I don’t want to be a freak

[j3w3lsth3l1zardw1zard]

Socially, I don’t know how to be. I found out a few days ago that I’m autistic, and while on one hand it’s a relief to know why I have always felt like a monster, unworthy of love, a freak, or a weirdo. On the other hand, I feel all those things. Am I unworthy of love? My emotions tell me this is true. I think? Maybe it’s bad translation. I feel emotions so so strongly- it’s so god damn potent. It hurts so much and feels really good at the same time. It feels good to feel emotional pain. I just feel it so deeply, I feel it everywhere. And realizing that I actually don’t give a damn about art (what I usually think is the most important thing in my life) and care so much about love, connection, with another person- uh, yeah, bad sentence. Basically I don’t give one shit about art when I feel that human connection. The most important thing to me. And because I’m autistic, this makes it… this really, really, hurts. Do they care about me? I don’t know. I don’t know. And If I come to realize that they don’t really care about me, I will believe again that I am unworthy of love. That I am nothing. I want to be loved because I don’t love myself. Time and time again I have been duped, tricked into thinking someone cares about me. I feel and care so much and I ALWAYS PAY FOR IT.  
 

So, backstory. I’ve just come to the most hippie college in the states most likely, and I came here searching for connection. I thought I found someone who cared about me, we bonded, I really care about this person. But it’s like I’m kind of a side note to them. It feels like they don’t care about me. But I don’t know. That could easily just be the self hatred coming up to “protect” me. I talked with them last night, stoned, and when I get stoned my mask comes off. I admitted things I never wanted anyone to know, I hated myself, I was afraid, I was ashamed of what I was feeling, and there was no catharsis to the conversation. It slowly burned out, and she went back to her room to cuddle with the person she has a crush on. I cried. I punished myself, as I still am, which is what I do when these types of things happen. 
 

She’s going to tell the crush, she might tell other people, and word could very well get around about what I feel and what I hide from people. It honestly makes me laugh at the absolute catastrophe of it all.

 

i don’t know what to do.

[Loop]

@j3w3lsth3l1zardw1zard
 

Could you actually come to a realization that you could absolutely tell if another person loves/ cares about you? 

You cannot be tricked by another, just by your own perception. Thoughts about yourself can seem to come from others. But they are thoughts. 
 

Art is about love and connecting with yourself, Source. The deeper bond you have with Yourself, the deeper you just naturally bond with ‘others’, when there isn’t even a relationship there, you can actually see them as they are with out any conception. 
 

Idk I might be a freak, I was just laughing my ass off on the bus because it can seems like there are people judging you, but really, that is just thoughts. Even if there is a person right in front of you telling you that your shit, it still thoughts.

 

 

Edited September 10, 2022 by Loop

[Mandy]

3 hours ago, j3w3lsth3l1zardw1zard said:

Maybe it’s bad translation.

Yup. Feels bad = is bad. Your ARE worthy of love. You are the creator of worth itself. "Worthy" and "unworthy" is secondary to the notion of worth, which you create. 

 

Autism is awesome by the way. It really is a super power. How many absolutely AMAZING wonderful people are there with that diagnosis? I've been lucky to meet many of them. 

 

3 hours ago, j3w3lsth3l1zardw1zard said:

I feel emotions so so strongly- it’s so god damn potent. It hurts so much and feels really good at the same time. It feels good to feel emotional pain. I just feel it so deeply, I feel it everywhere.

You are feeling itself. Not a feeling, but feeling awareness itself. AWESOME that you feel your emotional guidance clearly. It's almost like a super power. 🤷‍♂️

 

 

3 hours ago, j3w3lsth3l1zardw1zard said:

So, backstory. I’ve just come to the most hippie college in the states most likely, and I came here searching for connection. I thought I found someone who cared about me, we bonded, I really care about this person. But it’s like I’m kind of a side note to them. It feels like they don’t care about me. But I don’t know. That could easily just be the self hatred coming up to “protect” me. I talked with them last night, stoned, and when I get stoned my mask comes off. I admitted things I never wanted anyone to know, I hated myself, I was afraid, I was ashamed of what I was feeling, and there was no catharsis to the conversation. It slowly burned out, and she went back to her room to cuddle with the person she has a crush on. I cried. I punished myself, as I still am, which is what I do when these types of things happen. 
 

She’s going to tell the crush, she might tell other people, and word could very well get around about what I feel and what I hide from people. It honestly makes me laugh at the absolute catastrophe of it all.

You want to express yourself. Find someone to talk to, a coach, therapist, or counselor, or until then, start a journal and express through writing. Don't express to people who you have expectations and fears and are conditional about how they react to you. Those are not the people who can hold space for you. Then you're relationships and connections will be so much better without that weight hanging over your head, and you can just have a good time with friends without expecting their acceptance for everything, instead of feeling like there's this pain hanging over your head. Frankly, as a society we suck, we really ought to have more available, more affordable ways of doing this, and the need should be more understood and easily recognized. 

 

For now, use the emotional scale and work out of the emotion of worthlessness around the subject. 

 

[Phil]

I know right!? It’s all just so unfair. 

[Unknown]

On 9/10/2022 at 5:19 PM, Phil said:

I know right!? It’s all just so unfair. 

Were you in a bad mood or something when you wrote this lol? 

[Phil]

@Unknown

Life’s just one big rip off. 

[Faith]

1 hour ago, Phil said:

@Unknown

Life’s just one big rip off. 

It's a zero sum game! 

 

1min, 37 sec

[Mandy]

The Fairest of them All. 

[Alexander]

Great story laughed a lot.😂

[Mandy]

@Alexander From the Guidelines, "Communicate with kindness, mindfulness, empathy, and compassion. If you can not; utilize the suggestions & tools, specifically in regard to emotional expression & understanding, and healing therein, until you can."

 

It is very important that the Emptying and Journal sections especially are places where people can feel comfortable to express. Please utilize them yourself and refrain from bullying or putting down members who do, this will not be tolerated. 

[Joseph Maynor]

On 9/13/2022 at 4:02 AM, Mandy said:

@Alexander From the Guidelines, "Communicate with kindness, mindfulness, empathy, and compassion. If you can not; utilize the suggestions & tools, specifically in regard to emotional expression & understanding, and healing therein, until you can."

 

It is very important that the Emptying and Journal sections especially are places where people can feel comfortable to express. Please utilize them yourself and refrain from bullying or putting down members who do, this will not be tolerated. 

 

👍