Emptying; Devin

[Devin]

I hate my family

 

Yeah they were hurt which caused them to hurt me but I hate them, they've never loved me, all they've ever done is used me and treated me like they own me, like I was their pet. It's disgusting and painful.

 

I can't hold onto this hate and resentment I need to process this, I need to let them go, move on without them in my life ever again in the future.

 

This is sad, I love them. Why can't I figure out a way to make it work?

 

 

They're not my family, the past doesn't exist

 

I about said this is hard, I feel sad

 

The past doesn't exist

 

My memories are just thoughts, I created those thoughts

 

 

I feel grief

 

Discordant thoughts; 

Me

My family

Was hurt

 

 

I feel sad and grief

 

 

Emotional guidance scale

Tired, work on it tomorrow

[Devin]

Being with them feels alien, devoid, they still hurt me.

 

Leave them, if you figure out a healthy way to be with them, only then start to consider returning..

[Phil]

Hurt you as in abuse?

[Devin]

No, manipulation and using me.

[Devin]

See dreamboard entries; This feels SO GOOD, complete freedom, walking on water, invincible.

 

I see what's going to happen, and I love it, every part, this is amazing. Let go and just go with it

[Devin]

I hope this works out

 

-doubt

 

 

What else are you going to do or want to do? Nothing, this is what I want to do, no regrets, if it doesn't work out, I tried, I can move on, I don't need anything, my mind is so clear, I can lose everything and I'll be better than fine.

 

Ahhh, writing this out is such a release

 

See dreamboard; what I want is mine, I don't need this anyways, it was some grandiose idea, it should work, but if it doesn't it's fine I don't need it, what I needed is what I learned, or unlearned to be more accurate.

[Devin]

I really hope this works or I'm going to be angry

 

-Doubt

 

 

 

Disappointment

Yes I would be, very mad, sad, angry

I feel disappointment because I put so much time and energy into this and it hinges on one thing at a time,

 

Overwhelm

It's out of my hands at this point, I think it will work but I've done what I can

 

Frustration irration impatience

Why can't it just be done already, so much is riding on this. People are so incompetent and stupid

 

Pessimism

It might not work out, what a waste

Not a waste I learned something I never otherwise could have learned

 

Boredom

Normal life would be so fuking boring, if this doesn't work it would be so fuking boring. I'm bored with normal life

I'm bored with the stupidity

There's no point, it's mindless

 

Content

I don't need this to work. I learned life, I'm set, give me a cold glass of water and stand back

 

Hopeful

I think this is going to fuking work, what a crazy ads world and life

I hope this works it would be amazing

 

Optimism

""  "

 

Enthusiasm eagerness

It is amazing, can't wait

 

Passion

I love it, this is amazing

I want to go forward with what I want full speed, no seat belt

 

 

Edited October 11, 2022 by Devin

[Devin]

Joy appreciation freedom love

It doesn't matter it's all great, I have no chains and I'm loved and I love

[Devin]

The only time I don't feel loved is when I think of my family. Disgusting

 

It's the only time I feel anxious, worry, jealousy. What the hell

[Devin]

I feel stuck

 

And too tired to do the emotional scale apparently

 

Fear/despair/powerless

I'm afraid I'm making a mistake, taking the wrong path

Discordant thought

I'm experiencing fear, and thinking this thought

Self referential

I'm not a mistaker; do I really realize this though? No

This is not infinity, but I'm obviously not aware of infinity right now

 

Insecurity/guilt/unworthiness

Maybe I'm not good enough, maybe I'm wrong,  maybe I want more than I could actually get

 

Jealousy

Sometimes it looks like others have good lives, and things I want, and experiences I want

Why do they get the life they want and I don't?

 

Hatred/rage

It's like the universe is working against me, me against everyone

 

Anger

Sometimes I feel like just saying fuck it

 

Disco

Will I make it?

