DreaMT
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Posts posted by DreaMT
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Honestly, I struggle with the same thing. And it is a burden..
Maybe it's the self-construction desperately trying to grasp onto something, anything to maintain its identity, to not be in unknowingness.
I'm starting to lean towards the idea that that unknowingness, and the deep humility that comes with it is the "way" to go..
Best of luck friend
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This was made from pure inspiration and enthusiasm quite spontaneously. It's slightly surprising to me that I feel quite good about sharing something so intimate publically.
It's my first video like this that I have ever made, so technical aspects wise it is not super high quality, but maybe the message strikes something in you 🙂
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On 7/10/2022 at 9:08 PM, Blessed2 said:
I cannot stand how life has felt like past few days. The traveling has been quite a disappointment. It feels like a mistake. This should have been a wonderful experience. But I have felt just as shit as normally.
I feel even quite worthless. Why am I like this? Why have I ruined something that could have been amazing? What is wrong with me? My girlfriend would also have wanted a great trip, but all I've given her is grief, disappointment and now, fear.
When I was waiting for this trip, I thought this could be one of those amazing life-changing things. I thought source was with me. I thought this could finally be it, the cathartic uncovering and a new beginning, a new me. But it has been just a disappointment, boring, frustrating. Not at all what I hoped for. Waste of time, even.
You would not believe the beauty of this place we are right now. Pretty much a perfect place. Surrounded by forests and mountains. A little cottage, perfect for connecting with nature. But here I am, cannot feel the beauty, not feeling joy, not feeling connected to nature or myself or others. I dreamed of a place like this for years. And this is what I feel?!?!?? Days go by, and it's lost in this shitty feeling.
This hits so hard.
"Wherever you go, there you are" -Jon Kabat-Zinn
I truly believe travel is a tool that can put our transformation and inner work on steroids. Everything comes to the surface. Nothing can be run away from anymore. You can't escape yourself anywhere. We often travel at some level to escape ourselves, and project a sort of relief from misery into that future travelling. But wherever we go we notice that nothing fundamentally changes. No outside form or environment can truly change us.
This can cause a deep, total disappointment. We thought that our problems would go away and our life would get better and change when we travel, but we notice it is not so. Even when we see the most beautiful places and experience amazing things. Wherever we go there we are.
That pain, that total disappointment and frustration is a deep insight and can be a turning point. The mind comes to the undeniable realization that the shifting of the outside forms or the movement into a different environment doesn't provide any relief or lasting solution. Wherever you go there you are.
BUT
"Wherever you go, there you are" can be seen, with only a slight shift in perception to be the most freeing, the most liberating, the most joyful statement. Can you see why? What you are left with in that disappointment and realization, is that you are always there. Wherever you go, you have always been there along for the ride. You see how you can't leave home? The one place where it all has unfolded? In that, you are left only with what is, in other words, with only what is true. You are totally free to be with the truth that there is nothing but this that is all that is. When you surrender to it, allow it, you see it is what you look for. When you accept that disappointment, there is just what is. The unchanging. Now you don't need to chase anything or go anywhere to see it. And with that, you can truly experience the beauty everywhere. You have the best companion for the journey, which is truth. The truth of what actually is. By giving up all hope, you get to see what is actually in front of you, and paradoxically all you had hoped for will be staring right at you when it is no longer chased after or held on to. And travelling becomes an heart expanding adventure as well.
If you want someone to listen to in addition to the replies here, I personally find listening to some Michael Singer, his podcast perhaps in times like these can be a perfect, gentle yet clear reminder of what you already know in your heart.
That has been my experience with travel and how it brings these things to the surface. I sincerely wish this can be of some help. Much love.
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@Phil I really appreciate your reply and willingness to help. It didn't really land a month ago, but now re-reading it I feel what you said is really sinking in. Without realizing I have been reflecting on those words and themes for the past months and now I see it in a different light than the first time I read it.
On 6/9/2022 at 5:10 PM, Phil said:This is not extreme at all - - - “I fucking LOVE those people! I actually LOVE ALL PEOPLE!”.
That just the truth. That’s just ‘who’ you actually are. That’s the Truth.
I can totally resonate with this statement. I feel the joy, and laughter comes out when I speak these words. Feels totally right, this is the way.
