Omelette

What is a good way to handle these conversations, and at what point? For instance, in my mind I would think I am being rude if I was direct with my intentions to everyone. To me it would be like going to lunch with a coworker and saying "In my free time I wouldn't choose to spend time with you, I'm only here because I have to work and interacting with you is slightly less boring than being alone". I also would avoid it because I think it would be presumptuous to bring up sex before it has happened. Let's say I'm on a date with a woman and have no intentions of any serious relationship. Do you think there's a difference between just not bringing up the topic, versus actively lying about it? There have been times where I can tell a someone wants something more serious and I don't, in some cases I mostly wanted sex. I just avoid the topic. It certainly doesn't feel good, but it's justified by the thought that "I never agreed to or spoke about dating; if I wanted to date a women, I wouldn't be entitled to just because I want to, so neither is she" I would also feel offended if I'm just enjoying time with a woman and she says "I only like having sex with you and want nothing more from our relationship", even if that was both how we felt. This is all just how I have been socialized and I think the general ideas that most people in my area would have. I can definitely see how it's hurtful to directly lie but I am conflicted on the morality of being ambiguous with your intentions. I also wouldn't know when to bring it up. I fear sounding needy if I told a woman I wanted a LTR after only a few dates. I fear sounding heartless and making the woman feel like a slut if I said I only want sex and nothing more when I only met her once or a few times.

There are still thoughts that come up about me being nervous, me messing up, rejection, all the fun other people are having. I logically know that if I get what I want, my mind will just move to something else and continue this entire pattern with another topic. Yet I still feel the urge to chase after and dwell on this topic. I feel/think? anxiety and also a lack of excitement towards attending social events now. I am actively avoiding invites and people probably think I'm being an asshole because it's easier than saying how I really feel. Do you think shifting more to the present and what I want will help me find the spark for life again, is this just another thing to be pursued? or it is just a feeling in the present so its okay? Is it just "me" or actually just that thought coming up over complicating things? I read you mention across various resources across the site something along the lines of caring more about how you feel instead of figuring stuff out, being right, etc.? I remember the caring how you feel part at least Some thoughts coming up while responding to these posts: "This is just wishful thinking, I failed in the past and clearly I need to do something to change or else I would be getting results now." "I should be using some sort of tactic or method to make me appear more confident to women" "If I just sit here and move to the present moment, I'm doing nothing, I have limited time to improve and this is a waste of time" "It isn't so simple as this" Shift towards my breath all I need to do in any moment or situation. Not need to do because once I do it, I will get or avoid whatever the thought was about, but only because it feels good? So if I have one of these thoughts and the thought "I want to watch a funny video of a monkey playing the guitar" comes up, which feels funnier and lighter, the best thing to do to feel good is to just shift focus to that thought or to breath? And if I feel good, I will naturally get what I want more, but if I try to feel good only in hopes of getting what I want, I both wont feel good and wont get what I want (trying to cheat reality?) I am also wondering about focusing more on what I want... imagine I have the thought "You won't ever attract a very attractive woman" instead it feels better to just think about what aspects would this imagined very attractive women have... is this what I "should" be thinking about, just because it feels better and I'm never going to get what the thought is about anyways?

"Framing affirmations, even questioning if they will lead to material fulfillment… is an undermining of the only point of affirmations." So, are affirmations "useless" if I want anything from them? If I say "I love you" in the mirror because I want to get happy, then in a way it is counteracting my goal? If I wake up and feel like I hate myself should I still say "I love you", or instead just point to something I actually love? If I find myself "trying" to love, instead just notice the thoughts and feelings of the one who thinks they are lacking love and wants to get more? Oh and sorry for the mix ups lol, I noticed spell check acting funny on unconfidence, and also the video I am referring to is Mandy's