 

Blame

My parents could have done better 😂

 

 

What if I don't get it, what if it never works out

Worry

 

 

Doubt

It may never happen

 

Disappointment

What's life worth then?

 

Over

Maybe I can't handle it

 

Frustration/irritation/impatience

Yeah I'm in a hurry, yeah it's taking too long, yeah what the he'll

 

Pessimism

It ain't gonna work

 

Boredom

What else to do

 

Content

Watch the stars, they're fucking beautiful

 

Hope

Please work

 

Optimism

It will work cause I won't stop trying until I'm dead, and I'm fucking smart

 

Enth

This is an experience no one else could possibly ever know, it's fucking amazing

 

Passion

Yes, let's go, it's worth giving my life for

 

Joy/freedom

I'm invincible, what could hurt me? Doing what I want to do it doesn't matter what happens to me I'm living the life I want. I want this life

[Devin]

Template

 

Fear/grief/despair/powerless

 

Discordant thought

 

I'm experiencing fear, and thinking this thought

 

Self referential

 

 do I really realize this though? No

 

This is not infinity, but I'm obviously not aware of infinity right now

 

 

Insecurity/guilt/unworthiness

 

 

Jealousy

 

 

Hatred/rage

 

 

Anger

 

 

Discouragement

 

 

Blame

 

 

Worry

 

 

Doubt

 

 

Disappointment

 

 

Overwhelment

 

 

Frustration/irritation/impatience

 

 

Pessimism

 

 

Boredom

 

 

Contentment

 

 

Hopefulness

 

 

Positive Expectation/Belief/Optimism

 

 

Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness

 

 

Passion

 

 

Joy/Appreciation/Empowerment/Love

 

 

[Devin]

Fear/grief/despair/powerless

Grief

Sad, that everyone is miserable

 

Discordant thought

 

I'm experiencing grief, and thinking this thought

 

This is not infinity, but I'm obviously not aware of infinity right now

 

 

Insecurity/guilt/unworthiness

Guilt

I should be able to save them

 

Jealousy

Why do some people fake happiness, and they're really good at it

 

Hatred/rage

 

 

Anger

 

 

Discouragement

Will it ever change

 

Blame

People just need to quit lying

 

Worry

 

 

Doubt

They'll never change

 

Disappointment

Life sucks

 

Overwhelment

Nothing I can do

 

Frustration/Irritation/Impatience

I want it fixed now

 

Pessimism

I can't fix it

 

Boredom

What a boring universe

 

Contentment

Pretty damn beautiful though, and fun

 

Hopefulness

Maybe it's okay

 

Positive Expectation/Belief/Optimism

 

 

Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness

 

 

Passion

 

 

Joy/Appreciation/Empowerment/Love

 

 

[Mandy]

Try to use the scale more like a map just for the awareness of where you are, rather than trying to use it like a ladder to climb out of a hole. Rather than using it to manipulate emotion to get what you want (feeling better), just observe with curiosity, and really feel unconditionally, as is. Use the scale as a guide (like the map) for what direction you want to go in next. Try just writing flow of consciousness style for a while to express, and then look at the scale and see where you are based of what you just naturally express unprompted, rather than trying to stick to the emotions on the scale. 

[Devin]

Fear/grief/despair/powerless

Despair

I need to leave everyone it's hopeless

 

Discordant thought

 

I'm experiencing despair, and thinking this thought

 

Self referential

I'm not a leaver or needer

 do I really realize this though? No

 

This is not infinity, but I'm obviously not aware of infinity right now

 

 

Insecurity/guilt/unworthiness

I feel guilty of leaving my family

 

Jealousy

Jealous others feel okay with staying

 

Hatred/rage

 

 

Anger

 

 

Discouragement

I'll never make it

 

Blame

 

 

Worry

 

 

Doubt

 

 

Disappointment

I had dreams

 

Overwhelment

 

 

Frustration/irritation/impatience

 

 

Pessimism

 

 

Boredom

 

 

Contentment

 

