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Some stuff.

[Alexander]

Welcome back,so happy to see you again.

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@Alexander Hi Alexander, thanks. Hope you're doing well. 

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This is all light. I've been looking at the world every day. I see light in everyone. They still look like people. But I notice this very special thing about them. It's shining. It's in everyone. Their stories. Their past. Where they're going. It's all here. I feel compassion. How do you tell people they are light? People in the morning going to work, stressed about bills and not liking their boss. People in distress over their mental health, binge eating and smoking. There's this extraordinary quality about them. Everyone is amazing. That light can seem quiet and elusive. And yet, no matter what is going on, it's perfect, invincible, can't be tarnished or tainted and shining. It's extraordinary. The work, is, how to respect consciousness, sentience and life? 

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I think Enlightenment is a feeling. I want that feeling. I am still egoic but I'm also about the other. There's a tendency in human beings to protect the aggressor. I think one wants to be higher and not perpetuate the violence. But this feeling of 'the other' makes things less complicated. It reduces the hatred in my heart. But there are real victims who are lost to suffering. They're alone bobbing up and down in the ocean hundreds of miles from any ship or land. That's dramatic, until I see everyone is kind of like that. The suffering I have experienced gives me the feeling of 'others'. Like I think about the people who lived under the Stasi under East Germany, how people felt during the Rwandan genocide. I've never been able to understand Unit 731 or the public torturing of people in the Middle Ages in England. All of that is big and loud. But here, I think that when people see that they are light you want to run around the world with a megaphone to tell everyone. It's easier to say less and be cryptic about it so that the people who don't see what you're pointing at don't just think you're a crazy person. But at the end of the day joy, love, happiness, peace, compassion - that's what I'm after. Feeling for the other. Relaxing around my heart and seeing what is here. Understanding people and giving to others, even if they slap you around for it, it softens the heart.

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It's so silly. There's no me. And yet, I'm vaping all day, listening to music and watching the news all day, scared of interacting with people. It's hard to remember light when I'm around people. I get caught up in projections and fear. My mind just tells me that everyone hates me. 

 

I was in an AA meeting a few years ago. There was this guy who was always angry. Sometimes it was funny because he didn't have much of a filter. One day he shared about certain pretentious or hypocritical types in meetings. He complained about the spiritual types who are on benefits and can't work. That is unfortunately me. I get the Self. It's great. I suppose I can give myself a break. It's been a day. These samskaras may take months or years to calm down. 

 

Phil once wrote to me to say that I am intensely attention seeking. I guess I must be that. But what's underneath is that I am intensely self-hating. It is what it is. I'm dramatic. I'm still on medication for my mental health. But I am, in general, a little less paranoid and shame-based. 

 

I guess I was advocating on behalf of the separate self. Trying to sound intelligent, poetic, spiritual, knowledgeable. Because I figured people hate me. And I was trying to sell that I'm really great because if people could see that I can be really great maybe that will pick their opinion of me up enough so they won't hate me. I guess I appropriated spiritual knowledge to be able to show that my separate self is pretty alright. But it isn't even there. It's a habit. 

Edited January 15 by Some parts may be missing

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I guess I'll just write on here. I was thinking about what I could do with this. I thought maybe I could try to write a book. But that felt wrong. I don't want to make YouTube videos. Experience has shown me that the quieter I am the better. Even if only a handful read what I write, maybe that will mean something. Love is the great secret. Not to just love one or two people. But to open to everyone and everything. And I don't want to criticise myself anymore. I was doing my best. Even when I was drunk on Saturday. When I'm drunk I'm giving, giving, giving. My first psychiatrist said that maybe that's me. She was very different from anyone I've had 1-1 sessions with. She's a very good person. I've wondered if I'm a closet extrovert. When I drink I want to talk to people and tell them how beautiful they are. Everyone's doing their best. We're trying to make a good life. Soldiers have their own gurus too. 

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You're everything. We're all one. Self-referential thought is about something that isn't there. And your body is the Universe. You're everything. Contemplation, journalling, telling less lies, meditation, looking at the world and feeling your heart. I was trying to kill thought. Try to not kill anything, if you can help it. Everyone is in your house. Democracy, liberalism, freedom, it's all about people and helping people. Sure we get it wrong. But we don't know everything. But we are everything. Being open to the pain. Inquiring into the pain is good. Why is it there? What is it saying? Medication can be good. Anything to open your heart to all of this, to everyone. 

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