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Hahahahaha so craxy and beautiful I was just spontaneously exploring in Stockholm about a month ago and also had the idea to start taking pics of these random reminders and start a thread about it! Love it! 💚
Here are a few pictures I took:
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"Jenny was a dream in the mind of Hannah as she slept in her bed
Dreaming she was Jenny instead
Jenny pulls a book down from the shelf
She finds solace in the words, solace for a separate self
She hates suffering, but she thinks she loves its causes
Escapes suffering but she holds on to its causes"
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8 hours ago, Phil said:
When I’m saying conditioning, I’m talking about thoughts that arise in the present which are basically conditions. Thoughts which in one way or another seem to obscure or veil our unconditional true nature. Thoughts which are interpretational, learned perspectives of interpreting.
Sounds like there is conditioning from someone and or an environment in which intelligence was highly praised and or valued. Maybe this interpretation of intelligence leaves you conflicted, and experiencing a cycle of outward projection / judgment, and inward internalizing / judgment. Without seeing why the interpretation is discordant feeling, the feeling of discord get’s labelled anxiety. As it seems to relate to people… social anxiety.
So why would some thoughts, about people’s intelligence and about your intelligence, and the comparisons therein… feel discordant?
Because intelligence is what everything is made of, including us.
But one thought arises at a time, and often that one thought is ‘my intelligence’, or ‘his or her intelligence’.
Intelligence is unconditional, and is what is feeling, those thoughts.
It would be like thoughts arising in this experience like… ‘my Phil’, ‘his or her Phil’, ‘he has more Phil than me’, etc.
It would be easy to miss why the thoughts feel off, if I was assuming I wasn’t the Phil.
Idk if these dots connect readily or not…
I notice myself feeling connected to nature, and I have recently started to connect with the profound intelligence of nature. It seems to me like it is an absolute super intelligence that forms a tree, a rock or a river, and it often leaves me with awe.
I got the idea that I can extend this new connection to nature to humans and see that all humans are also expressions of nature, expressions of this super intelligence. So in this way I can see, that even the least intelligent person on earth, or Albert Einstein, are both made of nature and are awe inspiring expressions of the deep intelligence of nature. Looking at it this way, I can already feel the thoughts and anxiety calming down. I will try to implement this in daily experience with people and see how it feels.
8 hours ago, Phil said:but grounding in the body / in feeling, would be very resolving of this and clarifying. Not thinking about it, but grounding techniques & meditations. It might be easier to realize the body is infinite intelligence, than to realize you are infinite intelligence. Really witness the body. It’s not evolution, or genetics, or mechanics. It’s pure raw intelligence. Notice how the body does everything in the spontaneous happening sense, and that the ‘one thought at a time’ arises, and is often a claiming of the doing. Notice that thought arises, of the body. Notice focusing on the thought ‘body’ does not result in the arising of or creating of or instant manifesting of, a body. But the body can manifest thoughts all day long like it’s nothin. No doing, no effort involved at all. It is that unconditional infinite intelligence can not be thunk, that thoughts which are the claiming of doing are so easily believed. Try to really, really see and feel the innocence of this. If you just say a word to a new body, and call it that over and over, the body, in not knowing a single thing abut itself due to the truth of it’s infinitude, will just totally go along with it. Like, fuck it, I’m Phil. Try to cut through any possibility of potential future anxiety by seeing the humor in this. What a completely absurd hilarious situation “we” are in here.
I see, this is helpful. I can connect with feeling that the body comes first, thoughts second. The body is nature, the thoughts are commentary on nature. I got this image of a tree swaying in the wind, and someone narrating it. The narrator would have no effect, but he could believe his narration is having an effect on the tree, and this could even make the narrator anxious about what happens to the tree if he starts identifying with the tree. Meanwhile, the tree goes on swaying as it does, just like the body goes on being as it does. I dont know if this makes sense, but yeah I can hear your point and I feel it being recognized in some deeper level inside.
I believe connecting with this infinite, spontaneous, expressive, expanding intelligence is a good direction, now that I have started to see it in nature, maybe I should just try to expand that sense to include those aspects of reality that I still see as somehow having agency and being able to manipulate nature.
