ivankiss Posted July 3 Author Share Posted July 3 I just laughed. Hard and from the heart. First laughter today. That's good. Very good. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 3 Author Share Posted July 3 Shower was great. In fact, it was so good, it made me wanna stay there for at least 2 hours. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 3 Author Share Posted July 3 I feel more in my body. There is more space for the breath. All is well. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 3 Author Share Posted July 3 I am scared shitless of the bed, I tell you that. I'm hoping things will stay chill there too and I will just drift away into sleep. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 3 Author Share Posted July 3 I'm thinking of some kind of a superhero movie. That should feel nice. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 3 Author Share Posted July 3 Did I mention that I have a thing with foxes? They appeared to me in the most magical of ways. The timing is always perfect. Just caught one's tail in my eye when I stepped outside. Which is somehow even cooler. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 3 Author Share Posted July 3 I'll take it as a wink from the universe. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 First night sleeping alone wasn't even that bad. I was quite comfy, and I wasn't too bothered by what you are or are not doing. You left my message on seen, and that's good enough. Now I at least know you are alive and safe. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 All day shift today. I am kind of glad. It's not good for me to spend too much time alone at home now. I'm a bit anxious, having some difficulty with breathing properly here and there, but it's really not too bad. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 Work was a roller coaster. I had tears in my eyes and felt on the verge of breaking down. I felt like quitting right there, right then. It was just too much. But then I also had moments of peace and even empowerment. I even laughed here an there. But overall, quite a fucking difficult day. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 Needless to say, I feel like the only thing that could make me feel better is hugging you. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 I would love for you to wait for me at home, when I'm back from work. But I know that won't happen. And even if it did, I am afraid we would be right back where we were, in no time. We would keep fighting and hurting each other. It's like we can't be together any other way. So unfortunate. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 I loved having you around, sharing space with you, loving you... But God did I also hate so many things. I must not forget about those. I know I only want back everything that was good. I don't see the bad stuff now. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 You must feel the same, to some extent at least. It's only natural. We had a lot of good things going on for us, but I guess there was just one too many of bad things. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 I feel like breaking down and crying out loud like a little baby, but I'm way too afraid to let go all at once. I'm doing it little by little. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 I am so very deeply sorry. I honestly never meant to hurt you. I only wanted to love you. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 It sucks so much that only I truly know that. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 I was desperately trying to protect myself, because I was in pain already. And that ended up hurting you. It's so stupid but so innocent. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 Why you were hurting me... only you know. I only know, speculate, hallucinate, fantasise... how and why I hurt you. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ivankiss Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 It's too soon to really tell, but if you really are not coming back, I must move to Amsterdam in two weeks max. I simply cannot stay here any longer. In fact, the only reason I stayed here this long already... was to be with you. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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