Am I the only one feeling a bit weird today?

[Mandy]

"The queen is furious when she learns that Snow White used her wits to fake her death, and decides to kill the girl herself. First, she appears at the dwarfs' cottage, disguised as an old peddler, and offers Snow White colorful, silky laced bodices as a present. The queen laces her up so tightly that Snow White faints; the dwarfs return just in time to revive Snow White by loosening the laces.

 

 Next, the queen dresses up as a comb seller and convinces Snow White to take a beautiful comb as a present; she strokes Snow White's hair with the poisoned comb. The girl is overcome by the poison from the comb, but she is again revived by the dwarfs when they remove the comb from her hair. Finally, the queen disguises herself as a farmer's wife and offers Snow White a poisoned apple. Snow White is hesitant to accept it, so the queen cuts the apple in half, eating the white (harmless) half and giving the red poisoned half to Snow White; the girl eagerly takes a bite and then falls into a coma or appearing to be dead, causing the Queen to think she has finally triumphed.." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snow_White

 

 

 

 

[Blessed2]

Like an evil demon took my chilhood home.

 

My parents said it was too big, there was no need for it when my brother and I grew up. I wasn't that old yet though, only 16, my brother though had moved away already. They just suddenly kinda decided to sell it and move to a fancy apartment for whatever reason. I don't get why. What was wrong with the old one? Did they just do it for themselves, for some stupid reason like "we want more fancy" or "we want change to feel better, it's boring" or what? That's the vibe I get. Like they were and still are, just looking for a kick, some kind of play.

 

There was actually a little bit mold in that house. We didn't know, and it was even checked before selling it. The new owners found it after 1 year or something and they wanted to cancel the purchase. And there was some legal proceedings etc. Eventually we had to pay some extra money for it. I wonder if it has something to do with how I felt, law of attraction style. Though to be honest, I kinda do think the new owners were a bit assholes, of course it's not their fault, but I was offended. It was my home, and they were like "nah we don't want it, let's cancel the deal" like it was just some piece of bad money deal for them.

 

Now my parents are selling the fancy new apartment too. They say it was never a plan to stay there longer than a few years. And again I lose whatever I feel like is even a little bit safe and secure and familiar. I lived there a few years too.

 

I just wish I had like a whole bunch of money, I would just go buy the old house back for like a million bucks. There's nothing fancy or expensive about it, it's just important to me. Each time I visualize/go back there in memory, I feel magic. Like fairies and spirits. Everything feels enchanted and magical. The backyard, the surrounding forests and stuff, and even seasons like fall, summer.

 

Though even if I had the million bucks, and had the home back, I wonder, I would probably just be disappointed even about that still.

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 Why do kids like to build sandcastles? 

[Blessed2]

2 minutes ago, Mandy said:

@Blessed2 Why do kids like to build sandcastles? 

 

Probably a sense of freedom to build whatever kind of crazy castles of wildest dreams and then imagining living there.

[Blessed2]

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

Is a blanket comforting and protecting, or heavy and smothering? 

 

Usually comforting and protecting, I love blankets and pillows. I 'hide' and bury my face in them often, just to take some time alone to feel. My girlfriend doesn't like that though, she's often asking why I'm hiding my face in pillows and blankets. Probably because I do that while we're having a conversation. 

 

Though this time the emotional energy blanket felt so heavy and guite literally like a blanket from hell.

Edited October 11, 2022 by Blessed2

[Mandy]

Do you think that freedom would exist if the nature of sand castles wasn't so ephemeral and temporary? What if there were building codes to abide by? Isn't the best part the fun of watching the tide come in and watching the ocean reshape and reclaim it? 

[Mandy]

Just now, Blessed2 said:

Though this time the emotional energy blanket felt so heavy and guite literally like a blanket from hell.

Kinda like Snow White being laced up in a corset. Loosen the laces. 

 

You know what's a lot like waves crashing against the sand as the tide comes in? Breath. 

[Blessed2]

🤔

[Mandy]

 

This is one of the most photographed houses ever in my area. Why do you think that is? 

[Blessed2]

25 minutes ago, Mandy said:

 

This is one of the most photographed houses ever in my area. Why do you think that is? 

 

For me what it brings up, is sort of just imagining what it would feel like to live there when it was in it's prime. It's a beautiful house. Would like to live there.

[Mandy]

Mmm hmm, me too. BUT the house is totally and obviously shot, way beyond saving. And somehow that only attracts people to it more. Actually it was torn down since, and lots of people miss it. What is it about something totally ruined and on its way out that evokes such feelings, such desire, imagination and creativity? Why would it be more interesting to have a photo of this on your wall than a photos of some new and pristine mansion? If you agree with that, that is. 

[Blessed2]

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

Mmm hmm, me too. BUT the house is totally and obviously shot, way beyond saving. And somehow that only attracts people to it more. Actually it was torn down since, and lots of people miss it. What is it about something totally ruined and on its way out that evokes such feelings, such desire, imagination and creativity? Why would it be more interesting to have a photo of this on your wall than a photos of some new and pristine mansion? If you agree with that, that is. 

 

I don't know. I'm suspecting you are going for a contrast thing here? I think that might be partly right, I also see the old ruined house as sort of mirror. For me it's like a ticket to fantasy land. Hard to explain.

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 There's  a trick to seeing contrast as contrast and that's to use your focus like a camera lens. A camera lens zooms out, everything gets blurry, then it zooms in again and then focuses. Like when you zoom out on a camera and stuff gets blurry, you get more general about things. "My childhood home and the mold in it" is very specific, and if it doesn't feel good, then you want to focus on something else. So we're getting really general about the subject and symbolism of homes. We're getting imaginative, creative, poetic, dreamy. Sandcastles in the tide. Beautiful neglected old homes with severe foundational failure. 