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Could be a great opportunity to practice surrender to God. A spontaneous adventure is a great way for the deeper aspects of being to really come into your life and start guiding you. I did a similiar trip a few years ago, went without a plan, willing to face whatever came my way, and that's when the nature of intuition and guidance really had the chance to open up.
The times of change and chaos are so exciting, but can be overwhelming. Do you have something to ground yourself in? Maybe the breath or simply being, or nature?
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On 5/2/2022 at 3:45 AM, Phil said:
Is it about what you’re thinkin, or what someone else is thinkin?
Which is experienced?
It's about what I'm thinking. About what I'm thinking they're thinking, stemming from me thinking that they think of me in the same way I think of them. Something like that
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On 4/21/2022 at 4:28 PM, Mandy said:
Why are artists criticized? Because, people are afraid of their own authenticity and openness and misunderstand the discomfort that comes up when they see something expressed or communicated in a new way. Why? Because they don't understand value, or listen to their own guidance.
I'd suggest being good to yourself, watching the thoughts and judgements and using meditation or time in nature, etc to help with this and making space for your own creativity.
This profound, thank you. I have noticed myself implementing some of your advice in the past months, even though I consciously forgot about it. It has been eye opening 🙏
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On 4/21/2022 at 4:05 PM, Phil said:
who or what are you being?
I guess in those moments I am in a sense, acting, hiding away parts of me that authentically want to be expressed because of fear of rejection or judgement from people I for some reason give that authority to judge.
On 4/21/2022 at 4:05 PM, Phil said:If anxiety is held to not be yourself… what then does the sensation tell you is yourself?
It seems I am telling myself that the anxiety is not a valid part of me, and that I should not cover up myself or hide myself around certain people.
On 4/21/2022 at 4:05 PM, Phil said:What is the difference between people you’re comfortable with (A) and people who you are not (B)?
What is it you see or observe with respect to people B, which you want?
Honestly, I feel kind of guilty saying it, but for sake of solving this problem I will say it. It seems I am more comfortable around those I see somehow as "less intelligent" than me or in some other way I place myself somehow above them. (A)
I am not comfortable around people who I see as somehow "above" me, as in they are authority figures or if I think they are evaluating me in some way. (B)
People B have qualities of high confidence, eloquence in their speech, they are maybe charismatic and can grasp complex ideas quickly. I kind of wish I had more of those qualities.
On 4/21/2022 at 4:05 PM, Phil said:Sometimes we believe ‘they have it and I don’t’… and anxiety is actually emotional guidance letting you know ‘you can have it too’. In this case anxiety would actually be jealousy, which for a creator is most insightful.
Spiritual understanding might be ‘held’ to be something gained, whereas letting a belief go might be the effortless resonating way.
Could also inspect how precisely you are not already free, and look to free yourself of that view and underlying belief.
This makes a ton of sense, can relate.
On 4/21/2022 at 4:05 PM, Phil said:The emotional scale can be very useful in bringing an end to ‘thought loops’ (thoughts about them, thoughts about me, repeating loop). Sometimes it’s missed that all that’s desired is feeling great or better… and it can seem like feeling will be found in thoughts, the right thoughts, solving or figuring out in thoughts. In shifting attention to feeling directly, putting feeling first, and recognizing you’re feeling ‘your’ thoughts… and not ‘their’ thoughts… what thoughts about them, and you, feel good, to you?
Also, if fear of judgment feels ‘off’, consider it’s because the thought implies you’re not in control of how you feel. Whereas if judgment is recognized to only be felt, when one is the one judging… one recognizes one is in control of how one feels.
On 4/21/2022 at 4:05 PM, Phil said:You could also try a little ‘exposure therapy’ by having a close friend you are comfortable with, verbally judge you. If discord is felt, relax and breathe from the stomach, and witness that it’s fleeting, that it arises and does pass. That just might go from experiencing ‘triggering’ and tension, to bringing thoughts more in the neighborhood of lovingkindness to mind.
I did this with some friends. I held a speech about my day and their task was to be very negative and try to break me down and insult me as I was speaking. I found at first the insults were impacting me and I was closing down, but then there was a breaking point where I just accepted it, and was able to speak totally expressively and freely for the rest of the speech, even while they were insulting me.
On 4/21/2022 at 4:05 PM, Phil said:With respect to judgement, there’s significant liberation in recognizing the compassion and truth in the words, ‘forgive them, they know not what they do’.