 

Hopefulness

 

 

Positive Expectation/Belief/Optimism

 

 

Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness

 

 

Passion

 

 

Joy/Appreciation/Empowerment/Love

 

 

Edited October 22, 2022 by Devin

[Devin]

7 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Try to use the scale more like a map just for the awareness of where you are, rather than trying to use it like a ladder to climb out of a hole. Rather than using it to manipulate emotion to get what you want (feeling better), just observe with curiosity, and really feel unconditionally, as is. Use the scale as a guide (like the map) for what direction you want to go in next. Try just writing flow of consciousness style for a while to express, and then look at the scale and see where you are based of what you just naturally express unprompted, rather than trying to stick to the emotions on the scale. 

Okay, I'm not very good at expressing or identifying emotions, I sort of have to dig for them

Edited October 22, 2022 by Devin

[Mandy]

@Devin It's as simple as writing down whatever thoughts come to mind. Just recording them down. Be your own ghost writer. The emotional scale isn't like a worksheet you fill out. Again, it's just the map to help guide. You want to spend very little time looking at a map while you're driving, and much more time looking at the road, yet it's also an enormous aid. 

[Devin]

You are love, you create

 

You can't seek love or joy elsewhere, it's you

 

You create, love/joy creates/wants

 

 

The problem was not consciously creating, not wanting out of joy and love but wanting out of fear

 

Want out of joy and love, not fear

 

You don't want for joy and love, you want/create out of joy and love

Edited October 22, 2022 by Devin

[Phil]

[Devin]

You can want/create out of fear or love

 

 

But do I really create all of this? I create my life at least to an extent, and I create it out of fear or love.

 

Can anything positive come from fear? 

 

I know I will feel good doing what I want out of love right now, I guess it comes down to fearing the future, right now yes that's what feels good, but

I'm thinking joy is something to attain again," if I do this I might not feel good in the future, I should sacrifice now so I'm happy in the future",

 

Don't do it to attain happiness, you can't attain happiness, joy is always yours

 

Then why do I want that stuff, why?

 

What does separate self even mean? Separate from love, joy, creator? That there's someone that suffers, that can suffer in the future, there's not someone that can suffer or be happy, you experience those things.

 

I'm trying to avoid the experience of suffering though, but I can stop experiencing suffering in any circumstance, I have the choice as to experience it or not, choosing to fear the future is actually choosing suffering now😂😂😂😂😂

 

So I may as well just do what I want now(no suffering) because I can do that anytime, there's no point in fearing it in the future, and not doing what I want now is suffering.

 

So I can want something in the future, and enjoy now, if you're not enjoying what you're doing, then what you're chasing is not really what you want?

 

when you move toward what you want you would obviously experience happiness right? Just so long as you don't believe those thoughts

 

The path to what you want is the want because the want cannot bring you joy. Being in joy, so what you want doesn't matter, and it's not fixed, go for what you want now, 

 

I'm still stuck thinking want what brings you joy

 

Nothing brings you joy

 

Then why want anything?

I don't think the word want works for me, it's just create

 

Create for love? No, just create what you want, just because you want to and in that will be you, joy, love

 

To me its being. Just being, is being love and joy

Edited October 22, 2022 by Devin

[Devin]

It's not just be you, it's just be, you're not the thoughts. Alignment with feeling, is alignment with I, funny I is a line

 

 

What about what is out of perception, it's a thought, so. You don't know what's outside your perception, could be better than you think, might not exist. Out of your control

 

This is hard

 

Why do I believe it exists? Everyone else does, consensus.

 

How can they prove it?

 

I dunno, but it might not matter

 

Can I affect it? Yes

can I really? Yes but it would be by just being anyway.

 

 

But I don't like tricking myself

 

All I can know is what is, believing it exists is tricking yourself

 

I feel uneasy about this

 

It's because I'm trying to know. Trying to understand, instead of just being

Edited October 22, 2022 by Devin