 

Do you see that your childhood house, IS that house in the photo? Can you see that past dreams and past manifestations are only fuel to the creative fire of new ones? 

 

12 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

For me it's like a ticket to fantasy land. Hard to explain.

*high five* That's it. Off we go. 

[Blessed2]

43 minutes ago, Mandy said:

There's  a trick to seeing contrast as contrast and that's to use your focus like a camera lens. A camera lens zooms out, everything gets blurry, then it zooms in again and then focuses. Like when you zoom out on a camera and stuff gets blurry, you get more general about things. "My childhood home and the mold in it" is very specific, and if it doesn't feel good, then you want to focus on something else. So we're getting really general about the subject and symbolism of homes. We're getting imaginative, creative, poetic, dreamy. Sandcastles in the tide. Beautiful neglected old homes with severe foundational failure. 

 

I'm not completely following here.

 

43 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Do you see that your childhood house, IS that house in the photo? Can you see that past dreams and past manifestations are only fuel to the creative fire of new ones? 

 

Yeah, I could see that, but I really miss the childhood home. It's hard to see how I could be 'at home', or happy, anywhere else. I really do miss it, and even if I try to imagine something... Nothing feels the same, or better.

 

...

 

A vibe is coming up... I saw a dream last night, being in some caffeteria maybe? and later a car, with some people from my past. Two women, my age, who I used to know. One was a friend, an another was this crush I used to have some thing going on with, but which never lead to anything serious. Both were kinda 'unattainable' and energetic women, you know. There was a meteor coming towards earth. It was all over the news. The general news and social media stuff. It was predicted by the scientists it was gonna hit ground somewhere in Russia. It wasn't like a end-of-humanity asteroid, more like a just a small meteor, though still kind of worrying, yet exciting. Though it wasn't predicted to hit here, I could see it in the sky... Saw it come and go pass away, like a shooting star. Was worried it might hit us, as I live next to Russia and we were in a car. But it passed. And right when it probably hit the earth, I woke up. Never got to know if it somehow still hit us, or somewhere in Russia. 😁

 

Not the first meteor/asteroid dream I've seen. I've seen plenty. They're always been scary, though at the same time kind of exciting and beautiful. Something magical and enchanted.

 

IDK, this just came up intuitively. 🤔

Edited October 11, 2022 by Blessed2

[Mandy]

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

I'm not completely following here.

 

Focus on something up close intently, then rest and relax your eyes. Like that. It's also like a letting go and picking up. 

 

It sounds like we're still meeting with lots of resistance to the childhood home, but then you let go of that and your focus on the dream was a great example of letting go and picking up again. So easy, you don't even know you're doing it. You already do it all day long. Just start to employ it when you start to feel crappy. 

[Blessed2]

20 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Pessimism

 

There are some days I feel aligned and pretty amazing, but what's the point, and it's really not even enjoyed to the fullest, because eventually it will pass, and again discord arises. Because source brings it up to be healed and let go.

 

It's never like "alignment and finally no more work, suffering or going back to the discord". It will probably take years to work through it all. Or maybe I will never be free of it, and my whole life will just be a few moments of alignment and feeling good that pass away one after another to more bullshit that needs patience, work, and letting go.

 

Yeah, I can hear it already, "there is no future", "inspect this belief" etc. But the reality really is that I am full of shit, conditioning, addiction, probably mental illness, just like a damn mountain of suffering and blindness and stubbornness, and laziness. And even if for a moment I would have the mustard seed, I would eventually fail and lose it again, and the mountain would be back there. And the cycle continues... And even the one day I feel aligned, I will already know it'll pass, and the shitty feeling, depression, pessimism, comes back. 

 

It always comes back. And the future I see, is just work  work, work. Trying to handle the suffering. Trying to let go. For thr hope that maybe some day, I will be clean of it, and be happy. But not today, not tomorrow, and not even a year from now... Maybe ten years. Or twenty.

[Blessed2]

Pessimism and boredom really do play a part.

 

So bored I don't even want to feel contentment because that would just be boring.

 

There is NOTHING fun to do today. Oh my god it's so boring. And there is nothing exciting tomorrow. Or day after that even. Or the rest of my fucking life. No wonder I keep drinking.

[Phil]

14 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

There are some days I feel aligned and pretty amazing, but what's the point, and it's really not even enjoyed to the fullest, because eventually it will pass, and again discord arises. Because source brings it up to be healed and let go.

 

It's never like "alignment and finally no more work, suffering or going back to the discord". It will probably take years to work through it all. Or maybe I will never be free of it, and my whole life will just be a few moments of alignment and feeling good that pass away one after another to more bullshit that needs patience, work, and letting go.

 

Yeah, I can hear it already, "there is no future", "inspect this belief" etc. But the reality really is that I am full of shit, conditioning, addiction, probably mental illness, just like a damn mountain of suffering and blindness and stubbornness, and laziness. And even if for a moment I would have the mustard seed, I would eventually fail and lose it again, and the mountain would be back there. And the cycle continues... And even the one day I feel aligned, I will already know it'll pass, and the shitty feeling, depression, pessimism, comes back. 

 

It always comes back. And the future I see, is just work  work, work. Trying to handle the suffering. Trying to let go. For thr hope that maybe some day, I will be clean of it, and be happy. But not today, not tomorrow, and not even a year from now... Maybe ten years. Or twenty.

It’s actually just thought attachment. 

Try to notice what of that is actually happening in perception. 

6 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Pessimism and boredom really do play a part.

 

So bored I don't even want to feel contentment because that would just be boring.

 

There is NOTHING fun to do today. Oh my god it's so boring. And there is nothing exciting tomorrow. Or day after that even. Or the rest of my fucking life. No wonder I keep drinking.

It’s the other way around.