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Needing to know others can love

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I realized something about myself today. And I know now why I refuse to love myself, why I have had so many experiences with narcissists and sociopaths greatly wounding me, and why it is all so painful. I need to believe, to know, that they are capable of love, that there is some sliver of love and light in them, something, anything there. And I can’t let this go. I can’t let this go because I need to know that there is someone there. I need to know that there is some part of them, no matter how microscopicly small, that can feel. That is alive. Something there than I can love, something there for my love to hit, to shine on. I must know that there is something there that can feel my love. Even if they aren’t consciously aware of it. And I can’t let this go. I don’t want them to hurt, dammit. I need to believe that even in dark there is some sort of speck of light. I just want them to be ok. Please, please, please. I want to be able to hug them and them to feel something. Even if I wanted to let this idea go, I wouldn’t know how to. And I know now why I have such a hard time loving myself— it’s because I need to know others can be loved before I can love myself. 

I’m asking for any insights anyone has, and my logical mind keeps trying to understand these ideas that I am love itself, and it also tries letting this go and experiencing that I am love, and meditating, and all that.

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I wouldn’t hold out for people capable of loving. It’s like wanting, needing or expecting people to be conscious or more or less conscious. People aren’t being these aspects, consciousness-love is being people. 


Spirituality is the inspection for what is absolute; unchanging under any situation or circumstance without condition. 

Narcissism and or sociopathy are the opposite; spiritually speaking…  bypassing / ego purporting & misappropriating via the materialist’s paradigm. Life masked by conceptualizing, living in the Matrix basically. 


An analogy for spiritual ego / bypassing… ‘the emperor’s (separate self, ego, individual, finite mind) new clothes’, such as needing, knowing, understanding, realizing, etc, etc, etc. These are like different protective clothes the ‘separate self’ puts on as spirituality can be an emotionally difficult endeavor. So to speak, the last thing the separate self of thought wants to find out is that it isn’t and never actually was. Paradoxically perhaps, this is what’s sought, as this is already this. As infinite consciousness appears as the activity of thought, the apparent activity is the obscuring & overlooking of infinite consciousness.


Meditation could be rightfully said to be infinite consciousness allowing the obscuring activity of thought to settle, revealing the untruth of separation and the true nature and truth of infinite consciousness. 


One way to let the idea go is to appreciate that anyone can express and unfetter uncovering the true nature of themself. 


Another is to (over & over initially) return focus (gently / effortlessly) to perception and sensation. 


Another is to question arising thoughts / beliefs which thoughts are being attributed to such as ‘my logical mind’ and the true nature of it. Sometimes something is accredited as a sort of place holder until one is ready to experience emotions. Analogously, what’s sought is the faucet / source of water… emotion is like the water shooting from the sprinkler… and thoughts are like the tiny drops of water at the very top. Meditation, the allowing of thought activity to settle, is like allowing the source. It purifies, flushes out, empties, ‘washes yourself of yourself’ as Rumi said. 

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