🙏
Maybe I feel judged because I judge others. So maybe I should forgive myself as well for judging them, would you agree?
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13 hours ago, Faith said:
@DreaMT Welcome to the forum!
My best guess is that its some old conditioned pattern playing itself out, fear of judgement I suspect.
To get over it you would need to break the conditioned pattern. Do the opposite of what you'd normally do around these ppl, regardless if you're judged or not. That's my best off the cuff advice.😊
💙
That's excellent advice, definitely some kind of pattern going on that I seem to be stuck in. I will consider ways of trying to break the pattern.
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13 hours ago, Mandy said:
Have you in the past, replayed things you said in your head that you wished you wouldn't have said, and spent a good deal of time feeling horrible about them?
Yes, definitely. What do you suggest?
Maybe my system is responding to that pain of replaying situations by trying to avoid those situations in the firsts place by closing myself off. So the "awkward" situations or situations where I think I was seen as dumb, in themselves as they happen are not painful, I just create the pain and suffering by ruminating on them, maybe they get stuck in my system in some sense.
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I have some friends who I feel quite relaxed around, I can be about 80-90% "myself" which is great and fulfilling.
However, for some reason I find that with certain people, who I would even consider friends, I just can't relax and be myself, I get very tense and start evaluating strongly what I say and do. I shut down in a sense and it's like I get taken over by a program that just does the bare minimum to get by in the situation, but leaves me feeling drained, like I have to pretend and be a certain way. Sometimes this "program" just shuts me down completely and I go super quiet, monotone and unexpressive.
Thanks to spiritual understanding, I know I don't need to be anything else than what I am in those situations, I can feel good enough even if I am an anxious mess around them. But still, there is a part of me that would just like to be open and free, and I don't understand why I start feeling like this tight ball around certain people, barely letting anything be seen of myself. I just crave to be totally free and authentic, grounded in myself in those situations, not second guessing myself before every action or thing I say.
Any advice or perpective would be highly appreciated.
How can I free myself in those social situations?
What do you think could be driving such a repression of myself around certain people?
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In regard to being tired all the time, first realize you truly don't have to do anything, it's ok to be tired. It's ok to do nothing.
But since you are already likely telling yourself a story about your tiredness which is causing pain, you might as well switch up the story.
See, if you are telling yourself you are "tired", all your mind will see as a solution is rest and sleep, more tired behavior.
But what if you told yourself you are "lethargic" instead. Now you have something to play with. Your mind might very well intuitively come up with multiple ways to work with lethargy, so I don't even have to point them out. And this way you can come from a place of proactivity and empowerment, as you find yourself lethargic and wish to not feel that way, and you know what tools are available. You don't need any guilt or shame to fuel a journey like that.
Godspeed, friend.
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Let it go if you can, Love it fully if you can't.
Elaboration:
Option A
1. Observe it, notice it, see it (the emotion, sensation, thought story)
2. Drop it like a hot coal from your hand
Option B
1. Focus on it, feel it fully and feel your love towards it. You can even repeat "I love this" "I love this" "I love this" towards it, to aid in the acceptance of it. Feel the love.
2. Feel the deep presence and the consciousness that is always here now. Feel how your loving intention is emanating from this unconditionality of simply being.
Ps.
Remember, anything that comes up doesn't require any analysis for it to be let go of. It's enough simply to see it, to observe it. That's all you need to "do", if it can even be called doing. And if analysis comes up that's ok too, it's just a matter of recognizing that the analysis isn't needed.
Something coming up on surface
in Emptying
Posted · Edited by DreaMT
I got an inpired idea. You could make a documentary. "Becoming a Nobody". Where you document your journey into becoming a "Loser" or "Nobody" in societys eyes while reflecting on the insane expactation and demands to perform that are placed on individuals in our modern society. Sooo many are in pain and could relate. Maybe that's exactly what we need to start healing collectively, more "nobodies" and less people desperately trying to be "somebody". Maybe by becoming "nobody" in societys eyes, we truly become an indivuated authentic being, dropping all expectation until all that remains is what is unique to our existance.
Ponder on it and see if you catch a wave there and if it feels freeing, I think it could be revolutionary and epic! You could totally make it happen!