Nothing Important

[Ges]

Just some thoughts that pass through my mind...

[Faith]

Welcome to the forum!💙

[Ges]

• There's no such a thing as Karma. I put it under the self-fulfilling prophecies category.
• The most basic instincts are not conscious nor unconscious. They are deeply wired and built in the body underneath and prior to the mind. If you inspect deeply, you'll notice that there's no actual reason other than feeling for why you want to eat or have sex. This feeling (hunger, thirst, horniness, etc.) is not reasonable. It is illogical and irrational and it doesn't require any justifications. In fact, all justifications and reasoning stem from it. This feeling is inexplicable, even though we can speculate about why it's happening, but there's really no ultimate answer.

Edited March 28, 2022 by Ges

[Ges]

Watching Joseph Maynor's videos is very clarifying. But it's also kind of scary how addicted that kind of clarity can make me. I mean that in terms of thinking. The more I listen to Joseph, the more I find my mind thinking. That hasn't been my normal mode of being for a very long time, so I feel somewhat overwhelmed by my thoughts sometimes. But I think that's what I need at this point. I need to move from no-mind back into the mind. It seems like the healthiest and most natural step to take.

[Ges]

So I have an internship interview tomorrow at noon. If I pass the interview, I will be working/training remotely for 3 months and probably for free, then probably officially start working. Not exactly what I ultimately want for now, but good enough as a first step. Hope everything goes well.

They've asked me to do 4 tests before accepting me in the interview, the results are in the screenshots below:

 

 

Indeed, I manipulated the personality tests to get the results I anticipate they wanted to see, cuz I know personality tests/types are BS.

Then I tried to send the response email through my main email (Hotmail) which failed me for some reason. It got blocked/suspended for the first time (thanks life, you always disappoint). So I had to go through some trouble and eventually resort to my backup email in order to reach the company's HR, who was very gentle and understanding. My main email seems to be lost forever, but it's only linked to my Facebook account so it's no biggie.

 

For the remaining time, I will be researching on how to prepare for a front-end internship interview. Maybe I'll get an edge or something. But if it didn't work out, then I'm gonna continue as before, like nothing had happened, while taking the lessons for future interviews etc. (fill in the blanks positive-psychology, self-help stuff).

 

We will see...

Edited April 8, 2022 by Ges

[Ges]

 

Well, that was quick!

[Faith]

13 minutes ago, Ges said:

 

Well, that was quick!

Congrats! 👏

[Ges]

@Faith Thanks! ☺️

[Ges]

Those Disney bastards always make me cry at nothing in particular.

[Faith]

@Ges 😂

[Ges]

• Spiritual ego is the ugliest and most disgusting kind of ego. No-selves fighting over No-thing.
• All suffering is well-deserved. Selfishness costs happiness. No more sympathy for the human suffering.

Edited April 11, 2022 by Ges

[Ges]

Tomorrow I will be meeting with the development team and staff in person and for the first time. I don't feel anything about it in particular, and I don't have many thoughts, either. It will probably be fun.

In the meantime, I'll keep on practicing more JS while studying the theory of C. I have found that learning C is the best way to learn programming.

[Ges]

Either I'm crazy or there is some serious signaling going on. That's how gaslighting makes you feel. Whenever you feel that way, then you surely are being gaslit.

[Ges]

When I project, I get criticized. When I don't project, I also get criticized, but now also misunderstood. Then maybe I should start projecting again, at least criticism can be useful. But what to do with being misunderstood?

[Ges]

How to deal with snowflakes online? Use emojis after each statement to make them sound less serious, less masculine, more feminine, etc. You can use inappropriate emojis as long as they look colorful and positive, or at least not negative. The more emojis, the better.

For example:

• I don't like you 🙈💰🌈
• The weather looks great 🦷🥲👾
• How are you doing? 🍦1️⃣✂️
• Thank you dear 🐝⛲🏍️

Emojis are probably the main antagonist of the masculine frame. Many girls lost attraction after I started using them while texting. Now I keep it to a minimum, and let them use all the emojis that they want. For online forums, the masculine frame is not necessary, and many people here seem to have a shadow/traumas around masculinity in general, so emojis are fine as they decrease the overall masculine tone of the communication. I'll just attach random emojis to the end of each statement from now on 🍽️👗🏝️

Edited April 18, 2022 by Ges

[Zeroguy]

😂(oh,the irony)

[Ges]

Resorting to power when empirically defeated is a sign of weakness and ego 🤫🤣

[Ges]

Sooooooo, after all this time, I guess I've grown up a bit. I can see some of my previous blindspots and shortcomings, which no longer exist, which is great!

Anywho, I've been living life away from internet communities for the past year or so, and I plan to continue living this way. I guess just this one-off day, and I'll go offline again.

I love my life! Happy as fuck, and can't complain. Though, I'm not suggesting that this detox has anything to do with my current state per se, but just to state the facts.

Edited February 15, 2024 by Ges

[Ges]

 

[Ges]

So long story short, I'm about to lose my "soul mate", the girl of my dreams, once again.

 

We first met on Actualized forum, and then were forcefully separated. 5 years later, we got back together again. And after 6 incredible months together, we are probably going to be separated again. She wants to break up with me because I am not complying with her religious delusions and fantasies. I have been supportive of her since the beginning of our reunion to the best of my abilities, and I was really good at it. She always found home and relief in me. However, I cannot comply with her right now, because I don't want to re-enforce the delusions. I am willing to support and understand, and I am open to discussing the thoughts that she considers "absolute truth", as I've already stated multiple times to her, both online and in person. But she is closed off to that.

 

A week ago, we were at a café, then she suddenly started screaming at a guy who sat at the table next to ours, accusing him of listening, spying, and reporting to the person she hates the most, her stepmother. At that moment, I realized she was paranoid. Anyway, the guy complained to management, and they gave us a more private space, where she started telling me about her "realizations" and how there is no more "ego" in there. She started reading some bible to me and I listened. I wanted to object, but she seemed extremely sensitive and resistant, so I asked her to split the hour into two halves, one for her, and one for me. Eventually, she took both halves, and was not even close to the end. I started crying as I felt the same existential loneliness that I felt the first time I realized she was in psychosis. This is the first time I have ever cried in front of a human outside my family. She gently wiped my tears and told me that it's going to be okay. She did not understand why I was crying, and that intensified the feeling of existential loneliness even more. She is not there anymore. She is her ghost. I cried harder.

 

There are many details that I don't want to disclose for privacy reasons. But anyway, it's been two days since she told me she wants to break up, and we are supposed to meet on Friday for the official break up. We will return some stuff back to each other.

I've been dealing well with the break up so far. Cried a bit, and contemplated what happened. Vented to my family, and am now journaling about it. Still feeling a bit sad, and will probably need some more tears to fully process and then detach from the memories and future goals and fantasies we've built together.

 

Currently, I am left with one question that I am not able to answer yet:

Should I wait for her to come back to her senses? Or should I just drop it and move on to someone else?

 

Is it a break up if someone is in psychosis? Like, who's even breaking up?!

 

 

Edited June 11 by Ges