovered, just more undeniable truth of no people, only consciousness. It actually made me feel more weird and uncomfortable around people, I felt very sensitive and didn't want to talk to anyone. Unfortunately I work in a setting where you can't avoid talking to people. 

[Orb]

I experience frequent loneliness and rage sometimes. I wish I had a punching bag to release my anger on. 

 

I have challenges forming friendships because they feel overwhelming and uncomfortable. Therefore I push everyone away. 

 

I experience difficulty with women as well, I operate differently from most people, I dont really have any "game" or whatever. 

 

 

[Orb]

But, I am aware I can be the change I wish to see in the world. 

 

I can be loving and open, yet id have to feel the vulnerability that comes with that.

[Orb]

I think singing can help, I deeply desire my feelings to be heard.

[Phil]

20 hours ago, Orb said:

On the way to work an even deeper feeling into sensation was uncovered, just more undeniable truth of no people, only consciousness. It actually made me feel more weird and uncomfortable around people, I felt very sensitive and didn't want to talk to anyone. Unfortunately I work in a setting where you can't avoid talking to people. 

If the truth of no people - only consciousness is undeniable, the me which the it makes feel weird & uncomfortable is not consciousness per se, but is the sep self of thoughts. It’s limiting beliefs / the idea of you, which are being triggered. You, consciousness, love - are the entire experience. Not just ‘the inner’ experience, but the ‘outer’ as well. 

 

If you contemplate and feel into what you most fundementally want, you’d see these experiences are precisely the unfolding of it. These experiences already are the unfolding of what’s wanted, but the mind if you will is not on the same page. The experiential disconnect has to do with acknowledging & feeling the emotion blame. Ordering or looking forward to a punching bag is great, but ‘the mind’ can use that as the aversion. The ‘means’ to not acknowledge and feel emotions such as blame ‘when’ experienced, which is only presently or not felt & experienced presently.

 

It’s really great when ‘the stuff’ manifests. Clearly there are strong desires regarding independence. All of the aspects of the creation process - experiencing, preferences being created & manifesting -  are equally enjoyable. If & when it seems this is not the case, rely on fundamentals. Watching Hoosiers is an easy way to allow clarity in this regard. 

 

Acknowledge you, consciousness, awareness - are present. More so - are ‘only ever’ - present. Ground in yourself as it were, in questioning and noticing you are never ‘not present’. When thoughts of the sep self in time arise, obscuring the emotion(s) presently experienced - what ‘you’re looking for’ with thoughts if you will - is your own presence, and maybe more specifically, the feeling / felt nature of. 

 

 

The desire for isolation is on behalf of the sep self of thoughts as isolation is from something or someone, and or for someone. The strong preferences around independence are about the true nature, consciousness, which ‘remains’ absolutely & without exception, untouched, unaffected & absolutely independent. That this is not the case, is only obscurant thoughts. 

 

If there is ‘pent up energy’, frustration, anger, rage etc, it’s great to release in healthy aligned ways. More deeply however, with respect to ‘getting out of your own way’ and allowing preferences to more smoothly manifest, it’s about letting go of interpretations which no longer serve you - not through actions & behaviors, but by recognizing what’s truly sought isn’t in a world or others, but within. 

 

The depth sought as well as the changes you wish to see are already present within you, as you, infinite consciousness. Trust that the peace you are is not found by retreating from life, but by seeing clearly that the source of the discomfort isn’t in others or situations, but in the identification with them. Letting go of this identification allows the natural expression of you, as consciousness, love - openness without fear.

 

Avoidance is discordant because it’s essentially the framing or interpretation of ‘not me’ - which simultaneously reinforces the illusory separate self. ‘Can’t avoid’ is likewise doubly discordant, and a conclusion based solely on the initial assumption & projection of inner onto outer, followed by the inclination to avoid. 

 

Rather than keeping focus on unwanted, and avoiding & isolating from ‘it’ - realign anew, by focusing on what preferences having already arisen from the entirety of experience thus far (so to speak), and directly, inwardly, allowing the truth that these preferences are manifesting to be fully felt. 

 

12 hours ago, Orb said:

But, I am aware I can be the change I wish to see in the world. 

Absolutely, as inner alignment is in fact, ‘the world’. 

 

12 hours ago, Orb said:

I can be loving and open, yet id have to feel the vulnerability that comes with that.

Zen slap - doer hijacking alert 🚨 - no ‘ya’ can’t. The sep self can not be any which way and can not feel this or that, is not vulnerable, and can not experience (vulnerability). The whole “vulnerability thing” is a sham. ‘It’s’ LOVE. YOU! 

 

11 hours ago, Orb said:

I think singing can help, I deeply desire my feelings to be heard.

Backhand Zen slap - the ‘one in need of help’ is the sep self of thoughts. Allow, feel & address interpretations & blame directly. ‘Work’ with actual non-conceptual direct experience. Allowed, felt fully, and released, and therein interpretations changed as in aligned (as opposed to heard). By all means, be heard, but careful with the holding of an expectation that heard results in alignment. It’s the emptying, the expression, the alignment which matters. Quite literally ‘matters’ - is not other than the very ‘stuff’ desired. 

 

On 8/17/2024 at 7:33 PM, Orb said:

I think of romantic relationships and how they may not work because I don't like the emotional depth of relationships, I also don't like that I'd have to interact with my gfs family and friends and stuff

Mysterious third hand from nowhere Zen slap…

“I don’t like” (conceptual), vs (direct experience based) allowing emotions is very much what’s wanted because it’s quite literally the stuff which is literally Me. 

 

So to speak, you have pulled yourself from total shit my man. From foolish irresponsibility to feeling, allowing and aligning. Do not continue to shortchange yourself by withholding yourself from yourself, such as with “when this or that is this or that way in a future”.

 

♥️ Nature, trees, birds, rocks, etc, is the true nature as well. Get some time in nature on your calendar and be looking forward to the retreat deeper into and yet more allowing of, the true nature. Let themes of isolation, avoidance & aversion go - simply and only in self-love - simply because said narratives don’t resonate or empower. Mindfulness; whenever there is any experience akin to ‘this is awesome’ - “stop, drop & feel” - do take pause and acknowledge.. it’s Me. The awesomeness is Me.