How to transform from a boy to a "real man "?

[Someone here]

First of all I really hope that we will start a good conversation here that maybe will help others too.

Ok..so I will start by saying that I do not feel like being a real man. I am a sensitive guy that gets uncomfortable when someone is angry on him or even raises their voice at him. I am also sensitive towards harsh people and also I fell many times like running away from conflict .

 

I am tired of being this way..because I am seeing examples of men around me .and even as a kid I was looking at those men and really felt that I was in the presence of a man..you could feel that he had authority. And now that I am 26 years old  I should become a man.

But the problem is that unlike solving a math problem or creating a website or getting shredded I don't know what formula should I apply for this.

What are the things I could do to become a real man? Should I join the military even if I don't want to become a soldier but because they yell at you and put you in difficult situations maybe this would mold me into becoming a real man? Should I move out of my parents house even if it is not the right choice to do because I am still a student and I am living with my parents because college is in my home town so why would I pay for rent if I can save money living with them? 

 

Besides following my dream ..going to the gym and have a hobby or opening a buisniess (or at least try) I don't know what to do. I wish there was an exercise that I could do so I could deal with life's tough situations .

I was sensible even in childhood.. and parents tried to speak nice to me so I don't cry that much and I was also a shy obedient kid and also I was my only parents child so they took care of me much more than maybe parents are taking care of other kids when they more than 1. This latter was also pointed out when for example I was at a meal with my family and some family friends who hold me and my parents a long discourse about the fact that they should let me be more independent ( and this all started from the fact that my dad took a boiled egg to boil it for me instead of letting me to it). Also I had a girlfriend who was more independent than me ( she moved to another country and worked there) and she also pointed out stuff.

Now here is my last point. You know.. it is not about just doing this to get girls or get a wife..I want to be a man because I have to be a man. I am tired of being just a boy ..a lil' boy. I want to change because I don't want to be that dad or that husband that runs away when there are difficult times ..i don't want to be a coward.

If you have also experiences that you have been trough that made you become a man let me know!

Thanks. 

[Phil]

19 minutes ago, Someone here said:

First of all I really hope that we will start a good conversation here that maybe will help others too.

Ok..so I will start by saying that I do not feel like being a real man.

No one does, but not everyone assumes ‘being a real man’ is a feeling & not a thought (about feeling). Honesty is the key.  

 

19 minutes ago, Someone here said:

I am a sensitive guy that gets uncomfortable when someone is angry on him or even raises their voice at him. I am also sensitive towards harsh people and also I fell many times like running away from conflict .

Anger is an emotion which is directly experienced & the emotion experienced isn’t an adjective which describes a separate self. That would be a thought. 

There isn’t ‘someone who is angry’ - there is the thought that there is. Similarly, someone who is (or isn’t) sensitive is a thought. In the materialist’s paradigm, attributes of being are accredited to separate selves, as ‘the materialist’ is the belief (lens) that one is an object, a separate self. 

 

19 minutes ago, Someone here said:

 

I am tired of being this way..because I am seeing examples of men around me .and even as a kid I was looking at those men and really felt that I was in the presence of a man..you could feel that he had authority. And now that I am 26 years old  I should become a man.

Tired of believing these thoughts and feeling the discord therein. Not tired of being this way. You aren’t, and have never actually been, this way. 

That there are separate selves which have authority is a belief. 

That there are shoulds, is a belief. 

 

19 minutes ago, Someone here said:

But the problem is that unlike solving a math problem or creating a website or getting shredded I don't know what formula should I apply for this.

What are the things I could do to become a real man? Should I join the military even if I don't want to become a soldier but because they yell at you and put you in difficult situations maybe this would mold me into becoming a real man? Should I move out of my parents house even if it is not the right choice to do because I am still a student and I am living with my parents because college is in my home town so why would I pay for rent if I can save money living with them? 

Tired of believing that there is a problem and denying you’re the one saying there is a problem.

Tired of believing there’s something you need to do to ‘become’ some thing other than yourself. 

Tired of believing there’s a better experience than This. 

Tired of believing some thing will be found in a future which when added to This will make This whole. This is already whole. 

Honesty is the key. The truth does set you free. 

 

19 minutes ago, Someone here said:

 

Besides following my dream ..going to the gym and have a hobby or opening a buisniess (or at least try) I don't know what to do.

Why look for besides? Just focus on that, one enjoyable step at a time. Other thoughts, preferences, will arise, and that’s not a problem either. Experience that enjoyably too. 

 

19 minutes ago, Someone here said:

I wish there was an exercise that I could do so I could deal with life's tough situations .

It’s called non-aversion. https://www.actualityofbeing.com/aversion

It’s more simply referred to as being honest. 

 

19 minutes ago, Someone here said:

I was sensible even in childhood.. and parents tried to speak nice to me so I don't cry that much and I was also a shy obedient kid and also I was my only parents child so they took care of me much more than maybe parents are taking care of other kids when they more than 1. This latter was also pointed out when for example I was at a meal with my family and some family friends who hold me and my parents a long discourse about the fact that they should let me be more independent ( and this all started from the fact that my dad took a boiled egg to boil it for me instead of letting me to it). Also I had a girlfriend who was more independent than me ( she moved to another country and worked there) and she also pointed out stuff.

Now here is my last point. You know.. it is not about just doing this to get girls or get a wife..I want to be a man because I have to be a man. I am tired of being just a boy ..a lil' boy. I want to change because I don't want to be that dad or that husband that runs away when there are difficult times ..i don't want to be a coward.

If you have also experiences that you have been trough that made you become a man let me know!

Thanks. 

Honestly, these are thoughts. The ‘thought story’ of a separate self. 

