Not Trusting

[Devin]

A persistent thought I've been noticing I often seem to have is that I think people will harm me, not physically but in some way, say in business, or even by the justice system even, betraying me out of ignorance.

 

I really haven't ever been seriously harmed in these types of ways, but I was often betrayed by my parents growing up, being manipulated, and lied to, and I've always seen injustice, dishonesty and corruption.

 

I have good personal relationships and I don't hide from society, I dive in more than most; but I want to dissect this, I thinks it's holding me back from living even more. I often get disgusted by society and need reprieve from it all, I get so disheartened and sad about it, then I judge myself about that, asking if there's something wrong with me, feeling like a might let someone down, knowing my parents want me to do something and I'm not, I'm still letting my parents manipulate me apparently.

 

I know I can be harmed by anyone in all sorts of ways, and that I may get harmed, but when I think about it I know I'm not likely to and I know it's worth the risk. But this thought still seems to hang around, I don't know why.

 

In a way this reinforces something healthy I have which is a disconnect from society, it's sometimes unhealthy though because it can somewhat control me or makes me lose some control over myself

 

I think internal family systems therapy may help with this

Edited September 21, 2022 by Devin

[Devin]

And now it seems to be gone. Does anyone ever use being tired as a way to bring up issues buried in the psyche? It's hard to pull yourself away from them but it sure seams to dig things up.

[Phil]

When the lens relaxes there is less contraction & intrinsically ‘more’ clarity. Clarity being pure consciousness. Then what’s experienced is seen more clearly. In this sense, the question would be what is the manipulation, being lied to, injustice, dishonesty and corruption you’re already seeing… which with slight contraction, isn’t readily being ‘seen’ as in recognized. Trust, other than in God… is already a veil of separate selves, inherently increased contraction. One aware of this, with respect to one of ignorance in innocence, often uses trust as a fundamental means of manipulation, etc. So it’s not that you are not trusting, or should trust, it’s that you are already aware of the things you mentioned, but aren’t yet aware that you are aware of it. It lingers just on the ‘edge’ between observation & realization. 

[Devin]

@Phil the only thing coming to mind is the "manipulation, being lied to, injustice, dishonesty and corruption", that I do to myself. I know I don't need to do anything, but sometimes I feel I do need to and then I lie to myself thinking it's just what I want to do not what I'm doing out of some type of fear.

 

Ooooh, that's good. Thanks. I'm doing things out of fear, I'm deceiving myself, manipulating, and being unjust to myself. I've done so much with my life, yet I still treat myself as if I must do something else and be something else. I'm really hard on myself in subtle manipulative ways, and unfair to myself depriving myself of feeling love so I can focus on the task

Edited September 21, 2022 by Devin

[Devin]

I feel like I should let go of society more, be in even less of a corner, there's really not even a reason to trust society in general, the only reason would have been material desire.

 

So I see no reason to even question whether they're trustworthy or not, even though I think the answer is not.

 

I think this may be the root of the thought, I'm hanging on, relying on society for happiness which I cannot get from them and already possess, you can't trust them with that 😆

[Phil]

@Devin

You’re intuition is spot on but you’re overthinking it. It’s simple. You’re being manipulated and the concept of trust is how. 

[Devin]

😁, still unpacking it, but yeah I see there's something there now. Trust doesn't come into the equation, I either want what I get from society or I don't, I know I can get hurt there and that's part of it, "trusting" them would be not wanting what I am pursuing, if you don't want what society comes with which is potential hurt then why pursue it, if you don't want potential hurt don't pursue it.

 

It's not a matter of risk reward, it's a matter of do you want what will come from that.

[Phil]

@Devin

A man pulls over in front of an elementary school in the middle of the day as school is letting out, in his heating & cooling work van. It’s a nice new looking van with a professional logo painted on both sides. He steps out of the van in his heating & cooling attire and your intuition goes off - something’s wrong. He let’s you know your parents have been involved in a terrible accident and asked him to pick you up. He explains he is thus tasked with picking you up from school and bringing you to the hospital. You recognize what he says is true as he confirms details about you and your parents few if any could possibly know.  This reaffirms your intuition & your concern, indeed something was very off. All of the teachers file out of the school imploring you not to get in the van. He assures you none of the teachers know your parents are in the hospital, nor what their injuries are and how critical their condition is, and he reminds you that time is very much of the essence. This confirms just how profoundly off the situation intuitively feels, and you get in the van. 

 

A half hour later you begin to realize the van is not heading to the hospital. You ask the man about this and he reassures you by letting you know your parents are not at the local hospital where they live & work. This initially doesn’t make sense to you, and he explains he knows how to get to the one they’re actually at in a neighboring city, and that you’re on your way there and he will also help you find them once you get there. Reassured, you relax and try not to let the concerning thoughts about your parents welfare get the best of you, comforted by his knowledge, generosity & willingness to help you reunite with your parents. 

 

Two hours in, you begin to wonder why your parents never mentioned this man to you, given how much he knows about you & your family and how helpful he is in spending so much of his time on your behalf. Questioning the situation you find yourself in, you wonder why you’ve never seen this van before and why the logo is of ice cream. Again he reassures you by explaining that if he didn’t fix all the freezers, there wouldn’t be any ice cream. He asks you if you know how to fix freezers and if you know how to get to the hospital your parents are at. Again, this makes a lot of sense and you begin to really appreciate his help.

 

Two days in, your parents are still at home wondering where you are, what happened to you, and why you don’t just come home. 

 

[Devin]

@Phil that's really really good, thank you!!

[Devin]

There really is no need to engage in a potentially compromising way. You can still enjoy people without being integrated in society. The attraction of integration is all hollow lies also.

As Christians say, " in the world, not of the world."

Edited September 27, 2022 by Devin

[Phil]

You can’t tell that to the kid in the van. 

[Devin]

10 hours ago, Phil said:

You can’t tell that to the kid in the van. 

That short statement sure is bringing up a lot for me to think about.

[Devin]

I'm thinking, I'm happier operating outside of society, I've always felt some noble cause, or a fear that kept me coming back.

I think I can let go of that stuff, maybe I'll return later for the van ride, but I don't see the point right now.

[Phil]

@Devin

Yeah. No rush. Ideological dogmatic indoctrination is a doozy. I’d order a case of Motrin and Kleenex now. Save money. 

The fear is laid out first, conceptually, convincingly  - so it’s missed fear isn’t a concept, but an emotion. 

Then the ‘noble cause’ is established. 

That’s what the inside of the van looks like. 

Then the “solution” is of course…