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in shadow in light


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I don’t really journal and feeling like I need to start.  I used to write in diaries as a kid/teen. I remember tearing the pages out and destroying them out of fear that somebody would read them. I’ve always been such a private person.  Secretiveness is something I’ve really had to work on.  I used to hide so much and not want anyone to know stuff. I kept everything to myself and didn’t open up about anything.  I was always afraid.  I know why I ended up that way.  Environment.  Just wonder how different of a person I could have been if I wasn’t brought up to be so secretive and ashamed of everything.  I try to be honest and I try not to hide now.  I lived a secret life growing up.  Living in my shadow but putting on a facade of being good. 

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I’ve been feeling down, uncertain, anxious, confused, out of touch, lethargic.  Don’t know how to explain it but I feel out of sorts, like life is happening and I’m just an observer.  I’m not really controlling anything.  Things just seem to happen and I am the viewer.  Sometimes I just don’t know who this person even is.  Been feeling like this for a while now.  
I remember reading a silly news article once about a man who complained he had woken up one day and he was 45.  He said he didn’t know how he got there, since the time had passed him so fast, he simply didn’t understand how he had reached that age.  Was like a dream…

well I’m kinda feeling like him. wake up. 

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Embracing discomfort?
 

Feeling unstable and unsettled.  That limbo feeling has been hanging around me for a long time now.  transitioning over from the end of one chapter and starting a new chapter. longing for that content feeling. Or am I just chasing it? 

when was the last time I truly felt content? 
i would probably say it was during that first Covid lockdown when I was isolating alone.  It was April 2020,  the weather was great.  Sunshine every day.  I was lucky enough to be furloughed at that time. I could enjoy, for probably the first time in my (working) life, to be totally off work for 6 weeks without having to worry about money.  I really switched off. 
I was spending the days painting, doing yoga, cooking, waking up when I wanted.   Just hanging around the flat.  Life felt good.  I really felt content and peaceful.  Everything changed after that.  After that I couldn’t go back to the way things were.
I feel nostalgia for that time. 

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