I'll give my perspective as a part of the men who post here for sex advice: To start, I've experienced women "using me" for sex. I don't think it's so straightforward as what you are saying about just asking a woman on a date. Anecdotally, I've met a woman at the club and hooked up. We kept in contact and I invited her out twice on an actual date and she declined. I thought she wasn't into me and just moved on essentially until she messaged me again at midnight to have sex. Some women like casual sex, and don't want to do dates. For women it is a lot easier to get sex so there aren't posts about it. There are probably more women than men posting about struggling in long term relationships dealing with a dysfunctional partner. I also think that women in general have more social supports, a lot of us men who post in these forums don't have anyone to speak to about this stuff, so the internet becomes and outlet where our shameful thoughts get poured out. I don't think it is a fair characterization to say it is manipulation for anyone to want to become more attractive to women simply for sex. I wouldn't call it manipulation for a woman to wear makeup, or for a women to get a mutual friend to introduce her to me because she is attracted. Women view men in the same shallow ways that men view women as well. There was a study that said a 5'6" man needs to make $175 000 more to be ranked as attractive as a 6" man. Both genders value each other for sex and their bodies. In terms of the predator stuff and what you said in your most recent post about rape, I think you are really blowing things out of proportion. Do you really think that shy men who congregate on spiritual forums are more likely to be rapists then an average man? Most of us are here because we want to be desired by women and are upset because we aren't, if it was just sex everyone would hire a prostitute. I think sexual assault is horrific but we aren't the ones doing these crimes, we are just moping on the computer.

I spent the day reflecting on these posts and noticed some things that make me feel optimistic Yesterday I was carrying something and someone starting speaking to me, I became distracted, fell, and cut my leg. I instantly noticed my mind jumping to blame them, me no longer wanting to finish my task of carrying the object, etc. When I actually just felt it it went away almost immediately and wasn't bad at all, the pain created by believing blaming thoughts hurt far worse. I think either 1: Positive affirmations will lead to more material fulfillment compared to negative or neutral affirmations, or 2: Positive affirmations will cause literally no difference in what I receive or don't receive in life, but if it feels better why wouldn't I want to feel better with all other factors in my life equalized? Would you say that either of these are accurate, or there are other options? I'm still having trouble with the idea "What should I do?". There is a belief that there is a me that should be doing something now. Whether that be saying I love you, meditating, etc, because I feel if I don't do these things, I will not get the good feelings and objects I want. Without this belief that I should be doing something, I don't know if the I will be there anymore, probably why I feel so attached to it. Yes, this clarifies it a lot. I think my "caring" is envisioning some future where I will achieve happiness, provided this person is with me. In one of your videos, "Does Self Love Matter?" you brought up something I have been dealing with for years when I discovered all the self love side of spirituality. Paraphrasing your video, making loving yourself something we have to do and criticizing yourself when you aren't doing this. Instead, the self love is already there and the process of self love is dropping the thoughts covering that love. So is it more effective actually just noticing in this moment now what I feel love/gratitude for now, such as just noticing how I appreciate my pillow, rather than "seeking out" so to speak things that aren't happening now? I was trying to start with thought, just saying "I love ____" but not really feeling it and hoping the feelings will come once I say it enough. When I go out to meet these people, I think that I may be boring or not confident. I'm assuming these are just thoughts to be noticed? Would it even make more sense to say there is anyone who needs to become more confident? Yet, in this moment there is the feeling of unconfidence coupled with the above thoughts.

