A journal

[noomii]

I slept 3 hours at night the two first days at a new job in a restaurant. One night I slept 1 hour before work. A lot of other nights 4-6 hours this past month. 🤦‍♀️

The things keeping me awake is urinary retention, tics/compulsions and worry. Sometimes I never feel like my bladder is empty no matter how many times I go to the toilet.

 

I feel a lot of doubt about how to resolve all the suffering. I feel like I can't relax because most of the time I just feel worry. 

 

I don't want to be here and I don't feel connected to the people here.

I'm doing morning shifts with three other women that I feel irritation about. They sound really irritated or angry whenever I do anything wrong. Same for the one who employed me. I just really don't like the way they talk to me. It feels like they have expected me to just know most things. I've been doing more things right the past days but I still feel worry about doing anything wrong. It's just small errors but it sounds like a really serious issue.

I feel insecurity or unworthiness when they are angry or irritated at me, but I quickly shift to feeling irritation or anger, I talk more harshly and distance myself.

It's just too much to have so many things to do in a very short amount of time. Even when there's not many guests I can still easily fall behind, even when I try to do everything quickly.

 

The hotel have new owners and I told them about my mental health. I didn't say anything to the previous owner that employed me, but they have probably told her as she's still here. The owners are a couple and her husband have been very supportive to me.

I think he even told me to do things slower (but not less?), while the women I work with says I should hurry.

Maybe the movement doesn't really matter as long as I'm aware of how I feel.

 

He even told me that if I ever experience suicidal thoughts I can call him. We talked about suicide related to some other topic but I didn't share anything personal. I will probably never call him for that but it felt good hearing it. 

 

I have no idea what I'm going to do in October when this season ends, I'm not staying here. I just want it to unfold easily and effortlessly.

I want to go to USA but I don't seem ready for it, it just feels too difficult.

 

I feel a lot of worry expecting myself to do things off work and to go for longer hikes but I feel overwhelment about planning and doing things. I did go for a short hike the other day but I just felt a constant worry thinking about all the things I need to do. It felt like I did it because I thought I should do it. It feels like I'm never really relaxing on days off.

 

Most days have been 10-15°C and its raining every day. A couple days have been warmer. I feel a lot of disappointment because we only have a few warmer months here. Around 20 degrees is all I'm asking for.

[noomii]

I want to remove this journal.  I feel a lot of insecurity about what people think and doubt about what to write. I edited the previous post for a long time to remove anything I could regret but it still felt so bad to post it here.

I just want to allow myself to express freely and not care. 

I think I'd rather have more direct contact and support when I share anything openly, instead of this way of journaling. I already write in my private journal anyways. Maybe this is just an excuse.

[noomii]

On 7/24/2024 at 10:57 PM, judy said:

hi noomi:) 

i'm not sure if you're okay with me replying. if not, just let me know:)

i can relate to a lot of the things that you say here. the desire to delete what you wrote because you feel insecure is all too familiar, and so is the confusion and overwhelment when it comes to deciding what to do, even when it's small and insignificant tasks.

so just so you know you're not alone:)

Hi! Feel free to write, thanks ❤️