It’s just like emotions… the acknowledgement is the ‘getting out of your own way’. 

[Someone here]

12 minutes ago, Phil said:

No one does, but not everyone assumes ‘being a real man’ is a feeling & not a thought (about feeling). Honesty is the key.  

I don't feel like a real man and I don't think like a real man.  In all aspects equally. I'm being 100% honest .it's not easy for a guy to admit (even for himself ) that he doesn't feel like a man . Of course I'm not talking about feeling feminine or having gay sexual desires or anything like that. It's just that I can't carry any responsibility. Idk how to face life .and life (at least my life ) is not easy. 

17 minutes ago, Phil said:

Anger is an emotion which is directly experienced & the emotion experienced isn’t an adjective which describes a separate self. That would be a thought. 

There isn’t ‘someone who is angry’ - there is the thought that there is. Similarly, someone who is (or isn’t) sensitive is a thought. In the materialist’s paradigm, attributes of being are accredited to separate selves, as ‘the materialist’ is the belief (lens) that one is an object, a separate self. 

Sorry but that just isn't a handy or practical advice . I want more down to earth solutions. I don't know if you can provide it or not .

I definitely not In need to argue about this whole separate self thing . 

I need to excercise my masculinity more .

19 minutes ago, Phil said:

Tired of believing these thoughts and feeling the discord therein. Not tired of being this way. You aren’t, and have never actually been, this way. 

That there are separate selves which have authority is a belief. 

That there are shoulds, is a belief

I agree .but then what ? Are you ultimately simply suggesting that I should accept myself unconditionally just the way I am ? And not take any practical actions towards carvings a more masculine traits? 

21 minutes ago, Phil said:

Tired of believing that there is a problem and denying you’re the one saying there is a problem.

Tired of believing there’s something you need to do to ‘become’ some thing other than yourself. 

Tired of believing there’s a better experience than This. 

Tired of believing some thing will be found in a future which when added to This will make This whole. This is already whole. 

Honesty is the key. The truth does set you free

I love what you say here man . I like this message (sincerely .I'm not joking ) but can't I have best of both worlds?  Accepting everything unconditionally AND working on changing my experience? 

One of the things that often is mentioned is that men are supposed to be Stoic. So I gotta expose myself to tough situations purposely ..like fighting with boys ..owning a gun etc .

I understand you .but what you're suggesting will make even less manly . Because we were convinced that men shouldn't be accepting.they should  make shit happen in the real world. 

 

[Phil]

31 minutes ago, Someone here said:

I don't feel like a real man and I don't think like a real man.  In all aspects equally. I'm being 100% honest .it's not easy for a guy to admit (even for himself ) that he doesn't feel like a man . Of course I'm not talking about feeling feminine or having gay sexual desires or anything like that. It's just that I can't carry any responsibility. Idk how to face life .and life (at least my life ) is not easy. 

Your life is so easy in fact, it’s happening effortlessly. You can check this in direct experience by trying to make it happen, and then not trying to make it happen, and noticing there’s no difference, sans the thoughts about.

 

33 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Sorry but that just isn't a handy or practical advice . I want more down to earth solutions. I don't know if you can provide it or not .

I definitely not In need to argue about this whole separate self thing . 

I need to excercise my masculinity more .

This is handy practical down to earth advice. 

This isn’t a solution because there isn’t a problem. 

Honesty wise, notice you’ve created a thread about ‘being a man’, and are now saying you don’t know if someone else can provide what you want or not.

In all honesty - you can. 

You’re fully capable already. There’s no assertion. No one is telling you not to do what you want to do. If you’re going to ‘argue’, ‘debate’, ‘make a case’…. allow it to be aligned with what you want. No longer ‘arguing’ for lack, shortage & limitation is ‘getting out of your own way’, and is awakening. 

 

That there aren’t separate selves of course includes - ‘which are arguing’. 

 

If you want to, schedule a cathartic masculine experience. Chopping down trees & removing tree stumps comes to mind. 

But what I’m suggesting is inspecting beliefs & acknowledging emotions, or, non-aversion, or again simply put - being honest. 

 

41 minutes ago, Someone here said:

I agree .but then what ? Are you ultimately simply suggesting that I should accept myself unconditionally just the way I am ? And not take any practical actions towards carvings a more masculine traits? 

You can not accept yourself because you don’t have a self to accept. You already are you. 

That there is a self to accept is the condition being added. 

No need to add conditions. 

Feel free to take whatever practical actions you want to. (Obviously. Isn’t it so?)

 

44 minutes ago, Someone here said:

I love what you say here man . I like this message (sincerely .I'm not joking ) but can't I have best of both worlds?  Accepting everything unconditionally AND working on changing my experience? 

Of course you can have the best of ‘both worlds’. Accepting everything unconditionally isn’t possible though, as “everything” & someone separate from “everything” which might or might not accept, is a condition added already. Experience = (apparent) change. There is no unchanging experience. ‘Working on changing experience’ thinking which isn’t quite the same as changing experience. Write the change desired on your dreamboard. Write the smallest steps. Enjoy each unfolding step. 

 

44 minutes ago, Someone here said:

One of the things that often is mentioned is that men are supposed to be Stoic. So I gotta expose myself to tough situations purposely ..like fighting with boys ..owning a gun etc .

I understand you .but what you're suggesting will make even less manly . Because we were convinced that men shouldn't be accepting.they should  make shit happen in the real world. 

I’m suggesting inspecting thoughts & beliefs, and acknowledging emotions. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Someone here]

@Phil thanks for your advice man. I appreciate it 🙏 

Edited May 19, 2023 by Someone here