Thanks again for responding to all those ideas. In terms of the blueberry pie thing, I think what brings me back to feeling like crap is why I seemingly can't control or influence this aspect of my life. For instance, in areas like friendships I seem to attract people which is great. Yet I see these friends with no apparent common denominator, a mix of fat, skinny, shy, outgoing, tall, etc., some are constantly in relationships. It's hard to appreciate because in a sense I feel slighted when rejected or simply when I don't seem to be attracting anyone. I am still doing what you warned against, the focusing on lack question 😅 . I don't even want to desire because in the past I very rarely get them, I feel like it's just setting myself up for failure. If I was daydreaming about blueberry pie for 3 years and still never got a slice then I would start to feel anger towards that pie On appreciating, the women I attract have never been the ones I am very attracted to, only when I feel indifferent do they seem to be heavily involved. It seems like some magical phenomenon, that when I become more invested the woman becomes less interested. Sometimes there will be a woman I am really into that seems to be into me, but in these situations I have so many thoughts in my head that I ruin it, like "I won't be experienced/good enough for her", "I will mess something up and she will probably joke or gossip with her friends". I think this may be what has caused this negative cycle originally, I can't understand why people respond positively when I don't care about them as much. In a while I'll be back in an environment with a lot of women, and I already find myself thinking up excuses to avoid going out. I used to have the mindset of, I should be rewarded for being "spiritually good". As in, after I meditate, read, say I love you enough times, I am getting angry because now I say "Where is the stuff I want, I did all the steps?". I tried the opposite approach, doing the "spiritually bad" stuff, neglect my body, use substances, poor nutrition, and my "results" so to speak from life seem to be equal. I don't know if one feels better or worse... this frustration has come from my past mindset, and now I don't know where to proceed. On the section about control, I only sort of understand. What would you say are the "functions" of "I", as in what do I actually have the ability to do? If I am not in control of my thinking, I am not my thoughts, do I have the ability to consciously drop it? I think that if there's self love, I can't do anything or control it at all, it feels good but I can't control the state I'm in or what put me there? I don't know what I points to or what I am capable of doing, if anything. A combination of reading/watching spiritual stuff , meditation, and psychedelics left me more confused on this topic than I was before I started. Thank you. So when I have tried to repeat positive affirmations, it doesn't seem effective. If I try to adopt a belief like "I attract many woman" nothing ends up changing. It feels better, but it's just lying to myself. One belief that I have developed is that I'm not good with women. This manifests as shyness and discomfort. But the belief came from many times when I did feel good and I didn't get what I wanted, so I lost hope. There have been numerous occasions where it is like life conspires to stop me from having sex. Situations similar to the sprinklers going off in the room as soon as you are about to have sex, and she's moving away in a day so you won't see her again. I don't know why this happens, it's actually become slightly amusing on the positive side😄, but still confusing

Thanks for the reply. I think the last part was interesting for me because it is something I haven't really considered. I've noticed that I will take action with some certain goal in mind, if I am successful it feels fleeting but if I fail then I get frustrated. I will try to start noticing my lack of appreciation. Part of why I bring up how so much misogynistic content is mainstream now is because it really confuses me. It seems self defeating to just complain about problems with dating, but I guess I'm doing it too on here. Let alone how unrealistic and just hurtful a lot of content is... I like to imagine how my life would be as a woman and it makes me empathize a lot more. I think it's easier for me to say "Well, some of what they say makes sense, plus women did ________ to me so...." because I can push responsibility onto someone else. I even question how I develop some harmful beliefs because I haven't particularly had anything bad happen to me due to women. What I don't understand is why I need to do anything though, as in, why do I need to appreciate women? In the sense that, why do I need to "do" anything to get what I want? That's what's confusing to me. I think just moving towards appreciation will help me feel better in all aspects of life, lately I've been more focused on trying to eliminate bad feelings. But why is it that other people seem to get certain things that I don't? Maybe they were already appreciating and that is why they are receiving? I also like the point about focus in terms of how something like wealth can be used or misused. This is something that I have been wondering about. Who/what is controlling my focus? It's so confusing, if I do these sort of self inquiry along the lines of "who is doing ____", "who is feeling _____", I can't pinpoint anything. If there isn't a me, how can the me control focus? I am thinking that focus is happening in perception, so who can even control it if its just happening? If I get the thought right now that "I want to seriously commit to focusing on love, appreciating, etc.", what choice do I have if these are just random sounds in my head?

