ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 Ok, that might not be entirely true. I had other things in mind too. But point is, if it wasn't for you being here, I am sure I would be long gone from here. I'd be in Amsterdam 7 times by now, already. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 If I stay here alone, in this apartment where we shared so much together, I'm not only risking going crazy, I am also risking losing more of my dignity and self respect. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 If I go now, I am risking running out of money too soon, not finding a job, going homeless and dying there alone. But it's adventure. It's purpose. It's meaning. It's potential epic victory. It's what I really, really wanted, for a long time now. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 It's risky and it's dangerous, but I think I have no other choice but to take that risk. If I stay I basically prove to myself that I am one of those losers who always say they will do shit, but they never end up actually doing it. I must trust myself. That I know I can. I must have courage and faith. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 So that is the deal, absolutely now. If we do not come to negotiate and make up in these two weeks... I am moving to Amsterdam. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 I know they will not be happy at work. But I have no other choice. I must be a jerk again and screw them over. It's just work. This... is my entire life in question now. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 Choices like this... are what define me. This is what putting your money where your mouth is, is. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 Oh you think there is no choice? Please. We are not in kindergarten anymore. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 There totally is a choice. Deal with it. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 I am pretty sure I will make another attempt or two to reach out to you, in these two weeks. But I won't break myself over it. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 If only I was absolutely sure that you don't care anymore, don't feel anything... It would make this easier. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 It's ok. It's still too fresh. The dust must settle a bit more. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 Right now, I'd love to talk. But maybe as the days pass, we will both realize that there really is nothing more left to be said. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 Work was pretty awful, as said, but it was also obvious to me how it's doing me good. I need the contrast of being active and among people. Too much alone time doing nothing is not good for me now. I think I must persist with it, at least for these two weeks. Quitting tomorrow or the day after would not be smart. But who knows. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 Close to zero appetite today as well. But I did have 3 very small meals. Might eat a bit more soon. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 It's funny that I feel bad about just switching to feeling good. It's like that would mean I don't really love you and I am not hurting over losing you. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 It's stupid but it also makes sense. Just because you can party at a funeral, it doesn't mean it's suitable. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 I cannot help myself but think that the mature way to deal with a heart break is exactly what I'm doing. And the immature way is to go party for a month straight. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 Either way, I cannot help myself. This is just how I am. I could switch to party mode, I guess, but I also couldn't really. It would feel like a lie. It would be a lie. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 Truth is, I love you, and this sucks, and I am trying my best to come out on the other side of it. With or without you. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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