@Phil There is a pressure in my to accept myself fully and completly. A pressure to accept myself for exactly what I am. Maybe even a pressure to let go of myself. This pressure is seems to be linked to a deep pain/fear. I am scared of the the pressure and the pain (it makes everything so meaningless, it seems to block me from everything, never able to genuinly connect and love something.) I feel so empty, I have become scared of suicide. I don't feel ready or capable at all to face this pressure. I am living with my parents. I have no financial stability. I have not routines. I have no place to exercice, ground myself, be alone. I have no guidance and I become extremely distrutful towards Leo.
I could never forgive myself to kill myself. It would be the ugliest thing I have ever done. Causing my mother, father, brother, family and some friends this pain. But this pressure seems so much stronger than me, unbeatable. I feel so lost and scared.
Causing my mother and father this pain feels unbearable. A week ago I felt some much pressure I told my parents everything. I told my mother that this might be it. I feel so sorry for having said that to her. To this day, she is behaving oddly (trying to be nice to me, but you can see a part of her is complete terror). My mother herself was depressed. To some extant my experience is triggering her deep wound, yet she was never able to trully heal her problem and I don't think she will ever be able to. I will only make her more miserable than she ever was.
it feels like I am either loving everything or I will be forced to love nothing. But I absolutly no idea, all I feel this pressure and a complete disconnection from everything.
Moving out and living alone could make the pressure become even stronger and even more brutal.
I wanted to share this with someone who might understand. Thank you!