There are quite a few posts that are similar to this. Quite frankly it feels bad to ask because I know there are a lot of women in this community helping out, and possibly some may even come to try and help me on this post. Here are some beliefs/feelings I have around women: I judge women for choices they make in relationships and sex. I see many of them choose partners I deem "less than" me for various reasons, and I feel anger and jealousy I started viewing a lot of women as "stupid" because I think they choose partners based on emotional whims ( realistically I could say the same for men). I think this comes from a sense that I deserve them more I judge other men and also myself because I wonder why can they get what I don't have? I feel hopeless in relationships I don't know why I am not having success finding casual sexual partners. I don't know what isn't good enough about me and it is driving me insane. There is nothing physically wrong with me. I feel a lack of confidence though, I have become a lot more shy for no real reason the past few years. Sometimes I actively avoid women, not so much from fear but because of this hatred building up, I see no reason to be around them. I feel foolish when I am in this mood and a women acts kindly towards me, but I also believe that the woman does not care at all about me, only acting because society socializes women to be more cooperative. Sometimes I get the feeling like I should just completely disregard this part of life. It isn't like I will never find someone to have sex with or date, but the feelings of the whole dating process seem to cause me more grief compared to the reward of sex. I have to change to be successful with women I am not successful now, therefore to be successful I must do something like: be more confident, speak louder, improve body language and eye contact, go out more, etc, etc. Why even try in life? I wonder what am I working towards? I have these ideas in my head that even if/when I become successful with women, I just want to treat them how I feel that they treat me now. I feel that I am treated as expendable and dismissed, so I will feel justified in doing the same. This is only somewhat related, but in life sometimes I will do something like stop an addiction. I will go back sometimes because of the thought "Why does it matter if I'm addicted?". I don't feel like I can get what I want from life regardless, so it feels like a way of rebelling against the universe almost through the destruction of my body. Since I am not getting what I want, regardless of whether I meditate, lift, volunteer, eat healthy, etc., or drink alcohol in a dark room and eat chips all day, why should I even try? I feel bad regardless. This could probably be another entire forum post. I feel as though I have expended more effort than 95%+ of the people I'm around but achieve the same or less results, it just makes me want to give up. Why is something so simple like feeling good or having a sex life unavailable to me? I really don't know what to do. I look at the scale for instance, I feel jealousy and the thought is "I am jealous because I am not getting sex". Now I just want the feeling and thought to go away, how do I express it? I lost so many relationships because of this feeling of hatred... I simply ignored or blocked a lot of women because I think they are responsible for how I feel, and I am angry that I'm not getting what I want. I was never like this until I spent a lot of time alone during the pandemic and started reflecting on my relationships with women. I legitimately want to scream because of how frustrated this makes me. I ask myself am I seeking validation or sex, and it is a mix of both. Regardless, I am making strides in many areas of life but regressing in relationships. I sometimes feel like I hate being around people now. I hate watching people have fun around me, yet I don't even want to join them because I judge them as stupid. Stuff like parties just makes me depressed now. I ignore invitations because I think I will not have fun anyways, these people don't care about me, the women around will just act a way I don't like, etc. When a woman talks to me now I'm either feeling anxious and shy, or I feel anger so I just give blunt and short responses and try to end the conversation. If I were ever to even get a partner now I would probably end up leaving them or cheating on them just because I feel bad about myself. Yet, I think that I am lacking because I don't have said partner, so I continue feeling bad. I wrote a lot but I'm mainly hoping for advice just overall to help get rid of these feelings and start attracting more women to my life. Every tool I have tried I must have been using wrong because this feeling has taken over. There is a large rise of men making this sort of anti-women content. I think most of it is dumb to be honest, and I am guessing most followers are like me, frustrated men. Whether or not I tell myself "I love all women", "Some women are good, some are bad", "I hate all women", results are the same for me though. Guys recording themselves for an hour speaking about how much they hate women seem to be doing a lot better than me with them though, so maybe I'm the dumb one.